Sexual Health
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Girlfriend won't let me go down on her?

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for a good amount of time now and we've had sex and everything. However, I have yet to make her orgasm and I really would like to. Yet when I bring up the subject of going down on her it's an almost immediate no with no real reasoning behind it except that she thinks it's "kind of weird." I don't know why she would find it weird at all, especially since she gives me oral and she doesn't find that weird. So I don't understand why she finds reciprocation to be an issue. Does anyone think there's a legitimate reason as to why she's acting this way? Also, is there anything I can do that could possibly help change her mind?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • OK I'll mention 2 things: A woman's feelings about her vagina and what makes a woman orgasm.

    First, as a guy you love your penis right? It's like your best friend. You have issues with it sometimes but you love it. A woman doesn't have that feeling for her vagina. I'm sorry that this is so graphic but you have to hear this to understand where she is coming from. To a woman, her vagina is one of the most embarrassing parts of her. It smells, it leaks fluid, once a month it actually bleeds (and then really smells). Someone best described it as a combination of a nose and an armpit. That's how most women start off life feeling about their vaginas. In addition, unlike your penis, it is inside a woman so she doesn't give it a great deal of thought compared to how much you would think about your penis. So it's an irritant and most women know little about it. How many names do you have for your penis? Ever notice your girlfriend refers to her vagina as "down there"? Like it doesn't even have a name. And all that together with the fact that women are told to guard their sexuality with an intensity makes the idea of someone wanting to lick that area astonishing.

    Now talking about a woman guarding her sexuality leads me to the thing about an orgasm. For a man, an orgasm comes when you lose control. You can't take it anymore and your body lets go. For a woman, an orgasm is completely in her control. This is why some women will never have an orgasm. Cause she has to be completely and utter willing to let go of the tension in her body to have it. Women are actually able to absorb the tension back in rather than let it out because we don't' have to ejaculate. A woman is told her whole life that her sexuality is not a good thing. She needs to remain pure and innocent. So after hearing that for decades how easy do you think it is for her to let go of those thoughts? Think about how men are encouraged to develop their sexuality and how it is a part of them. Now imagine you are told that all the sexuality is bad. Could you change you mind immediately? Would it take a month? A year? 10 years to change how you feel about sex?

    To be a sensual woman, to have an orgasm, is to let go of those thoughts that she has been taught and give in the moment. An orgasm is a choice for a woman. And can have very little to do with a man's technique. I'll say it again, if a woman doesn't want to let go and have an orgasm, it doesn't matter what a man does to get her there.

    It's not hopeless but it takes time and patience on your part. It takes a lot of touching and kissing, that doesn't led to sex. All the touching puts her at ease. A woman at ease with a man is more likely to have an orgasm. Things like back massages make her think you care about her, not sex. Talk to her. Listen to her. Also, things that put a woman at ease

    I know this may sound like physiological bable but it is a studied fact that what a woman is taught about sex affects a woman's sexuality.

    • That was great ! Thank you miss for your honesty. You are the kind of women that makes me love this site. Do you think there is a way he could help her get there step by step? I find it tragic that a woman can feel so insecure and undeserving. I would do anything to make her feel better and finally let go of her anxiety. Any other insights?

    • Hisangel, I understand your points that you made but you are assuming as most men do that all women are the same! I was raised in an open home were nudity wasn't hidden and asking questions about sex wasn't taboo so my love of my body (quite large) is genuine! I don't hate my vagina I love it and I have many pet names for her, yes there's times she irritates me but they are small in comparison to the joy she brings! She gave me my children she gives me excitement, joy, pleasure and even longing, I can see and smell my hubby getting out of the shower and she involuntary clenches with anticipation. When it comes to being 'eaten' I adore it and so does my husband, my first orgasm came from my boyfriend of the time as I didn't want sex until I was married! So we would spend hours in the 69 position until we parted as friends when I met my husband he came from a reserved family and thought oral (both ways) was wrong and "dirty" it took a few years but he too loves it now!

  • It just sounds to me like she's not comfortable with you. When my husband and I first started a sexual relationship while we were dating, I went down on him almost every other time we had sex. It wasn't a problem for me. It wasn't gross, and he was my first sexual partner, and I wanted to learn. Really, at the time, I just wanted him to enjoy sex thoroughly.

    We'd talked about oral before, and he told me he went down on a girl once in the past, and after that, wasn't really fond of it. I didn't blame him--I personally couldn't imagine myself licking a vagina either. I think the idea is disgusting. Hell, I think giving head is disgusting, but, like I said, I did it for him. So, after that, I never really brought it up. At the time, I was still that shy little girl that wanted to have sex in the missionary position with the lights off. I just wasn't comfortable with myself, or my body, particularly the way my vagina looked. I think A LOT of girls worry about this. In reality, it probably doesn't matter to any of you how our vagina's look, unless there truly is something wrong (STD, green goop oozing out? Who knows.) I was worried that maybe I'd have a funny smell, or a weird taste. I knew, for a fact, that I was clean, and that it didn't smell to me. I showered twice a day, shaved every day. The cleanest. Even still, I worried.

    Then, one night, he came to me and told me he wanted to try going down on me. He said, before he didn't really want to, but that he loved me and wanted to do something good for me because I'd always done it for him. He told me my body was beautiful, how much he "loved my pussy" (don't mean to get graphic, sorry guys, rofl), and basically just reassured me until I obliged. Even as he went down on me, he acknowledged that it wasn't bad like it had been the first time he tried, and that I didn't have a smell or a taste.

    You just have to let her know that you think she's beautiful--that EVERY PART of her is beautiful. My issue was being self-conscious. Love your girl, from head to toe. And make sure she knows! :)

  • How long have you two been together? I'm sure she'll eventually let you, just check with her every now and then. Be understanding of her decision, don't tell her you think it's strange if she still says no. She'll eventually come around.

    Note: Do not tell her your friend's girlfriend let's him go down on her, this will only make her feel like a bad girlfriend. And make you a jackass. :) Just in case you were thinking of doing this..

    Also, you said you have yet to make her orgasm? What makes you so sure that going down on her will make her orgasm? o.O

    Maybe THAT'S what she's afraid of, maybe she knows you EXPECT her to orgasm if you go down on her, so if she doesn't orgasm, then she knows you'll be disappointed, and will then feel like she's not normal because she didn't orgasm.

    If she eventually does let you go down on her, don't stop after 2 seconds because then she'll think you don't like it and she probably won't let you do it again. If you don't like it, you better effin pretend to effin love it, because if she finally let down her guard after all of your begging, and you turn out to not like it, then this will make her feel EXTREMELY insecure. So once you have done it, there's no turning back, you better be willing to do it again.

    Another thing, if she pushes your head away, that means stop. But these are just my opinions.

    You should talk to her about it.

Most Helpful Guys

  • maybe she has had a bad experience with someone else going down on her before. try to talk to her to understand and maybe then she will see you're not like this someone else.

  • The most likely thing I can think of is that she is not comfortable with herself down there...whether it be smell, how it looks, taste whatever...

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What Girls & Guys Said

7 1

  • Maybe she is worried about how she will taste and smell to you. Girls don't like thinking that there man won't like it and only do it because she wants him too. Or maybe she did have a bad experience just try and comfort her and maybe one day she will let you if not that's just her Good Luck :) :P :D XD

    • What could constitute a bad oral experience for a girl?

    • Well I have had Really bad experiences with oral I've been bit, torn, cut, and more so maybe she has had something less violent happen to her if so it takes a long time to get over unless you completely trusts the other person

    • Goddamn ! Were you in love with a lawn mower?

  • For the longest time I didn't want my boyfriend to go down on me either. It took a long time for me to get comfortable and even know I'm not completely 100% there. But he was very patient. Every time we were intimate he would just kiss me or lick me a little bit closer to my vagina, and just keep reassuring me that he loves everything about my body. One time he just got me so comfortable and relaxed that he actually ended up going down on me without me even noticing. All I knew was that it felt so good. Try those tips. And see if it works if not just give it time. eventually she'll come around just know that it isn't you or anything your doing wrong.

  • there could be no reason except her being scared of what you going to think..

    i never ever let anyone only my boyfriend once and that was a huge step

    even though I also gave oral

    just tell her its okay I just wanna show you what it feels like etc etc

    she might eventually let u

  • She may no feel comfortable with her body.

  • She is most likely just really nervous. Maybe no one else has ever done this for her. It might be intimidating for you to be so close to that part of her. She may be self conscious or grew up thinking that it is wrong. Just let her know that you think that she is beautiful and it is something that you want to do for her because you love her (If this is true).

  • Hi there. I make sex toys for oral, and I talk to guys a lot who want to be going down on their girlfriends more often. And I sometimes feel uncomfortable with oral too! So I wanted to give my two cents.

    First I think it's awesome of you that you want to please your girlfriend in this way. You're totally right that oral can feel insanely good, and it's a really great way to help a woman orgasm.

    But for many women to be able to orgasm, they need to have a super low stress level, and also the ability to focus. Emily Nagoski talks about this in her awesome book Come As You Are. For so many reasons, oral sex can be stressful for a lot of women, and can make it hard for them to focus on their pleasure. A lot of people feel uncomfortable with a partner's eyes and face so close to a place that has always felt private for them. Or they wonder if they're still on their period, or if they showered recently, or if they have toilet paper stuck. Or maybe their partner's facial hair is scratching against their body. These invasive thoughts can make it really hard for many women to maintain excitement about oral, even if they want to be enjoying it and DON'T want to be having those thoughts! And so even though it feels really good, they give up on it and switch to a different activity. After this happens time after time, a lot of women just give up on oral altogether, and this might be what's happening for your girlfriend.

    A lot of the other advice here is great -- tell your girlfriend how excited you are to go down on her, how great she tastes, how beautiful her body is. Your encouragement can definitely make a difference.

    Another solution is the sex products I make called Lorals -- silky latex panties designed to maximize sensations and minimize worries during oral. They block fluids, scratchy beards, and anything else preventing her from enjoying the experience, and they're incredibly stretchy and thin so you can easily move your tongue and fingers and she can feel it all. You can find them by googling Lorals or MyLorals.

    Crossing my fingers that she's able to find a way to enjoy oral if she wants it (or not at all, if it truly isn't her thing!). <3

  • I have gotten ate out plenty of times, but it just never satisfies me. I came to the conclusion that I just don't enjoy it. So now, I just let my sexual partners know that I genuinely just don't want head. Nothing personal.

  • Maybe she doesn't shave and her vag smells. Sometimes girls have those problems.

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