Guys, my friend with benefits can't keep it up?

[Anonymous]

So I have kind of a weird problem... I had developed a crush on one of my guy friends (I've known him for 5 years but we're not super close or anything, just talk occasionally, but he's had a crush on me since we met) and we started hanging out, but he broke off communication because he's not over his ex, and he sees her every day because they work together and he helps her with her math homework for a course they are taking together. Well, 2 weeks passed and I decided I wanted to start a friends with benefits thing with him (I'm in college, going to graduate and go to grad school by the end of the year so a relationship is probably a bad idea for me. friends with benefits seemed like the best solution to fill some *ahem* needs and relieve stress, plus I miss just having that kind of human contact). He agreed and was really excited about it. He came to my apartment on the weekend, and we were intimate for hours, but he couldn't get it up! He said he was nervous, and he had drank a little bit of Jack before he came over. He spent the night, we went and got breakfast, and we tried again the next morning. Still nothing. Again, he blamed it on nervousness, and he said that this always happens with new people (although it did not happen with his ex that he's still in love with). I was super understanding through all this, and kept telling him there wasn't any reason to be nervous, I think he's sexy etc. Although on the inside I was a little frustrated lol and wondering what I was doing wrong. He came over again last night (a day later) and the same thing happened, except this time it was even worse! We talked about it, and he said it might be because he still talks to his ex that he can't stay hard, but he said he was getting really angry because he really really wanted to have sex with me. I told him that I'm not going to tell him how to live his life, but he's gotta stop talking to her if he wants to move on and he agreed. Is this problem normal? Should I give up?

[yosimitesam]

Lots of guys get performance anxiety and have a hard time (sorry for the pun) getting and/or maintaining an erection; especially when you're really wanting to give this person great sex, your body parts can sometimes can resist causing a major backfire in your plans. You'll typically see more of this in older men, but it can affect any man at any age.

There could be something to him having feelings for his ex; maybe he feels guilty or is still in love with this girl to the point, he isn't quite as excited as he tries telling himself.

But I think he's just trying too hard (there's that damn pun again), and he needs to relax. He also can swallow his pride (sorry) and look into getting PED5 inhibitors (Viagra, Cialis) They even make generics you can find, but he may need to order them from websites out of the country; however, they work just fine and perhaps there's a bit of placebo in there to take his mind off of trying to have the perfect erection.

I've been there, and as I get older, I can sometimes struggle with the same thing, but I did have some issues with some women at a much younger age.

If he's not getting it up, it's not against the law for him to please you orally or with toys if you have them. You could also try doing the same for him (orally, that is, he may not be ready for a vibrator in the ass).

If you like this guy and enjoy his company, tell him you're willing to try some different things to satisfy one another, and tell him it's no big deal (literally at this point) he's going through this because lots of men do, and there are drugs that can help.

Good luck,

[yosimitesam]

I wanted to add, if he's on any kind of medications, it can have a dramatic effect on his manhood responding to stimulation. Anti-depressants are usually big on sabotaging sex drive and the ability to get an erection, but other dugs can as well. You may ask him if he's on anything, and also tell him to lay off the booze before you guys get busy, since we all know that can cause things to shut down.

[Peter0]

Yeah... nervousness can do that. And once it's happened once, of course, it can happen again even more easily.

How are his oral skills? Would a tongue and a couple of fingers satisfy you? Would he enjoy your going down on him, even if he's not erect? (I know I enjoy oral even if I don't come, and I fit in my gf's mouth better when I'm small ;p ) These are some questions the two of you might consider!

... don't feel you HAVE to stay and make it work. But if you can find something that's fun for both of you while you try for the whole intercourse thing, why not keep trying? :) OTOH, if it's not fun for either of you... don't.

(and lay off the booze, dude, not helping)

[DonkeyKong1979]

If it were a relationship situation then I'd say definitely persevere and work to overcome your problems in bed because those sort of things aren't worth giving up on a relationship over.

But as a friend with benefits, you're asking him to do one thing for you and he isn't delivering, he has to realise there will be limits to your patience, there comes a time when you have to give it up as a bad job and find someone who can deliver on their promises...

[Turendot]

It might be a size matter as well as too much JD.

[idontthinkimready]

The more he tries to avoid it happening the worse its gonna get. Just get him drunk and try to focus his mind away from his "derection"

[Anonymous]

He is there to have sex. That is job. And that makes him nervous.
Stop talking about his ex. she is not the problem for him.
Just say don't mind and it was fun. Ask if he at least wants to have fun with you. Finger you, lick, and all sort of stuff. he doesn't need to fuck. And the pressure is of, and his dick will start to work.