Sexual Health
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Is it a deal breaker if a girl wants to wait until marriage to have sex?

I'm 21 and want to wait till marriage before having sex with a guy...it may be partly due to religion, but it's also partly because I've been screwed over by a guy who pretty much told me (though not in those exact words) that I was boring and not good enough if I didn't do anything sexual with him. He tried to force me and I thought he was going to rape me. Since then I've known that I'll never be ready to do anything sexual with a guy (other than some innocent making out) and feel comfortable with it unless I'm married to him. So I guess what I'm asking is...will I ever find a guy who will be willing to get into a relationship with me even though I won't do anything sexual with him, other than making out?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I'll be honest.

    Waiting for marraige -- It wouldn't be a dealbreaker with me, but it would weigh down really heavy on the relationship. I believe that you have to be in love to have sex, but you don't have to be married to be in love. I'm not a religious person, so maybe that has something to do with it.

    But since it would weigh so heavy on the relationship, the girl would have to be extra special to make me want to continue the relationship if I have to wait until marriage to have sex. I'd think we'd have to have virtually everything in common and a way to ease sexual tension to take the weight off, like cuddling, making out, and most of the stuff they teach you in high school for abstinence ("outercourse/clothes on," for example).

    Since virtually all men are heavily influenced by sexual feelings (what they say about a man has a sexual thought every five minutes or so is TRUE), it will be extremely difficult to find someone who will not be sexual.

    What I really want to tell you though is that the guy who forced himself on you is a jerk, and might have traumatized you to dislike sex to an extent. What I think would be more realistic, and it might be tough, is find a nice, attractive guy that will care about you for the way you are, and experience some sexual chemistry with him--if he really cares about you, he'll know you're really sensitive about this and will respect you and take it slow, and it will be an experience that's a lot nicer and much more pleasant than what happened with the guy that tried to rape you. And if it goes all the way, that's ok and it's not the end of the world (just make sure to use protection).

  • Its a good way to find a good guy, it shows he likes you for who you are, and not because you give him what he wants. If I like a girl, I don't care about waiting for sex... infact I don't even mind if she never wants to have sex. I'd not give up on someone who I think is amazing for some silly selfish craving (its not even a physical need) so I could live without it if that's what it would take. I know you are just waiting until marriage, I guess I'm just trying to point out what I (and perhaps some guy) would go to, for someone they love. :)

    • This is probably coming from someone who is terrified of sex and has convinced himself that it's not important because he was either never able to initiate it. so what happens when a guy like this finally gets married? perhaps he'll love his wife even more and go through that experience with the love of his life... or maybe he'll understand what he was missing out on and decides it was just the mystery that made him so fond of her. this is not a black and white issue, it's very personal

    • Nah I'm not terrified of it, its just not number one on my list... If she wants to wait I'm not going to force her into it, I'd be able to initiate when she is ready, making initiation when she doesn't want it is not something you want to be doing.

    • There should be more people like you :)

Most Helpful Girls

  • I know you posted this a while back, but I wanted to share a story from when I was younger. (I was younger than you, so it kind of doesn't apply, but it can show both "sides" of the situation.)

    I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, and on my second date I went out with a guy who was 19. I'd know him for a while, but we'd never been alone together until then. After the date, he wanted me to "take care of his business" for him in the car in my driveway. I refused, and he didn't call me again. Well, the next weekend he took out a friend of mine who did give in and sleep with him, and surprise - he never called her again either. Like others have said, the ones like that aren't worth your time. You stick with what your heart tells you. BTW, I am not religious, so that had nothing to do with my decision that night. I did not wait until marriage, but I knew at that time that I wasn't ready and for him to ask me to do that when he knew I just started dating told me he wasn't the right one either.

  • i know you asked this a month ago but I was looking for something and found it - yes it is possible something very similar happened to me, and when I met my boyfriend we really liked each other he asked me if I waned to go have sex, I was terrified to tell him but I had to - that I was a virgin and wasn't comfortable having sex now or soon probably not even until I was married. I thought there was no way in hell he'd stay, but he proved me wrong he stayed that nice and for about two years so far, It is possible :)

    if its that important don't do anything until you are comfortable, with your reasons they should respect your choice, if they don't they are the wrong guy

  • Simple answer is yes you will. Not all guys are sex-mad :P and there are men out there who just like you would rather wait until marriage, maybe you're just looking in the wrong places. A guy should never ever disrespect you and tell you what you should and shouldnt believe, if you want to wait until marriage to have sex then that's your right, if he loves you enough then he too would wait for you :)

    Don't give it up to anybody just because you think he may leave you if you don't sleep with him. If he's not willing to wait then he's not the right guy for you :)

    Good luck

    xoxox

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What Girls & Guys Said

4 14

  • For some guys, yes, it is a deal breaker.

    For some guys, no,it's not.

    Stick to your conviction. The guys that it is a deal breaker for are not worth your time.

  • Waiting is a good way to weed out the bad ones. Waiting til your married though might be a bit much especially if youve had sex with someone before,its a little hard to understand for a guy and he might be insulted.

  • The answer is YES!

    You wouldn't believe how many men out there are looking for a woman just like you!

    Stay pure and stick close to God. Your body is a gift, a special gift. You will not believe how staying pure will impact your life for the better. I could go on and on. Gt involved with your church and seek out guys who feel the same way as you do. Trust me, they are there!

    God bless you.

  • i'm glad to know that I am not the only one waiting. I would say that waiting is the right thing to do. you will soon find someone with your own interests too. it's just a matter of time.

    • That makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one too :) guys who are willing to wait as long as it takes are few and far between though

    • I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, too. Everyone on here seems to think I'm stupid and too religious for waiting. Yes, I am a Christian, and I love God. God designed sex, and he designed it for marriage. But in addition to that, why would I give myself away to someone I'm who hasn't made vows to me at the altar, to be faithful to me unto death? No one seems to understand that. They just tell me that kind of stuff just happens in fairy tales.

    • "God designed sex, and he designed it for marriage." And God told you that, of course. You must have a fascinating life. XD

  • I understand what your saying and I believe that there isd a guy out there for you but you will have more stupid people to go throught than other girls. If it's what you believe stick to your guns and wait until you find the right guy for you. I wish you then best of luck.

  • if he's christian than no its not a deal breaker...

    BUT!

    if he's a normal joe and not religious like me than YES especially if he's been patient for months. none religious men have needs. I'm older and I can't date girls if I can't be intimate with them. its not about sex its about intimacy.

  • If he thought you were boring, I believe you would have discovered fairly quickly, sex or not, that HE was boring, and your relationship wasn't very deep or rich. Sex can be the frosting on the cake, but there has to BE a cake!*

    A lot of guys (and girls) make a pledge of chastity, and many of them break that pledge. Their reasons for making it in the first place, though, are different than yours.

    You may want to talk to a professional counselor about this. It seems by your experiences, you may have developed a minor, but persistent neurosis. It may not quickly vanish, even once you do marry. Left unchecked, it could undermine a good relationship.

    When you give yourself, it will not be to oblige, or reward, but simply as a gift, out of love. The one who deserves it will love you and gift you, and you each will do this a hundred times ever before naked bodies are involved.

    Good luck, and good love.

  • I can't speak for everyone but here's my take:

    -I'ma gnostic and not relgious, so I don't thinka ny1 will "burn in hell" for pre-martial sex

    -I believe sex is ideal inside marriage and scoiety would be better off in many ways if it tayed that way.

    -Thats awful what happened to you, please don't think even msot guys are like that.

    -I guess maybe I have a weak libido but I mean I've never really thought that "Guys need sex" I mean physically speaking, masturbation gives relief just as much as intercourse, but mb is not emotionally gratifying

    Sex is most emotionally gratifying in marriage, and that's the real point of it in ym view, the physical aspects are onyl vlauable because they allow us express our emotions and shar an intimate expereince...what better place than inside a commitment like marriage to leave this?

  • It will certainly limit the potential candidates, but I think you will find a better life partner match if you do. My wife and I both waited until marriage.

    You might also consider some additional pre-marriage counseling when the time comes to make sure you have been able to get past your bad experience and that you and your future husband are starting on the same page.

  • No its not deal braker for most mature guys because Sex is just a bonus of the a relationship not somthing that the relationship should be based on...I'll admit that it will be hard to be in a no sex till marrige relationship but if the guy loves you enough then your more then worth it,

  • Yes, you sure will. It took a while for me to find a girl that has the same values as me, and this is on the top of the list. I assure you, there are guys out there (I am one) who will not consider sex before marriage. To prove a point (not spamming here, just showing how I feel) link

  • It'll be harder for you to find a guy but this is possible...if he loves you then he'll probably be okay with it...at least play with his balls or something...or poor guy will have blue balls...

  • great question I sometimes feel like no one will want me because of trhis

  • I could be good friends on that basis but then I wouldn't engage myself further than you do.

  • Nothing wrong with waiting, darlin.. God's Will for us is to wait for marriage..

  • waiting till marriage, for a guy anyways, requires discipline and a strong will over the body. tho because of this it forces him to have a strong mind and it proves his dedication to you.

    do you really want a guy that listens more to his hormones then the one he loves?

    do you want a guy that would put his own urges before you?

    and any guy that needs a "test drive" before getting married is just stupid...

    sex has so many different possibilities/positions/experiences that if 2 people love each other and work at it then it will become better and better... for both the guy and girl.

  • Not all guys are the same, but it would be a deal breaker for me.

    • As for the other answers here, you have to realize there is a certain group here that is against premarital sex, and they wait around for questions like this. This is not a good representation of how most men feel.

    • Being in the majority doesn't make you better. She asked if there were "any" and the answer is that there are enough.

  • I'm going to have to disagree with everyone else here. Most adult men want to have sex as part of a mature relationship, and sex is such an important part of marriage I would find it difficult to marry someone who I never had sex with. Don't get me wrong you are totally entitled to your religious beliefs and no one can make you do something you don't want to do, but I think most guys would find this to much to bear. You should consider what a serious commitment a marriage is. The consequences of rushing into a problematic marriage or just moving to quickly might be something you will regret far more than sleeping with a boyfriend that was not the right person for you.

    • I could not agree more

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