My boyfriend treats me badly when we don't have sex?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/ years now and we have lived together for months now. When we first started dating we had sex to times a week. Well now it's times a week or so. When we have sex he is in the best mood and so sweet to me...when we don't he acts like a jerk and doesn't talk to me or cuddle. I just recently lost my job and I have been stressed beyond belief! I just haven't been in the mood and we haven't had sex for a week now. I went job hunting all day yesterday and I was just exhausted by the time he came to bed he tried getting me in the mood and I said "baby I am sorry but I just feel drained." He got p*ssy and didn't talk to me. I don't know why he acts like this! We have great sex but I just wish he would be a little understanding. Is this normal? I mean he seriously gets rude and won't talk to me or completely ignore me...

[jdcpa]

I think the bigger question you should be thinking about is:

"what is he trying to communicate?"

that will help you answer:

"why is he trying to communicate this?"

which will help answer:

"how is he feeling?"

and if you really care:

"why is he feeling this way?"

I'm just going to shamelessly cut to the chase and say that sex matters. Sex is important. If you're working, if you're tired, if you're old, etc.. if you have too much time or too much stress, as a guy, both of those are great reasons to either desire your partner more, or seek comfort & closeness with your partner.

Every guy's biggest fear, (right on top of changing dipers, doing the dishes, or having his balls cut off) is being stuck in a sexless or sexually miserable relationship..

So you can imagine what a sudden & unexplained drop in your sex life does to those fears..

When there's a lack of sex.. the first thing he feels is fear.. fear that things are heading downhill and will only get worse.. he starts to think things like "oh crap, I guess it's already begun.. soon the headaches are gonna start, and I'll be one of those guys who only has sex once every year.. if he's lucky"..

The next thing he feels is anger.. Why anger? Because the way he rationalizes the situation is.. "This is not the kind of sex life I deserve.. I'm not ugly, I'm not unattractive, I'm not a loser, I'm not a bad person.. and I refuse to feel like all these things.. I refuse to accept this as my sex life.. I'm not happy sexually.. and I don't want to have to pick & choose between how I feel emotionally & how I feel sexually with the same person.. I want both.. but if I can't have both.. I don't want any of it"

Then, this is usually the point where people try to "communicate" a problem, to try and get it resolved.. Communication, also known as man's Achile's heel, can have either a sophisticated or primitive form.

In this case, he's communicating primitively.. but the message is still the same.. you just have to learn how to listen to it..

He's communicating that he's not happy.. and that this isn't something he wants you to grow comfortable with.. feel is okay.. or feel that he would accept.. In short.. he's trying to tell you that this is unacceptable going forward into the relationship.. and that it has to stop..

If the issue persists.. he'll eventually reach the conclusion that he's better off having you as a friend or acquaintance.. but definitely not as a girlfriend.. and he will find a way or ways to end things together.. so that he can make himself available to other girls who he can have both an emotional & sexual relationship with..

It's really that simple..

[hisangel]

Totally right on! Exactly what I've heard guys say over the years but just put in such a clear way. Just summed up perfectly. I feel like copying this and emailing it to every woman I know so she gets it.

[DocClassic]

Best answer fo sure

[Kjohnso]

It sounds like women are not allowed to say no ☹️

[rayraywins]

This is normal. Trust me. I don't know the scientific reasoning why, but it has to do with something in the guy's brain that thinks that when you live with a girl, that should mean sex every night. Girls on the other hand, when they live with a dude, they get comfortable and start to embrace relationships in ways beyond sex, while guys are still thinking about sex. It's not his fault that this is going on, but it IS his fault that he is not respecting your feelings and being patient. He needs to show you more affection in moments that sex is not involved, this will help you get in the mood slowly by knowing that he does care about you. He needs to be patient and understand you are living together now, and sex is not everything. Main thing is, he needs to grow up. It's not high school anymore or some schoolyard relationship when your living with a girl. Relationships take on a whole other level that goes deeper than sex. Please take it from me, I used to be that guy. There is hope for him, he just needs to wise up.

[Asker]

I mean he just takes it toooo far! I enjoy having sex with him but I just lost my job and I have a house payment and a car payment due and that's all I can think about!

[hisangel]

Oh yeah, guys definitely get like that. One of my friends and I joke that it's like their form of PMS. They get grumpier and moodier the more and more time goes on and they haven't had sex.

I'm not saying it's right cause whether it is PMS for women or this for men, no one should treat someone else like crap. But, I don't care how many people say sex is just physical for a man, sex really does something for him mentally and emotionally. It just makes him feel good. Good about himself and good about the relationship.

I don't know who said it but when I was younger I heard someone say sex is to men what talking is to women. And as I've gotten older I completely agree with that. It's bonding and it makes you feel like the person cares about your needs. The more it's cut off, the grumpier the other person is going to be.

Plus, guys see sex as a great remedy for depression or exhaustion. I think any guy would love to come home exhausted and have his girl offer to make love to him. It is just a surefire way to turn an awful day around. My partner can have the crappest day ever and if I make love to him it's like nothing in the day really bothered him anymore and he sleeps easy, even if he was stressed. So, your boyfriend may have been hurt that if sex can fix his day, shouldn't it fix yours?

This is just one of those things where it's learning about the other persons needs. Even if we don't completely understand them.

[candlewax]

Tell him to get an effing grip. I understand how guys work and get that they want it and have their worries when you don't want them back, but really? Throwing a tantrum about it like a 2 year old? Get over it. It's showing how selfish he is if he can't even understand why you're all turned off at the moment.

I get his side of the story, but he needs to be more understanding of the situation. A week is nothing, really. It can be in a steady relationship, but he should start whining when it goes beyond that time frame. Crap happens. He needs to realize this and quit being a selfish, spoiled baby about it.

It's like how guys wanna bug you for sex when you're sick, and it doesn't matter if you're feeling like crap. But when they're sick? Fawn over them because poor baby is sick! *eye roll* Just sit down and talk to him and apologize, but tell you're stressing and it's nothing against him. If he's any sort of decent human being, and really cares about you, then he'll understand and get over it. You already feel bad enough about not being in the mood. He behaving like a spoiled brat about it isn't cool.

In the meantime, direct him toward a sock and some lotion. Maybe some p*rn too.

[xxwhisperzxx]

thats not normal AT ALL

i don't wanna butt in, but I think he doesn't really love you...

ask him, why he's like that.

i think that would help

dont break up with him yet, ask him first

[JayCee123]

My boyfriend does the same thing and he said the first answer u were given is accurate ☝️. I guess I never thought it was so complex. I thought he was just over reacting. A lot it has to do with him thinking I'm getting it from somewhere else. He says everytime he tries to have sex with me I make an excuse to get out of it. He does always want to have sex when I'm leaving for work and he has the day off or when I'm in the middle of cooking or cleaning. I also don't like engaging in sex in a messy environment so when he's ready as soon as we get home I want to clean our room first. Because I'm a woman I can't get turned on if things are in a disarray. It makes me feel dirty and it's all I can think about. I'm also on a medication that lowers my sex drive. There's a lot of factors that come into play but we do have sex at least five times a week so I don't know what his problem is and when we DO have sex he thinks I don't enjoy it even though I cum every single time