How can I teach my husband to be rougher in bed?

I'm 25 and married.. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and we have a great marriage! I'm very attracted to him, but sex with him is just not doing it for me. He's very attentive and gentle during sex, but I would like for him to be more aggressive and like calls me names, talk dirty to me, pin me down and have his way with me. I'm very much a control freak, so the idea of being completely dominated in bed really turns me on! I've always felt this way, but as my life gets bigger and more hectic, and I have more responsibilities, I find myself wanting this more and more. we've talked about it in the past, and I've told him what I want him to do to me, to which he says: "we'll have to try it." but then when it comes down to it, he just pulls out all the same moves and I'm left confused and frustrated. During sex, I've asked him to slap my ass, pull my hair pinch my nipples, etc, and he will (sorta light and soft though) but ONLY when I tell him to. When I talk dirty to him he only replies with sweet lovey dovey remarks, its so frustrating! I once bought an issue of Maxim Magazine that had an article about primal sex, where they were talking about how a lot of women like rough sex, and I flagged the page with a sticky note and left it on the coffee table. He found it and asked why I was reading it and I told him I think it sounds like a lot of fun. I figured he'd get the hint, but still nothing. I also tried taking dirty pics of myself and sending them to him at work with a description of what I wanted him to do to me ( which was so graphic) but instead I come home to candles and flowers and a massage?! Once I told him that my biggest fantasy was to come home and be thrown up against the wall and raped hard and forced to do whatever he wanted me to( No I have never been sexually abused nor did I have a traumatic childhood, its just the idea of being totally helpless that turns me on!) and asked what his fantasy was, and that whatever it was I would do it for him, but he says he doesent have any? I'm at my wits end with this, and I spend most nights masturbating to p*rn and faking a headache. What can I do to teach him that this is what I need to be satisfied sexually? Maybe he thinks I'm a freak, I don't know, but I love him and trust him and don't think I should be ashamed of my sexual identity. Helpp!


Most Helpful Girl

  • Sorry this post is very long so I had to split it into 2 posts. But I totally understand what you are going through. I am the one who had a history of being more into bondage and my partner now is very much into romantic sex. So there are things I learned that I hope can help with some of the frustration.

    First off, I had to learn that his sexual desires aren't bad, just like mine aren't. At first I felt frustrated with the difference in our desires but I realized that I was demeaning his desires. I wanted to be accepted as more adventurous but I wasn't accepting him as being more loving. I felt like a freak so I made him feel like a pussy. I wasn't doing it on purpose but my disappointment was clear. So I had to get to a place of realizing that his desires are just as much a part of who he is as mine are to me. When I did that, I saw the beauty in the candles, massages, and music. I saw how much love was put into it and I was able to be satisfied with his way of expressing himself. It took a while but I slowly began to see the heart behind it. The more I accepted and loved his form of sex, the more he opened up to my desires. I have a hard time believing any man doesn't have some fantasies like your husband said. He may just feel very hesitant to share them if he knows that you might turn your nose up to more romantic fantasies. He has deep desires just like you. And even if they don't appeal to you, they are still very precious to him.

    Second, I had to accept, no matter how much we can pretend there isn't a degrading element to things like being slapped in sex, there is to many people. You can see why a husband who wants to show his wife how much he loves her would have a hard time slapping her across the face when all he sees is that he is no better than a man who would slap a woman for dropping a plate. You need to show him that one of the biggest reasons people like bondage is also the feelings it gives a man that he is truly a man and gives a woman that she is truly a woman. The sexual high of completely trusting a man with your body is a huge part of the draw. That's what it's important to show him. I realized the reason my partner didn't want to do any of really intense things to me was because of his love for me, not cause of some timidness in him because he is not a timid man. I realized he wanted to protect me even if I was asking for the opposite. He won't let anyone hurt me, not even him if I ask him too. And that is very sexy to me. He is very protective of me sexual and that is very much the same feelings that come in rough sex, even if there isn't always rough sex. I actually find myself craving gentle sex more and more because I get those intense feelings in the way he does it. Those feelings of simulating rape or domination can be found without it, to an even higher degree. It does get to a point where they kind of feel like faking the real thing.


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What Guys Said 3

  • This is usually a tufy, I used to be like that till my girlfriend broke me of it. Have a long conversation with him, explain in detail what you want, make sure he listens, then right then & there turn him on hardcore and tell him he is going to have to claim his desires, keep doing this & don't relent, give him Zero sex till he comes through, worked on me, and now I love rough sex. If talking don't work use his primal urgess & sexual frustration, be dominant to him to show him what you want, go easy at first though as he might not be used to it. Hope I helped!

    • Really, you were the same way? you didn't think your girlfriend was a freak, lol? cause I've talked to him about it so much and I am very blunt, so my thought is the only reason he doesent do it is cause he thinks I'm a werdo lol! but I'm going to try this, thanks!

    • Well, the problem is he prob. think's it will hurt you or he'll be to rough, that was my prob, once you can show him what your pain threshold is and are able to inform him that pain can turn to pleasure he will catch on. As for what he think's,... ask him. You won't know what's what till you do, if he doesn't think it's freaky, then by all means move forward, express to him that there must be balance in bed, rough, and romantic, otherwise the romance becomes boring.

    • That sounds like it should work but what if your man can go months (11 months 2wks & 4 days to be exact) what than?

  • Have you ever explicitly stated that you want him to do these things?

    Women fail to understand that when they talk around things, guys generally don't "get the hint". It's obvious to you what you want, but unless you specifically and explicitly tell him what you want, he's not going to do it.

    Or if he does understand, it may just be an issue of energy. Women usually don't have to do a lot of work in bed, so they don't understand just how much energy it takes to do something like pin someone up against a wall and have sex while pinning them down.

    • I know this wasn't meant as a dig on woman, but just so you know there are plenty of woman out there who are very entergetic in the bedroom myself included. I don't mind my guy lying back and letting me do it all so long as he is showing he is interested and into it.

  • Actually, what might help is to show him this post. Seriously. Between your screen name and the fact that you're asking for advice online might help him get the hint. Also, break out the p*rn... the hard stuff you're looking for is online tell him that's what you want. Maybe he just can't picture it. Finally, as sinful said, be explicit about what you want. No hinting.

    I can't help you more than that... I'm extremely dom and my wife is extremely sub, so we fit quite well.

    • I don't think I can show him the post lol I don't want to hurt his ego, thatll just make things worse.. but I have talked to him so much and trust me I didn't pg down what I wanted.. I think I will try the p*rn though, I know exactly where to find it haha. Thanks!

    • You can also help him understand by showing. Take gagging/deepthroat for example. You may want him to grab your hair and throat f*ck you, but he won't do it because he thinks it's painful or demeaning. Next time you suck his c*ck, go way down and force yourself to gag... he'll get the idea.

What Girls Said 3

  • And I just crave the real feelings of him being in control that comes with how he makes love to me.

    I also had to learn that no one is born knowing exactly how to please others. If back massages are his thing then there is nothing in him that knows how to make a slap across the face sexual. You have to teach him what you want. Have you ever had a puppy? Do you say "No, don't pee on the carpet." once? Or do you say it 367 times? I'm not saying men are like dogs. I'm saying in order to show anything with its own will and desires, how to please you, you have to show them over and over again.

    He twists your nipples once. Tell him to do it again. Tell him to do it harder. Tell him to do it 45 times till you don't have to tell him. It's the same thing with a woman who wants gentle sex and gets rough sex. She has to show her lover how to be gentle over and over again.

    Also don't overwhelm him. Don't tell him you want to be raped when he is having a hard time with nipple twisting. It will make him feel like he can never please you so why try. Be happy with what he is trying and encourage him. Thank him for trying the things he did and he will see how much it means to you. Slowly let him get to the rough stuff.

    Finally, accept his boundaries. We all have limits in sex. Everyone. Sex is about 2 people, not just one person getting off. So sometimes we have to accept the persons boundaries as a sign of love. There are times it's frustrating but it's so much more satisfying then always pushing the person.

    From experience I can tell you that I have been in a relationship where I got everything I wanted sexually and the boundaries where pushed constantly. We were very sexually compatible and always went to extremes. It didn't do what I thought. I still wasn't happy.

    But I am beyond happy with my sex life now. He is my best ever. He gives me the fabulous feelings of him being in complete control without degrading me. It's amazing what things like having a man tell you to look him in the eyes the whole time can do.

    It's seriously about finding a balance. He and I have mixed our sexual styles and it works amazing for us. I know we are both happier with what the other person has brought to the table then without it.

    • Well this was very insightful and I think I could learn a lot from you and your life! I don't agree 100% with everything you say, but I can see how a lot of it is that he doesent want to hurt me and wants to protect me. I will try to be more attentive!

    • Damn, talk about a good answer.

    • You definitely don't have to agree with everything cause a lot of your motivations, desires, & experiences are going to be completely different then mine. Not to mention we have different men with different attitudes so not everything I said will apply to you. But having gone through so much frustration & coming out in a place where I'm more than happy with my sex life (when I went through times of considering break up out of frustration), I hope it can help take some of your frustrations away.

  • Have you ever thought of sex therapy or a sex workshop? They can do them privately. I think it would be beneficial for you both because perhaps there are things that he would like as well that you don't know about.

  • Get him excited to the point that he can't turn back. Then playfully tell him "if you want me you're going to have to take me." Struggle just enough to show him that he will have to take charge but not so much that he thinks you don't want him. If he backs off, start teasing him again and then just when he starts to come towards you pull back. Eventually he'll probably just throw you down like you want.

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