How to be comfortable with husband watching films with nudity?

We have been married 15 years and have 2 children. Early in our relationship I was comfortable having porn in the house. I even had my own Penthouse subscription and purchased Maxim for him. I don't know where or when the switch flipped, but I can't tolerate it anymore. It bothers me knowing he is ogling another woman on screen nude. I don't think I look bad. I could certainly look better. I'm not thrilled with my breast size... it used to not bother me at all. I know everyone keeps saying it's your self-esteem, blah blah blah, but really, the more analyzing I do, and I feel like my husband is to blame. I have been called nasty things in arguments such as old hag, been told I'm not a looker, names, etc., and there just have been enough nice things said about me to counter all the bad. I don't feel like he finds me attractive; therefore, it angers me that he sits back and ogles all these perfect looking women right in front of me. I tell him some compliments from time-to-time would be nice, but he just blows me off and says that he doesn't want to be with a woman who needs complimenting. How do women deal with this with their husbands? How do you guys not have a problem watching your husband drool over some woman with huge breast? My man barely notices mine even during sex, so how am I not supposed to feel inadequate?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • When someone tries to stop their partner from having natural human fantasy is wrong and abusive.

    Female fantasy is generally mental and based on emotion, romance, and sex. So women fantasize by stimulating thought, by reading a book or watching a movie about romance, love, and even sex. This is how women fantasize and how women get off.

    Males fantasy is visual and based on sex. So porn is the same for males as a female watching a chick flick or reading a steamy novel.

    YOU trying to force him to stop something he can not stop because it makes YOU feel bad is wrong and abusive. If he gave you an ultimatum and tried to force you to stop having mental fantasy you know you couldn't do it. You can't simply shut off the brain. It would be wrong for him to even suggest it.

    The major difference between female fantasy and male fantasy is that when a male looks at porn he does NOT compare his partner to the person in the video. We focus on small aspects of the video we like, for example, the way a body part moves or looks. It has nothing to do with the girl even. Sometimes it's even the way the guy's penis throbs as it's unloading inside a vagina.
    We don't take our fantasy and put false expectations onto you. We don't compare. YOU assume we do because as a female you compare yourself to other females constantly. We do NOT.

    Female fantasy does actually push false expectations onto your partner. Women watch romance movies, make their partner watch them with her, then say shit like "You should be more like that" or "I wish you did those things for me" etc. Putting bullshit expectations from your fantasy onto us.

    SO leave him alone with his fantasy, stop trying to shame it and stop it. It has NOTHING to do with you. If he knew what it was you thought about to get yourself off, he would likely cringe at the thought. (Especially since the most common female fantasy is the forced by a stranger "rape" fantasy)

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    • I appreciate your thoughts; however, I feel like we have drifted far off topic. I don’t so much have an issue with porn. In fact, I would enjoy watching it with him, as the intent would be to both get something out of it. Romance movies do shit for me, so I reckon I am not the norm. I rather get turned on viewing porn. My issue, is that when viewing the movie, tv series, Netflix etc., there is always the token nude woman. It angers me that he is always getting visually pleasured, and then can’t extend the occasional kind comment towards me. I reckon it could be coined as jealous but at times it just makes me mad. I’m not trying to suppress his fantasy etc., I just think that if you are going to constantly see a fully nude woman, often right in front of your significant other, perhaps it would be nice to tell her that you love her breasts, she’s hot, gorgeous etc. Of course I got all kinds of attention for my breasts while breast feeding my infant…cause they were bigger. Now I cannot ev

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    • Well, the idiots who whine about dress codes in the schools will generally say men are distracted by shoulders and dumb shit like that. Beyond retarded assumption.
      Women assume we watch porn for the girl in the video. Generally Not true.
      They assume men stare at girls because we are aroused by them. Also not true.
      Things like these are common misconceptions women have.

      Yeah some males like tits and are turned on by tits (generally it's the pigs who are aroused by practically anything or guys who haven't see many women naked.)

      Most males are turned on by a females interest in them. A females desire or need to turn him on. In porn, it's usually the enthusiasm of the female, Her reactions, the way certain muscles move or sounds being made.

      Why do they keep putting tits in movies... I don't know. So adolescent males will get to see tits? maybe?

    • Your response got me to laugh-out-loud, thanks for that. You are very to-the-point!! Thanks for sharing.

Most Helpful Girl

  • OMG I'm guessing that your husband doesn't get much from you in the bedroom and it's not your fault.
    he should be making you feel like the sexiest woman alive but instead he insults you by calling you names during arguments, name calling is never right.
    your husband doesn't know how to fight fair and it's getting to the point where his apologies mean nothing.
    I've had to tell my husband that if he wants to ogle at other women to do it more discreetly because it makes me feel insecure about my body. This is understandable because I'm an almost 40 mother of three.
    I'm with you on this and your husband needs to be so much more understanding than he is.
    My husband has since changed for the better and I hope yours does too.

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What Guys Said 30

  • I think if it hasn't bothered you for 15 years and now it suddenly bothers you, then the change is in you, not him. I don't see why he should have to change his 15 year learned and accepted behavior because you suddenly don't like it. Maybe it is a little selfish of him to not be willing to change for you, but it is also pretty selfish of you to expect him to change on YOUR whim. You know who you married and you have accepted that man for 15 years. It isn't fair for him to have to suddenly change who he is because your "switch flipped". What you need to do is have a conversation with him and be very honest. You need to tell him that your thoughts on him looking at nudity have changed and that you feel unwanted. DO NOT come at him saying (or implying) that it is his fault. He will shut down and you will have even more ground to cover before reaching a compromise. Afterall, it IS you that has changed, not him. Try to be understanding and come to an agreement. On a side note, I noticed in the comments that you weren't necessarily referring to porn that bothers, but watching movies with bare breasts or nude/sex scenes. That is one that is a bit ridiculous. If you can't stand your husband of 15 years looking at a 10-30 second nude or sex scene in a movie, there is a very big issue with YOU.

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    • True. I honestly think I am this way because he's lazy in bed, and pays more attention to these other women nude... even the 30 second nude scene than he does me. And no, I haven't let myself go. I weigh about 6-7 lbs more than I did in my 20's, I run, eat right etc... he's likely 60 lbs more and makes ZERO effort. So it may be wrong of me, because I would love to have the relationship back where I could enjoy the nude women with him, but I just ain't comfortable when I can't get the attention I deserve.

  • OKAY!!! I need to put my foot down here and put in my opinion... He is an ass! I used to watch porn while with my girl and she didn't like it until I told her WHY I do. I told her I watch porn so I can fantasize about doing those things to her. I never once desired the woman in the video.

    Your husband though is being a duesch. I bet you are an amazing looking woman and I bet you it's his own self-esteem. You sound like a respectable and independent woman. He make be taking a blow to his ego and if it is YOU better not feel bad. He should be proud of you and tell you that you are a TEMPLE every day!!!

    I don't know if this is okay to do but I want to talk more about this and comfort you, reassure you!

    My email is Kyleweslyblackburn@gmail. com

    Phone number (can only text):
    (760) 309-1683

    I want to tell you just how amazing you really are because I won't let this man talk to you and make you feel the way you do. It's because of how he talks to you, you may not be jealous. Your hurt and angry which you fucking should be!

    Sorry I'll leave room on here for other people. This just bugged me, your beautiful hun no matter what because your a woman.

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    • Thank u for your thoughts. Again, it's not necessarily the porn that gets to me. It's the every netflix show that is pit on tv.

    • Oooohhhh, if you got kids he shouldn't be watching it with them around in general

  • He says doesn't want to be in a "relationship with a woman who needs compliments," is something like saying he doesn't want a relationship where he has to put anything into the relationship. He sounds like a selfish jerk.

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    • You are exactly right. We got into an argument last night and I was told... u r married to a man who doesn't like anything about you, now how does that make you feel? Why say something like that and then ask how I feel?

    • He obviously doesn't have much understanding of what a relationship is, or how to interact with people you care about.

  • When you told him you wanted complimented, did you also include the fact that it hurts your feelings that he's also ogling other women while not paying you compliments?

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    • I did, and he states that it is not his fault that nude women are now in just about every show. He states that he doesn't want to be with someone with my insecurities and someone who needs compliments. Is this the norm for men? Do men in general not like being with a woman who appreciates being told she is beautiful, has nice breasts etc?

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    • suggestions on how to make him jealous?

    • Make him take you out and wear revealing clothing. Openly flirt with other guys who give you attention right in front of him. Go as far as his reactions will let you.

  • I don't think sex or porn are the issue here. I think there's bigger issues at hand. For example, the communication and respect

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    • it's the name calling during their arguments, name calling really hurts and it's not how you fight fair.

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    • that's what I'm talking about but this isn't what her husband is doing.

    • @Goodwifie yes there should be more respect and love

  • It's too late for you. Divorce him, take everything and never let him see his kids again. He's a monster and you deserve a coddling billionaire with no self esteem to give you absolutely everything you've ever wanted, including a lover you'll respect and not the pussy-whipped shit you actually married.

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  • I would suggest looking into some kind of marriage counseling to get to the bottom of why he started treating you this way. Did it just happen suddenly? Was there an inciting incident? Was he always like this? by the way, I love small breasts.

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  • He's addicted to porn and he's turned into a pure jerk. Threaten divorce and tell him to get his stuff together.

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    • He's not addicted to porn. It's not porn watching that he does in front of me.

  • Your self esteem has taken a knock, and so you are equating nude pictures with competition. This has been caused by your husband attacking your looks and insecurities when you argue and fight.

    The only way to fix this, is for you both to learn how to argue constructively, for HIM to apologise for words spoken in anger, for HIM to repair the damage done to your self esteem. And for YOU to forgive him.

    That said, people are creatures of habit and after this long being shitty arguers, I can't see either of you doing the necessary.

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  • Seriously, after 15 years, you're still acting like a fifteen-year-old. And by watching films with nudity, you mean porn?

    You're complaining about him nkt finding you attractive, what do you want exactly? For him to find you attractive?

    Complaining won't change that, trying to make him stop watching porn won't do a thing either.

    You should accept that you're not larticularly attractive compared to some.

    Yet no need to worry, your hudband probably isn't a Brad Pitt sort.

    He'll never have those women. Don't bother yourself

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    • I wasn't referring to porn. I was referring to the typical netflix series or redbox. Each and every film has tits in it... why no dick? You men will never understand what it's like to sit down to watch some entertainment and have a large dick flashed on screen each and every time... and not in a comical manner either but in a sexual way. Why should I have to sit there why the man is shown the tits over and over and pretend like it's not uncomfortable for me.

    • Why would you be bugged by them? Most of them have some storytelling underneath, and not just some fuckfest.

      They usually don't put dicks because usually, actors aren't fully naked in those scenes, they cover genitals with thin prostetics.

      Covering men is a bit problematic.

      They had dicks in Spartacus for example. I watched that with my girlfriend, never gave a fuck.

      But in that, many times women were fully naked as well.

      But in most, you don't actually see vaginas either.

      Besides, men are being presented as sexual objects as well. Just their chests aren't seen as a big deal or anything.

      That's why.

  • I think you used to be cool with it, but him constatntly looking at other women made you this way over time.
    Thats normal and natural.

    I always say these things have no place in marriage

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    • I am seeing this... I think if he paid a compliment from time-to-time, I didn't have to initiate sex all the time it wouldn't bother me.

  • I dont think the porn is the problem here. You, ma'am have a shitty husband. Therapy or leave him id say.

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  • You both are to blame here, I am amazed at how people don't think porn will have a negative effect in their lives... According to a study I read when both parties watch porn and they both know each other then the sexual interaction is great, but then with time porn replaces that sexual interaction when it comes to satisfaction, why? answer is simple, porn distorts the majesty of sex, it changes an act to bond with each other to a recreational activity that satisfy both parties, but satisfaction tends to fade away and with a bond has not been created strongly enough then you get what's happening right now. Get rid of porn, do not tolerate it. You lost the moment you let it into your lives and that's why you both are to blame, not just your husband.

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  • The ogling seems to be the least of your problems. He takes you for granted and treats you like shit.

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    • I will be honest, it has been this way so long for me I don't even know what is normal. I would love to see how other couples interact so I could see what acceptable expectations I should have. When you are watching a tv show that has a nude woman in it, how does your significant other act? Does she say anything at all? How do you act? Do you openly appreciate the nude woman in front of her? Are you wondering how it makes your significant other feel? What's going on in your head?

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    • *human beings

    • Thank u for the advice and thoughts

  • Wow, act your age. Jeeze.

    It's 2018. Times are different

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  • Perhaps it’s time to move on. I wouldn’t wor u about the nudity to me that’s nothing who cares. It’s the names and lack of respect.

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  • I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through! That sounds terrible. Honestly, I think porn is damaging to marriages. It will always give you an impossible bar to live up to. Everyone (men and women) need encouragement and compliments. Spouses have to constantly pursue each other's hearts and protect the marriage against influences that pull each other apart. My wife and I never watch porn - not because I am not tempted to do so - but rather, because it hurts her and it gives me a twisted view of other people. You two need to see a marriage counselor and begin to head in a better direction. Or divorce is right around the corner.

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  • The more you look into it, the worse you perceive it. But your man is being an asshole.

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  • Hmm I think the whole thing is about confidence. When you were younger and it was the first years of your marriage you were ok with that because you've felt confident. His attitude was better those days of course and its effective on your confident. The size of your breasts or watching porns is not the main problem. The problem is how you and your husband be happy and satisfied again. And i guess you can do it by being confident and sexy. Being sexy is not just having a perfect body. You can have a normal body type but dress act and have sex in a confident and sexy style.

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  • Pinch his sides whenever nude parts are visible. Call it conditioning.

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What Girls Said 4

  • Tbh your relationship seems like the issue here. You are insecure and your husband no longer appreciates you. I’d take a break, send him away for a few weeks or so so you guys can seperately work out things and see if you even want to be together.

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    • You know that that NEVER works, right?

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    • @lord_chilled im going to quote ross from friends here: “WE WERE ON A BREAK!”. Personally, I think if you are on a break a drunken night can be forgiven.

      Doesn’t matter what happens, he misses her, it’s an answer. He doesn’t, that’s an answer too.

    • I think ross was full of shit.
      That shit is hurtful.
      Well, i would be hurt, and i think a lot of people would agree.

      Anyway, a relationship is a lifeling committment. Its not something you try out and then take a break from.

  • Seems like you’re putting your insecurities on him. People on the screen he will never meet. I don’t understand the problem with tits and ass beings shown and you feeling uncomfortable about. I think you need to work on whatever insecurity you have. If you love yourself enough none of that would be a problem. It’s also about trustin your partner as well. How do you feel when you see a topless guy or a guys ass on tv?

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    • Honestly I prefer to look at the topless female. I'm just sick of the bias and him not having a dick thrown in his face when he sits down to watch tv. I know it's insecurities. I have come to the conclusion that It likely stems from verbal abuse over the course of many years.

  • I know my SO watches porn, but I've always told him to keep that stuff private. Meaning, I don't want to be around while he's jacking off to some random nude video online specially if I'm there available for sex, like wtf am I here for then? I know its basically fooling myself, but I feel it doesn't throw off my self-esteem since I don't see the type of chicks that get him off.

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  • Exactly how I feel... mines for different reasons though... its insecurities but if they wouldn't look at the time or oogle or anything like that which makes us feel like were inadequate compared to those other women... Its not fair!

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