When a guy asks a girl how many guys she's slept with and she has slept with a lot, should she answer?

[ooohlalala]

For most of my life, I've lived a life that I call standing on the sidelines of love. I've watched my friends, my classmates, and even my younger sister have long meaningful relationships and I always envied them. I had never had a boyfriend. I lost my virginity to a guy who lied and said he liked me just so that he could have sex with me. He treated me horrible, called me names and killed my self esteem. When I got to college, I longed for love in all the wrong ways. I thought the only way to get guys to like me was to be seductive and offer them my body in the hopes that they would want to get to know my mind later. Unfortunately, it never happened that way. I racked up a total of about 30+ sexual partners over the course of my first 3 years in college. I know that what I was doing was wrong. I struggled with my feelings. I beat myself up about it. I tried to move on, say it was my past and claimed to learn from my mistakes. Every once in a while, in a moment of weakness, I'd slip up and have sex and regret it. Now, every time I meet a guy I'm remotely interested in, I ALWAYS get asked the very sensitive and painful question, "How many guys have you had sex with?" I recently met a GREAT guy. He's the FIRST guy who has ever been enthusiastic about taking ME out on an actual date! He took me out to nice upscale restaurants and constantly told me how beautiful I am and how much he likes me. Though we only had our first date, the dreaded question came up as he drove me home. I should've asked my question first before I answered him, because my answer ended in the worst way possible. I told him the truth, ended an amazing night, made plans for a second date. Then, I got a text from him at 4:00 a.m. telling me that he could never be with a girl who had been with that many men. He said he really liked me but just wouldn't be able to get past it. I just don't know what to do. It's like I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't. I wanna go into a relationship being honest. The one boyfriend I did end up having [who I totally settled on and didn't really like all that much] I never cheated on him. I feel pressured whenever people ask that question, My hesitation hints that I may be lying. Then I buckle under the pressure, give a speech about how much I've changed then tell them one of my most painful secrets. I feel terrible because I felt such a connection with this guy. One I've never felt with anyone else. But now, it ended in disaster. He doesn't want me, and now I'm stuck again alone, confused, crying and sad. For future reference just in case any other guy I like comes along, I need to know: WHEN A GUY ASKS A GIRL WHO HAS SLEPT WITH A LOT OF GUYS HOW MANY GUYS SHE'S SLEPT WITH, WHAT SHOULD SHE DO? How should she answer? What should she say? Should she tell the truth and deal with the consequences? Should she lie? What should she do?

[Anonymous]

ok I can relate to you so much. when I was younger I had been sexual abused and molested by my father from age 3 to 18 ( when I left), and raped by the one guy I thought loved me the most, my boyfriend. And physically abused by numerous boyfriends. talk about a lost of self esteem. I searched for comfort and love in men my age, and only got hurt by games, betrayal, and infidelity. My self esteem grew so low that even though I had so much going for myself , I never believed I was worth anything. I would always remember the insults my father would make about me. I too , slept around. I did because for those brief seconds I felt like someone actually cared about me. actually loved me. although I later realized that isn't care or love at all.

i later in life, didn't trust men. they had hurt so badly in the past. I decided that to prevent from being hurt I was going to join their games. I cheated, I lied. at one point I had two boyfriends at the same time. why? because I wanted someone to feel as much pain as I felt daily. it wasn't right. it was really bad.

my advice , is to not concentrate on your past. there are so many women that come from dysfunctional families or who have done horrible things in their lives. you need to concentrate on the future not the past. I recommend that if they ask the question, you point that you are not defined by your past but by what you choose to do or be from here on out. In our lives, the only thing that matter is where you end up, not that paths you take to get there.

[kimberlyinspired]

I got asked that question by my guy, and even though I've haven't had too many guys, but a lot of experience in sex, my guy has had a lot of girls, yet not as much fun as I have. He didn't react too bad either to my answer.

Maybe you were too hasty in telling him (I usually say- No Comment- or Enough to Date You) but you need to talk to him and tell him that you want to be serious with a guy, and you are tired of playing the field, you want to get to know him.

If he is bent on not talking, and not communicating whatsoever, then you must just move on, but be the wiser, and let the guy get to know you before you tell him anything that might make him think less of you. Don't lie, just tell him that you don't want him to get the wrong idea of you, and you are not going to answer.

[nickiedanielle-]

You know, we all go through phases in our life; I can say I've been through an experience similar to yours, so I completely understand what you're feeling; but if this new guy cannot accept you for everything you are (that includes your past)-then he's not such a "great guy" after all. Move on and don't focus so much on love; I know it can be hard, but just focus on yourself, you've been hurt in the past and it takes time to heal. The right guy will come along who won't judge you for the amount of people you've been intimate with, he'll love you for the person you are.

[993099142]

Just wait. Time will heal the wounds. 4 years later you can say "I was really sexually active in college and I slept with 30 guys" but I haven't slept with any guys in the last 30 years, I really regret my past and will not do it again and I think most guys would accept that. So don't worry. keep looking and someone good will come along. In the mean time work on improving yourself and developing your personality. Maybe try to make some female friends (not as good) to have a emotional connection with in stead of goig to guys which is basically taking the easy way out.

[SaoirseS]

I don't answer the question, and in turn I don't ask it of my partner because I don't really care. Neither should he. I think it suffices to answer the "how many partners have you had?" question with "I've been sexually active for (however long). I've learned enough to know how to please you in the bedroom, and enough to know what I like and don't like sexually." That should be enough.

[pwl0lwp]

a lot of guys get hung up on this, especially if the answer is more than they've had or more than they expected.

i think a lot of guys would be more comfortable (at least initially) with something like "there were a couple of guys I saw at college, but nothing serious - how about you?" . it's sort of "deferring" the truth, admittedly, but I don't think you should be expected to bare your soul at the first meeting.

it's kind of a weird first-date question, to be honest - not in very good taste.

i wouldn't beat yourself up over this: it's not something I'd ask until way into the relationship (ie - after we'd had sex ourselves, when things are looked at a little differently).

[mav0502]

honestly I think you did the right thing in telling the truth.we all have a past and if we are proud or not of it there is nothing we can do.if you were a guy and had that many you would be a "stud" so for me I don't see why there is a difference.for me if you answered it, I would be like cool.so what have you learned and what can we do together.i honestly have no problem with it.so if the guy is mature enough and understanding enough and like you for being u.which includes ur past then he will understand.so I think you should stick to the truth.

good luck finding love as it a hard thing to find sometimes.but good people are out there

[ALWAYSclassy]

If you have to answer, just lie. I'm sorry I know honesty is the best policy, but if you've been with 30+ you might wanna shave off a few dozen. I'm not judging you, but a lot of guys will even if it's in the back of their mind. I know I will get a lot of thumbs down for this, but in this case I think it would be easier on you. As long as you're clean and haven't slept with any of his friends, I don't think the number should make a difference.

[chinni]

Well you might have gone bad by telling it but by being honest you did right. The one who wants to love as who you are will be the one who will stay with you. So don't worry about it. You will find your soul mate soon

[kendall16]

You never have to answer, but if you decide to you might as well be honest

[DanHendo]

Nasty

[JennieF]

I gave him an honest answer.

[8string]

next time someone asks immediately start stripping thereby distracting him and diverting his attention.

[Anonymous]

make sure ur clean, and don't tell him. my roomates slept with over 60+ guys and I'm sure after awhile guys would think different of you. although it could be a turn on if ur good in bed, yet guys would prob be more intimidated by you.