I love foreplay but my wife doesn't

My wife and I have been together for almost nine years, married for 2, no kids, no stress at work. We are both almost 30 now. In college, when we met, we had sex like 3 times a day. It tapered off to like 4 or 5 times a week, and then to 2 or 3. That's to be expected. But the last few months its dwindled to almost nothing. Sex has always been amazing between us. It's like our body parts fit together perfectly. 10 years have been plenty of time to perfect what we love to do in bed.

My issue is that she has never really liked foreplay. Weird enough, I love it. I love to be teased and to take our time. I love to give back. I love going down on her and she seems to enjoy it when I do. 7 or 8 times out of 10 she has an orgasm when I give oral. I've just learned to tell and she wouldn't lie. She knows I don't get petty about it. When we do have foreplay, it's all me. I light candles, incense, put on music, give her a 30 minute back rub, kiss her all over, and go down on her, then she will go down on me for like 45 seconds unenthusiastically and go back to the regular routine. Which is of course great sex, but sometimes I can't help but think I got cheated somewhere. I used to be content in just giving, but now it bothers me that she doesn't want to give me any special attention. If I stop doing extra for her she just doesn't seem to care. She is content with efficient sex.

I don't understand how first of all, we can have amazing sex so that we are both laying exhausted on the bed giggling, and she goes on and on about how great it was and she is kissing me all over like worshiping me for our sex romp, but then she is slow anymore to initiate or to want to have sex to begin with. Even though when we do have sex she loves it. Second, she also prefers to skip foreplay, go right for each others fun parts and have the sex. It's like we get into bed naked, get each other ready and do it. It's always good but has become too mechanical. I miss the days of undressing each other, kissing, back rubs, oral, teasing and fun.

More than that, I just need it once in a while. Just like I need sex more than once a week. When I approach her on the subject of foreplay she says she doesn't know and doesn't understand. When I ask about having sex she just says the same and she feels bad and that she knows we should do it more, but we don't. We have had these conversations like literally a hundred times. I always end up feeling guilty like I'm pushing sex on her or something. I believe her that she doesn't understand but it doesn't help me any. I've tried all sorts of things like being spontaneous, romantic, trying new things, etc. All the time. Its fun while it lasts but no lasting effect. I am trying so damn hard here. Everything else about our relationship is great. I'm not looking for much, sex a few times a week, foreplay a few times a month. Please help, what can I do ladies? Any advice would be great.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm similar to your wife in that I like "efficient sex." I prefer quickies rather than 60 minute + marathons. I think it's because I have other, more productive, things to do. I own my own business so every moment I spend away from work, I lose money.

    At any rate, I know what it's like to want to get straight to the point. Afterwards, I feel exhausted in a wonderful way and, more importantly, I feel like I've satisfied my boyfriend so I feel like a "good" girlfriend, like I've done my job. However, I'm usually only willing to invest about 20-30 minutes into it otherwise I get annoyed. Again, because I have other things to do.

    I've always been this way and it has nothing to do with who I'm sleeping with.

    One reason that may play into it that could actually be "fixed" (where the "I have work to do" attitude can't really be fixed) is that as I get more settled into the relationship, I don't feel as sexy as I used to. Sometimes I'll try to dress up and present myself the best way possible, but he barely seems to notice what I look like, he just wants to touch. So, I don't feel pretty or sexy.

    So, the only advice I really have is that if you are not giving her verbal or emotional "foreplay" such as complimenting her, holding her close (clothes on) for a slow dance or some other means to make her feel sexy before the clothes come off, you could try that. She may just be super busy and not feel as attractive as she used to. So she's in a hurry to get it over with.

    I hope that helps!!!

    • My girlfriend has he same mindset as you and the original poster. The problem lies in the fact that sex seems like a job or task when it needs to be efficient, fast what not. The fact that you get annoyed if sex goes too long and that you have better things to do does not make us feel loved and apprecaited but more like a bad job or chore. Just as you need to feel attractive and sexy so do we. When the relationship starts there is still some thrill of the chase, as we settle down the chase dies.

    • Sorry to be direct... Even if you have work to do, you can still bring the heat up, by calling him between tasks or even text him something sexy, or a bolder selfie, whatever... even the phisical distance acts as a boost here...
      the fact you dont feel sexy... its you. I mean you have to want to feel like that for yourself... not for him... and that will be a reflex on how you feel...
      Im sorry to say this, but we need foreplay... and it doesn't have to be before sex or physical... its not about the sexual act or the orgasm... we just want to play tease with you... for the rest of our lives... so why do you stop playing? why dont you try to find that kind of fun again? sometimes it takes 5mnts between the pressure of work... unless you don't really care...
      That usually doesn't end well...

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What Guys Said 2

  • Dude you're lucky to have gotten that far... I've been with my girl a little over 2 years and basically everything we did stopped shortly after I asked her to marry me a year in. I'm torn now between my love for her and the fact that she (bragged like crazy how good her BJ was) has only given me a few fairly unsatisfying BJs, foreplay went from about 20 minutes to "let me get the lube", my trying to pleasure her turned into "I'm going to get ready for bed" (finds her vibrator), and if I'm lucky, we might have sex once a week.

    I have no idea what I can do to get her in a better mood. She says she wants romance and candlelit dinners, massages, and not asking her about it every other day. I try any one of those and she accuses me of pressuring her.

  • Tease her when ypu give her oral, and tell her she has to do you until you're satisified and then you'll take your turn.

    • Does that work for you? If I say anything like that to my girl she would rather get dressed and go watch tv.