Sexual Health
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Having sex with someone while they are sleeping??

My husband and I have been back together for a year since your separation for 6 months. I told him when we got back together that things had to change I wasn't happy the way they were but I love him and wanted to give him a chance. He has put a little more effort into it but not even close to what I expected to get from him. Then he started saying how he didn't want to hold my hand anymore becuase it made his sweaty. Then it was he didn't try to kiss me when we made love. He said it took his spit away and gave him dry mouth! Then last night I took my medication the doc prescribed for me to sleep and went to sleep. He came home I guess around 1 am and I was awoken in my sleep with him behind me going at it. It scared the sh*t out of me. Then he just stopped and got up and went and slept on the couch. Then woke up this morning and just left again. What am I supposed to think from that?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Just so you know --- there was NO consent in this action. This qualifies as abuse/rape. Get out of this relationship.

    The cycle of abuse is a circular pattern most abusive relationships follow:

    1) A honeymoon or seduction phase (some people call it the remorse stage), a state when both partners are happy to be in a relationship, and at a point where the relationship is enjoyable, romantic. This phase can feel like a time when there isn't any abuse, even though it's a key part of abuse, since without it, no one would wind up in an abusive relationship or stay in one: it's the "hook" an abusive person relies on to get their partner and keep their partner sticking around.

    2) The tension phase, when the couple is getting into small arguments, and the abuser becomes frustrated with their partner. Even if an abused partner tries very hard not to do things they know will lead to attacks, an abuser will usually find, during this phase, things which will eventually result in the next phase.

    3) The last stage is the abuse phase, or the explosion phase, where one specific incident leads to an explosion of anger, in the form of physical, sexual, verbal or other attacks.

    4) The abuser then quickly defaults into the honeymoon or seduction phase to make up for their behavior. They will probably apologize at this time, may give gifts or be very romantic, and even though they may also still tell the abused person the explosion was that person's fault, not their own, they will generally try and be as nice as they can, and try and gain the sympathy of the person they are abusing.

    • I agree with what you say. He has always been like that he will act sweet and caring and then just stop and do whatever he wants until I get so upset that I say I am leaving then he goes right back to being sweet and caring again. that is what kills me.

    • OK, great. First step is realizing/accepting. You need to leave this relationship. I hope that you do. Good luck.

    • So agree. No you need to leave him, for good.

  • Wow. What lame excuses he has for not wanting to hold hands or kiss. That is a big part of a relationship. I kind of know how you feel though. My boyfriend and I use to touch all the time and he use to take the time to make me feel good and that does not really happen anymore. He wants to just hurry up and no foreplay. I would be pretty upset if I woke up to him having sex with me. Where is the connection? Does he even care how you feel? I would be having a serious talk with him and ask him why he did that.

  • I think he hasn't gotten over the separation, even though you guys got back together. He's getting revenge. I think his male ego pride is bruised still do to the separation. It's usually not a good thing to get back with someone once you've broken up, its going to continue into a cycle. It seems he's using you sexually, and not emotionally. I would say get counseling together, or break up and stay broken up.

Most Helpful Guys

  • He probably has feelings of guilt. He may have done something really bad and can't look you in the eye. It may also be that he doesn't want to feel rejected sexually by you. He is probably trying to connect in some way, but fears rejection. It would be easier to just satisfy himself, but he seems to want to have a bond with you. There's nothing worse for a husband to feel than that his wife does not desire him sexually. A sleeping wife is far less threatening, and less likely to make him feel rejected or remind him of his failure as a husband to make her happy.

    I disagree with the idea that he's necessarily an abusive rapist. I hate to say it, but many of the responses devalue the true horror of rape. A husband who stopped at his wife's request is not a rapist, nor does he need to be locked away and stigmatized for life. He's not a dangerous man, just feeling guilty or hurt. This is not a do-it-yourself repair. You need to see a professional couples therapist. You already said that old patterns of behavior were coming back. A 6 month separation indicates that the emotional bond has been compromised in a major way. Hand holding and kissing are almost impossible when there's a severed bond. My wife continued to sleep with me after cheating, but couldn't kiss me anymore.

  • He has a lot of personal issues he needs to deal with. You are putting in the effort and not getting it back. It's a 2 way street. You love him, he needs help, you can support him but he needs a little therapy. You need to confront him why he is acting so weird. I mean weird to you... Tell him how you are feeling. It sounds like some pretty scary stuff, take it lightly but try and ask him what he is feeling and such. Let him know how you feel about everything. Kissing you while making love gives you dry mouth but it makes me feel ________. If situation continues to get worse and he won't open up I think you made the right choice before with separation. It sounds like he is really down and doesn't love him self...Depression 101

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • That is not okay. You need to talk to him about this and it truly sounds like the two of you shouldn't be together! If someone was having sex with me in my sleep, I would feel like it was equal to rape

  • Aside: if I might talk the reverse scenario, (unless sick) I would love to wake & discover her sucking or riding me from soft to hard, then boom, back to soft, then to sleep again.

    Your situation can be judged & termed many things by those having various tastes. It's what you judge it that matters. Obviously he is failing to live up to your ideals, yet you love some of his other qualities. If you can't live with these failings, you can't enjoy his good qualities. Sex seems to be more natural to him than to you BUT love manners come more natural to you than to him.

    If you can't live with these transgressions then you are on the hunt again for someone talented in both skills, love & sex. What were the results of your last hunt? This guy? Others?

  • Wow I am not sure I would put up with that. Not that he was having sex with you because for me that would turn me on but the way he acted didn't say anything etc... I would talk to him. How long have you been married? I would wonder if he is cheating.

    • I think he just got drunk & horny ...

  • This is f***ing disgusting... it's rape!

  • Run, don't walk, away from this relationship...

  • thats really f***ed up...your sex life is in the crapper get some sexy clothes and get to it

  • Maybe he had a rough day

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