Advice about sex? Someone to tell me something that I'm not seeing.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a month. And now my problem is sex. Some of you reading are probably going “WHAT A MONTH AND YOU’RE THINKING OF SEX?!” and some of you are like “What….? You haven’t had sex yet?” My friends, most of them aren’t even virgins. I still am. My one friend, who has at least 10 sex partners since spring break and might I say, you can label her as a whore by now… she thinks of sex as, “no big deal. Losing my virginity wasn’t a big deal. I don’t get why people make a big fuss over it?” My best friend (who is like my sister) has gone to let’s say 3rd base. And her and I share similar views on sex but it seems she acts like a know-it-all with sex and I don't know hard to explain. For me, my boyfriend and I, we’ve talked about sex. Through texting and in person. He tells me “sex isn’t a big deal to me. I'm in this relationship not because of sex. I could care less whether we have it or not. I'm not saying I don’t want it at all, of course I wouldn’t care if we did, but it doesn’t matter. I’m ready whenever you are ready.” And him saying that makes me feel okay to myself. Calm. Not pressured. With my friends, they always talk about when they’ve had sex, say how it’s no big deal. And with my best friend, with her boyfriend, she’s went that far and it almost feels like a race. Hard to explain. My boyfriend and I the farthest we’ve done was make out and had me shirtless (bra too). Even then I was freaking out. When we were over at his house on his bed, doing whatever lol, he went to try to undo my shorts, and he looked at me as if to see if I was OK with it and I shook my head no and moved his hand off my short’s button. He didn’t get mad or offended or whatever he seemed okay and came back up to just kissing me. He will do that, almost like testing me if I’m okay with it but when I tell him no, he stops. I know he tells me sex isn’t important but when it comes down to it, I know he’s ready to go. I can tell to myself now, I’m not ready for sex. But I feel pressured by my friends that I should be having sex now. Anyone who finds out I’m a virgin will say “WHAT? You’re still a virgin?!” and it puts me down into thinking “maybe I shouldn’t be” I have the desire to want to have sex with him, who knows it’s just my hormones, but when it comes down to being on a bed with him I start to get nervous and scared. I’m scared that I won’t know what to do, my body won’t be what he’s looking for, or something’s going to happen that’s going to be extremely embarrassing and we won't be able to look at each other the same way. A girl I know, which is still in my head of her saying “if you don’t give him what he wants, he’ll just go else where for it” and that always stays in my head. This whole sex thing stresses me out. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I lead myself to believe “sex isn’t a big deal. Losing your virginity isn’t THAT big of a deal. You’re going to e
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You're going to have sex eventually. But then I think I'm just lying to myself to feel it is okay. I really don't know what to do. I'm just nervous, scared and unsure. Advice? :(
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Most Helpful Girls

  • The fact that your boyfriend listens to you when you say no, is the single most important thing for any relationship, whether it is sexual or not. That means he really cares about you and respects you. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my most recent ex boyfriend (we were together for 3 years and split up for other reasons), and I honestly think that when we did end up having sex eventually that it made it so much better. I was nervous but excited, but mostly excited because it was on my terms and when I felt ready. And that made me more comfortable than I ever thought I would've been with a guy.
    I don't know if your boyfriend "testing" you with the shorts made you uncomfortable or not, but my ex did the same thing too. Because my ex ALWAYS listened to me, I trusted him. And eventually when I became more comfortable, the fact that he would "test" me to check if I was ready made it so much easier for me because I never had to say "I want to do this" to something (not that saying it would be a deal breaker, but for the first time doing something new, I felt awkward announcing it haha). He would test, check in with me, I wouldn't stop him, and everything went smoothly from there.
    I had similar worries about my body and whether he would be attracted to me or not. But we took things slowly and even things like taking a nap together made me more comfortable with him and intimacy in general. There's nothing quite like falling asleep in each others arms, among the snoring, sweating, and other sleep related things hahah. I was also worried about knowing what to do in bed and that kind of thing, but what made it easier was knowing that we were both new at this and would figure it out together. And it sounds dumb, but it kinda just seemed to come naturally to us.

    I would say the three main rules that are true with any relationship in general and including sexual relationships are as follows:
    1) If he doesn't wait until you're ready, then he's not the right guy.
    2) There's no right or wrong way to have sex, people just develop preferences over time when they start to realize what they enjoy a little more than other things.
    3) Never do something that you don't want to do.
    They sound cheesy, but it really is true

    • Couldn’t agree more I think if a guy respects you enough he’ll wait until you’re ready and I’m in the same as eagle I can’t wait to finally killed my virginity when I want to not because somebody forced me forced me so I don’t Kaunas is my first time I want that with my current boyfriend who I love and who loves me so much

  • Yeah what she said haha. Sorry I'm really just here for the answers. I asked my friend this today actually because she knows I'm losing my consensual virginity this coming week with a close friend. Her advice was "push like your peeling and make sure you have before you get into the bedroom so you don't actually per on him. Breathe and remember to speak up if you change your mind at any point cuz he might get in the groove and not notice a sudden subtle shift of dear or disinterest. Trust that your body knows what to do. Breathe. Relax. Play music that calms you and that makes the silence less loud. And lube. Lots and lots of lube. Never be embarrassed about needing lube." So I asked about guys being judgy about being too fat and she laughed at me and said she'd call her husband to ask. He actually did pick up and took the topic extremely seriously. He said that from the ment a guy meets a girl he thinks is cute he can't help but mentally undressing her and that the guys are more inclined to spacial intelligence so of a guy is willing to fuck he already has a pretty accurate idea of how your body looks naked. So you never have to worry about him no longer being attracted to you once the clothes come off." Hope this helps. It helped me for like a minute and though I'm less stressed I'm clearly looking for more answers, so.. I guess you and I both just need to work on generally being less anxious people as a whole. That's probably the thing that will help the most.

    • Wow that just sounds terrible unromantic and impersonal. You will regret it if you are doing this just because you want to get it over it. Losing your virginity IS A BIG DEAL! ITs your body and you should see yourself as a gift to be worship loved and honored. It should be romantic and with a person you love trust and respect as much as he does for you. I'm 30 plus and lost my vir past my 20s I can tell you it hurt and I was sore for a week. If done wrong you can have vaginal taring. It needs to be done slow and by a man who understands what he is doing. BY the way your muscles have to be relaxed DONT PUSH! Another thing to consider true story here. My friend lost hers loosely and she was willing but when she felt the pain and asked the man wait and to be still... She was not saying stop yet... He replied "no you gave me consent" then he continued... she said It burned felt like ripping and then she asked him to stop but he wouldn't for over 10 mins she suffered with him doing what he wanted and then he began to stimulate her clit eventually forcing an orgasm. It confused her. The memory still bothers her 14 years later. It was rape but because she orgasmed despite the pain she second guesses it and feels guilty because she "got off" she calls the worst sexual experience ever. Honestly if it's just because you want to be deflowered and not because you care for the person then go do it yourself. Buy a realistic male replacement toy and carefully at your own pace take your on virginity. You don't have to do it all at once either. You can take a few days. When I was younger I made a pack with myself if I couldn't find someone worthy of my virginity by 24 Then I would take it myself. I been blessed to find true love twice. My first passed tragically and my second is now my spouse.

  • I was 18 when I lost my verginity... And man, oh man do I wish I'd kept it. Since then, sex has become more of a fun activity than an intimacy thing for me and that's is, in my opinion, SAD.
    My boyfriend now wanted to wait... and I hadn't had that kind of suggestion come out of a significant other before and I was so happy when he said it... you know why? It's because he cares enough to stick around and enjoy your company without his needs being fulfilled. Men are naturally entitled... Or so I've begun to think with my past experiences with men. But your boyfriend tells you it's okay, doesn't get mad when you stop him and still kisses you after you tell him to not go to third base... That's really something. It means that he's in it for more than just sex and that's something you should charish. You shouldn't rush. He should definitely not rush you. There will come a day when you feel comfortable enough to open yourself up to him in that way. Till that, I suggest you wait. You will be fine without it. And he will be also.

  • Im in almost the same place!

    Im still a virgin and mosta my friends are not, I also feel pressured into sex but I know I'm ready to do it now and my boyfriend has waited 4 months for it and will wait a lot longer but I want to do it so I say I won't be a virgin at the end of the week if things go to plan!

    As for you you are no where near ready! You really should wait until your ready and with him longer! A month isn't very long, and I'm assuming you in your teens? It doeant matter what your friends think! Or say your not going to let them lead your life for you! And you'll probs regret it afterward. Have you got birth control sorted? You need to think this out really carefully, don't rush into it if he doesn't want to wait then he's not worthy enough to take your virginity! I hope this helped xo

    • Just wait for yourself to be ready

Most Helpful Guys

  • Hi, I'm Roel, a boy almost 20 years old.
    I wish I had a perfect English, so to tell you all I have in my mind...
    But I'll do my best to tell you why you should wait, and that is also why I've also decided to wait...

    Some LIES about Sex:

    Lie #1: Sex is no big deal.
    Wrong! Sex is a huge deal. It ties two people together forever even if they never speak to each other again. You can't escape the Memories of sharing the most intimate act of all.

    Lie #2: Sex equals love.
    It's true, at least for many, that sex equals an emotional tie of some sort—one that might seem like love.
    Many treat sex as more of a physical thing than an emotional one. Sex is meant to be the ultimate expression of the ultimate commitment, marriage. Love comes first, marriage second, sex third.

    Lie #3: Everybody's doing it.
    So not true. In every school, every town, every state there are plenty of cool, happy people (me :p ) who have chosen to follow God's plan and save sex for marriage. And they're also saving themselves all kinds of heartache.

    And yes, I'm actually a Christian.
    But more than 3 years ago, I didn't know who God is and what does he say about sex, and even then I thought about sex the same way that I do now...

    So, this is how I see sex, like an intimate act that I would like to experience when I'm ready and mature, knowing what I'm doing, and also most important, I want to do it only with the one (and the only one) that I will always LOVE...
    ---------
    This is all I have to say about this and I hope that it will help you to decide what you will do for yourself!
    I wish you all the best and I hope you will be always happy in your life. :D

    • Uhh.. you heard it here first folks, he’s a Christian lol irrelevant info is irrelevant

    • haha you're a fag

    • Hey brother, I see a lot of BOYS talking shit to you about this and YOUR BELIEF, MORALES AND FAITH. Dont listen to them bro. You say you are Christian. Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed what reason? Stay strong in your belief son. Never falter

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  • You will know when you are ready, don't let peer preasure tell you what to do, you are a big girl. Do not stress over whether or not you are good enough for your guy, you are beautiful and he thinks the same. Do not worry about what to do, there is lots of time to learn, I am still learning, sex is so multifaceted. Be patient with yourself and your guy... enjoy the wonderment of your sexuality.

    Everyone has something about their body they wish they could change.
    I get it.
    But ripping yourself apart isn't the best use of your time.

    • I was literally about to say the same thing! Your so right!

    • You should get into a routine where you tell him what you want to do and what you want them to do and experiment with your sexuality and expression and give your self to the right person for the job who is ok with teaching and being patient with you while you explore sex and what you enjoy. if you have any questions please feel free to contact me

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  • Losing your virginity
    IS A BIG DEAL!
    Sounds to me you need new friends!
    ITs your body and you should see yourself as a gift to be worship loved respected and honored.
    It should be romantic and with a person you love trust and respect as much as he does for you.
    I'm 30 plus and lost my vir past my 20s
    I can tell you it hurt and I was sore for a week.
    If done wrong you can have vaginal taring. It needs to be done slow and by a man who understands what he is doing and who respects you and cherish you.
    LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY SHOULD BE
    ONE OF YOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL MEMORIESBecause believe me that's one event you WILL NEVER FORGET!
    SO MAKE IT COUNT!
    As for your current boyfriend he seems respectful for now.
    Another thing men say what they mean... If he says he doesn't care and can wait... Then he means it.
    It is your own insecurities that are making you think he is in a rush.
    You need to slow down and though you may not realize this you might be accidentally putting pressure on him... What if he is really not ready but you keep mentioning it... It may be conflicting to him.
    You are not mentally or emotionally ready to have sex yet. The time will come when you are but right now isn't the time.
    Don't stress your relationship. It's new and should lovely and peaceful.
    Relax
    maybe you are just lucky and actually found yourself a gentleman.
    Gentlemen unlike mermaids or unicorns really do exist. Gentlemen are like 4 leaves clovers they are hard to find but they are out there.

    I have a gentleman and even when he knew I wasn't willing to go all the way in the beginning he still wanted to remove my pants but not for sex (he knew that was off limits) but to see me and touch me. Regardless I did the same as you and I said no. My clothes remained on for a long while. We laugh at it now SIX YEARS LATER. His exact words and retelling of the story are
    "For months I would leave your apartment just before dawn with a kiss and a hug and a huge pair of blue balls but I left happy and looked forward to coming back. I loved anything you were willing to give me and shortly after I was in love. It was slow at first but I wouldn't change it for the world! You were worth waiting for."
    He swears this and his story never changes. He respected me more because I respected myself. About 4 months in I knew I loved him and I was ready. Now he's my husband.

    Ps... I knew him for 3 years and was friends with him before we ever dated.

    OH and get yourself some better friends who respect your feelings. Real friends uplift you and do not put your through a peer pressure trip.

  • Sex is beautiful when you are with someone you love. Especially for a virgin, that is the way to lose it. But you control the when and who. Your friend's advice is not inaccurate, but not true of everyone. They need to back off, and you need to be confident in yourself. I think it is great you have not caved to any pressure to have sex. You are smart. But one day you will want to take that step. The unknown is always scary, and exciting, but still scary. People have been losing their virginity since mankind first existed - AND SURVIVED! :)

    • Really well said, Mam. 👌

    • @nopnop - thank you! :)

  • Many woman and man are impotent and hide it by talking a lot about sex. To people with a normal sex drive talk not much about it because they have nothing to hide.

  • Don’t stress about it you will know when its time to do it you are in a healthy relationship don’t let it change by the thoughts of others don’t let them affect your mind its your private life you decide if it’s going to last or not you decide if you want to kiss him or not and you decide if you wnat sex or not

  • Right penis size.

    • 22 cm

    • What?

  • It's perfectly fine to be nervous, and not sure about how far you want to go.

    You're friends kid you, but don't let it bother you.

    Sex is for when both people are ready and happy to be there. Take all the time you need.

    Isn't all this tension a bit exciting though?

    I say, before you have sex, get on contraception, learn about how the hymen really works (not like you think it does, I'm sure), have a base set of STD test done - yes there are STDs you can have even as a virgin. Do like some serious adulting to prepare yourself. Then think about if you feel ready yet.

  • Sounds like you aren’t ready yet, hun. No shame in that. Sounds like you’ve found an amazing understanding guy (he sounds like a keeper!)

    Go with your gut. You have to go with what’s comfortable to you. Take it slow and stay in touch with what’s ok to you.

    I’m not sure how old you are. I lost my virginity at 18 when I was with my boyf (now husband) for 3 months. It just felt right. Some people wait years. You have to do what’s right for your relationship. Good for you for reaching out.

  • My advice is please wait till your ready regardless of who pressures you. if your man does then leave him. Your not right for him if your not ready and he pushes you.

  • So personally I didn't lose my virginity until wayyyyy after high school, it's not that I didn't have the opportunity or was scared of what would happen, it was more of a moral internal dilemma for myself but when it finally happened I thought it wasn't all that it's talked up to be and was able to become very comofortable sexually with myself really fast the reason why I think this was is because I chose to wait until I was fully ready and just wanted to essentially do it and get it over with, moral of the story don't let your friends opinions or actions pressure you into something you're not ready to do, when the time is right, you'll know.

  • You only get to give it once, choose wisely. Your sex life really isn't your friend's business and i wouldn't be shy about telling them that. Dont let their regrets guide your decisions. Jealousy can take many forms. And, yes your boyfriend sounds caring and patient but Boyfriends will tell you all kinds of things to get down your pants. Only you know when you're ready. Thats my two cents, for whatever its worth.

  • Well firstly don't be nervous when u laying in bed together. You should be comfortable around your partner i also use to be Uneasy around my ex but now with my boyfriend because I know he will never judge me and he respects me I've done a hole lot of things I'd never think of doing with him. Playing around with each other is not a bad thing. Your partner sounds like he has some experience so that's fine he will understand that u have never done anything before so he can like teach you. All you need to do if trust him because he won't hurt you... Next time let him open ur pants and let him play you just need to say calm and calmenjoy the feeling. Like I said there's nothing wrong with playing

    • If the girl does that, she better put out. Don't let him touch it unless you are going to give him a way to climax. There is only so much a guy can take. The guy sounds like a virgin or much older than you, otherwise, he'd have lost patience.

  • Have sex on your terms. If you're not ready then don't do it. However, if your man is ready to go, and your not proactively trying to get comfortable with the idea of sex then you might not have a boyfriend much longer. The way I see it is, stress and pressure is inevitable when it comes to going deeper in a relationship. It's a mechanism that tells us that we need to change and grow. However, that doesn't mean you have to take action without calculation and rational thought.

  • I feel your pain. I felt exactly the same as you did before.
    Your boyfriend sounds really nice as he is not pressuring you to do anything you don't want. And you shouldn't do it unless you are ready!
    My first time was just a week ago and I was freaking out so badly and I don't really remember a lot about it because I think I was so nervous and afterwards I cried but not because I didn't like it but because of the feeling that I came over my fear.
    It feels very hard before you actually do it. For awhile, I was also stuck with not touching below my waist. And I was so scared. But somehow, I found the part of me that trusted him and let him do it. Even tho, many times before that I told him to stop.
    It's all about finding the person you can trust and who won't pressure you. You just need to go slowly, step by step. Do not hurry! There's no rush.
    Maybe next time you can try just taking off your pants but that he won't touch you there at all. Babysteps!

  • It sounds like you aren’t ready to do it or are afraid of what will happen during it.
    You should wait until you are ready to do it both physically and mentally. If you haven’t already you can do things by yourself that will help you be more ready for the “main event” when it happens. If you aren’t into doing that either then no problem.
    Sex should never be stressful. I’m sure after the first few times you will be less worried about it and it will be more fun.

  • I lost my virginity when I was 15 and then had sex with someone else when I was 15. They were both boys I knew very well one was my best friend who I’d known for 11 years and the other among boyfriend who I’d known for 2. I don’t regret either one but I did once regret them both. I think it’s good to not be in a rush. I’m 19 and haven’t had sex sense.

    Society has made sex really hard for us women because we have so many anxieties about it that takes away from the pleasure. Take your time. Do what you want to when you want to.

  • Don't let anybody pressure you into having sex. There is nothing at all wrong with being a virgin. Just because other girls jumped into sex, doesn't mean you have to, and it doesn't mean that works for you. Take your time. If the get too pushy for you to have sex, tell them firmly, to back off, that you will know when it's right for you, and it's your choice.

  • Don't do it unless you're ready serious..not being a virginty is overated! I would wait til like the time is right so at least everything will be perfect and it will be a memory you cherish rather than being haunted by and it and regret it! Trust me so many girls wish they had waited even though they might not say it! Its normally to be scared quite a few of my friends cried the first time ha ha and if you're not relaxed it will hurt like hell!

  • Gurl just go for it. Afterwards you feel a lot different and better. When you have sex with him is like you connect and afterwards it feels awesome. I’m telling I lost mine when I was 15 and I don’t regret it at all. Just go for and another is that he will like what he sees for sure he will. My friend is totally flat and barely has a womanly shape and all these guys still for her. I don’t know why that’s just how it is and yes at first you don’t know what to do but it’s okay. We are all natural at that so no worries the first time is the first time so it doesn’t matter but what comes after that is way better honey and your virginity is in your head as well. You decide who you give it to. Jus make it good. I’m telling he will make you feel good. He cares for you. If he stops when you tell him and he stops it means he really cares so just go for it. But wear a condom if you don’t want to get pregnant.

    • yeah listen to the slutty 16 year old for advice about sex IM SURE THAT'LL PAN OUT!!! Oh you lost it at 15 and you don't regret it yet? YOU DONT KNOW SHIT KID!!! I hope you live to a ripe old age so you can reflect on what an idiot you were. I don't even know why I'm bothering trying to berate you, you need a father, a real one, and clearly that's the reason for the slutpocalypse.

    • @Bluedream13 You're correct aren't you? Somehow you knew I was fatherless. I still don't see why some people put so much crap over that, it is her choice and either way she might lose it sooner or later anyway, after that will she be a slut? So I guess anybody who loses their virginity is being slut. Of course. Why regret it if it's done, not like your words will give it back will it? Just by that comment you speak good about yourself. I'll probably live to a very long time and guess what I won't regret it. You know why? Cuz I made that decision and I enjoyed it. As if I didn't choose what I did. Thanks for your opinion anyway, your prolly some perv anyway. Fuck yourself somewhere else. I can't believe there's still minds like yours out there, judging others as soon as that. By the way how many people do you have to sleep with before being slut? Fucking Asshole trying to tell me what I am, Dumbass.

    • Look girl I just pointed out ur too young to give this kind of advice, ur brain is flooded with hormones and you will think differently about this at age 30, I promise you that. Calling me a perv doesn't change the facts. If you have sex as a woman without first recieving comittment in exchange then you are a slut and you do not respect yourself. Im sorry u dont have a smart man like me looking out for you, regret can be healthy it keeps u from making the same mistake twice. Just because something feels good doesn't mean it is good

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  • First of all, you have an amazing boyfriend. Second, sex isn't that great, the foreplay is the best part

  • I was 14 when i lost my virginity. You'll have your time. Don't get peered pressured either.

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