Sexual Health
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PLEASE HELP! I got my girlfriend pregnant - how can I stop her from getting an abortion?

It really was a mistake. The condom broke and now she's pregnant. She wants an abortion but I don't want her to. I'm willing to be a father or put the baby up for adoption. She just refuses. I really need help with this. I believe it will ruin both of our lives if she goes through with this.
Updates:
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link
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Please take a look at those and note the anger and bickering
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Thank you for not doing that.
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This has reached terminal size. I must end the discussion now. This has been a social experiment. My desire was to show that people who are together trying to HELP somebody else, will have a more meaningful discussion. A well as a feeling of camaraderie
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Instead of an antagonistic attitude. Did you feel the difference? I was genuinely touched by the outpouring of sympathy. I was not trying to make a point about abortion. I have my own views which may or may not mirror the person described in the question
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The difference here was that your desire was not to convince the world. Or to shout down all the stupid people who disagree with you. It was to help someone in need. And that's beautiful. I apologize to anyone who is offended by my duplicity it was all in
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good faith. I constructed a dossier on the fictional subject of the question. Including his age, employment, hobbies. I created a real person. And then went into character referring to my document to insure that I did not contradict myself. This person
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does not exist. He is purely my invention. I would appreciate any comments on my method, story, or anything else related to this thread. If you are pissed off at me feel free to vent. I anticipated at least a little anger which is why I am anonymous.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • I'm so sorry that you're in this position. I've been there and I know that it is just terrifying and awful and I really do feel for you. As far as convincing her not to get an abortion, all you can do is talk to her. I read your comments below and I suspect that if she has not made an appointment yet that her mind is not made up. A girl who has truly decided that she does not want the baby will make the appointment asap, and then beg to be put on the clinic's waiting list in case another appointment opens up. So if you want her to keep it this is good news for you. But you must understand that, ultimately, it is her decision. And pregnancy is a really, really big deal. I admit that I didn't realize how big a deal it was until I was pregnant myself. Even though I never got to a point where I was really showing (I ultimately terminated-no regrets)it really REALLY interferes with your life. My pregnancy was only 6 weeks along when I terminated, but even in that little time I was throwing up upwards of 20 times a day. I couldn't get out of bed and had to miss more than 2 weeks of work (again, and this was just in 6 of the 38 wks of a full term pregnancy). I eventually had to be hospitalized because I was so extremely dehydrated from not being able to keep anything down. I also lost about 10 lbs. I can honestly say that I've never felt worse in my life, and I've had 6 surgeries on my spinal cord about a year before becoming pregnant. Now, I realize that this is not the experience all women have, but I just want to make sure that you understand from a woman's point of view how invasive having a pregnancy is. It's not just your social life, your finances, your education or your career that you're putting on the line; it's your physical health and well being as well. Also, take into account that if she is on any medications she will likely need to stop taking those or risk damaging the baby. If she has a pregnancy migraine (which can last for days) she may not be able to take anything to make it better. I realize that I may sound like I'm trying to convince you not to keep it. I'm not. Because despite everything I know that someday, when I'm ready, I would still like to be a mother. However, I just want you to be sensitive to what she will be going through. The worst things some of my adamantly prolife friends said to me were things to the extent of "I don't see what the big deal is? I don't see why you can't just have the baby and then give it over? What's the big deal?" This made me so mad and, admittedly, my relationship with them hasn't been the same since. For them to tell me during the biggest crisis of my life, when I had confided in them, that *they* didn't consider it a big deal for me to turn my body into a human incubator for the next 9 mo., meant to me that they cared more about their ideology than they did their friend. My advise to you would just to be sensitive to what this means for her. Let her know that you'll support her no matter what

    • another thing to consider: does she have health insurance? Between the two of you, will you be able to provide health insurance for the baby once it arrives? If you end up deciding to go through with the pregnancy, this is the first thing you should address.

  • I have to admit I feel a bit annoyed about this. Not angry per se just annoyed and a little... betrayed? When I answered your question I shared with you one of the most difficult, most personal experiences I've ever been through. I did so because I believed you and/or your girlfriend were going through something similar. Even though this was very personal for me and in some ways difficult to share, I chose not to answer anonymously because I thought you might want to talk to someone who's been through it. If I had realized that you weren't in this situation I would have certainly made myself anonymous as I realize that there are many people on here who will disagree (rather vehemently) with my choice. Anyways, I know that you didn't necessarily expect to get my kind of response, but you never know, and I just wanted to advise you to maybe be a bit more conscientious with your methodology next time.

    Also, may I ask what this experiment is for? You suggested that initially it was supposed to be for a class, which has me a bit concerned because academic studies usually have fairly rigorous standards of informed consent. If it's just for your own personal knowledge, that makes more sense to me. However, like I said, I don't recommend repeating this kind of methodology because it can potentially be very damaging to those whose responses you elicit. Like I said, I understand that you were just trying to prove a point and probably didn't understand the depth of how much being deceived in something like this can hurt, but it really, really can-especially when talking about a subject as personal as this. Please, just be careful with others' feelings.

    • 1. I did expect your type of response. What I didn't expect was people not being Anon. But that is moot. You made the choice to answer for which I thank you. But at the same time you chose. 2. It was not for a class. The character was. The becoming him was not. I wasn't trying to find anything out. I was trying to show how not bickering is more constructive than doing so. Your answer was the key. I was waiting for that. If you notice I revealed my intentions right after your answer was posted

    • I'm sorry that you had to be the one to take that blow. But keep in mind. This site is anonymous doubly so not only do you not have my tag but you don't have what's under my tag. you are safe. Also the point of this experiment was just what you mentioned. No one, will ridicule or flame you for saying what happened to you and what you learned from it. You didn't try to propaganda me into something. You just told me what was what. And if they do. Tell me. I will do everything in my power to help.

    • 3. you were trying to help me. So think of the person who reads this thread. Who needed help. Save one life, Save a thousand. I was just the catalist Finally I do know what it is like to be betrayed. I won't tell you how. (too long) but I have been betrayed by my best "friends" twice. The second time I almost landed in JuVee. As a token of my sympathy and as an apology to any who were offended I have changed this question from being annon.

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  • Have her look at the long term effects abortion can cause. Think about the long term effects you two will have if she decides to have the baby. Accidents happen. If you two aren't ready for it, definitely discuss adoption. I have a couple of friends who can't have kids and are considering adoption.These people are they type to love the kids more than some people who are able to have kids because they appreciate something that they can't create more than others. I haven't read anyone's comments but if they are putting you down, don't take it to heart. At least you were using protection and it happens to a lot of people, not just you guys. In certain states, there are laws that the father also has a voice and choice in the matter. Check into that. At least you know your options and are concerned. I have tow kids and am so glad I kept them. They are my life and wouldn't trade them for the world! If you want to talk more, just message me on here. You asked a simple question and shouldn't be judged for it. :)

    • Please read the updates

Most Helpful Guys

  • It won't likely ruin your lives, although you may regret the abortion in the future.

    One of the risks of having sex is the possibility of getting pregnant, even with protection. Ideally, you should agree ahead of time how you would handle that and only have sex if you agree on what you would do. Of course, virtually nobody does that.

    It is her body and she gets to make the decisions. Respect hers and support her in her decision. You must be fertile so can probably have as many children as you want in the future. Still, you'll always wonder what would have happened to this one without the abortion.

    Few people WANT an abortion, but for some people it may be the best solution given the circumstances. In our legal system, the woman gets to decide.

    • Very true. Especially that last part.

  • Dont man

    Jumping into this will f*** your life up. I don't have the energy to explain but if you're asking help about this then you ARE NOT ready to be a dad. Sorry mate. And nothing wrong with an abortion if its way early. Else you can give the child away.

    Its her choice too mate.

    • Nice hat =)

    • Thanks man. I'm a chef. International clients paid me to wear it and come out and serve some of the VIP's

    • International clients. AHHHHH. Well I can dream. Maybe someday

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  • well if you feel that strongly about it you need to sit her down for a talk. explain to her that even though it was a mistake, the baby is still a part of you, and you at least have a right to voice your opinion. you have to be gentle but firm and tell her how you're feeling. if you really think its going to hurt the both of you more than an adoption or keeping it, then you have to let her know. maybe by making her realize that you want to be there for her and help her raise it, or be there when she has it and gives it to a more needing family, shell understand. honesty is the key here, and she needs to know how strongly you feel about considering other options. abortions can be very scarring, especially for the mother, who often has feelings of regret, and possible depression later on. you have to realize though that ultimately, its her decision. if she feels that its right, and she can deal with the consequences, then you have to move on and support her.

  • Hahaha, smart one dude... you should write this into your story section or something... Or link it in a stroy... So that it's there for all to see that it is not necessary to be rude or to try and force your beleifs apon others...

    I for one am not angry, in fact I'm impressed at how far you went to plan this... O_O haha, you'd make a good fiction writer one day with THOSE character-creation skills XD

    • Thanks. That is very kind of you. That is my ambition. Actually I started this dude as an exercise in class. And then I thought "Hey I could really do something with this. =)

  • You think an abortion will ruin your lives? MAYBE. But an adoption WILL ruin hers. Always wondering where the child is, the guilt of knowing that there is a child out there without its real parents... And that that child is HERS. Not to mention the emotional agony of handing over your newborn baby to a complete stranger...

    • I see that.

    • Lol, just re-reading my comment... I hope I didn't sound too harsh or rude or anything?

    • I prefer people to be blunt. I don't care if you're polite if I need harsh truth. The truth is harsh. That's why we love it.

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  • if someone does not want to raise a child it is probably a good idea not to force them to keep it.

    • why does nobody read the updates

    • Maybe because you chose to create such a strong subject that the updates are basically cancelled out. :) lol

    • You sure have a lot of free time on your hands to just come up with stories and pretend you need advice, so people would learn a lesson? :S...good thing my answer was short, I'd be a bit irritated since I put a lot of effort into my answers usually. This was a no brainer since I am a woman, and I do believe I have a right to chose if I am ready to have a child or not, since I will be caring the child. I don't agree with multiple abortions, we have resources for couples to use protections.

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  • just open up to her and explain how you feel towards this and have her do the same... you may be able to decide something together.

  • You know peoples... It doesn't really matter which way they decide to go. The grass is always greener on the other side.

    If she has an abortion she will of course think about what it would be like if she had the child develop and grow. And her life as a mother.

    If she does NOT have an abortion she will have a child and as soon as she realizes she will never have a good night's sleep again, or that her money is consumed instantly... she will start thinking about the opposite. No matter how much she loves her child.

    I am not going to say the guy who is asking is RIGHT or WRONG. He has an opinion. But they as a couple are too divided to be parents. You can fantasize and hope that when the child is born magically his mind changes and he falls in love with the child, but the arguments will never stop.

    I really think this relationship will end in divorce.

    Sorry. You are both too divided.

  • Show her that she can trust you and the decision that you want her to make. If you're unstable or under-prepared for a child tell her the things that you'd be willing to work on with her. You must stress the issue of life and how she shouldn't do it. I am very much AGAINST abortions.

    Somethings to take into consideration on her part:

    1. She may be in pursuit of her education right now

    2. Where and how would the child be raised

    3. How to work and care for a child

    4. Who are the people that will support her mentally and financially

    5. Does she trust your actions or intentions

    6. What will be the pros and cons of having a child right now for both of you

    7. You're not married

    8. Put into consideration the amount of time you've been together

    9.She doesn't want to be stuck raising a child by herself

    These may be some of the things that she thinks about as they are the first thoughts that popped into my head.

    I hope things work out for you.

  • If she's not showing yet, she may not want people to find out that she got pregnant. So if that's the reason, there's probably not much you can do to change her mind.

    Try this; one day (soon!) sit down with her, you two list pro's and con's of keeping the baby, putting up for adoption, and abortion (write this stuff down if you need too) and ask her what is pushing her to abortion. If its something your willing to help her with, or you find easily fixed, let her know if she decides not to terminate, you will help her through it. Just let her know how you stand on the situation.

    • Very good advice :) By listing cons, you can work out solutions to each one, so that she no longer feels unsure and scared/alone... She may even change her mind if she realizes that things will work...

    • Yea I make list for a lot of issues, it helps a lot(:

  • I'm so sorry for the both of you, Sweetheart..but it does happen. Talk to her. Tell her your true feelings. Don't hold back. This is a HUGE issue. The baby is a part of you. Although it is her ultimate decision. It's her body that would carry the baby. But you sound like a true man that has the head on his shoulders to live up to his responsibilities...which, honestly is very rare. She should at least respect your feelings. Please talk to her and try to see if she can't make an exception for the baby's sake and the both of your's. I wish you luck. Message me if you need to talk more about it...

  • Well done. :)

    • Many thanks.

  • It's her body, apart from asking her not to do it, there's nothing you can do. I very much doubt it will ruin either of your lives, you can create more children later if you are so inclined.

    • Dude, you're a little wrong about that second bit. 9 months down the track she'll feel the regret and depression. The fact that she would have a baby, but doesn't because SHE KILLED IT. It may not RUIN her life, but that knowledge will always be there. Not to mention the abortion surgery DOES have risks, like every surgery. And abortions often make it slightly more difficult to concieve in the future, because of the uterus being messed with :S But +1 because you're right for the first bit :)

    • @twilight: I just want to make a bit of a correction. Most women who get abortions do not end up regretting it. Yes, some do, but it's a little less than half, and that number decreases over time. I had to have one and, although I regret being in that position in the first place, I don't regret my decision to abort. I study bioanthropology, and in the beginning of a pregnancy the embryo is to undeveloped to even be referred to as a fetus. I know some people think differently, but to me a zygote

    • is just that. I don't think it any more "human" than its haploid components. And as far as the abortion procedure itself, most abortions performed within the first trimester are done through a medical abortion, which does not require surgery and is the same as a natural miscarriage. As far as a woman's fertility is concerned, the less than 1% women who have lasting complications from an abortion *may* be slightly less likely to conceive in the future. However, a woman is more likely to have

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  • It shouldn't really be your decision. I know you are the one who got her pregnant, but all you can do is tell her what you think is best. You aren't pushing the baby off, and the only thing that would "ruin your lives", or your relationship is you putting pressure on her like that. Which is unfair on her.

  • Interesting experiment, is it for a college calss?

  • aww I'm sorry. are you sure its not just an idea she's considering or has she allready made an appt?

    • Not really considering it. That to her is the only option. She doesn't have an appointment, But it's not like she's weighing options. So I really don't know why she's waiting.

    • well if she hasn't actually made an appointment yet maybe she is considering otherwise but just not saying it out loud. I really don't know what you could do other then explain to her its alive and has a heartbeat and its her child why would she want to harm it.

  • I'm afraid you can't. You can have your say, but in the end it's her decision. Think about it- who has to go through pregnancy, or if she put it up for adoption, the trauma of carrying a baby, giving birth then having to say goodbye.

    This will be harder on her than on you whatever she does, therefore it is her choice.

    If she does have the kid and you do become a father, are you in the financial position to provide for it? Will you be a benefits family? Are you in a stable enough relationship to provide a good upbringing for the child? Because I don't think you are- the fact that you're trying to persuade her to go through the torture of labour to have a baby she doesn't want kind of makes you look quite selfish.

    • I don't think we'd need to be on benefits. I do pretty well for myself. And I know it would be hard but ain't that what life is? overcoming hardship? I never expected anything to be easy. An and one of my goals has always been to never need to be on welfare, or anything like that. I'm fairly against the government giving the poor handouts for extended time. So I don't really want to be in the position were I have to ask for that.

    • We are really stable (over 2 years almost 3) And I was getting ready to propose. I just always thought it would be better to wait till after I was out of college. (She already is) This has kinda sped everything up.

    • So maybe start by telling her something along the lines of "I was gonna wait till after I was out of college, but hings have changed so..." and then propose? Unless this really isn't the time? Because that may make her feel more sure about any decisions she does make, knowing that you WILL be there for her... Idk... Just a suggestion :)

  • too many variables for this to be an accurate experiment...go back to the drawing board and ask a statistics/psychology teacher for help

  • I'm sorry you are going through this. I am strongly against abortion, & applaud you for wanting to stop your girlfriend from killing your child. You need to make her understand that the baby is a human being, & she does not have the right to take someone's life or decide who lives & dies. Though this situation may be inconvenient for her now, this is a serious decision. It's hard to get through to people who are pro abortion, but try your best. I'm sorry you have to be helpless in this situation. Is not fair only the female gets rights when it comes to abortion, in fact, it kind of sickens me. Good Luck!

    • Please read the updates

  • alright. First a bit of reality- the law gives her all rights to choose to have an abortion, you have no say. It's not fair, but that's how it is. I think if I were in her situation I would worry about where she and the baby would be living, who will take care of the baby, who will provide for the family and if she can trust you will always be there? You need to assure her that you will do your part. There's not too much you can say other than "I want this baby, I will always be with you..etc" avoid trying to disprove her decision as in,"you will regret it, it's not safe, it's immoral" the best thing you can do it understand how stressed/ scared/ and confused she is feeling. Show her your making an effort, get a job/or work more hours. save up money. seriously plan for a place to live (she does not want to depend on her parents or yours). Also make sure her parents support the two of you having the child, they don't have to love the idea but you must prove to them as well as to your girlfriend that you will be a responsible father (her parents will influence her decision). To do that you should have a talk with her parents tell them you are going to man up and support and care for your child.. you may not be able to do that.. if not then you are probably not as ready as you think you are, do some thinking, are you really prepared for all the responsibility that comes with having a child?

    • o I didn't read the updates.. good advice though right?;)

    • very.

  • I see nothing wrong with abortion

  • its her option she's gonna have to go though 9 months of labor...

    not much you can do there beside support her if you don't want to ruin your relationship

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Home >  Sexual Health  > PLEASE HELP! I got my girlfriend pregnant - how can I stop her from getting an abortion?