How to find compatible virgin wife?

[SexyRico84]

Hi, I'm Rico, I'm 27 (6" 175 lbs, mixed race 3/4 white 1/4 black) and I've been looking forever to find a suitable wife. I know I probably sound like some tibetan monk, but I did try twice to have a real relationship. Every time I start falling for a girl, her past creeps up and haunts the crap out of me. If I'm to be with this woman for the rest of our lives, how can I compromise? It rips me up inside, why do girls have to born with that stupid little piece of skin anyways... damn male pride. All I could ever think about was the rush that these guys got off "my womans" first time. I know that my values are skewed, and probably come off as insecure, but it's how I feel about it , I wish I didn't but here I am, and it's really sad. You see, I cared deeply for these girls, but not enough that I could give myself entirely to them. Always been attractive to women, I mean, I do get approached, and at the bar, girls will hang around the table me & my buddy sit at, so I know that I'm at least good looking enough. My problem is I'm loveshy. It's like I'm scared to commit to any girl because of this damn virginity thing. I can't move on with my life now, cause I'm getting older, and don't know if I'll ever find her in my lifetime. At my work (yeah, I know bad place) there're two girls that are for sure virgins. I like one of them, and she likes me, she wears makeup when we work together, she smiles more when I'm there (from what the other girls tell me) so I think she likes me. But like I said I'm a goof, and no matter how good looking you are, if she doesn't like your personality, forget it. So I talk to her, and talk to her, and ask her out, but never does she want to do anything with me. The other girl told me flat out she was a virgin, but I'm not attracted to her at all. She does have her sh*t together, so in that sense I could be at least comfortable knowing she's not a fall down. There's definitely more to this, but I don't want to bore you too much right meow. Man I gotta get a new hobby or something lol.

[38rakia38]

I can understand how a woman's past might make a man uncomfortable, hey, I don't have a very pretty past myself--it's ugly and if a potential mate found out I might not have a flying chance in hell.

But I told the man I've been seeing the last 3 years about it, and yeah, it scared the sh*t out of him and yes he ran because he was too afraid to deal with it. About 3 months after he ditched me, pretty much strung me out to dry (it broke my heart that he didn't like me because my past was well, my past) he called me out of the blue. He and I went out for lunch and he explained to me that my past had scared him, but he was incredibly sorry he had just run off like a p**** and that he had done things in his past he wasn't proud of and that I hadn't judged him for it.

The past is the past, we all do sh*t we're not proud of, and I'm actually sad that you can't understand that we have all done things we regret, INCLUDING YOU, but we learned from them and we moved on and it made us better or worse.

There are plenty of us non-virgins out there who would commit, who could potentially spend the rest of our lives with you, but you shun us like a pariah because our past bothers you?

This guy that I've been sleeping with for 3 years, was nearly engaged to a chick who from what I understand (from friends who were present at that time) was a controlling brat who always got her way. I don't question why he's so terrified to actually commit to me, I completely understand his fears (granted I am nothing like his ex fiance, complete opposite in fact), it doesn't mean I don't love him, I do, very much. But, I'm not expecting to be married or anything of the sort to him.

Lemme tell you something though, love will find you when you're least looking for it. It'll smack you right in the face when you're not in the mood to try again. It may take years, months, weeks, whatever. If you're cynical about it, or your picky, or you can't open your heart and mind to someone else--

No offense but you'll end up a hermit for the rest of your life, a virgin hermit. Do you really want to live in fear all your life? Fear that you'll get broken over a girl, hell, we all get our hearts ripped out and stepped on like it's nothing--but we get up off the ground and we go back out there and do it all over again--not for the punishment, but for the hope that maybe, just maybe we'll find the one.

[SexyRico84]

If I still haven't found what I'm looking for by 30, I'll change. Until then, I've got my youth, and a chance. I don't want to end up a hermit, lol! I do get out, and talk to chicks at the bar and stuff like that, but you guys are too perceptive, they always pick up on my general sense of insecurity, even though I try to hide it and act confident. Not good at playing games. I try to be as open as possible so that "love will smack me right in the face". That would be awesome.

[38rakia38]

A girl who doesn't take a man's insecurity at face value is an idiot. When it comes to relationships, it's like playing a game of poker where your all in, all the time. Yeah, sometimes your chips are down, but that's the way relationships are. You take the good and the bad because you care for the other person regardless. Hell, at my rate, I won't be married until I'm 30.

[saphirasilverwings]

How do you know those two girls are virgins? Unless they've told you, there's no way for you to know.

I think you need to try to get past this virginity issue a little bit. It's okay to value virginity, and to not want a girl who seems like a slut, but if you can't marry a girl who isn't a virgin you need to travel back in time to the 1700s. These days people just don't hang on to their virginities for as long. You need to realize that virginity isn't the most important virtue a person can have, and that just because someone isn't a virgin doesn't mean that they're worthless or that they don't have as much to give.

My current (and first) boyfriend told me he was a virgin, so when I lost my virginity to him, I thought it was like an exchange. I had never cared about virginity at all before, in fact I didn't necessarily want a boyfriend who was a virgin because I thought it would be nice if he had some experience. But suddenly I began to value virginity more and appreciate "having" his virginity. So when he told me that he had lied to me because he was afraid of losing me- he had had sex once before with a girl he barely knew and he regretted it terribly- I felt betrayed and upset, and jealous of the other girl. But even though I hate being lied to, I could sympathize with his reasons for lying so I forgave him. He's an amazing guy with so much to give, and it would have been stupid to lose him just because of that. It made me realize that technical virginity doesn't have to matter so much as long as I'm the one he loves and the only one he wants to have sex with from now on.

I think you need to try to come to the same understanding. It's going to be extremely difficult to find women in your age group who are virgins. Virginity shouldn't be a deal breaker, if only because it isn't practical in this day and age. Just because someone isn't a virgin doesn't mean they can't be a good partner and love you fully.

[saphirasilverwings]

Oh sorry, I see that you talked more about the girls at your work. I missed that before.

[saphirasilverwings]

Still though, the girl who didn't tell you flat out, you have no way of knowing.

[saphirasilverwings]

Another thing you need to understand is that life requires compromise. I'm something of an idealist and I don't like it either, but everyone finds themselves in positions where they have to choose something to give up, even when it comes to important, life changing decisions. You may end up having to choose between a girl who's attractive and who you connect well with who isn't a virgin, and a girl you don't like as much who is. And in the long run, you'll have a happier relationship with

[saphirasilverwings]

the girl who isn't a virgin. Once a girl loses her virginity to you, everything will be the same as it would have been with a girl who lost her virginity to someone else. Virginity is an ephemeral thing. It only affects your relationship for the short term. But other qualities like kindness, a sense of humor, intelligence, things that help you connect emotionally, will stay with you for much longer and have a much greater positive impact on your relationship.

[SexyRico84]

It's too bad his memories will forever be of this other girl. It's great though that you found some kind of peace in your life, because it sounds like you're coming from a really balanced place. I like what you said about compromise, I wish I had read that a few years ago when I had a smart, hot, rich girlfriend.

[SexyRico84]

Every other chick I work with knows the one I like is virgin. They told me, I think to entice me to hit on her, because they said to me "she needs to get laid a few times before meeting the right guy". Well, I'm the right guy! They think I'm full of sh*t, that I'm a player, that I don't like her. I bought her gifts for Xmas even, and she gave me a big hug & kiss on the cheek.! I gave her a tent in return! Didn't mean to though. She's smart, makes me laugh, and has a bodacious body. oh yeah

[saphirasilverwings]

I'm not worried that he's tied up with memories about this other girl. For one thing, he wasn't even dating her- he lost his virginity is a brief, one time, unplanned encounter that he regretted terribly as soon as it was over. It wasn't a good time in his life and he doesn't remember it in a positive way. So I know that I'm by far a bigger, and much better, part of his life. but for another thing, people do possess the ability to move on. If you break up with someone, it happens for a reason,

[saphirasilverwings]

so there's surely at least a little bit of negativity associated with their memory. Just because you lose your virginity to someone doesn't mean you're hung up on them forever, and it definitely doesn't mean that your current partner can't be even more special to you.

[SexyRico84]

I know, but I think I'll reserve my feelings until I'm left behind with no chance at all to find the dream. I promised myself I wouldn't feel anything for another girl until I found her, even if that means I have to disregard her past. That's just not life I was planning for. My greatest fear is this, I'm not sure I can be a faithful husband to a non-virgin. God knows I want to be. I mean, I might change into man whore, if I can't find her soon. Life isn;t what I expected lol.

[saphirasilverwings]

I don't understand why whether or not she's a virgin would affect your ability to be faithful. I DO think that people are more likely to be faithful in their marriage if they themselves have had sex with other people, since they won't be as tempted to cheat out of curiosity.

[saphirasilverwings]

Your suggestion that virginity means more to men than it does to women because of the hymen being broken kind of bothers me, because women don't necessarily care less about virginity just because they're not altering the guy physically. In fact, many would argue that it matters MORE to women than it does to men, since women, over all, tend to be more sentimental and commitment focused. (That's not to say that men can't be as well, but I would guess that more women are that way than men are.)

[anonymouse8]

If all you care about is virginity, you need a mail order bride from China or something. These days people don't stay virgins as long, and you'll be hard pressed to find a woman your age who's a virgin who you also happen to like and connect with. You just can't put virginity before other qualities like kindness, intelligence, compatibility, etc. It isn't practical, because in the long run, those qualities will have a far greater impact on your marriage than virginity (or lack thereof) will. Virginity is a material, short-term thing, not a good foundation to build a life-long relationship on. Especially since once a girl has lost her virginity to you, everything will be exactly the same as it would be with a woman who gave her v card to someone else.

There's nothing wrong with appreciating virginity as a virtue, but there is something wrong with making it into a deal-breaker situation. You'll never find a woman who you can have a happy, lasting, fulfilling marriage with if your top priority for traits in a partner is something that actually has little affect on the relationship as a whole. You will inevitably have to compromise, and choosing virginity over a great personality would be nothing short of stupid. I totally get where you're coming from as far as feeling haunted by a girl's past, but you need to figure out how to make yourself relax about it. Lot's of people struggle with the idea of their partner's exes, but they have to learn to deal with it because it's not worth losing someone over.

You need to remember that just because a woman doesn't have her virginity to give you doesn't mean she isn't an amazing person who can love you fully and make a fabulous wife. And sex for the first time between the two of you can still be just as special as it would have been if she was a virgin. It all depends on your mindset, so try to stay focused on the present and the positives.

[SexyRico84]

Yeah, the girls I went out with were freaking amazing and I regret dumping them, especially so, since they TRUSTED me. I'm a terrible person. They're families were friendly, and very successful, the first girl could have provided for me! lol imagine that, a "kept" man. It wasn't enough. I threw it all away, in rage. What's the # to China?

[SexyRico84]

"since once a girl has lost her virginity to you, everything will be exactly the same as it would be with a woman who gave her v card to someone else." Not exactly. Her memory is with some douche bag teen punk. Not her sexy hard working husband who will provide for her every need. Because I have that kind of love to give. "stay focused on the present and the positives" I try, man, do I EVER try!

[anonymouse8]

You're not a terrible person at all. You just need to learn to get over this hurdle. You're right, it wouldn't be exactly the same. Memories do matter. But a girl's first sexual encounter isn't necessarily (in fact, it rarely is) her most enjoyable, memorable, or meaningful one. Losing your virginity is just one instant out of an entire lifetime. Is that little moment she had with someone else really more important than all the beautiful times and amazing sex that she can have with you? No.

[SexyRico84]

I'm beginning to better understand the idea "eye of the beholder" since posting in this forum. I think for women though it has to be different. When you consummate your love for a man, there is no physical change to his body, maybe a mental change, but that's about it. To us, we're changing a part of you, and that change symbolizes growth, to me anyways. What it all comes down to is just that, I want to grow as a human being with another. I haven't even traveled much, there's much to share.

[saphirasilverwings]

Did you know that some women aren't even born with a hymen? Losing your virginity truly isn't a physical thing. So many girls break their hymens during sports or masturbation or with a tampon etc. Plus, some women have hymens that are so stretchy and strong that they don't even break during CHILDBIRTH. (Yes, I do know someone who's hymen didn't break during childbirth. Let's just say I was the baby that DIDN'T break the hymen.)

[saphirasilverwings]

So if you equate a broken hymen with a lost virginity... I guess I'm the next Jesus! Haha.

[anonymouse8]

That's true. If you take a girl's virginity, chances are you aren't actually breaking her hymen. But even if you do, it's not really fair to suggest that virginity matters more to men than to women.

[sobg71124]

There is nothing more important for a girl than preserving her virginity. Every time she "experiments" or worse, she is doing no less than being unfaithful to her future husband. Not only that, but women who marry as virgins have an 80% success rate, for example. For woman who have had just one sexual encounter prior to that marriage, that drops immediately to near 50%. With multiple partners, it plunges rapidly lower than that. It is so much easier for a woman to cheat, knowing what she had previously - especially if it was memorable/good for her. It is also extremely important for a man, knowing his new bride is clean and untouched. He does not need memories of her past sex life with a bunch of other (GROSS!) guys haunting him for the rest of their lives. The only thing a girl can give to her man upon marriage, that no one else can provide for him, is her virginity. It is such a shame that girls, with very few exceptions, have acted as dirty sluts in this country. Even most Christian girls today, from what I am learning. Where does a good man turn these days to find a pure wife? It seems that we all share this daunting predicament.

[Littletad]

If you're going after girls, because they are virgins, you're going to be disappointed in life. If you date with stipulations such as that, you'll never find the rate mate.

[saphirasilverwings]

I agree 100%. You have to be more open.

[SexyRico84]

Worse comes to worse, I'll be 40, have lots more money and just play the field for all it's worth. Guys in they're 50s are getting laid like 20 year olds thanks to boner pills. Life doesn't have to be all that disappointing.

[saphirasilverwings]

You'd really rather stay single and just sleep around for your whole life than compromise and have a great relationship with a non virgin? That's just sad. You'd be giving up your WHOLE dream instead of just part of it. Why do you have to put up that much of a barrier? There's nothing to be so scared of.

[LuvBiddy]

It's OK that virginity is important to you, but it should not be so important to you that it hinders your dating life, which it is right now.

You could meet "the girl of your dreams" who also happens to be a virgin, but later on you could break up because you're just not compatible in something that is much more important for the longevity of a relationship.

Anyway, every girl loses her virginity at some point, so are you going to lose interest in her as soon as you take it? Then she'll be just like everyone else. Think about it.

[SexyRico84]

I wouldn't lose interest after taking it, no way! That's the whole point, I want my wife's memories to be of me, not some loser teen punk. Sometimes when you do something your memories pop up. I'm too insecure about making love to have my wife be thinking of someone else (has nothing to do with performance lol, I'm no regular Slim Jim ;)

[LuvBiddy]

That's an interesting point. Although she could still be thinking of Patrick Swayze or Tom Cruise while you're getting down and dirty. You never really know what's going through her mind.

[cyrus7]

same here I get a bit disappointed if a girls not a virgin, because I'm one and its unfair

[SexyRico84]

All we can do bro, is get out there and try. You can't win if you don't play. You can do it bro, you've got looks, and balls enough to post a pic! Get out there!