My otherwise wonderful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

I will try to keep this brief. I have been married for 4+ years, but we have been together for over 8 years. He is tall, handsome and has a nice physique. He finds me sexy and beautiful. We are a great match in every single area except one -- sex. Highly compatible otherwise. The best way to describe my hubby's sexuality would be asexual while I have a pretty healthy sex drive. We didn't have sex before we got married -- I had assumed it was religion-related (he's a pretty staunch Catholic) but now I know it's not so. Let's just say that sexually speaking wedding night was a big disappointment. The problem has 2 parts. The physical part has to do with a soft erection and premature ejaculation. Viagra didn't work all that great by the way. But the far bigger problem is the mental part. He has a very immature attitude about sex. Almost like a Peter Pan complex. Reluctance to learn, no initiative, no spontaneity, but most importantly, a general queasiness and discomfort with any form of sexual discussion. He is hypersensitive about sex. The last time we had sex was over a month ago and that happened after a gap of 1.5 years. Yes, you read that right. He gets aroused by me very easily but because of the problems I mentioned above, nowadays I feel like I am hugging my brother when I put my arms around him. So what's this doing to me, you say? I find myself fantasizing about certain men I come across in my life. I find myself thinking about having to live the life of a nun when I am in my sexual prime (not talking about reproduction, but drive -- most women reach theirs in their 30s and 40s) and I find myself getting irritated by it. Sure, there's masturbation and I do that a lot but how long can fingers replace the real thing. I find myself craving the erotic touch of a man's lips, the power and sensuality of a nice well-formed member. People might say "well, divorce him then" but here's the kicker -- I cannot imagine myself doing that. I don't want to divorce him. I don't see myself growing old with anybody else but him. I enjoy his company, our conversations, taking care of him, all of that. Morbid though it sounds, I would rather he outlive me. But I feel a despair when I think about what's lacking. I don't really know why I am posting this here, except that I needed to vent about this. I plot flings, affairs... followed by thoughts of heading to a therapist's couch in the absence of any such affairs. Married women are not supposed to think this way, right? "Oh it's immoral" people cry out. Give me a break. I find myself getting irritated now by people who have a naive black/white view of life. Life is never that simple.

[selfishstars]

This is a tough one. I'm not sure how much you've been able to talk to him about this or what all you've tried, so maybe you've done some of what I'm going to suggest and it hasn't worked, but here goes:

How is he as far as communication and working out problems in your relationship unrelated to sex? You've said he's immature when it comes to sex, but is he fairly mature otherwise? Further, you said that 1) He's Catholic and 2) that his sexuality is pretty asexual, but that he gets aroused very easily. I'd be curious to know if maybe its less that he is asexual, and more so that there are other things that are negatively affecting his sex drive---sometimes people who are religious may feel guilt surrounding sexual activity or they believe that lust is a sin and sex should only be used for procreation. On the other hand, if he's experiencing issues with not being able to maintain an erection or pre-maturely ejaculating, he may be having self-esteem issues or feel bad about not satisfying you, which can also have a negative effect on his sex drive. I'd also be curious to know if he had any sexual experience before marrying you and whether or not he masturbates (and if he doesn't, is it because he doesn't have the urge? or maybe he sees it as a sin?).

I would probably start out with something like, "I know that talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, but sex is an important part to a relationship for me and I think we need to have a serious conversation about it. I'm interested in having sex with you and working on our sex life, but I feel like we're on different pages about this. I want you to talk open and honestly with me about this. What are your feelings about sex? Do you enjoy it? Do you feel the urge to have it? Is there anything that I can do help make sex more appealing and enjoyable for you?"

If he's willing to talk to you about this and you can hear his side of things, you'll have more to work with in order to solve this problem. If he's relatively unresponsive/doesn't want to talk about it because it makes him uncomfortable or whatever, you may have to redirect the topic and reinforce how important it is to you to talk about this.

It might be a matter of taking a few steps back and dealing with this sort of in the same way you would if you were teens exploring your sexualities for the first time. Making out, moving on to heavy petting, etc. without any expectations that there has to be sex. Take things slow so that he doesn't feel like there's pressure to preform and that he's able to get comfortable with things a little at a time. Then move on to things like manual sex or oral sex where there's less pressure for him to last a long time. This will also give you an opportunity to work on helping him last longer. For example, if you're giving him a handjob, tell him to let you know when he's close to ejaculation, and then stop, spend some time kissing or stimulating other parts of his body, and then return to giving him a handjob.

[Asker]

First, thank you for such a thoughtful response :) We communicate great in other areas but when it comes to any discussions re sex (even the most benign issues), he will freeze up (not even eye contact). I suppose the arousal comment was confusing. When we do get to have sex, he can muster up a soft erection pretty easily upon seeing me naked. But it's all downhill from there -- couple of seconds and that's it -- he comes. Everything has to be initiated by me.

[Asker]

You had some great pointers re sex. But you know, now I'm at a point where I'm mentally exhausted about being the teacher in this area. It's one thing teaching an enthusiastic pupil but when you have teach (even a simple thing as a good French kiss) to somebody who is showing a complete lack of intuition, nothing kills the buzz faster. I have a demanding job and work long hours and would love to use sex as a stress reliever but when I think of all the startup cost with low payoff, I'd rather not

[selfishstars]

I hear what you're saying. I understand that its difficult, especially since he's not enthusiastic about it, but I guess my only response is: What are the other options?

[selfishstars]

2/2 (because I write a lot).

Repeat this a few times before bringing him to orgasm. It may even help to try doing this with a condom on, since it will help to decrease some of the sensitivity.

When you do have sex, if things aren't going as planned (mechanically, or he pre-mature ejaculates), don't make a big deal about it. Go back to stimulating each other in other ways, either directly (manual/oral), or kissing, giving each other full body massages, etc. If he's able, you can try having sex again, but don't make it the priority. The priority at this point should be about being intimate, making each other feel good, and helping him to become more comfortable. The focus doesn't have to be his penis or acheiving orgasm.

Does he enjoy pleasuring you at all? What are his thoughts on fingering you or going down on you? Does seeing you experience pleasure turn him on? If you're not sure if he likes these things, try asking him. If there are things he doesn't like about doing those things, ask him what they are and maybe there's a way you can remedy them or at least talk about them.

Try to spend time talking about sex with him. Again, you may have to do it in a similar way that young people get used to talking about sex. Maybe playing a game like truth or dare or 20 questions so that its fun and not "Okay, now we're going to sit down and talk about our fantasies."

I think that getting him to change his feelings and behaviours regarding sex might be a long process, and you'll have to take the lead.. but if you can help him feel more comfortable and confident talking about sex and playing sexually, then hopefully he'll eventually be comfortable taking more initiative.

I think part of the difficulty will be to let him know that this is important to you so that he'll take it seriously, but also not to put too much pressure on him---since pressure can turn it into a negative experience, make him not want to participate, cause him to have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, or make him feel resentful. You need to be able to be open and honest, but also sensitive to his feelings.

I'm not sure if any of this has been helpful.. and if he has no interest in sex whatsoever, then I don't really have any answers/suggestions.

[selfishstars]

Well, actually. I suppose I would suggest, if he truly is asexual and has no interest in sex, then one option would be to talk to him about it, let him know how much you love and care about him and that you're not interested in being with anyone else romantically, but that if sex is something has no desire for, then maybe he'd be open to allowing you to have a sex partner on the side. Not saying he would go for it, but some men would.

[Asker]

Actually, I have never made a big deal of his inability. If anything, I have tried my best to preserve his ego in that respect. But now I've realized that it doesn't serve my needs. And I'm sick of putting them in the back burner. Re the open relationship, I did think about that. We talked about other people having affairs, esp the whole Tiger Woods thing. His view is that Woods' bigger mistake was indiscretion rather than infidelity -- that he should have been wiser about the women he picked.

[Asker]

Continuing from before... what I infer from that is that he would rather not know. I mean, what would you read into that?

[selfishstars]

Well, I personally wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he's okay with it but rather wouldn't know. I'd take the comment about Tiger Woods to mean that Tiger could've gotten away with it if he had been more discrete/chosen more discrete women, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he thinks its okay to cheat or have discrete/secret relations. I don't know him, so I can't say for sure. Personally, it wouldn't be something I'd risk, just in case I were wrong thinking he'd be okay with it.

[selfishstars]

It's only something I'd go through with if I knew explicitly that my partner was okay with it.

[lace1228]

Has he had is Testosterone levels checked? If it is low his sex drive will be low too. I have heard of a medical procedure that he can have done that will allow him to have a full erection I'm not sure about all the details but you should be able to look it up on the internet it might be a possible answer. Also maybe seeing a sex theripst might help as well. Good luck with everything.

[islands7]

It's clear that your sexual frustration has built to the point that you (not quite secretly) wish for a standing covert affair from a teacher/leader of/in sex.

Of course, you know this will eventually ruin your marriage; a) he finds out, b) he's getting less sex and no answers why, c) you finally give in to your new teacher and leave the marriage.

Keeping the marriage, not being the teacher to an unwilling student, no having yet the equipment on his end required to do the job leaves little with which to work. So keep your initial judgements of "lame" at bay until you have time to reflect on these and leapfrog them with better ideas that your intimacy with this problem might muster.

1. Fantasy sex - get him ready for sex and while he's doing you put your face into a Playgirl or other fantasy hero, imagining hero sex. If he's put off by this, then get him worked up, waiting in the bedroom while you covertly get worked up in another room over some hulk, then appear in the dark to make love to "the hulk".

2. There are many 60's fun & sexy movies that have a sex hero for both; he can imagine he's doing the girl during sex with you and vice versa ... maybe you both will perform better, he physically & you mentally?

3. Sex stories on line + sex toys can spark a dull afternoon - but which will be the reader?

4. Sex games might work, even strip poker but now I reaching, stretching for odd things that do not work for everyone. However, there are "adult sex games" on line that are good for a rush or two.

Keep us posted, OK?!?!?!?

[Anonymous]

I can feel your pain... having been through spells of a somewhat sexless marriage. When I don't get sex, I just demand it. Fortunately, my partner like dominant males, so she tends not to turn down. Mostly.

Strangely enough, when we starts she's almost always unethusiastic. Once we go through a little of it, she starts enjoying it! And having fairly enjoyable sex does make the relationship better. But it can sometimes be an uphill struggle.

Secondly, I know what Catholic guilt can be. We've been drilled about sex being dirty, unnatural, nasty and sinful since a very early age. For long years, I was unethusiastic about sex, and just did it because I "had to". Hearing some evangelical preacher on TV talk about partners ("husbands" and "wives") having the duty of giving themselves to each other, and enjoying sex, did help.

After many years, a lady whom I encountered online helped me to feel more confident about my own sexuality. It was a rather late sexual awakening.

For a long time, I believed that sex wasn't something that "good girls" wanted, talked about, or enjoyed. We grew up believing that. Times have changed a lot. Once you realize that it's not all that taboo and definitely not sinful (just a bodily need that any human being has), then it becomes easier on yourself. There's a lot of things we need to unlearn.

(Frankly, getting access to online p*rn also helped me to extend my imagination. Am grateful for that... and it has also deepened my relationship.)

[Asker]

Sorry for the late reply, I hardly ever get on here anymore. I think I have gotten to the point where I can manage my urges to jump the bones of certain men (like my yoga instructor :D -- he has been pretty generous with foot massages lately). I just pop in some good & dirty p*rn and get busy. Still no sex here. But as weird as it sounds, I love my husband immensely and I don't see that changing.

[Asker]

Contd: One of the things that keeps me from having an affair is the fear of the other person getting serious. Divorce is out of the question. I'm assuming you're Catholic? So you'll know the Pre-Cana questionnaire? Well, we scored near perfect on all the major relationship deal breakers to the point where our priest asked if we cheated off of each other (we didn't). The one area the questionnaire identified as being weak was sex but I didn't pay attention to it.

[Asker]

Contd again: It's amazing how accurate it turned out to be... (I wish these comments wouldn't post in reverse chronological order :( )

[Opinion Owner]

Just a thought: don't give up on sex! There are two extreme perspectives over this -- one is that we do anything we want to get the sex we want. The other extreme is to pretend it isn't important at all after some years of marriage. I think it's quite important -- there are crucial chemicals that sex triggers off that allows us to bond, and all that. If you give up on sex, you'll get even less of it.

[Opinion Owner]

One "solution" is to be a bit shameless about asking for it when you need it. I know this is tougher for a woman, because the cycle is not so calendar-driven. But as a guy, I make it clear to my partner that I need it twice a week. (I could do with more, but she would possibly protest... so I can manage solo, or with p*rn). I see sex almost as vital as food or water -- we don't need five star every time, but we do need a certain bare amount if we are to stay alive healthy!

[Opinion Owner]

The other point is you probably still have some time before you sexually peak (in your late 30s, early 40s). If you let the tap run dry now, it's going to be worse later. Do you think workpressures or kids somehow block your partner's libido? But keep in mind that it's very "normal" for people to lose their interest in sex once the challenge is no longer there. If one sees it as a physical need, then it becomes easier to cope with...

[Asker]

First off, you sound like a mature individual and I appreciate your inputs. Thank you! Ahh, so many issues here - 1) I am terribly (to the power of infinity) hesitant about rocking the boat. Let me explain. We have a great marriage otherwise -- we bounce back fast from disagreements about finances, career, family, religion, etc. We see eye-to-eye on pretty much many things, our tastes match. Having had dissatisfactory relationships before (on these issues) I truly cherish what I have now.

[Asker]

My deep-seated fear is that I'll ruin a great thing by opening that can of worms. 2) Soft erection and premature ejac. He took Viagra for a while without my knowledge but knowing its side effects, I'd rather he not take it. I want him alive and healthy. Plus, it didn't help with premature ejac but did help slightly with the soft erection. 3) When he did take Viagra, his juvenile attitude in bed really put a damper. Crossing eyes, making faces. It's like a comic act with horrible timing.

[Asker]

I think it's due to insecurity but having had 3 sexually competent & confident lovers before, I lose all urge to make love if I have to teach even the very basics. 4) The total lack of adult passion. I mean, he'll approach it with the enthusiasm of a 2 year old with a cookie jar while what gets me fired up is a more dominant approach. I can return fire with fire but not when I feel like I'm with a 13 year virgin. In short, I need him to act like a man in bed.

[Asker]

After working long hours, I would welcome sex as a stress reliever but all fun goes out the window if I have to coax & cajole both him & his member so much, that too without any hope of being satisfied in return. I'd rather spend time with my dog or just chat with him then. Finally, one more thing about Issue #1: I am afraid of hurting his feelings (he is VERY sensitive about anything sexual) by launching into a frank discussion about this.

[oh_henry_oh]

Show him what you wrote, show him this, what you have just written.

Just print it out and ask him to read it.

One more thing, if you discover he's been involved in homosexuality -- divorce him as fast as you can. Immediately. Go to an attorney the next day, or, if practical, that very day.

But marriage is lot's of things, it's a contract, a special kind of contract to be sure, but he hasn't even tried to keep up -- and he knew the elements of the deal before he signed up.

Sorry, I think you married a homosexual and simply haven't found out yet.

[danigurl56]

wow... a year and a half! OUCHHHH! This sounds like a tough situation. Sex is a big part of a relationship/marriage! Selfishstars had great advice! I hope you both can figure things out and re-new your sex life. G'Luck

[myspacemybroke]

It's because he's catholic, when sex is considered a filthy crime all your life it tends to create a bit of psychological barrier even after marriage makes it "pure and beautiful". Give him an ultimatum. It would be selfish to cheat on him. Basically you want him for the emotional gratification he provides, but don't want to accept his bad qualities. Talk to him about it, if he realizes he could loose you because of it he may be willing to seek help and break through the issues he has.

[Konpachi]

Hmm, you're in a predicament, there's no denying that. Well, first off it is a good thing that you decided to remain faithful to him, don't give in to your urges to have a fling, mark my words, you will regret that.

My humble advice after reading about your case, would be to seek out a marriage/sex counselor, where you and hubby can have a 1 on 1 session with the counselor and discus what you feel is the problem and how you two can fix it.

Also, remember, the most important thing in a relationship and even more important in a marriage, is communication. You need to force your husband to sit down and confront this problem, tell him how you feel and ask him what you think the two of you should do to fix it, but be sure to let him know that it is really bothering you and that you need a change.

PS: 1&1/2yrs!?! ... no offense but, F*CK THAT! If that were my wife, that would've been a MAJOR problem in my house. Well, if it's any consolation, my Parents have a bad marriage and my Dad went for 16yrs without sex, before finally snapping and having an affair with another woman.

[Asker]

The 1.5 year gap was not due to me, believe me!

[golfer_wi]

Sounds just like my marriage, except my wife doesn't seem to have a sexual bone in her body. We should get together. Sort of a joke, but not really! :-)

[CuriousEddie]

What's the question here? I guess that there isn't... you admitted venting.

Have you been honest with him about your being so disappointed? What's his response?

I'm guessing he won't "allow" you to have an affair.

Could you have an affair and not fall in love? I would think that if a man gave you the sexual attention you've been missing, and perhaps a little romance as well, that you'd find yourself very much drawn to him...

[playa_pan]

vibrator?

Seek therapist?

[drumr2009]

Not advocate cheating but when your sex drive doesn't match up with your partner your options are limited. You can try to improve his drive (which you have ) or go elsewhere. Life is too short to masturbate your life away, you may need to go the outside the marrage for satisfaction.

Also if you are bi, he'll be less hurt if you cheat with a woman that a man. It sounds like you already know what you want to do but just looking for support in finding someting else.

[Asker]

Ah, I wish I were bi. I fooled around with my best friend when we were schoolgirls but didn't swing that way since her.

[nate18]

wow. you defiantly have a major problem here. my first thought was have an affair with somebody on the side. other than that he seems to be asexual and I'm not sure there is anything you can do about that. try having sex with somebody else and see how that works out for you. good luck.

[Asker]

If only it were so easy to find someone! Qualifications? Has to be a good lover (no point going from one lousy lay to another) and has to be discreet (I have professional reasons for this). But the thing is, there's no way to really judge these things about a person until the rubber hits the road ;)

[nate18]

i know what you mean, and all those can be taken care of for you. if you say found another man that was married. he would also want to be discrete about it. the part about the good lay, only trial and error can make a man good. and fortunately you don't know about that part until the rubbers enters you ;)

[nate18]

hey add me if you want maybe I can help.

[Asker]

Venturing into cougar territory, hmmm? ;)

[nate18]

hahaha, I do have a thing for older women ;) but realistically nothing ever comes of it :( maybe we can help each other out?

[TherapistKat]

I definitely believe your issues with your husband can only be solved through intense therapy. I sense that there is something behind your husband's inability to achieve a full erection and his premature ejaculation.
His religious upbringing could be the culprit but there could also be another underlying issue. Is it possible he suffered some kind of tramatic sexual humiliation before you were married?

[Anonymous]

Tell him how you feel if you want to. Another way is to turn him on more. Working out or attractive clothes is a change. Eventually he'll have sexual tension and he'll want to do it. A lot of people just let themselves go after marriage and expect the guy to have the same sexual attractiveness to them. You gotta aim to try to turn him on pretty much.

[Asker]

We didn't have sex until our wedding night and it's been a disappointment since then. He was distraught after his performance and I lied to make him feel better :/ Not sure if he bought it... BTW, I am in shape (and it's not a pear), I work out and I do dress nice. He certainly appreciates that. You'll have to read my answers above to get a better picture of the situation.

[Anonymous]

I was in a very simular situation but the other way around. I eventually couldn't take it anymore and started to have sex with another woman. I have been very discrete about it and found someone else married who also was desperate for sex. We have hot sex twice a week and we're both addicted. We both vent our frustrations that had built for years and though we love our spouses we enjoy our hot kinky sex a lot and we feel like we deserved to find each other. Our respective marriages are happier than before it seems. The discreteness of our sexual encounters make the sex unbelievably hot. We both know that aspect is not "nice" but that's what it is.