Sexual Health
+1 y

Masturbation...teenage boys...teenage girls...help!?

*sigh* so my daughter is 14 and 1/2 and she has a boyfriend the same age. I keep a pretty close tab on what they're doing by reading her texts, yes I know that's wrong, but I have to know what she needs help because she isn't asking and I don't use it against her I promise lol. So her boyfriend is the greatest kid he's a good boy, he's smart, he goes to church, he's respectful and sweet and he loves her and I mean he adores her and I like him a lot they've been going out for 6 months. Well let's just say he's getting a lot more sexually curious with her lately and she's not sure how to handle it because he wasn't like this when they first got together (she was his first kiss and basically anything they've done is his first ) I think I've found out what part of the problem is...this kid has never masterbated. Not once and he doesn't want to because "it can mess you up later in life" his dad was like a serial cheater with his mom and has some sex addiction issues so I'm thinking maybe this scares him and he doesn't want to be that way? but if the only satisfaction he feels he can get is from my daughter then that's gonna be a problem because she is too young and isn't willing or ready for hand jobs or blow jobs or sex(she's told him this). Should I talk to her about this? of course not telling her I read it but just bringing it up to her that he should be taking care of business himself before they see each other so that he won't be so 'intense' when he's with her or should I stay out of it and let her handle it her way(she's told him he needs to back off the sexual stuff/talking that it's bothering her and he's said he will but that he's so horny all the time that it's hard and I'm sure that's the case lol) I hate that he feels so out of control with his hormones with her but I feel this could be fixed with some at home therapy with Mr. Right Hand. Help!
Updates:
+1 y
thanks for all your comments and suggestions. I actually didn't discuss the masterbation issue with her because it just didn't seem like a good moment to bring it up at any point but thankfully they worked it out between them
+1 y
they talked about the big issue and now he's taking care of things when the pressure is too much with her blessing, he was concerned that she would see him differently because of it and she said of course she wouldnt... we'll see if it helps LOL
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Most Helpful Guys

  • > I keep a pretty close tab on what they're doing by reading her texts

    A bit James Bond. Why not just talk to her and maybe his parents if she is cool with that. They both sound like kids a parent can talk to about things, but who are clearly too young to be going very far together. Not sure it is your place to talk to him, or even direct him through her (given his age and you not being a relation).

    > he has never masturbated

    You know this from direct conversation with him? Or is this from the text interception? Could it be that this is a line to your daughter, so he might get hand relief out of sympathy for his controlling parent(s)?

    Have you had conversations about masturbation with your own daughter (I kind of had to step up to the Mom plate with my daughters at a bit older, as my wife passed away). I let them dictate when this happened, they asked me questions when they needed a view, we talked about things frankly so far as I could, and I encouraged them to talk to my wife's surviving sisters (who they are close to) for a female perspective (having previously discussed with the sisters that they were OK with this when the time was right). Didn't know about this site then or at 16 I'd have directed them to it.

    > Should I talk to her about this?

    Definitely. Glad mine asked me. Some of their peers (including male and female cousins on my wife's side by one of her surviving brothers) and other kids in our town are already parents at 15-17. Better some talks early, than regrets at leisure.

    > bringing it up to her that he should be taking care of business himself

    I think this is dangerous ground in terms of his age, and his parent(s)' rights and responsibilities. Would you encourage her to masturbate if she was horny but hadn't started pleasing herself? How would his parents feel about you directly or indirectly making that suggestion to their son?

    You also need to think through where the conversation might go in advance. They are legally too young for any kind of mutual activity or even exposure at that age. I know some people do do things early, but that doesn't make it right, safe or in their best interests.

    • 1) I would never discuss this with him. I've discussed sex with my daughter many times. 2) no he really hasn't I know it's shocking but he hasn't it's an ongoing conversation it's not a line. 3) no I haven't but that's how I'm planning to get around to him but discussing it with her. 4) IA with you about the dangerous grounds. I'm simply going to give her something to think about, if she discusses it with him that'll be her choice entirely I'm not going to tell her she should discuss it with him.

    • Really difficult situation. Would talking to his parent(s) make life difficult for him? In your shoes that would feel better to me than them possibly making a mistake they regret at say 15+ if he discovers the joy of pleasing himself and insists on sharing that with her too young.

    • unfortunately talking to his parents would indeed worsen the situation I'm pretty sure :\ that's the thing they are both such good kids and very smart. My daughter is trying hard to reel in the situation and he feels guilty about how he has almost sort of overnight become consumed with thoughts of sexual stuff with her. They are both very open with each other I'm hoping they can work it out together without there being any huge mistakes I'm just kinda hanging around in case I"m needed for help

  • well you are right - I'm not sure I condone the first part but that said when my son is 14 that mind set may change LOL

    as for the boy - yah you are right - he needs to reach down and introduce Mr Happy to mother thumb and her four daughters.

    its normal at his age and so is experimenting regarding magazines video and friends.

    Your daugher however is smart enough not to go there at her age so he has to find another relief valve for the pressure build up and trust me it is hormonal at his point and very hard to control

    I put a boy going through puberty up there with a woman havnig her period some people have extremes in both catagories hormonally and emotionally.

    It will be hard to talk to them whitout giving away how you figured things out

    do you know a boy who is close tho his age that you can talk freely with? another boy is less likely to be intimidating or uncomfortable for him.

    the other thing is you hope someone throws out some p*rn for him to find and relieve himself with LOL

    Honestly I don' tknow you are in a tough postition and I feel for you -

Most Helpful Girls

  • Honestly I applaud you just talk to her about sex and abstinance. Let her know you support her and love her and trust she will follow her heart and do the right thing sex can be a difficult subject. I got pregnant at 17 and I would not change what hapend because I love my daughter dearly and I was mature and responsible enough to raise her. I feel my mom got to the sex talk at the right time just not the peer pressure talk. Tell her you went through her phone oh well your a concerned parent and you pay that phone bill. My mother used to check everything in my room and I am very grateful she was a hands on mom if she wouldn't have taught me responsibility for your actions I would be royaly screwd right now. I saw my friends go to jail and freak out because they got pregnant. What did I do I accepted it worked hard to get into college and worked my butt off for my baby. So no going through her phone is not wrong. You could probably talk to him to give him an ultimated let him understand you do not feel comfortable with him kind of pressuring your daughter. Say when the time is right you'll even buy the dang condoms for them until then get him a dirty magazine hell b fine

  • I do not think that you should talk to the boyfriend. But have a talk with your daughter in general. Don't tell her you read her journal. Just say that you are happy she has such a nice young man and that you like him. Then tell her you know that with a relationship like theirs comes a lot of pressure that she may feel as she starts to have growing feelings for him (use your own words here). Let her know that she can come to you anytime to talk with you about it and hope that she will use her own judgement to not feel like she needs to do anything with him that she is not ready for. Let her use you to be the bad guy, like "my mom would kill me." Teach her to stand up for herself. He may have masturbation problems, but that's his problems not yours, you are raising a daughter. Concentrate on her.

    Good luck mom.

    • I do like him a lot but his confusion about masterbation doesn't have to be my daughters confusion and I have discussed with her at length that she needs to set the boundries and not feel guilty about doing something just because HE wants to do something for her(I'm not naive enough to think that there isn't some sexual stuff going on) doesn't mean she has to reciprocate if she's told him she isn't ready for that. I've told her she shouldn't be embarrassed to discuss sexual stuff with me.

  • A daughter's POV,

    I don't want to tell my mother bout "stuff" that goes on with my boyfriend cause it's just weird to explain.. and I'm sure it is for her too.

    But you've gotta trust her! You've gotta trust that you've brought her up to realize right from wrong and to come to you if she's ever in trouble.

    And bout reading the texts, DON'T DO IT AGAIN! Nothing breaks trust like reading something personal.

    If she finds out that you read her texts, she probably won't trust you enough if (god forbid) something goes wrong.

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What Girls & Guys Said

8 27

  • It sounds to me like your daughter actually is dealing with this in an appropriate way. I understand that it's hard to watch your child deal with something when you so badly want to step in and help and tell them everything will be OK. Unfortunately for you, this is all a part of growing up and there are times when things need to be left to play out. As long as your daughter knows your there if she needs to talk that's great. Don't forget to imagine how you would feel if your own parents wanted to talk to you about your sex life, in detail. The guy on the other hand, it sounds like he has issues that go much deeper and he may need some therapy, or at least someone to talk to that he can trust that isn't one of his parents. It might also be a good idea to find another adult that can be trusted that these kids can talk to; a school guidance counselor, a pastor, someone they and you can trust. They might be uncomfortable talking about some issues with their parents.

    • you know what she really is and I'm proud of her, he's also respectful so he feels pretty guilty and she's telling him its OK that she understands she just wants their relationship to be more than just sexual feelings and that they're too young for any serious sexual stuff and he agrees but is eager... considering how they talk to each other(they are shockingly honest it's strange but refreshing) they tell each other everything about their feelings I'm hoping she'll help him work through it.

  • It is really good that she has told him all of that. Because sometimes it can be hard to say no, and risk the other person getting angry. But I feel like if you haven't had the talk with her, ya may just want to bring something up. Not about you reading her texts, because even though she is doing the right thing, she may get embarassed that you know so much about what they talk about.

  • Ooooh my Goooood! Bad enough that you use your daughter's private information to even CONSIDER lecturing her about her most intimate feelings... You actually use them to spy on a third party! A teenage boy! Whether or not he masturbates (sp.) is no business of yours. The fact that he does not, and that you feel this puts your daughter in jeopardy, does not give you any privileged right to the information. Your extraordinarily knowledge of his family's sex addiction "issues" adds further detail to an unflattering portrait of you as a prurient busybody — someone who will not draw the line even at her own daughter's sexual awakening, for sources and stimuli to feed her own proxy sex-life. If you have real and genuine concerns about how fast Miss is moving, address that directly. But her own conservative mores suggest that you have no such legitimate issues (!) there, and that your pretended worry about them is merely a pretext for prying. Yeeeeeaccchhh, poor girl!

    • well I guess I'm officially spanked. lol First of all I don't apologize for keeping up with what my minor child is doing and with whom. Secondly I know about the sex addiction issues from this boys own mother not because I was a busy body. thirdly you seem to be pretty judgmental yourself since you don't know me at all and you're making a lot of assumptions about me and my sex life. You know what they say about assuming...fourthly I never planned to lecture her and have said so over and over.

    • @windowlight: retard. Shut up if you don't have anything fair to say.

    • I thought what he said * was* fair...

  • You are the mother of a 14 year old girl you have every right to be concerned, especially this day in age. They are too young to be fooling around like that nd he is obviously making her uncomfortable, sit down and have a heart to heart with her, and talk about sex not about the texts. tell her you know she maybe getting curious and she may have questions and that she can talk to you about anything be open and receptive that's important get her to open up to you.

  • Yeah, he should probably masturbate once per week so that he cools off.

    When too much testosterone is built up in a guy, they go crazy and want to have sex to release their hormones. Testosterone is what drives a male to get things done. To pursue things. To go after girls.

    If the male lacks testosterone though, he will become more lethardic and lazy, like nothing matters.

    Girls ask why their boyfriends won't talk to them after sex - well it's because of that. The chemical release completely changes us to a lazy, relaxed state.

    • Haha nah I'm not. Are you though? I mean, look at your name! I've just done the research. Testosterone climaxes at 7 days. So THAT'S when a male will start acting more sexual. Sex once a week is good enough and considered 'moderate'. Twice a week or more is, perhaps, too much.

    • masturbation also makes you hungry for sex or more masturbation.

    • Indeed. Don't fall down that path of being a sex addict. Your hormones shouldn't be wasted or treated like it's no big deal. Very unhealthy.

  • Hmm well be open and talk to your daughter, not like akwardly, I'm 19 and still get creeped out when my mom tries to talk to me to deeply about sex etc. But I started dating my Boyfriend when I was 15 and have been with him since and honestly a lot of how things will turn out really depends on her, and how you talk to her about him, for example I waited to have sex with him til a month b4 I turned 18 because I knew I wasn't ready from how my mom explained things. I would suggest taking her to a sex Dr.or gyno and getting all the info, std, pregnancy, infections, emotions, everything that sex can bring prepare her for it, tell her that you are there for her every step of the way and that you will be there without judgment when she feels she is ready to start becoming active with bjs and sex. I really wish my mom would have talked to me more and listened when I tried to talk to her about sex when I actually needed it. I hope this helps lol good luck :)

  • Can you list for us all the activities in & out of school that could occupy your daughter other than this guy? One of those would be to take care of a baby doll as if she was alive for just a week. Even in a small town, I could list 10 organized things that would keep her happy & healthy all her waking hours. She'll take care of sending him the masturbation message if busy enough.

    • "take care of a baby doll as if she was alive for just a week" > this is part of what teaches kids that pregnancy is okay at a young age -.-

  • Then you probably should. I'll have problems for the rest of my life for not masturbating enough. I had so much semen built up that it caused an infection in my prostate, & that can NEVER go away, just go dormant. I can't have caffiene, spicy foods or anything that speeds the metabolism, and not masturbating/having sex enough, as well as too much, can cause an attack that is AGONIZING! Also, his doing that would make him less eager & your daughter less uncomfortable, & hhim too for that matter. You're an awesome mom for wanting to help...

    • So that's why I can eat habernero peppers by the bushel and wash it down with coffee by the gallon.

    • That's YOU! I CAN'T! I have a PERMANENT PROSTATE INFECTION, and if I take more than 2 sips of Coke or any other caffienated soft drinks I'll spend the next 3 hours pissing razor blades! I can handle coffee in small doses somehow, but more than 1/4 of a cup, same problem! If I didn't have THAT, I'd be able to drink N eat that way too. Now, when you get the same condition, we'll talk...

  • I don't know what church he goes to, but the bible says stay away from all sexual impurity.

    Fornication or masturbation, they are both a sin. Sex is to be enjoyed by married couples, ie not a guy and his hand.

    Sexual ventures only leads to more lust. Mr Right hand won't solve anything.

    "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).

    • Masturbation is actually healthy as it has the same function as nocturnal ej. but I've also heard it causes premature ej. and desensitizes you, so who knows which one is true.. Religion is nice and all as long as it's not just an irrational limit for your actions.

    • Awesome answer.I agree with every detail Hello-World

    • Probably because in the days when the bible was written, there were no effective barrier contraceptives like the condom, and if everyone had sex with everyone else, there'd be STD's spread left, right and center. Masturbation is a necessary part of a healthy and happy sex life.

    • Show All

  • I have been spanking it since age 4 (probably earlier) and I'm 100% faithful. There is a chemical in the brain they have found to be absent in those adults who aren't faithful. That has nothing to do with masturbation.

    • IA with you totally and I don't know for SURE that's where it stems from I'm just guessing. He's quite proud of the fact that he's never done it and he just casually mentioned the thing about it can mess you up later in life. I have no idea where he got that from of course I just think whoever told him that is cruel.

    • I know a few parents who have screwed up their kids by telling them things that are more generalizations of the opposite sex. It's sad and sometimes those kids never get over it.

    • i'm hoping that they can work through this together. they're very open with each other (a damn lot more open than I ever was at their age) about their feelings on everything. So I do think she could help him work through this and not feel ashamed or worried about masterbation

  • You write that your choice is "talk to her" or "let her handle it her way", but it's not necessarily either-or.

    You could:

    -tell her your opinions ("A good nut would do that boy a lot of good"),

    -express your values ("There's no need to go straight to intercourse; there are many ways to be intimate that are just as valid"),

    -engage her in dialogue ("What do you think you'd be comfortable with?)

    and *still* leave the choice in her hands.

    • yeah I'm just gonna tell her that I know that after 6 months things might be heating up but that doesn't mean she's gonna have to do things she isn't ready for. that masterbation on their own is a good way to suppress those desires. thanks for your comments. everyone's comments are helping me get my thoughts together on how to approach her about this. you guys have been A LOT of help to me :)

  • You need to tell him that its actually unhealthy to not masturbate at least once every 3 days. Sperm can't stay backed up for so long without having negative biological side effects. This, especially since he's at an age capable of pumping sperm 3-4 times per day. He no doubt goes "halfway" with ejaculations, causing sperm to retract and die. This can cause infection.

    Here is a link that further explains it.

    link

    • think I'll mention that to the daughter TR . I'm gonna try to get her to tell me about it by bringing it up in regards to her. That should be interesting lol

  • u sound like a good mum, what's bf's mum like. if she won't do the talk maybe you should for the sake of your daughter but speak to daughter first about doing so.

  • p.s maybe you daughter needs to know about vibrators too? at least that they exist not necessarily to encourage.

    come lady, I'm sure you have one too and so do most women. its not a big deal anymore and will be less of a deal in a future and your daughter will be 36 to 45 one day too. you want her to be worrying about this stuff that you are? or would you rather that she KNOWS how to handle it straight up without being embarrassed. kids are resilient and are more like young adults, totally unprepared for the world but old enough to be treated seriously.

  • Well, you could talk with him directly about it... or would that be too much of a Mrs. Robinson thing? ;)

  • It sounds like you have the right idea. Have the talk with her, about how the safest sex is masturbation, and they should absolutely know how to please themselves, before they even begin to entertain the idea of pleasing someone else.

    • absolutely.

  • This is what's happening, Sister.

    Many inhumane individuals use the knowledge of wisdom to accomplish their twisted desires.

    #1 He perfectly is aware of the situation.

    #2 He is capable of controlling his "hormones". It's in the Bible.

    #3 Genereate a set-up, and trick him by stating she isn't ready until she gets married.

    And you will evidently witness, "The prince of her dreams", will attempt an escape in no time.

    Sincerely, Michael Magnanimous.

    • LOL

    • oh he was totally onboard with the 'we'll wait till we get married' thing BEFORE he got alittle bit of the forbidden fruit and now he's all crazed for it seriously he needs right hand therapy. he's ashamed of how bad he wants it AND he's ashamed to take care of it himself. Seems a choice is a comin one way or the other and I just don't want it to be the wrong one lol

    • According to the bible: He is now son of Satan for influencing his own fellow brothers&sisters to commit more sins. We shall strictly obey the words of enlightment and send him to hell where he obviously belongs. According to the bible...

  • Good For You Mom,You pay the bill on that little texter thingy You have every right to read it...Yay You! the horny boyfriend,lol, He gonna be like that till He is 24 years old,He can wank His wink till He is sore,He still gonna be horny,its hormones.

  • I mean no justifications in my previous statement on comments

  • lololololololololol ha ha he he heheh! stay out of there sh*t mom. sounds like nice kids. So lay off a little, huh?

    • sigh they are very nice kids and I do feel guilty for reading her texts but they're SO YOUNG still to back off too much. :\

    • ok look your a masterbation expert right? pthhh Sorry I see in my head justification for your actions. Let her grow. The more you push the more you'll have to catch up. You will for ever be trying to chase her when she can simply come to you. Sad shame...now stop it.

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