Question about BDSM - I need advice on dating a Dom, please read

[Anonymous]

I have been worrying about this a lot and maybe hoping there might be some guys that come under the dominant category that can help, but anyone welcome to answer please. I am really in love with my boyfriend. We've been together months now and I honestly love him so much, but recently I've started to become a bit tormented in my emotions. He's never hidden from me what he is like and has liked and done, though he's always told me never to worry, he loves me, I'm his baby and he's going to take care of me etc.. and I do believe he means exactly what he says to me.. but, I'm starting to wonder whether even though he means it, if it will still be too much for him to stick to.. In the past he's had a lot of master/submissive relationships and he likes to be the one in control. He has spanked me and does stuff like order me to get over his knee, which I really don't want to do, and then stuff like trying to feel my ass and slip his finger in, and just telling me exactly what he wants. I also found out he actually used to date on a bdsm dating site specifically looking for submissive partners there, which made me a little apprehensive I guess. I'm a very gentle person and loving and thrive on kindness. Maybe I am a little submissive in nature but that Doesn't make me an actual submissive, if you get what I mean. like just because I can cook a good meal, it Doesn't make me a chef! It's just the more I think about him as that Dom guy, it scares me and upsets me. I'm just so confused because I truly am in love with him, I know he is in love with me, he is my perfect man and then I feel guilty for worrying about something he's been so honest about, but as a women who is afraid of losing control and Doesn't get turned on by being treated rough, I just have this worry somewhere deep inside that somethings going to go wrong one day. He is a real Dom, - he's quite a bit older than me, and seriously have you watched any bdsm p*rn ever? those Doms are scary as hell! and the guy I know and love now isn't like that, but the guy he used to be was. can you see why I'm confused? I just need some sound outside advice I feel! I do think I'm worrying more than I should be a long way, but I just would love to hear some other opinions if there's anyone on this site who feels they have some experience. I do want to make clear I am completely in love with this man, even if that sounds illogical from what I've said above.

[lisalu]

Ok. I completely understand what you are saying!

I am a Woman, but I have also been a female Mistress! I did this for years as a result of a very traumatic experience as a teen (rape) I turned to dominating men. I enjoyed having the upper hand. I worked professionally at a fetish house and also managed personal BDSM relationships at home.

I can tell you this much. It is still in me deep down. It's a fetish, everyone has some form of a fetish..it just varies on the degree in which they enjoy it.

I have a happy relationship with a man that is not into anything that I have experienced before. He has NO ties to BDSM and he knows about my extensive past. The reason I can have this relationship with him is because I RESPECT what he likes and does not like. I would never pressure him into doing things he is not interested in doing. I would never entertain the thought of commanding or demanding he do something for me because I can. That part of my life is over, but I certainly have not forgotten about what I have a fetish for.

You should NEVER do something you are not comfortable doing. Those BDSM relationship and meeting sites are for people that are looking for similar things. Your boyfriend should be respectful of your feelings towards this matter. Never demand you do things (especially when you actually DON"T want to) If this is the case, he is not for you. Trust me.

My partner has occasionally said to me... "I want you to make me your bitch" OK I say, but it is not something I expect,demand or control him into doing. He wanted to do it because he was curious... He didn't like it. And I have to respect that.

If your guy can not be respectful of your feelings and you are uncomfortable in his actions towards you. He needs to look for a more willing participant.(and I don't mean that with any disrespect. You have every right to NOT like that type of lifestyle and treatment.) If you allow it to happen...You will soon find yourself in a hole full of self loathing, pity, low self esteem etc..and he will use that to his advantage. Talk to him, tell him your position on the matter, be firm and don't compromise your own self worth for the pleasure of another...unless that is what you want (and in your case it seems not!) good luck hun. Remember a relationship is about 2 people!

[Asker]

thank you, it really helps to hear from someone with experience from the dominant point of view. I do think he means what he says, I don't think he ever means to make me do something I don't want to, and I need to speak out a bit more too because I know I'm naturally shy so I need to work on communicating. but thank you you're answer has really lifted me. I really want our relationship to work and I think we can get there :)

[lisalu]

You are welcome! Your relationship will work with mutual respect. Just remember though, just because HE likes that lifestyle doesn't mean you have to get involved... And if he can't live without that part of his life.it's obviously not the right relationship for you. My fiance and I love each other very much.I have come from a strong fetish background! But am happy to put that behind me for an awesome EQUAL relationship. Your guy needs to evaluate and decide if he can give you the same respect.

[lisalu]

If not...that should also be ok..but he needs to not expect it from you. You do not have to attend any meetings if you don't want to. My finace was very direct and honest about not being interested or wanting to be involved. AND THAT IS OK WITH ME. :)

[BluMac81]

I'm fascinated at the fact that you became a mistress because of the experience of being raped as a teen. I wonder if these type of negative experiences with males are what propel those few dominant females to become what they are. Very interesting. :) I'm a sub male myself... and I use sites like collarme.com and alt.com and the primary reason for going there is finding others in the BDSM community, because they are hard to find in the vanilla world, and are few in numbers as it is.

[BluMac81]

Oh and lisalu is exactly right when she said how doms should never do something to the sub that they are not comfortable with, if it is important to the dom then they should bring it up when out of character and ask if the sub is comfortable with it, or interested in stepping out of a comfort zone, etc., It's good to see a dom female who isn't a total b*tch by the way, for whatever reason dom ladies these days treat men like dirt 24/7 regardless, its just not right

[rachiee]

Sex unfortunately is a big thing in a long lasting relationship. With that being said it can make or break some relationships if either one or both of the people allow it to. My opinion is that if you aren't pleasing him then later on down the road he may get tired of that and go look somewhere else to fulfill his sexual desires. I suggest that you become open minded about it and try new things but if you're just not into then you're just not into it. The best thing for you guys to do is to meet in the middle and come to an agreement. Ask him what are some things he'd like to do or things that he'd like for you to do that you're comfortable with doing. Set rules. For instance, only do one thing if you have a safe word or if he doesn't take it too far, etc. I also think that if you guys were to share fantasies then that would help as well. Its all about give and take. Do things for him but only if he's willing to do things that you like in return. Unless you're completely grossed out or extremely uncomfortable with it then I suggest you at least try it because unfortunately some people will wander out of their relationship if they aren't getting what they want, it sucks but that's human nature to some people.

[Anonymous]

This is probably to late to help you in particular but for anyone else in this situation please please listen.

You need to get out of that relationship RIGHT NOW. I was told the same thing and I did not, and it is a big regret.

He is trying to dominate you with out your consent, and he should NOT conjole or push you into being a sub if you do not want to (which it really seems like you do not). It sounds like he is trying to make you be a sub, when that is not what you agreed to when you started dating and not what you want. He is doing things to you without your consent (consent is not a case of 'not saying no' it has to be SAYING 'yes).

You will find someone of a similar sexual preference who loves you and respects you. This man does not respect you as he is doing things to you with out your permission, and how can you love someone you do not respect.

Please leave this relationship before he does something to you that causes you trauma. All the best, I really hope this worked out ok xxx

[l-hedoniste]

Ask your man to take you to a munch, he should know what and where one is. It's a gathering of kinky people in a vanilla atmosphere--usually a restaurant--where novices and the experienced gather to talk, ask, and answer questions. You don't seem to have clear idea of what doms are and what they do (nor subs and what they do, for that matter) and it would do you good to interact with some real-life doms to understand how their relationships actually work.

Domination and submission usually occurs within clearly defined, thoroughly discussed boundaries. A dom would almost never ask a sub to be submissive always and everwhere, and it's typically a gross breach of etiquette to do so. Such a request could mark a dom as being immature, clueless, or dangerous.

Sexual submissiveness has nothing whatever to do with submissiveness generally. Domination that is erotic in a sexual context would be merely threatening in a nonsexual context, which could provoke an assertive, even savage response from a submissive; they must be sensitive to where their boundaries are and when they're being breached, especially without their consent.

Domination can take many forms, not necessarily roughness. It can be punishment, ritual, commands, humiliation, restraint--any scenario where a clear imbalance of power exists. It's one reason why BDSM negotiations tend to be so thorough; if you're a spanking dom, you may or may not want to hook up with a bondage sub.

Something you really should know by now: Porn. Is. Not. Real! P*rn is made by actors enacting fantasy scenarios. BDSM p*rn doesn't resemble BDSM any more than p*rn generally resembles sex generally. If it gets you off, then fine, but you *must not* use it as any form of information or guidance.

Do some reading (Wiseman's SM101, or anything by Dossie Easton) talk to some real doms and subs, talk to your man. Get the facts.

[Asker]

ok I get some of what you're saying, but I don't want to go to a munch or whatever it is. I don't like that lifestyle and don't want to be a part of it. I'm extremely vanilla if you want to put it that way. my guys said he's fine with that, I've just been worrying inside that maybe he won't be, but I do think its just me being insecure. but thank you for the informative answer

[l-hedoniste]

Please reconsider the munch. First, it is, at worst, just a long dinner. The most that would be asked of you is that you tip nicely. Their purpose is to inform, not frighten. Also, you owe it to your man, before you decide to reject that part of his personality, to understand what that part is. You're free--in fact, encouraged--to reject BDSM if you discover it's not for you. But you want to first make sure that you're actually rejecting BDSM, rather than some media-fueled caricature of it.

[Asker]

i don't want to reject that part of my man, I want to accept that yes that was important to him. but I can't explain, I just know beyond doubt I'm not happy about getting involved with bdsm in my life. I know its doesn't turn me on or excite me, its just not for me. I know that without a doubt. of all the things you describe about a real bdsm relationship in your answer above scare me and the idea of letting someone have so much control over me however much they love me, I know its just not for me

[Asker]

^ for example, I don't even like light bondage and blindfolds put on me in the bedroom! just give me a bed of rose petals and some champagne lol

[l-hedoniste]

Scary? That's a powerful word. What about BDSM scares you so?

[Asker]

" ...punishment, ritual, commands, humiliation, restraint--any scenario where a clear imbalance of power exists.." i don't want to have no power or control or any of the above. the thought of a guy treating me in any of those ways makes me want to cry. and even more so thinking that the man I love would want do something like that to me. .. I don't understand how punishment, humiliation..etc etc.. how any of those can be love?

[jacquesvol]

I don't have first hand experience but second hand will do, since I got it from a very intelligent girl nearing 30 and deep in BDSM - she's a 'switch'.

A few remarks that don't cover everything:

1.

-A dom might get carried away, thus you need a guy who has absolute (101%) self control.

-You MUST have a STOP-word which stops all activities at once and which has to be respected at all times, but never used in vain.

2.

I don't like :

"He is a real Dom, - he's quite a bit older than me ", you being 20 or so.

"In the past he's had a lot of master/submissive relationships": in short, you're his new and willing TOY.

"the guy I know and love now isn't like that, but the guy he used to be was."

Either he changed or he's playing a comedy. Why?

3.

You're writing about having a kid: how are you going to explain submissiveness without pushing the kid into that for the rest of its life? (those things are best discovered at 20, even at 25, NOT when still a child, an empty slate)

...

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[jacquesvol]

(I'm plain vanilla myself, so is my wife)

[AustinMan]

I'm so sorry that you're caught on the horns of this dilemma. As a top, I know where's he's coming from. I feel like, based on what I hear you saying, you're really not going to make it together. He needs to inflict pain and control over his sex partner and that's not you. Don't feel badly about not wanting to submit to his kinky sexual needs. You're just mismatched sexually and as a guy who's been there, he'll go find it somewhere else. If you can have an open relationship where you have lovers, go for it but it takes a toll emotionally.

[bridgeyyyx]

Hey! Don't be scared. He loves you. Just tell him your not into the BDSM Scene

And that it makes you uncomfortable.

I love bdsm, but I would never do it to someone I loved if they were uncomfortable. Though it qould be incredibly hard not to! Lol! Its just because that's how some of us BDSM-ers express love... so I say just be yourself and don't feel pressured, just TELL HIM you don't like it!

[charlottewinters]

Just talk to him. If he doesn't know that this makes you uncomfortable then he won't do anything to change it.

[jacquesvol]

If he's a Dom, making he sub uncomfortable is part of the 'pleasure'

[l-hedoniste]

A sub could answer this so much better, but...

It's completely wrong to think that the submissive has no control. To the contrary, these exertions are primarily for the subs benefits.

How does someone find love in taking commands or being bound. I don't know, I'm not a sub. But I know subs that do, who expect it from any loving partner. Of course, if you go to the munch, you can ask them directly what they find in what they do. (Please, please go.)

[Asker]

i do see why you say to go, but when I know I don't want to go down that route at all, I don't see why I need to. but I'll think about it. though I know 100% I do not enjoy anything to do with bdsm lifestyle and sex.

[anaspie]

Do your homework! She want's you to worship her and you need to be able to understand the kind of relationship she needs.