Sexual Health
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I nearly killed my sisters abusive boyfriend today and now she hates me?

I'm a marine and I recently came back home. I'm 21 and my sister is 4 years older than me. I've known for a while now that she's been in an abusive relationship but she also seems to be madly in love with the guy that has been abusing her. I didn't know he was actually hitting her though until today. I went to see her today and I noticed that she had bruises on her arms and one on her face. I asked her what happened and she said she fell down the stairs. I wasn't buying it and kept asking her to tell me the truth. She finally broke down and told me that he got drunk and hit her during an argument they had. She begged me to just let it go but how could I do such a thing? My sister is all I have. We lost our parents when we were kids and she pretty much raised me. And now I was supposed to just ignore the fact that an abusive asshole has been using her as a punching bag for stress relief? Oh no. I was planning on just talking to the guy but unfortunately for him he came home from work while I was still there and things got out of control pretty fast. I happened to be in the bathroom when he came so he didn't know I was there. He had seen my shoes and instantly started calling my sister a whore and yelling at her. I was still in the bathroom when I heard the yelling but I came out pretty f***ing fast, and just in time to see him punch my sister. I f***ing lost it. No control. I beat the sh*t out of him and I probably would have killed him if my sister didn't stop me. My sister started crying and called me a monster. I've been hurt before but no physical pain can match what I felt when I saw the look on my sisters face. I've never seen her like that. She looked so terrified and it really hurts to know that I was the cause of that. What else could I have done? Sit there and talk things out after I saw him HIT my sister right in front of me? I tried to comfort my sister after but she told me she never wanted to see me again. I couldn't care less about the guy, in fact I would do it again if I could, but I'm scared that I lost my sister. I left after she said she never wanted to see me again so I don't even know what happened. I'm expecting the police at my door soon but honestly I could care less. I'm just worried for my sister. She hates me right now and I don't know if she'll ever forgive me.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Sorry, but I am going to disagree with most of the people on here. Sure. The guy deserved it and more, and you were right to step in to stop him, but by beating him you put yourself at a liability. If the police had been called, not only was it obvious you did much more than stop the abuse (you left him unconscious), but abused partners often protect their abuser. She probably would have said you started it and she was not really abused, even though you are her brother.

    And in your case, it would be much worse. Your arrest would get back to your command, and if you were locked in jail long enough, you would have been listed as UA, an offense directly against the military. You could have gotten a civilian record and a military record from this, and your sister would probably still have been with the abuser.

    You think he may dump her. Could be, but she might very well find another abuser to take his place. Part of the problem with the abused partners is that they believe that they deserve to be abused, so they look for it.

    You were right to protect her, but when you continued to punish him after he stopped hitting her, you would probably be found legally wrong.

    Remember that you will be no protection for her from jail.

    Like I said at the beginning, he deserved it. Most of us would be thrilled that he got his. But you stand to lose the most if the law gets involved, mostly because your sister would side with him.

  • There's a very complicated set of psychological issues that arise in abusive relationships. She probably feels that she needs him and that his actions were somehow justified. She might feel like he's the best she can do. There's likely a cycle that occurs where things are great for a while then problems slowly escalate until he becomes abusive. Then they reconcile and things become better again for a little while before he goes back to being abusive. What happens is that the abused person loses their self esteem during the abuse. They feel worthless and unlovable. Then they become addicted to the abuser's attention when they reconcile.

    This doesn't mean that she won't forgive you. However, this is probably going to be a difficult process. It's important to get her away from him, as I'm sure you're already aware. You might find some useful information on what to do here: link

    • I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure she leaves him. Although I'll be really surprised if he doesn't leave her after what happened. That would be a good thing but she would probably blame me for it.

    • Dude I gotta tell you something I know this was probably 5yrs from now but I'm having the same problem my sister has and abusive boyfriend. He is good for a while then abusive again, just like your story I was in the bathroom and my sister and her boyfriend were arguing so I was kinda nosey but I know this guy was gonna hit her I was waiting to see if he would of hit her then I hear a head hit I came out the bathroom separating him from hitting her then the guy starts poking my in the chest like I was trying to assault him so I get mad my sister comes out the room separating us while she's in the middle of us I try punch the crap out of him only getting a glimps of his face. At the age I am now 14 years old to probably a 23, 21 year old man I was a little frighten because he's like kind of a thug this guy is threatening me telling me that I got some nerves , Saying When he catches me stuff like that my sisters just like go in the room pushing to death so I went in the room now there back

    • Together and I'm super pissed because she got beaten by him before. There always arguing. by the way I was meaning your comment was 5 years old this stuff is happening now.

Most Helpful Girls

  • He deserved it. She'll get over it. Right now she has Stockholm Syndrome. A lot of abused victims end up being conditioned to identify with their abuser and think they deserve the abuse. She's lashing out at you because she feels that she deserved the abuse and he is the only one that loves her.

    I am so proud of you he deserved it! I'm not mad at you at all! I hope the police don't do anything to you, it probably won't even go to trial and you will get off. Seriously think about it, you're a Marine which gets you lots of respect plus you did it to save your sister, you don't think the cops won't take that into account?

    All the idiots telling you that hitting him was wrong need to go eat a d***. Guys like that don't respond to words or just being kicked out. The best way to deal with an abuser is have a bigger tougher guy physically handle him which is what you did. I commend you for that and you get my respect

    I'm a girl and I would hurt someone who abused my sister. I would just stab or shoot him though since I can't really beat a guy up. But she needs psychological help and support.

  • Your A Great Brother.And Ehat You Did Was Rigt In My Opinion. You Need To Get Your Sister Away From Him And Helo He Understand What He's doing Is Not Right At All. It'll Take Her A While But If Se Doesn't Seem To Want To Get Away The Get The Cops Involved. Things Can Get Out Of Hand Very Quickly In These Type Of Situations. I Grew Up Watching My Father Beat My Mom All The Time. He Almost Killed Her Once And Had A Pair Of Scissors at Her Throat But My Big Brother (who is aLso a Marine!) Who Was Only About Five At The Time Saved Our Mom By Screaming At My Dad To Stop And Pounding His Fist On His Back. I Know That It Won't Stop She Has To Get Away. She Might Be Very Upset But It'll Save Her And She'll thank You I'm The Long Run. Beung In An Abusive Relationship Is No Way To Live. Be Smart And Calm Because Things Could Go Bad And You Can End Up Killing Him Or Worst He'll Try To Kill Your Sister. Call The Cops And Get Your Sister Out Of There..

    I Really Do Hope Your Sister Is Okay And Good Luck.

  • Of course you did the right thing by stopping him but to be honest no, beating the sh*t out of him wasn't the best idea. You could have done that without beating him, like just kicking his ass out. But I get that you lost it when you saw him beating your sister, since she seems to be the most important person in your life.

    I'm not trying to analyze anything, but with what you said and how your sister behaved I think it's pretty clear that she needs help. You said you two lost your parents, she might have "abandonment issues" and that's one of the reasons she acted like that. What she said must have hurt you really bad, but I'm pretty sure that she didn't mean it.

    I hope that the guy leaves her alone and after a while I think she will reach out to you, and if not you should just try again and talk to her. You reaction maybe scared her, but after all you are her brother, you two seem really close and I'm sure she loves you just as much as you love her.

    good luck to you both.

  • Sooner or later, hopefully sooner, she will realize what an amazing brother she has in you. You did the right thing. Only a coward would sit back and watch another man hit a woman, whether or not they knew them. I wish I had the faith in my brothers that they would do the same for me, would I ever be in that situation and sadly, I think the answer is no. You are amazing and applaud you for what you did to that jerk. Your sister will come around and leave him.

    • Thank you but I'm surprised that you don't think your brothers wouldn't do that for you. It saddens me that you feel that way, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't sit back and just watch if a guy was hitting you.

    • No, they would probably just leave and not help. My ex threatened to put pictures of me up on the internet and when I asked for both of my brothers help they just said oh well. We don't have a relationship because we didn't grow up together so even though I see and know they are my brothers they see me as more of a distant cousin.

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 10

  • You did the right thing..i would probably do the same she's family and knowing what's happening between them, even seeing her being hit.Your sister hates you because she is still emotionally attached to that jerk..she'll realize you did your part on protecting her..just take your cool first when you guys talk again..hope she leaves that jerk sooner

  • Aww, honestly I think it's really cute and sweet of you to do that:)

    But, she is a victim of abuse, sister or not. And she has to want to leave, no one can make her but herself

    • See I'm pretty sure he's gonna leave her after what happened (hopefully he learned his lesson) Of course she's going to be broken hearted and will probably blame me and hate me for it. I know she'll get over it eventually because I know her, but I don't want her doing anything crazy while I'm away. Somehow I doubt she's going to listen to anything I say though.

  • Your sister needs help. You can beat the crap out of this guy until his teeth serve as pavement decor, but that doesn't solve the fact that a grown woman is seeking and putting up with this kind of abuse.

    She may not accept you as a brother, but that should be the least of your worries. She has something going on in her brain that must be addressed and resolved asap. If you don't get her some help, she will find another abusive punk to fall victim to. These beatings can't keep happening, as righteous as they are.

    • I can't help but feel that its my fault she's in this situation though. If I was around it never would have come to this. I don't even think she likes the guy that much but he took care of her (financially I mean) and for some reason she thinks that she has to endure physical abuse.

  • You did the right thing. Women are sometimes irrational about who they stay with and for what reasons they are with the person they are seeing. You are only trying to look out for your family. I can't see any logical reason to hit a female? it is completely out of line. This guy needed you to beat some right into him. Otherwise he will never learn.

    I think that you need to let your sister cool off, and have a talk with her. She needs to re excess the relationship she is in. If someone loves you, they do not hurt you. Try to make her situation better for her. Especially if you are on and off leave. Good luck, I'm sure your sister will forgive you in time.

    • Yeah I'm definitely gonna let her cool off but I don't have that much time. I'm on leave for a month and I don't want her going back to him when I'm gone.

  • She will come around sometime but it might take a little while. Believe me she doesn't want to lose her only brother. From another guys point of view I would have done the same. Aren't we supposed to protect the women we love from stuff like that?

    • I honestly don't see what kind of guy wouldn't have done that. I'm just surprised that she doesn't see what an asshole he is.

  • looks good on him. you did the right thing I think. sooner or later your sister will come back to you. call her in a week or so and see how she's doing and try to talk about what happened.

  • Good on you. You did the right thing and your sister will realize that one day. It's probably just fresh in her mind and she needs some time to process everything. You mentioned she raised you, I doubt she'd cut you off. I don't have a sister but I'm very protective of my female cousins and if I saw a guy hitting one of them, I'd react the exact same way you did. I'm not a marine but I have some mixed martial arts experience.

  • On some level, she knows her boyfriend is an abusive asshole, and is probably afraid of him because of his physical violence.

    This is probably mitigated by the fact that she's being sexually satisfied by him.

    You, on the other hand, just demonstrated to her that you also solve problems in a violent and physically abusive manner. If anything, you're even more dangerous than her boyfriend.

    Her relationship with you, does not depend on her turning a blind eye to your violence.

    If you had been smarter about the whole thing, you would never have let your sister see you lose control to violence like that.

    Meet the guy away from her before you beat the crap out of him. Or send some friends around that can't be traced back to you, and have them break some bones. Put him in traction for a while. Then get your sister out of there.

  • This doesn't answer your question, but you might want to be careful about putting this stuff on the internet. I don't know much about what they can and can't track, but if there's a possibility that it could be used against you in legal proceeding, it might be better just to let it go.

    But on the topic, that really, really sucks, man. That's the most depressing thing I've heard in a long time. It sounds like your sister's in a really bad place. I hope things get better for both of you.

  • Ya she's a victim of abuse and doesn't know what's good for her, etc etc. Idk, but I commend you on beating the sh*t out of him. oo raa devil dog.

  • People like your sister need help. They truly believe that the abuser is the one they love and you hurt him. She doesn't mean it, and the sooner she see's it the better off.

    at the same time, she's an adult, and has to make her own choices, the only thing you can do is try to make her see what she is doing to herself.

    IMO, you should have kicked his ass so hard he wouldn't ever have the ability to hurt her again. If any boy ever laid their hand on my sister and I found out about it, he would never walk again.

    • I'm pretty sure he's not going to be walking for a few days at least. He was unconscious when I stopped and he's f***ing lucky that my sister stopped me when she did. But it just hurts me that my sister saw me as the bad guy. The look on her face and when she called me a monster. She looked like she was terrified of me, like she didn't know me. I never imagined that she would defend a guy that hits her like that. I just don't understand why she never told me before.

    • Some people are sick and need help

  • I honestly think she'll forgive you sooner or later because I'm sure she wouldn't want to lose an awesome caring brother like you. You looked after her by beating that assholes butt! Try talking to her again and put some sense into her head that the guy isn't worth keeping around anymore. It'll all turn out all okay. Don't worry :)

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