How important is sexual compatibility to you?

This is mostly aimed at experienced girls and guys, but virgins will answer either way. -How important is sexual compatibility to you? -Do you believe those saving sex for marriage are risking compatibility? -Do you think love helps overcome incompatibility? Or is sexual incompatibility is something that cannot be overcome?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • "How important is sexual compatibility to you?"

    Dealbreaker.

    "Do you believe those saving sex for marriage are risking compatibility?"

    Despite what the "sex isn't necessary, only luuuve" crowd says, sexual incompatibility is one hell of a reliable marriage-buster. I wouldn't risk it.

    "Do you think love helps overcome incompatibility?"

    NO.

    See how it works. I'm into threesomes. I cannot imagine my life without them. You despise them, won’t even consider them. The smart thing to do would be to say "incompatible", shake hands, and part. Things are still good, nobody's invested, stakes are low.

    But let's say we're stupid, stupid in luuuve! Or, stupid enough to conceal or ignore sexual deal breakers from each other. We get married, and what happens? I'm miserable, deeply miserable. My sexual imagination is filled with images of lost threesomes.

    The sex will suck, and suck hard, because every time I touch you, I'm reminded that the person who took threesomes from my life, is you. (Really, it's me and my idiotic decision to marry you, but resentment isn't rational.) In the meanwhile, you live in a marriage swimming in resentment.

    Maybe I'll outgrow it, you think. But unfortunately, sexual desire doesn't work that way. (Remember the last gay person you knew who outgrew homosexuality? Exactly.) Year after year, the misery stays, the resentment stays. It's a stinker of a marriage.

    Worst, the resentment is permanent. You will never be what I want--a girl that enjoys threesomes. I will never be what you want--a man that doesn't want threesomes. Counseling can't change this. Communication can't change this. Prayer can't change this. Nothing can change this. Unhappiness is *built into* this marriage.

    So once we've gotten this far, what are our choices? The one option that could save the marriage is for you to say, "Fine, go have your damn threesomes. But one word, one hint about it, and I'm serving you papers." Then you persist in the fantasy that your husband doesn't have and doesn't want threesomes, and your husband, in love and gratitude, applies his full power to enabling your fantasy and being the best husband in the world. I know some rock-solid marriages that work exactly this way.

    Otherwise, you're looking at some kind of unwinding. He lives in misery and finds some way to make you suffer for his resentment. Or he cheats. Or you constantly snipe at him. ("If you loved me, you wouldn't want these things!" One of the dumbest, and most common, sentences in our language.) Or he drinks or drugs or gambles his misery into oblivion. Or you just divorce, which is a long, bitter, messy, expensive way of doing what you should have done in the first place.

    We lie when we tell young people that love fixes everything. It fixes NOTHING. Any divorcee will tell you: Marriage is *work*, relationships are *work*, and they fail horribly unless we're as smart as we are loving; foolish choices in a relationship can burn up all of the love in it. Fast.

  • 1) It's important to me because it's just another level of the relationship. If we are polar opposites in bed, then it puts a strain on our sex life which in turn puts a strain on our overall relationship.

    2) Somewhat, yes. I answered a question like this a day or so ago and said that bed techniques can be adapted to the couple. But like I said in the first part of this answer, if we're polar opposites or just incompatible then it causes an issue.

    3) Again, it depends on the situation. Communication can overcome fixable problems, but nothing overcomes completely different mindsets. You either sacrifice and learn to live with it, or you raise it as an issue and hope you can work things out.

    Overall, I'm sure some people feel that sexual compatibility is kind of a shallow thing to worry about. But I see it like this: I'm a man. Nature has me wired to crave sex. When I don't get it, my natural urges tell me to push for it. If I still don't get it, then it can begin affecting my mood. If it gets bad enough, then my urges tell me to look for it wherever/however I can find it (porn, pressuring the gf/wife for sex, cheating, etc.) I'm not saying I'd cheat or pressure anyone, but the thought is there in the primal part of my brain.

    Secondly, anyone saying disagreeing with me saying that I'm just a "horny guy" if I raise these as issues in a relationship...a relationship to me is supposed to be relaxing. A relationship is supposed to be something where you don't have walls built up, acts to put up, you can be your natural self because that person clicks with it, and vice versa to you. So if I can't be my natural "horny guy" self with my girlfriend, and instead have to be this rigid, forced person that holds my feelings and urges back, how healthy is that for a relationship? My girlfriend or wife is supposed to be the person I go to for a lot of cooperation type things. She's my wife, my caretaker, my sex partner, my person to talk to, etc. and me to her with all of these things. It's a relationship, that means we provide for each other.

    Taken from my Psych teacher, "Yes, I believe it's a woman's 'job' to provide sex for her husband". He didn't mean it like it's an obligation or duty, nor that a man should force sex on a woman because he's entitled to it. He was meaning it like this: Provide for my needs as a man and husband, and I'll provide right back to you for your needs as a woman and a wife.

    • I can't believe that you believe in this mythological crap... Dude, I thought you were more pragmatical than that.

    • Mythological crap? Didn't know there was any of that in there lol

    • Sexual compatibility is mythology. But... I digress, I did not read the rest... I was just puit off by the fact that you humored the questions... LOL My bad... :P

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Most Helpful Girls

  • -Sexual compatibility is very important to me. You usually do not get into a relationship to begin with unless you are attracted to someone, and that includes sexual attraction, hopefully. With that you want to be fulfilled and give sexual fulfillment to your partner. If you are not compatible, you just cannot be satisfied completely. You will always feel that something is missing and then you will go elsewhere to find that, or stay in an unpleasant relationship.

    -Yes, if you are saving it for marriage, I think you are running the risk of being with someone whom you are totally incompatible with. On the other hand, it could turn out great.

    -I do not think you can overcome incompatibility, that's why it's called incompatible. I think people can surely try, but if they are truly willing to do this in the first place, they wouldn't be incompatible. I think that some people may seem to be incompatible but aren't. They are inexperienced and just don't know what to do, so you have to teach your partner what you like & what you want. So speak up & ask for it, Tell them. If they repeatedly refuse or ignore you, then you have yourself a little problem. Relationships cannot be built by sex alone, but they can be made much closer and I think last longer, feeling more intimate.

    • One of the tricky problems with a fetish is the timing it requires. You seem like a good person and yet, based on posts of urs, I think that I might have trouble with u. If we started dating, you would never hear about my fetish until AFTER we had sex at the earliest...because there would be no reason to open up to you that much until then...presumably we would already be in love at that point. So now we get to the crux...either you will bend..or I will go without. And if you wil not bend,

    • then I will not be happy at all...my choices are to go without (if marriage then the rest of my life...and I think we both know better than that) or terminate a good relationship with the woman I love and worry my ass off that she is telling all her friends and family the real reason for our breakup...OR go ahead and marry u...either knowing that I will seek my needs elsewhere or deluding myself that I can live without it...

    • You talking to me? I think you have me wrong? Read me again, lol, the early days. I believe in sexual compatibility. I think you build a relationship first, before you jump on each other, and that means you talk about sex. And you talk about things you like as you begin your sex life together. As I said above, if you are wanting to be together, you want to do for each other & please each other. You don't wait & see. Otherwise it's too late. You know If someone is too ridig early on.

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  • -How important is sexual compatibility to you?

    Very important. I think sex has a significant role in relationships (at least for me) so I think it's important that you and your partner work well sexually.

    -Do you believe those saving sex for marriage are risking compatibility?

    Yes and no. I think that you can generally get a feel of that compatibility through communication and doing stuff short of sex, but I think honesty is necessary. Personally, I believe in the "try before you buy" mindset.

    -Do you think love helps overcome incompatibility? Or is sexual incompatibility is something that cannot be overcome?

    Cannot be overcome, unless you are asexual in which it is not an issue. Love is obviously a huge part of relationships, but at the end of the day so is sex. Sex is there for intimacy, passion, expression, satisfaction, etc. People who say it isn't important aren't doing it right.

  • 1) A must. Sex is an important part of a relationship and compatibility is important.

    2) Yes. Sex is an important part of a relationship. People have different wants and needs. I feel like before you join yourself 'forever' with someone else, you should make sure you're compatible.

    3) Only for people who don't care that much about sex.

    • Humph...did not take you long to get a Down Arrow...but I agree...and I will give you an Up Arrow...=D

    • Oh well at the two down arrows. Thank you taster :)

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • 1) It is a MYTH! A myth propogated by people that do not communicate with theuir sexual partner to find out if they are willing to do something together. Utter bullsh*t. If you believe in it, you aught to place teeth under your pillow and wait for dollars. Only sexual incompatability is between humans and beasts... We ain't talking bestiality, so it is a myth.

    2) again, MYTH...

    3) Love is love, incompatability of sex is myth.

    Anyone believing in this hydraulic cat sh*t of sexual compatibility must don't know how to communicate with their lover or whateber... Let alone know not of compromise.

    • Uh, people people can be emotionally and sexually incompatible, but ok

    • Personality incompatability I can agree with... But sexual? MYTH.

    • I disagree and so does every other user, but you're entitled to your opinion

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  • Sex is very important in any relationship, because we are in nature very sexual beings.

    -I don't think everyone is compatible from the get go, I know I wasn't, my first time was terrible, but we kept at it and became very compatible through trial and error, we both were also very open and supportive of each others needs and wants in bed.

    -No sex before marriage can only work if both parties agree to it, though their first time will totally suck and might be regarded as an omen for a doomed marriage in their thoughts. I know this, because that was the thought of a very religious friend of mine on his marriage night.

    -Nah, if both parties suck and they are both passive and don't want to better it, you can have all the spiritual love in the world, but physical love is just as important.

    These are my opinions on the subject.

  • Very.

    Yes.

    No. I don't think I could go through life not having great orgasms on a fairly regular basis. For myself, it couldn't be overcome. I don't know about anyone else who doesn't care about sex as much as I do.

  • Good Evening Evangelina! Kicking you some dust tonite? LOL!

    1) I believe it is very important

    2) Yes ..there is at LEAST a risk there

    3) Well I started to answer #1 that compatibility is important without flexibility...but after further reflection, I believe that flexibility is inherently a part of compatibility...yes I think that love increases flexibility which increases compatibility...but "incompatible" is unworkable by definition...and I have said this B 4...if I have a couple of "needs" those will still there tomorrow and the day after...I am unwilling to forego & sacrifice these needs for very long...and certainly not a lifetime...I have heard females here on GAG say "if he loves me he won't ask me" but two can play that game..."if she loves me she will want to make me happy...shouldn't even have to ask" And therein lies the conflict...

  • I've been with a girl who I can honestly say that I have had the best sex of my life (so far) with but we didn't really work out cause we wanted different things in terms of relationships. but my girlfriend now have pretty good sex but with our sex was as good as the sex with the girl it didn't work out with.

  • -How important is sexual compatibility to you?

    Sexual compatibility is very important to me.

    -Do you believe those saving sex for marriage are risking compatibility?

    Yes and no, if they talk about their sexual expectations/fantasies before marriage it won't matter as much if they haven't had sex before but if they don't even talk about it that could end up being a big problem if they find out they like totally different things.

    -Do you think love helps overcome incompatibility? Or is sexual incompatibility is something that cannot be overcome?

    I would like to think love can overcome anything but realistically after a few years of no sex or bad sex I don't think most people could be satisfied. For me personally I have a very high sex drive and feel closest to women during sex so if that isn't working out then the relationship is doomed.

    • I guess I must have pissed off an insecure girl that sucks at sex, thanks for the down rate honey. LMAO

    • i think this is a good answer.

    • +1 I give everyone a thumbs up lol

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  • not important at all, I am asexual