Hetero romantic asexual?

[Anonymous]

I like girls. I look at their body I like their perfume and anything else any normal guy likes. I want a relationship... but I don't want sex. I have lost a few girlfriends because of this and come to realize I am an asexual. So after a bit of research I diagnosed myself as a heteroromantic asexual. Meaning I like women (not men) but have no interest in sex. Now I AM capable of sex, I just don't find it enjoyable. This confuses people (because apparently asexuality is not commonly identified as a sexuality because people don't hear about it). I am just curious what other people's opinions are of this, Also... I haven't told my family. They have been wondering why I can't hold a relationship and 9 times out of 10 its because the woman wants sex. I am afraid everyone will treat me like I'm gay. Anyone have questions, comments?

[38rakia38]

It bothers me when people say they're "asexual".

Unless you reproduce asexually, by mitosis, then don't tell me that you're asexual. Because until you split in half and make another one of you, you're not asexual.

I think this "asexuality" is caused by a lack of the proper hormones.

In women, it's estrogen and in men it's testosterone.

I have friends who say they're "asexual", personally, I think it's just a chemical imbalance--a hormonal imbalance. I'm surprised doctors haven't jumped all over this like it's a new epidemic but, to have a lack of response (in the sense of instinct) towards reproducing--that's not natural.

Maybe it's the processed foods we eat, maybe the chemicals, whatever.

Personally I don't understand how someone lacks the natural instinct to breed like a rabbit. Especially as a teenager or going into puberty. I mean, I take hormonal birth control (the mini pill) which is chalk full of hormones--when I'm not taking it--eh I might get in the mood once in a while--but on it--it's all I want.

Honestly, I would check your hormone levels. If it's out of balance this could biologically explain being "asexual".

I think your parents just won't understand, like myself, why or how.

[Asker]

if all humans want to breed like rabbits, then how do you explain gays? Gays can't reproduce. And having no interest in sex has nothing to do with mitosis. Are you a doctor who specializes in hormones? Or did you scim a magazine article? It may be a hormone imbalance... but that must also explain ever sexuality there is other than straight.

[38rakia38]

Gay is supposedly a gene. I'm bi and so is my older half sister, raised by different mothers at different times, so I doubt it's a "nurture" thing. Asexual is a type of reproduction. Sexual reproduction; myosis. Asexual: Mitosis. I'm not a doctor, nor did I read it out of an article. But I've taken enough Biology classes to understand how life works and how bodies work.

[LaLa19Inu7]

Actually asexual can also mean: Lacking interest in or desire for sex; free from or unaffected by sexuality. There are two definitions for it. Both definitions are very different. It is an accurate usage of the word.

[dominiquois]

Lololol. This answer is awesome.

[dominiquois]

Gays CAN reproduce they just aren't sexually attractive to the opposite gender enough to WANT to. There are sterile gay people though just like there are sterile straight ones. There is no gay gene, as it would've been discovered by now like with every other gene. It's not a physical thing you can see like skin color. Yes, straight is the only sexuality that has any biological use because only straight people via romance and sex can reproduce succesfully. Any other romances just produce emotional bonds and pleasurable sex not reproductive sex (though the purpose of sex is first and foremost reproductive) and thus no offspring without other contrived (unnatural) means. Homosexuality is biologically pointless. Asexuality too (as explained above). I know my sister's a lesbian.

[38rakia38]

Gay people are interested in sex. Again, hormones. Just because your partner is another male doesn't mean anything. Hormones trigger arousal, hormones trigger sexual response. They don't have anything to do if you're gay or not. Gay people are just as horny as the rest of us. They just prefer the same gender. You're saying you have 0 sexual interest. That's a hormonal imbalance. Can you still get an erection and have sex? Sure. Blood flow, your body probably produces some semen I'm sure. Go to the Dr, ask to check your T levels. When they come out normal, I'll shut up. But I seriously doubt they will.

[jamiej]

I think this is a super negative approach to something that is /perfectly natural/. Maybe the reason that doctors haven;t 'jumped all over this like it's a new epidemic' because they realise that asexuality, grey-asexuality and others are /just as valid/ as the 'normal' sexualities. It's not about an inability to reproduce. It's about not having the desire to. Which is fine. To the asker - I'm sorry that there's so much negativity on this. You be who you are. Non-ace people often find it hard to understand the 'need' to be asexual. I get that it's not a need, it's just the way we are. I'm heteroromantic grey-ace female, who is also on hormonal birth control, and the chemicals in that haven't had any influence over my lack of sex-drive. So that evidence for it being a hormone imbalance might be a little off. I don't know. But don't let these people make you think that your sexuality is unnatural.

[Harald_Stenhård]

I am a male heteroromantic asexual. I had my hormone levels checked out and my testosterone is a bit high. By your logic, I should be humping everything I cross upon. This is the same kind of hostility gay people come accross. Just because we are different does not mean we are the spawn of the devil. And if someone can marry an inanimate object, I can call myself asexual, dammit.

[Ace-of-Hearts]

I am also a heteroromantic asexual male, and I have experienced a lot of the same problems you have, from losing relationships because I am not interested in physical intimacy to the same extent as my partner to people thinking I am gay because I am not interesting in having sex with women. While uncommon (most estimates say around 1% of the population is asexual), asexuality definitely a real sexuality, if someone unrecognized. I believe the term asexual was first used to describe lack of sexual attraction in 2001 (don't quote me on that). 38rakia28 serves an excellent point, if not to answer you query then to display the level of ignorance that most people have towards asexuality. Just keep in mind that asexuality is as incomprehensible to many sexuals as sexual desire is to us. If you want to learn more, or just talk to another Ace, check out the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, AVEN. If sex without love exists, why can't people understand that love without sex exists too?

[aceofarts]

First of all, don't talk about stuff you clearly don't understand. Asexuality has nothing to do with asexual reproduction, it's a sexual orientation and has nothing to do with how one reproduces (plus, if you really want to go down that road, even though it's completely irrelevant, all the cells in your body reproduce asexually through mitosis except brain/nerve cells). Second, it's been proven that asexuality in humans is not caused by irregular hormone levels. And, in fact, up to 3% of animals (including rabbits, by the way) show no interest in mating with either females or males, so it is natural and has nothing to do with chemicals (which, by the way, I'm fairly certain have not been shown to have harmful long-term effects, although I could be wrong). And third, people are not created for the sole purpose of reproducing- that's just shallow. And, as the asexual slogan goes, if you admit that sex without love exists, why can't you admit that love without sex exists?

[AshleyJackStarr]

I identify as a heteroromantic asexual and I'll ask you the question: If "Theist" means a believer of God and "Atheist" means NOT a believer of God; "Sexual" means has sex or relates to sex, so doesn't that mean "Asexual" means does NOT have sex or relates to sex?

[lanalaureen]

I stumbled upon this while looking into heteroromatic asexuality because I'm going through a tad bit confusion. I am a girl. I look at guys. I'm not opposed to having a relationship if I like someone. In order for me to like someone, however, I need to connect with them on some sort of intellectual level. I don't desire sex. I don't find it enjoyable. And it's been leaving me a tad bit scared, because without wanting to have sex it leaves me to believe a long lasting relationship is out of the question. A guy being with a girl who doesn't want sex? C'mon. When I see people's reaction to this, being baffled that someone doesn't like sex, it surprises ME. I've never thought about sex as something particularly mind blowing or whatever, so when I see people SO surprised, it surprises me. When I didn't think about how I don't enjoy sex, I just didn't see it as some great thing at all. So, as people who discover people who don't enjoy sex are astonished, I'm astonished when seeing those who love it so much. It's all a bit fascinating to me.

[aceofarts]

Hi, lovely! If you're confused as to what to identify as, you definitely seem like a heteroromantic demisexual to me, although this of course is your own decision, so I recommend looking into that and seeing if that fits you. :) Also, I know, I'm in your same situation (I'm a het ace); I've never been in a relationship despite not being aromantic and sometimes I feel as if I'll never be in one, and even if I am, that it will be put at risk because of my asexuality. And yes, I totally agree- I find it interesting that allosexuals don't understand how someone can not like sex, while many asexuals don't understand how someone can like sex.

[Burgundy]

I can't offer you any advice, because it's only recently that I began considering if I'm asexual... but I can say you're definitely not alone with it, and that asexuality (and its types) *is* A Thing, despite what people may think... nobody knows your sexuality better than you do!

I think I may be heteromantic grey asexual (female) - I might be willing to have sex in very specific situations, and I find it stressful. I've used negative life experiences of sex as an excuse to avoid it. I may be attracted to someone and I don't mind kissing and cuddling. I rarely masturbate and if I do, it's just a stress-buster as opposed to a sexual thing. I've been on and off the pill for 7 years because I don't have periods naturally, so I don't think I can even HAVE kids so I don't see the point. I was brought up in a very Catholic environment so maybe that's something to do with it too.

[Y666y666]

Just simply say that, although I've heard that lack of sexual libido can be a sign of depression, I do believe in asexuality, there are apps for people like you and I've personally am coming from a very confusing place, since a few years. Ago all I wanted was sex, but I also think that there was a period on myl ife where I was just on fleak, plus drugs didn't really help.
But now a few years older I find myself wanting to fkin cuddle and watch a movie lol and the only possibility I see of me having sex is for reproductive purposes, because I do indeed want a child (of my own). I know there is adoption and all that, but it's really my choice, even if I adopt one later since I don't believe that single children turn out better that ones with siblings, (all opinions)

[Berethor]

One would think that a girl would be more that a asexual guy would have an easier time with the opposite sex than a asexual girl, because girls tend to be less sexual than guys, but an guy's asexuality also tend to be much more noticeably, because it's guys who usually do almost everything in dating and sex itself, so a lack of enthusiasm on the guy's part tend to be much more noticeably.

tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MenActWomenAre

tvtropes.org/.../LieBackAndThinkOfEngland

[learningthegame16]

Wow. That's very different. I've heard of people using the term asexual before but I figured they meant the biological meaning which of course made no sense whatsoever (you can't reproduce another human if you break off a an arm). So thanks for clarifying this up :)

With regard to your family and friends, they may be a bit surprised at first but I'm sure they'll come around if you decide to tell them. They do care about you after all.

With finding a woman for companionship, I wouldn't worry to much about not finding someone. I'm sure there are women out there who are also asexual or that have extremely low libidos. Perhaps you can find a website that introduces asexual people to one another? I'm not saying you have to find someone from this website to date but I'm sure they'll be able to offer you better advice than anyone on this site can about how to communicate your sexuality to others.

Best of luck.

[troytoburn]

I don't think this is something you -need- to tell your family about... just something you need to confide in your partner with. Now that you know your situation, the next step might be to find someone similar, as sex life is a very important aspect of a relationship. Best of luck!

[LaLa19Inu7]

Hmmm...out of curiosity..why don't you like sex? Because it is boring..disgusting..what? What is it about it that you don't find enjoyable? I mean do you ever get turned on or aroused?

I mean there is no law or rule saying you have to like sex or anything. Mainly sex is just for reproduction. Humans (and apparently dolphins) are the ones who actually find enjoyment in it and use it for pleasure rather than reproduction at times. Other animals just do it because their bodies tell them to do it and then they breed. They don't do it otherwise.

Furthermore, I guess all you can do is be up front about it. When you start getting to know a female, tell her right away before you get in too deep in a relationship. Because I don't think there is any other way around that. Good luck. :)

[ryanrhino]

Well, you are looking for the soul connection - *thumbs up*

You may not have met a woman you truly love yet to be sexual with, but I deeply respect your beliefs of not desiring physical intimacy.

Just be happy with who you are and you'll attract that woman who wants companionship.

Heck, the stereotype of married guys being forced into asexuality due to no intimacy from their wives isn't all that rare!

And it's up to you who you want to share your strongest feelings with on this highly personal topic.

Here's a great current quote I have found from Neale Donald Walsch for this topic:

"Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself."

[Asker]

I was never forced into asexuality, nor is it a belief. Its just a fact.

[l-hedoniste]

Just be up front. No matter what your issue is, a smart, careful guy can eventually find a girl who can deal. What he will never find, however, is a girl who likes big, bad secrets.

Tell her who you are at the beginning. It's what dating is for.

[sugarwookie]

Honestly, you could just have low testosterone. I've heard tht can lower your sex drive to that point. So instead of just diagnosing yourself as "asexual" you should explore some posibilities. Who knows :)

[Habakkuk]

hmm, interesting

[slipslender]

i think you're right...your family will probably think that you're gay... I wonder how many asexual people there really are. I'm sure plenty of asexuals pretend to enjoy the sex, thereby hiding their 'true identities' lol. I'm making it sound so dramatic :p anyways, my question! do you want to have children?

[Asker]

I like the idea of having my blood passed on... I don't like the idea of the process. But all in all... yes, but it will take a lot of work (hard to *finish* when it isn't pleasurable)

[slipslender]

ah...makes sense... well, I wish you luck! :) I hope you find the right girl for you. there are definitely asexual girls out there...but I think you're going to have to do some digging :p

[aceofarts]

Since you were wondering, it's generally estimated that about 1% of the population is asexual. Also, a little trivia- the term asexual simply means "does not experience sexual attraction" and NOT "does not want/enjoy sex." It may be hard for you to understand (I'm assuming you're not asexual?) since for most allosexuals these generally tend to be the same thing, but to put it as simply as I can: isn't it possible to enjoy the act of sex itself without being specifically attracted to the person you're having sex with? This is the case for some asexuals; for others, they may want to have sex to, for example, please their partner or have children. (I'm sure you weren't looking for this much detail or even most of this information, but I couldn't help myself, so many people are uneducated about asexuality and I guess I feel it's partially my responsibility to educate them, being one myself.)

[Pamina]

You're gonna have a hard time finding a matching woman.

[ruits]

Hey, i also figured out recently that i am a heteroromantic asexual. Can we have a chat via e-mail or something? by the way i am a female.. :)

[amac13]

I am also hetero-romantic asexual, and completely understand how you feel. While low sex drive is occasionally a symptom of a hormonal problem, but I can tell you from personal experience that my hormone levels are fine, I am just not interested in sex. Some people are asexual and it's a lot more people than you would think (check out AVEN's website, they have a ton of resources). Anyway, I went through the same thing and while it is difficult at times not to feel lonely and broken, you aren't alone.

[aceofarts]

I'm het ace as well, and I assure you, it's completely normal. Never let anyone tell you that you're broken or screwed up, because you're not, it's just the way we're wired and there's nothing wrong with that. As for any future girlfriends, all I can tell you is to tell them about it from the start so they know what to expect (and if they leave because of that, would you really want to be with them anyway?). I recommend telling your family, although this is of course your decision, and I'm sure they'll accept you, and even if they don't right away, I'm sure they'll come around (they are your family, after all).

[Kristina1387]

I'm a heteroromantic ace too, and people in this ace community get hit with things like "you should get your hormones checked, that's not normal" or "so you breed like a plant?" Who is to say what's normal nowadays? Just because someone doesn't enjoy the same thing another person does not make then a different being. That's like saying: I love to read, so I must be a genius, and say you hate reading so you must be super stupid. We're both human, but one thing apparently makes us different things. That's not how it works. NO two people are the exact same, and not everyone has the same drives. Just because you're different from the "norm" doesn't make you any less of a person.

[DainNite]

Hey, I have recently found myself to be a possible asexual. I look at girls, I prefer their company over guys, but I never feel any type of sexual impulses. I find that I even have trouble finding feelings within my own mind, be it romantic, sexual, or otherwise. But I don’t think I’m broken. I am different, and that is all. Not craving sex doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Heck, for all we know, asexuals were the originals, and those that wanted sex are the deviants. All I’m trying to say is, you don’t need to fear what people will think of you being asexual. You are as you were created to be, by experience or by the environment around you. But in the terms of a relationship... if you do get into one, I suggest you make what you are clear. If they still like you after they know what you are, then there’s no problem. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

It may not be relevant, but I noticed you say you "diagnosed" yourself as being a heteroromantic asexual. I don't see why it would be a diagnosis, as there is no problem with being asexual.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, If you think that someone's sexual orientation is due to hormonal imbalances then I suggest doing some in-depth research about it, because that is no where near accurate. I'm an asexual, and I have had my E levels checked (for mood issues) and they were perfectly normal. Your sexual orientation is more likely to do with your brain, not your hormones.

[Anonymous]

Yes I have questions - how old are you and when can we get married?

You more or less described how I feel about men - I like the look of some of them, I like how their minds work differently from women, I like their company and that friendly attraction but I don't want to sleep with them - not even a young Tom Cruise who looks like a great kisser in films - I wouldn't even want to kiss him really (actually maybe just him if he started it!) But thats it - I couldn't go any further than hugging and maybe kissing - I couldn't imagine having sex with someone in a million years - its frustrating and liberating at the same time - it would sure as hell feel good to find a real live hetero - romantic person because we hide ourselves so well! I pretend to to be straight but I am not - I am getting tired of pretending...

[Harald_Stenhård]

So, how do you act? Do you have sex with men or do you just pretend to flirt? Someone must have noticed something.