Should I get pregnant on a one-night stand, I just split with my partner of 10 years.

I am single and mid 30s and time is running our for me to start a family. My man and I talked and talked about this for almost 2 years and we decided to start trying, then I suddenly lost my job and thought it would not be a good idea to have a baby while not working and not able to support myself, not a great example for a mother and that's not a value I wish to impart to a child. Now though we have broken up very recently for the reason that he will not admit he does not want any more children. He has 2 kids from an ex-wife and I understood that things did go badly for him at that time but I would never stop him from seeing our child if we'd had one. I thought he believed me, but it turned out he was only humoring me so I wouldn't split with him. After all this time I feel real cheated and dumped on, I gave him the best years of my life, all my love and sensuality and he has just sh*t on me completely making me think he wanted the same thing, but knowingly lying the whole time. I've been real upset all day and just feel so pathetic at the moment I don't know what to do. Time is still running out, I don't want a man or a father (I would prefer my child to have two parents but I can't rely on that happening) so I am wondering that it may take me a while before I can conceive naturally should I assume I will meet someone decent soon and plan a family with him or should I just get the hell on with my life and just f*** someone random for his sperm til I fall? I know this sounds a little cold but it's better than meeting and trapping a guy into a relationship and I hate women that do this so I would prefer that he knows nothing and I get what I want albeit with some risk to my health (and potentially the child) as I won't know the random guy's history. Also another option I was going to ask my ex for a few booty-calls and try to get pregnant without his knowledge, at least I would know his history and know that he's clean. Of course I could then never tell him this as it would tie us together again and I know he would want to be involved whether he planned on having another kid or whatever. I wouldn't want him to be around if he was only doing it from obligation, I know for sure it's not what he intended so I don't mind raising the kid alone with friends and family to help me. Can older men with the right experience please read this and help me with some serious advice? My ex is 49 and I believe has issues stemming from his first wife. He will never change I see that now and I don't want to him to for my benefit, I just want to get on with my life-plan for myself and carry out my calling. I never wanted kids til I was 33 and now I think I have wasted my life screwing around, drinking, taking drugs because I did not want to grow-up and give up all that fun stuff. I feel robbed because he knew he already had his chance at being a parent and also because I'm past 30 and men tell us we're not desirable at that age. I'm totally lost, help
Updates:
+1 y
I had put this on the break-up category but for some unknown reason GAG uses sexuality for everything, sorry.
+1 y
Can serious users answer please? There are a lot of kids spouting sh*t they don't understand and they don't have any advice to give. Guys over 40 maybe & women that have first-hand experience please share your story or thoughts. It doesn't matter to me the moral of having two parents - I'd prefer it but life hasn't dealt me that hand - so I'm not going to miss my chance because of it, I only have one life to lead and it's NOW.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • I agree with the other answerers who say this is extremely selfish. You should first and foremost consider the kind of life the child will have, not just the fact that YOU want a child. How do you think your child would feel growing up knowing that their father was a one night stand with a random guy? Even if you don't tell them, they are always going to have questions about who their father was, and that will haunt them all of their life.

    There are plenty of good single parents out there, but it's still very hard on both the parent and the child when all the responsibility is on one parent.

    The thing that worries me the most is your current emotional state of mind. You need to give yourself some time to get over the breakup, assess your mistakes and why you never realized that your ex was lying to you the whole time, and all the choices you made. Blaming him for your choices will only keep you in the victim mentality and role and not allow you to mature and move on.

    Also, ask yourself why you feel it's somehow appropriate or beneficial to get on a website and ask a bunch of random strangers about their opinion on probably the most major life decision you could ever make that will impact the entire life of another person, your child. My guess is that you need help processing your feelings about your entire relationship with your ex, and while you want children, you also know that searching out one night stands in order to get pregnant is probably not the best way.

    If you give yourself a little time to think things through, you will realize that getting your life stabilized and then going to a sperm bank or something is probably a better way of going about this. At least that way, you can assure your child will have good genes, and you won't complicate the kid's life with the issues of being fathered by a one night stand. You never know what kind of guy that could be. As you have experienced, it's possible to be with someone for 10 years and not even really know them.

    The last thing is that it is NOT "too late" for you to plan to have children in a safe and sensible way. Yes, you can do it on your own, and yes you can either meet someone decent first, or possibly afterward, but despite what people say, anytime in your 30's is a perfectly good time to have children, women do it all the time. In fact, older mothers have the benefit of more life experience, so there's nothing wrong with that.

    Don't use your ex's lies to fuel your rushing into self-defeating acts. Doing something "rebellious" and self-destructive is very common after something like what you've been through, but it always results in more harm than good. Think all of this through and go on to make a decision that is good for you and your future child. Running out and getting knocked up by a random guy would basically make your child a result of the animosity you feel towards your ex for lying to you and at yourself for believing him, and that's probably not what you want.

    • Thanks so much that's the first real piece of understanding I've seen so far. I never used this site before for asking anything and I guess I have no-one to turn to now that I know what I do. He was never an agressive or obvious liar, he was the sweetest guy always and he just likes to take the easy way out by agreeing and nodding to please me. My prioirity is start a family no matter what my financial situation is and now I'm in the worst place to do it, it wasn't meant to be this way. ty xx

    • Don't get down on yourself. You can get your life to a good place really fast, maybe one or two years, and that would be the perfect time to start a family. Just move in a positive direction and everything will come together. Trust me, you're not alone in having been with a guy like that, but you have learned so much from it and that can only help you in the future. You gave him 10 years, you don't have to give him any more if you start doing well for yourself :)

  • Well, I don't have first hand experience but I see where you're coming from. I want to have children and I don't want to be alone. I have my whole life to have a relationship and meet someone but only about 20 good years to have a child. I don't believe the child neccesarily needs both parents to be happy (some parents are abusive or don't want to know their children) and if you really want a baby, I feel you should go for it. A strong happy family unit could raise a child that turns out fine. I know I will get sh*t for supporting your decision, but if you wait then you might run out of time. People who don't want children or men can not understand how you feel about wanting one and should not comment I feel personally. I can tell you want to provide a good life for the child and you have been robbed of that by someone stringing you along for his own selfish reasons and who has wasted your precious time. He's old and already has children and deprived you by lieing to you. I would say personally booty call your ex because you want to know the history of the person and make sure they are a decent human being instead of spinning the roulette wheel on some random guy who could be really weird. I hope you get the family you want and eventually meet someone who is going to share raising that family with you instead of messing with you. Best of luck girl! :)

    • I don't find you selfish or immature for not wanting the father involved either, but I do agree that you should tell the person you sleep with what you are trying to do and tell them you don't plan on asking for their assistance (child support). I understand that you would be scared to do that because they might refuse and that's why you put it the way you did. Sperm clinics cost more than what the average person can afford and people don't understand how lucrative the business of fertility is.

    • Thank you, it's great to hear from a mature thoughtful person who can actually empathise with me. I guess I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation and most of the kids on this site do not identify with making adult choices in life for the best. The boyfriend grovelled & is still grovelling BTW, I'm due a fertility test in next 2 weeks & look to be making plans *together* again. If it happened again though I'd go it alone - no questions asked! ;)

    • That's good to hear! Yes, hopefully he means it this time and will at least give you a chance at what you want. Yeah, I just think it's lack of understanding/not being able to picture yourself in others shoes that causes people to judge, I know what you meant though. Thanks :)

  • In my case I wasn't at the time planning on getting pregnant, however 7 years ago at a friends home and a wild drunken party it seems me and two other girls were convinced to get naked on a pool table and 7 guys whom we did not know spent the next several hours banging our butts off. Was later told it was quite a thing to see. Anyway I ended up pregnant from that night, now have a beautiful 6 year old daughter who I dearly love and no idea who the dad is nor do I have any intentions of finding out who it is. Worked for me but I would think carefully before purposly giving it a try.

    • Thanks, it was never the intention to be a single mom or to not know the father but at my time of life now I can't be choosy, time is running out. I have PCOS and never ever had any accidents/scares you know. If I'd known I'd be made redundant I would have started trying sooner than I lost my job to have a baby, at least then we'd have broken up but I'd have a child. I know some women understand what I'm saying but some of these immature bitches are just being evil because they got no clue. Thanks

    • Yes I know and as you can see some wiseass no it all has given me a down arrow. I do wish you luck in whatever your choice ends up being. I am glad now that mine went the way it did, as I am not sure how my feelings would be if I actually knew who the dad was. I have even given some thought to having a second one pretty much the same way except planned and sober, but still a group of clean guys I don't know.

    • yeah well, we're all a wise-ass when we're 17 huh? don't worry about them, they have no insight into what you went through when you found out you were carrying. I wish I' d had an "accident" a lot sooner, I wouldn't be in this mess with time just running and running away. Makes me laugh, kids think they're going to live forever and be young forever...

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Most Helpful Guys

  • i honestly see NOTHING wrong with what you are proposing - as long as you are only using a guy to get pregnant, and your not going to try and get child support scam payments out of him, the guy doesn't need to know

    hell, him fathering a child and passing on his bloodline without having to invest his money is a huge biological win for any guy

  • There are some groups I manage on FB that have plenty of donors that would happily help you get pregnant and have no further connection to you. Hit me up on fb (you can find me by my username) and I'll tell you what groups to join.

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What Girls & Guys Said

6 3
  • Okay so, I am really sorry that the guy you used to date tricked you. But I also feel as if it is wrong to trick someone else back (''You should treat other people the way you want to be treated''). However, if you want a baby that badly there are sperm-donator-treatments (You choose the ''father'' that you want, like how he looks like what his interests are. Etc.) it costs a little money but it's well worth it. I don't think you should ruin someone Else's life with getting pregnant (On purpose) even though the guy would not want to have a child. So my advice to you is go to a sperm clinic. And you will get all the info you need there from the Docs :)

    • When you're older you'll hopefully understand what I mean by human obligation, the cycle of life. Anyways it's something I hold dear and I won't be influenced now that my biology finally makes sense to me, my obligation is clear. Just because my man is an a**hole doesn't mean I have to give up my enititlement to a family. I put my moving costs first, as I say I'm lucky my country respects my right to a normal family life. If a friend will donate for free I'd rather do that of course! Take care

    • Oops sorry Janttu961 I was meant to post below your comment, not on your comment. Thank you BTW for the response I appreciate it

  • I would suggest going to a sperm bank rather than frantically trying to get pregnant by people who may not want a child. It isn't fair to them, and there could be emotional repercussions for you as well. And with a sperm bank, there's probably a greater chance that the sperm will be healthy/ clean/ whatever (though I don't actually know much about it).

    • My answer has nothing to do with giving hour child two parents. It has everything to do with the fact that you aren't giving the father any rights. If you're so mature and logical, you should understand why that's wrong.

    • ok thanks, I gave you a thumbs-up. If the father is to be random then no, he won't have any rights because he will not know. Most guys don't want to know about kids anyway so being logical about it is a must, I'm not looking for Mr Right anymore I'm doing what's right for me. The intended father didn't want kids, he was lying so screw him and his morals altogether.

    • Your* not hour The potential dad deserves to be part of the decisionmaking process. It's not right to use someone for heir sperm without their knowledge or consent. If you tell the father after the fact, you might be forcing him into a role he wasn't ready to take on but now feels obligated to fill. And if you don't tell him, you could be robbing him of a child he'd want to share his life with. And you can't make those choices for him. He deserves to know up front that you're trying to get

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  • Wow...no offense but you sound extremely selfish. You don't even care about the life your baby would have. Get a f***ing job and find a man to be in a relationship with. Tricking and deceiving a man to try and get pregnant is disgusting and makes you seem like a real psycho. A child should have a support system aka, a family. A mother and a father. But you're too selfish to consider the childs needs. If you don't have a job, how will you take care of him/her? Mid 30s? Pshh, you sound like a teenage kid who just wants a baby so you won't be so lonely. Grow up before you consider having children...

    • Why is it selfish to want a child before it's too late. You tell me to get a job like I'm some high-school bum who never worked. If you have no advice don't comment I'm not asking for your approval, I actually asked for guys' advice who have the experience to help me not from bitches who think they're better because they have a boyfriend at the moment.

    • It's selfish because you want to have a kid when your kid won't even have a family and you don't even have a job to support the baby. Grow the f***up. I gave you my advice, if you only wanted people to agree with you then you shouldn't have asked the question. I don't think I'm better than anyone, you just seem like a f***ed up individual wanting a child from a one night stand. And your comment to my answer is extremely immature which further makes me believe you shouldn't have a kid.

    • You're just being a bitch for the sake of it. You won't know what courage it takes to think and plan on raising a child alone until you're in that position yourself so don't go thinking you're so clever. Beside it's not your advice I asked for, it clearly says "Older men with the right experience", and I have a huge family BTW who've offered their support. The problem with teens is that they know nothing about real life, that includes you.

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  • your idea is really dumb.

    why would you use someone like that?

    • Huh? I think you misunderstood, he used me all this time not the other way around

  • you know you really should have thought of this before getting with a guy that didn't want anymore kids these are things you ask you know 9 and a half years ago

    • You don't know what you're saying a**hole. I am well aware of the plans and commitments we made to each other years ago, you dont. You do however, have all the information you need to give or withold your advice, except the experience of having a girlfriend. I've seen your advice on other questions and you usually have nothing to say. With respect dude, draw on actual experience or get lost.

    • hey I'm just telling you you f***ed up, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, also what makes you think I don't have experience with women, women love me

    • you mother loves you

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  • I don't think it's right to keep a guy out of the knowledge of his child. I also don't agree with tricking them for a child. I don't have anything else to say at the moment.

    • It's not right to disregard my maternal calling either, I wasted a long time invested in one guy who turned out to be a waste of the best years of my life. It's the lesser of two evils that he would never know, he doesn't another kid anyways so he'd still get what he wants in the long-run.

    • No.

  • ummmm no... that's just selfish and has NO consideration for the child that would result, the child/teen/adult... just SELFISH, why not go get a job first so that if you do have a baby you can at least support it since you took the chance for them to have their father their to help them in life, and to love them, I know there's lots of people who missed out on that from a father for various reasons, but your not even giving your child any chance to. Then while your getting a job and making some money you may even meet someone who you want to have a baby with and vice versa... , get a dog otherwise!

    • Thanks but that's not very constructive, my prioirity now is to start trying to get pregnant in the near future. I have health problems which means it may take me long time to fall as it is. Getting a dog is not realistically a substitute and I don't like animals anyway.

    • You do NOT need a badby (you not only don't have a job you also have health problems... REALLY & your going to bring a child up alone, OMG you are crazy! you DO NOT need a baby what you need is a PSYCHOLOGIST... you have some serious problems, you make me sick and ashamed to be female - I want to cry thinking about what that child will have to endure in the future because of your selfishness...

    • If ever you're in the same position you'll think about all the things you write now and know that the maternal instinct is stronger than any of your insults. I need a baby because my body is telling me that and I am an intelligent human being, I do NOT need a dog. I have a great support network who will help, it's YOU who makes me ashamed to be a female. You think that splitting up with a guy means I don't deserve a family, stupid.

  • If you want random sperm I got some for you

  • Don't trick him because that also is not a good examPle for your child. Resentment and anger will always be the child- father relationship which is not good. My advice is to find someone who is willing maybe even a sperm bank?

    • Yeah I don't want to trick anybody but my one chance is slipping away day by day and that's way more important to me now that his feelings or rights. I thought about sperm-bank or even IVF but I'd need money saved in the bank for that. Thanks for reading and responding, I really do appreciate =)

    • You'd need money saved in the bank for a sperm bank. What about money saved in the bank to pay for all the costs involved in raising the actual child?