At 20 I should be sowing my wild oats, but instead I'm intimidated by girls and don't want sex! What is wrong?

[Anonymous]

I'm on anti depressants so my sex drive is low. I turned this girl down as I didn't wanna lose my virginty to her and wasn't horny at all. WTF is wrong with me? I should be really horny and sleeping with loads of girls but I haven't I'm 20 years old and get intimidated by girls. I can talk to men but not girls. HELP? Girls look at me a lot and I get attention yet somehow I still feel bad, almost guilty and worthless when they do. I'm definitely NOT gay. I can talk to guys sometimes, When I get rejected by them it hurts but when its rejection by women then it hurts a LOT more. I've been mistreated by women all my life so maybe that's why. My own sister hates and rebukes me for no reason and my mum never allowed me out when I was younger. Grew up without a dad and don't really care about him anymore. Rejection from women hurts a LOT more than from men. I don't know why. It's like I feel guilty for wanting to have sex with a girl and also worthless and undeserving of it. At my age (20) I should be sleeping with loads of girls and sowing my wild oats but nothing so far.

[Belgie]

Okay, it's hard to really work out what the problem is based on so little info, but two things seem to be important there.

1) the anti-depressants. These can affect the libido.

2) The lack of a father figure in your life. This can be a big problem.

You may not realize it, but you've never had anyone teach you how to be a man, by example. Your role models have been women. And women tend to get, well, irritated, when a man doesn't act like a man. It can put them on edge, even if they don't know exactly why.

We all have to deal with rejection. Most of us learn fairly early on, how to deal with it. In a nutshell, rejection is not the end of the world. It's like how a boxer in the ring learns to take a punch. Sure it stings, but not as much as you'd think. And that's how he can stay in the ring sparring, or boxing. He takes his knocks, but he knows that he's able to take them.

The fact that you even feel guilty for having perfectly natural urges such as wanting to sleep with women, would tend to make me think you should see a therapist of some sort. Someone professional anyway, who could help you deal with that mindset and spend time with you helping you to change it. I don't think some posts on the internet can help you with such a fundamental problem.

It's no good me telling you that girls are even more nervous than guys when it comes to chatting them up. Most girls your age would say they'd rather die alone than make the first move on a guy. Yet guys do it every day. So who do you think is more nervous?

You find it easier to talk to guys because you're not trying to get anything out of it. You're not trying to f*** them. With girls, it's only different right now because you've still got that end game in mind on some level. You're talking to them because you want to f*** them. If you could learn to disassociate that in your mind, and talk to them as people you didn't want to f***, you'd probably find it easier.

Worry about f***ing them after you've gotten to know them a little bit, and gotten used to talking to them as people.

[Asker]

My problem is being ashamed of my sexual desires and wanting to sleep with women. In fact it's of wanting to connect with the world in general. I'm scared that when i open up to people they'll see that i'm no good and will want nothing to do with me. It's so bad that i'm having trouble functioning at work and i have no goals or dreams that i want to achieve in life because i'm not worthy of having anything nice for myself.

[whattothink]

Don't worry about it. I was on anti-depressants once that I had NO sex drive at all. As in none, zero, zip, nada. I didn't even look at guys which is strange since I have a high drive normally. It is just a side effect. Plus being a virgin at 20 is not that bad I was that old when I lost mine to a guy that didn't deserve it and I really wished I had waited. It will happen, but for now don't worry and wait for the right person it makes it much better.