Why can't my boyfriend get/keep an erection?

Let me just preface this by saying that I am not a teenager. I am 26 and he is 29.

The first time we hooked up or should I say tried to hook up, he initiated the contact between us and could not get it up. I tried EVERYTHING and nothing happened. Needless to say things were pretty awkward between us and we took a few weeks away from each other before the contact was reinitiated.

Sometimes, he can get an erection - but it doesn't always stay hard and sometimes it goes away after like 20 seconds.

Most of the time he initiates the contact between us and likes a lot of foreplay - but it takes him SO long to be ready for contact - if ever at all.

My question is - is this me? Or is this some sort of mental or medical problem?

I AM NOT A GUY! PS... This is a MALE/FEMALE relationship! Sorry!
I did contact them about changing my gender thankyou!


Most Helpful Guy

  • There are multiple reasons that a guy won't be able to get an erection.

    1) Stress / Nervousness

    It often happens that a guy can't get an erection in his first sexual experience, because of the nervousness. Even if he's not a virgin, it can still happen.

    2) CNS Antagonists

    The central nervous system (CNS) is what makes us feel our surroundings, and react to them by moving our muscles. Antagonist materials, such as alcohol, nicotine, ilegal drugs, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and other hormone-containing medicine can cause one to not be able to get (and/or sustain) an erection. They don't always have this effect, but it is possible.

    3) Other factors

    It might be a medical issue? May be he was distracted and/or not in the mood? We may never know.

    Though, if he can get an erection when alone, then it's probably not a clinic issue.

    *** He is probably embarassed about this, and his confidence might be shattered, so please act as naturally as you can, and blame neither him nor yourself. Don't go and question him about whether he uses anti-psychotics or not. If you ever bring up the subject, just tell him that it's normal and it could've happened to any other guy. Act as if you are talking about the weather, or some other natural and insignificant subject. ***


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 3

  • its him.. he needs to go to the doctor and get that checked out

  • It's a common problem that happens for different reasons. Some are emotional, but some are physiological. It's best to go see a physician about this issue...asap.


  • It might be a circulation issue...? If it is a problem with circulation then Viagra might be able to help.


What Guys Said 4

  • Sounds like it's his problem. He wants you obviously but he's having some issues. Don't know him so I can't say if it's stress or medical. Talk to him about it. Isn't that the advantage of being gay, you're with a guy so you can just be direct about sh*t instead of having to dance around and play games like straight guys have to do with women?

  • Has he had this problem before, or is it only now? Is he okay when he masturbates himself? What if you give him a hand-job?

    Through this process of elimination, you could find out whether it is something (i) physical (ii) emotional or just (iii) performance related.

    Has he had sex before? If so, did he have the same issues then?

    Sometimes, it could be purely emotional, and there are some tips (including online) of how to overcome performance anxiety. When I started having sex, I didn't enjoy it for quite some time. Neither did my partner. No impotency, though we just couldn't coincide our sexual needs.

  • Maybe he is not actually attracted to other guys he might like women

    • I wondered that. lol

    • It is possible he might just have beeen curious about being with a guy. It could just be ED though lots of guys have the problem where they can't stay hard.

    • Oh I guess that makes sense but I did not want to seem hateful against gays by assuming anything

  • Maybe he's just not used to performing and gets nervous

    Try watching a bit of p*rn first, rub him a little and see if it changes

    • Click 'contact us' at the bottom to ask to change your gender