Is this sexual abuse?

Question

So when I was 15 this guy took me out on a date. he grabbed me and kissed me a few times. then he took me back to his house and down to his room, which was in the basement. and somehow he had me pinned down to the bed and was trying to kiss me. I kept turning my head saying 'no,' and he managed to just suck on my neck and give me tons of hickeys. Seriously this guy did not give up... then I sorta surrendered and actually had a little bit of fun as we kept going and he ended up fingering me. But I felt disgusting after, thinking how did that happen...I came over not wanting anything to happen and all this had. Is this sexual abuse? There was a period for a couple minutes when I let my guard down, so I'm not sure if this counts as sexual abuse? Anyway I have extremely low self-esteem, I think it is due to this and another molestation from my childhood, along with years of physical abuse as a child. It absolutely crushes me to know that my boyfriend looks at p*rn, goes to a strip club, or even looks at another girl... it tears me up inside. I constantly feel not good enough and so self-conscious about my body,  I'm convinced the only thing I can do is lose weight and then I will look acceptable.. I feel like I drive my boyfriend crazy because I'm always worried about not being good enough or I'm totallyyy crushed when he masturbates to p*rn even though a lot of girls say it's no big deal. Could my self-esteem issues be linked to my history of physical abuse, or to the couple instances of sexual abuse (if the first one counts as abuse?) Any help is appreciated... thank you..

gregtaylor · Accepted Answer

Probably not sexual abuse, per se, as that is a term that is not uniformly defined in law or society, but it was definitely sexual assault. And your self-esteem issues are MOST DEFINITELY linked to the sexual assaults and physical abuse, and possibly other things. I understand how you feel. Even though I am a man, I too dealt with all these things growing up and as a young adult. I was raped by a Scoutmaster at 13 and then sexually abused by my father starting at age 14 and lasting for 3.5 years, until just after I turned 18. For many years, I was confused about my sexual identity and struggled with relationships and self-esteem issues. I still struggle with issues to this day. You need to get help in dealing with these issues. You can talk to me via PM, if you would like. Or contact RAINN. org. They also have an 800 number, and will talk to you completely anonymously. Unless you identify someone who assaulted you when you were a minor or identify yourself to them. Then they are required by law to notify authorities. But only if you are a minor, and they tell you about that requirement up front. I have used their service myself. It helps, as a first step. The next step would be to see a therapist. Very important. It is not necessary for your healing to file charges against anyone unless that is what you wish to do. I haven't. My father is dead, but my former Scoutmaster was still alive as recently as 2009, and there were some other men my father "shared" me with who are still alive. There is no shame about any of what happened to you that is your responsibility. It is their shame. You need to learn to accept that, and shift that responsibility onto them, even if they won't willingly accept it. That should be the primary goal of therapy, at least initially. Good luck. I hope to hear from you. If not, I hope you will reach out to RAINN for guidance. Peace, my dear.

upskrtcelebs · Accepted Answer

No. That's not sexual abuse unless he drugged you or bound you, dragged you unwillingly back to his place, through his front door, down the stairs and to his room where you started to enjoy it. While you have a right to say no, just because you felt yucky afterward doesn't make it sexual abuse and it is harsh that such a statement to other people in public could ruin that poor guy's life so be careful how you throw that term around.

Secondly, it is quite healthy to watch p*rn. I watch it every single day, and also hit on other girls in front of my girlfriend. She loves it. You really need therapy for what happened to you in the passed otherwise it will continue to haunt your future.

rachiee · Accepted Answer

First off, what your boyfriend does is normal. He's not going out and cheating on you or finding girls and having sex with them, he's staying faithful to you. Even the prettiest girl in the world will have a husband/boyfriend who does the same thing. Its nothing to do with you, its just human nature. You can't expect him to only be turned on by you and you only.

As for if that's sexual abuse, if you didn't want it then its definitely abuse. Situations like that as well as other situations can add up and lead to a lot of mental problems like being insecure or not trusting guys. I suggest looking into psychologists or trying to find ways to overcome your past so that it will help you and your future relationships.

DiamondKutt · Accepted Answer

I was abused similarly, so I know how you feel. Yes, that was abuse. Regardless of if you gave in later on, you still said no in the beginning, & you were manipulated.

As far as your boyfriend, those girls are right... it's no big deal really. P*rn is like a fantasy. & strippers are paid to do a job so it's nothing personal. He's not cheating on you. & you probably don't even need to lose weight. I'm sure you're acceptable to him, or else he wouldn't be with you, right? :]

I'd say go get professional help. Trust me, it helps a lot. Just telling them what's been going & your history of abuse, both physical & sexual. They'll help you find a way to cope.

Good luck.

Randomzzgirl · Accepted Answer

Ok 1. No I wouldn't say so since all you ddi was turn your head which he may have mistook for a kiss my neck sighn as you say and then when you started enjoying it he thought he did nothing wrong. Feeling bad after doesn't mean that you got sexualy abused. If you really wanted to stop it you would have started shouting no and  started thrashing around but you didn't. 2. I get that you don't feel good about your boyfriend watching p*rn, but it's normal and you really shouldn't worry, he obviously finds you attractive since he's still with you :)

superuss · Answer

I would consider that sexual abuse. I think you should get some therapy in order to work on your self-esteem issues and talk to them about your sexual abuse. I don't know if your low self-esteem is caused by the abuse, but I am sure it did not help your self-esteem any. I sorry to hear someone hurt you.

Bubblesxxxxx · Answer

If you don't want it or ask for it and say no and they still do it then it is sexual abuse

SuRpRiZeD · Answer

you getting mad at your boyfriend isn't right, he should be able to watch p*rn, but its sexual abuse if you didn't want it and you really have to ask yourself that question, how much do you weigh you feel you need to lose wight?

notallthere98 · Answer

What you are feeling is normal, and yes, that was sexual abuse.

cranberriezzz · Answer

it sounds like sexual abuse to me if you didn't want it and kept saying "no".

aboynamedbobby · Answer

i think it is. if you said no he should have stopped!

justme118 · Answer

it is sextual abuse if you didn't want it at all and your boy friend sounds like a pig you shouldn't have to be good enough for anyone but yourself he has to except you for who you are as the beautyfull person you born as  if he can't except that dump his ass he is nothing but garbage go find someone who loves you for you not what you look like or wether or wether or not your willing to have sex

Is this sexual abuse?

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