Sexual Health
+1 y

Should I feel as unattractive as I do when my boyfriend turns me down for sex??

We've been together for almost 4 years. and its been the same routine as long as I can remember : I try to seduce him- he turns me down. I try everything I can think of to get him interested in me. I changed the way I dress (from club clothes to t-shirts and chuck taylors) I play more video games, and prance around the house in all the things he "thinks" are attractive. I surprise him and show up in lingerie, just about everything you could think of. sometimes he'll grab my butt or tell me I'm looking good (I start to think he's interested) low and behold the answer is still a big fat NO! he'll even make out with me, then say "i didn't want to have sex, I'm not in the mood, you just looked good so I wanted to kiss you" (I just want to die when he says things like that!) what's even worse is that we live 45min apart, he's admitted that he masturbates (who doesn't?) but that hurts me, because I'm not getting anything from him. but he'll do it himself? he knows if he calls me ill be there in 10min flat and do it for him! Now I know sex isn't everything, but I pretty much think like a guy and he DEFINiTELY thinks like a woman. he's rarely in the mood. he complains that it'll make him tired the next day, or that he'll sleep through his alarm. (he does have sleep apnea which makes him exhausted most of the day that contributes to him not wanting any sex) but that's just how I communicate, and how I like to end/start my day. with sex. It makes me feel beautiful and attractive. But after a week of No's, I can't even bring myself to put on makeup, I feel hideous. honestly it makes me want someone else. its definitely more than just him not wanting sex as often as I do, but him turning me down all the time doesn't help. He's shy and a huge nerd. he never makes a move. I'd hate to be a bitch and break up with him only to find out there's something wrong with me and I blamed him. AND NO HE ISN'T HOMOSEXUAL. trust me I've tested that already. lol. he isn't. (also I snooped through his p*rn, he definitely likes women) point is - I feel like the elephant man because my 21 year old boyfriend is never in the "mood"
Updates:
+1 y
some of you are missing the point, he's ALWAYS been this way. its always been hard to get him to have sex. the question is that I just feel like sh*t when he says no, I just wanted to know if that was the right way to feel or if I'm taking it too personally.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Don't let anyone psyche you about this; I've been through pretty much of the same and know how it feels.

    In the initial stages of our relationship, my partner was the one most eager for sex. I had work on my mind, stabilising my job, etc...

    Along the way things changed. And how drastically.

    After marriage (and particularly babies), she lost all interest in sex. I would have to beg, cajole, warm her up for half-an-hour... and nothing worked. It was pretty depressing.

    Fact No 1: Any relationship goes through a deep low, after some number of years passing. The 7, 14 year itch isn't a myth. So is the 21 year itch. It could come on earlier, particularly when one isn't married, or doesn't have kids, and thus there is no commitment "to stay together for the kids' sake" even.

    The change is probably hormonal. You don't get the high you once got, by simply being around with your partner. (Which is why many young people BELIEVE that going in for a new partner is THE solution!)

    Unfortunately, in long-term relationships, the sex drive of both partners very rarely work in tandem. Usually it is the woman who says "not tonight". But, nowadays, you will find a surprising number of women who complain that they're not getting enough sex from their partners/bfs/husbands.

    You will need to try and enkindle the sex spark in your relationship. Sometimes this works. (A tip: the more you get of sex, the more you want. If you get too little, you won't even want it.) You probably need to lay down an expected number of encounters in a week that you should be having. Then stick to it. There are some good online guides on how to do this...

    The bottomline is: no, you're partner isn't gay. No, you aren't unattractive. Yes, the spark has probably gone out of the equation (for absolutely no fault of yours probably). Give it a good chance to get in back, or look out for your options. It's sad to leave a partner of many years just because s/he doesn't relalise that a partner has IMPORTANT SEXUAL needs too...

  • It's gotta be one of two things.

    Either he's just not into you, ha ha pun, and he just doesn't know how to end the relationship cause he's a young goofball or he may have a medical problem that he needs evaluated. Other thing could be that he is gay but you've already canceled that option. If he does masturbate to p*rn fairly frequently then he's there no problem medically and he's definitely not digging the relationship so you gotta suck it up and break up. Yes I know the world ends when break up young. Young people have a hard time knowing when its over.

    There are many guys out there that will have no problem with your sexual needs.

    • REALLY? you think hey not be attracted to me anymore?! (my worst fear) I don't know. he's not the hottest kid on the block. (I think he's cute but I hear otherwise from friends and family) he's been weird about sex from the begining tho. I always thought he never really wanted it as much as he should have. I think guys his age are looking for a lot more sex than he is, right?

    • Well he's not gay right? He's pleasing himself with masturbation, although I don't know how often, so it's probably not a medical problem. If you guys have been together for a long time he may just be bored with the relationship. I'm not saying he isn't into your looks. Not all guys want sex every day but if your not doing it once a week I'd think there's a problem.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm so sorry to say this but I think its probably time to wind things up. If you prance about in the things that he loves and he still can't give you any (or won't) then I think its probably fair to say that he's just not that ken anymore. Maybe things have died out, maybe you've grown apart, whatever. Don't doubt your own attractiveness but do stop seeing this guy. The more time you spend with him the more opportunities you are missing to actually meet the guy you deserve.

    Good luck.

    xox

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 12

  • Perhaps your Boyfriend is as myself. I desire not sex. Well, let's just put it this way: concerning myself, I haven't had sex since 2004, and haven't masturbated since age 17, and I am 33. I too am shy... I too am a bit of a geek... Even though I am ex-military... LOL But anyways, Perhaps he is avoiding the situation either by means of moral conviction, or he made a consciencious decision to not have sex until he is certain he will be with the woman he has sex with "forever" (nothing lasts forever, but you get the idea.). Speaking purely for myself, it is a combination of both concepts. I stopped flogging because I view it as immoral. I stopped having sex altogether because I want to be certain that she whom I lay with is in a semipermanant relationship with me (again, nothing lasts forever...). Moreover, with as much going on in the world, either myself nor your Boyfriend could be blamed. Nevertheless, His excuses are that, in and of itself, excuses. The underlying issue here is, the direct reason. I am just tossing some suggestions... Even I could be wrong... But as you have explained it, he sounds like me but younger. Be that is it may, I can explain my reasons and perhaps his reasons are not too dissimilar... I don't know, Never met him, and don't know any major backstory.

    • One other thing: Just because he does not want sex from you, he has demonstrated that he is attracted to you. Perhaps you may need to give it time. ALSO: The worst thing to do is find someone just so that you can have sex. You would be viewed by him as a "selfish bitch" by him if you should do that. One of my last Exes cheated on me for the same reason... She did as you, only difference is that I TOLD HER I WAS NOT INTERESTED UNTIL WE WERE AT LEAST MARRIED. Well, I caught her cheating...

    • You ARE taking it too personally.

    • Not taking it personally, just trying to tell you to not make a diar miscalculation in judgement for your own desires. Besides... I care not anymore anyway... I vowed myself to asceticism. I give less than a sh*t these days... Haven't dated since 2004-5, no sex (or even masturbation for that matter) since the same amount of time. I just don't like seeing people making irrational judgements based upon misinterpretations of their situations. That is all.

  • it's not about being into you or not ... even if he wasn't into you and he had normal or even low sex drive he couldn't turn down you always and not when you try to seduce him all the time ... I think there's something more serious than that . maybe he has somekind of a illness that he doesn't want to tell you or maybe he has mental problems ( I don't mean to be offensive just trying to help ) ... tiredness and such things can't be an excuse always ... that about weekends or free days ... as I said I think something serious is wrong with him , body , mind or something in his past ... you can't figure it out without him helping himself ... talk to him seriously and tell him this can ruin your relation ... I think you're sacrificing yourself so be frank with him about your feelings

    • to answer your update .. no you're not taking it too personal . in fact most of the girls would have broken up at the first few months ... if thing are like that you explained and if he turns you down so often then you have the right to be harsh ... but if you love him so much you can try to figure out what's the real problem and if not so it's up to you

  • perhaps waiting until marriage?

  • Maybe you don't turn him on.

    I am guessing that you are such a good girlfriend that he's resigned to getting past the sex bit, but if he doesn't want you in that way, then he doesn't. It's not your fault, or his, or anyone's. It's just how things are.

    The question, then, is can you stick for the long haul for someone who isn't hot for you? I couldn't, but you need to decide for yourself.

  • First of all, was the sexual relationship in the beginning good--and it just started to wane after?

    If it's the former... Maybe its his health. How physically fit is he, and does he take prescriptions that can inhibit his sex drive (such as depressants)?

    Maybe he has a low sex drive in general also?

    • umm he's always been shy. expecially about sex. after 4 years he's definitely opened up. there's no problem with the sex at all. he's just fine. but yea it could be that he has a low sex drive. he always says that the litteraly just doesn't want to. honestly some of the only times he "agrees" to it are when he sees that I'm upset. thanx for the answer

  • what

    the

    f***

    I'm sorry that's all the reaction I can give on this.

    • lol.

  • I don,t what sound mean hear but I just don,t think he in to you that much no more and you may what to think of bricking up with him and find some one that what be they for you more than he is and what have sex with you form time to time more than he dose. You boyfriend sound a little wired most guy I know jump at the chance to have sex with they girlfriend if they are doing what you are. I know I would.

  • dump him...you changed for him...yet he won't give you sex in return..not only was your first mistake to change for him but your second mistake was to stay with a guy who won't give you what you want in return. this guys a jackass...dump him!

    • but isn't it horrible to break up with a person over sex? that's where I'm torn. I think it would be wrong.

    • besides...if he's not giving it to you..hes probably getting it elsewhere...if I were u..id suspect him of cheating...and dump his ass..

  • dump him.

    • let me clarify, you shouldn't stick with a guy that you have all these excuses for. You're worried about not being able to please him, when in reality, he's not pleasing YOU.

    • what she said after she clarified it was perfect!ahahah good one abzybob

  • I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Sounds like you just have a much higher need for sex than your guy and he's not making any effort to meet you halfway. If he's not willing to work on it you should consider your options.

  • Sounds like he's just not that into you anymore... Sorry... Don't mean to sound harsh

  • Yes.

    No suicide please

  • So what IS he good for?

    • ummm... we get along very well I guess. and he's funny.

    • I think you're taking it too personally. You do have to decide what is important to you though. You have needs and you are gorgeous.

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