Help! I don't know what to do sex has gotten to be so bad with my girlfriend that I dread having sex with her.

everything is perfect in our relationship except the sex. For example this morning my girlfriend woke me up with a back massage then said “now its time for your happy ending”. She started kissing on my neck we started making out, we took off each others’ clothes then I started kissing her all over her body then she got on top of me grinding on me, I got on top of her running my hands up and down her body and when I was moving my hand down from her breast to her vagina she didn’t thrust her hips up like she does when she turned on or do any of the other things she does when she turned on. This really killed the mood for me but she then grabbed me and tried to put me inside her but she was completely dry so we grabbed lube and started having sex. About 10 minutes went by and she got on top of me started riding me and said “whats wrong I can tell you don’t want to have sex” I said “idk I'm sorry baby I'm just not really in the mood right now” then she got really upset. Sex with my girlfriend use to be amazing but now I dread it 9 times out of 10. Although she tells me she still finds me attractive and sex is amazing I can tell she is lying. We have only been dating for 4 months but we have been having sex for 10 months. For the past 2 months 90% of the time no matter how much foreplay we have she is not turned on before sex. she says she is turned on but I can tell she isn't. She is never the least bit wet before sex but that's not the only reason I think she isn't turned on. I have been having sex with her for 10 months I can tell when she is and isn't turned on. I've tried everything to turn her on like kissing her all over her body.. slowly getting more aggressive and making my way to kissing her neck down to the insides of her legs, talking dirty, being rough with her,.. all the things that use to drive her wild. The foreplay is always longer than 20min. The only thing that still turns her on is having sex places where we could get caught or if I use a sex toy on her. Anyways so after we've had 20-30 minutes of foreplay and she still not turned I no longer want to have sex cause I feel almost embarrassed. But if I don't have sex with her after foreplay she asks me why I won't have sex with her I tell her why and she gets really upset so I usualy have sex with her even though I'm no longer in the mood. Because she isn’t turned on it takes at least 40 min of really fast and hard sex for her to come whereas 2 months prior it only took her about 10 minutes to cum. I ask her what I can do to turn her on more she say she loves everything I do. I ask what I could do to make fingering her, eating her out, and sex feel better for her she just tells me I'm amazing at all those things. She won't help me find out what I can do differently or better to improve our sex life. She masturbates everyday so its not like she doesn’t know what she likesI just feel like she doesn’t want to be turned on by me anymore.I just don’t want to feel like this anymore and I don’t know what to do
Updates:
+1 y
i don't really mean our sex life is bad I just put that because I knew it would draw more people to the question. the wetness has little to do with why I feel she isn't turned on. but thank you all for helping me out
4 7

Most Helpful Girls

  • Then get out the danged sex toy. It's your friend.

    A lot of women experience some form of sexual anhedonia, which is inability to really experience the pleasure as full pleasure. It can feel like nerve endings just stopped working for no good reason. (Men can sometimes have it too.)

    The thing is she may really want, crave, deeply desire sex with you but sometimes there's just a mental block that makes it hard for the switch to flip on. It might work one day, and try the same thing the next day, it's like - meh - nothing.

    But with lube, women can still perform sex even when we're not totally aroused. (Men can too, just, not with the penis.) So, sometimes we get used to having sex when we're not all the way aroused. And then it's sometimes really hard to communicate if we need some other, different kind of stimulation. And sometimes we have partners who get butthurt about taking direction. And then there's other stress, and shit, and probably most of us have been sexually harassed or abused in some way. And some of us have been sex shamed in a million other ways. And your dude is really wanting you to feel pleasure, but then that can be it's OWN pressure.

    And believe it or not, all that emotional crap adds up. So just when you want to have one of those fantastic, explosive, massive, neighbors-call-the-cops kind of orgasms your clit fucking goes on strike.

    I have literally looked down there and yelled at my crotch "can you work with me here?"

    And I am maybe one of the most massively orgasmic women you'll ever talk to and even I have this problem sometimes.

    Maybe don't take it as an insult from her. I guarantee, she's not willing her pussy to dry up like the desert. If you're going to by angry about anything, be angry at the internal pressures she feels that are making it hard for her to access her pleasure.

    Help create a safe space for her to really talk about how she feels, what she needs, what's working and what is not working.

    I'll be honest, my first husband being an actual asshole who didn't love me had a lot to do with why I couldn't enjoy sex. So you may have to hear some hard truths about any way you're contributing.

    But it's probably not you at all. Or if it's you, it's just your frustration makes her feel worse and more stressed.

    Here's something about opening up to experiencing incredible pleasure that may help.

    Tantra Is The Opposite Of Porn – Learning How To Actually Be Intimate ↗

    • I didn't write it. I just posted it because it's a great introduction to some new "old" ways to look at sex.

  • Okay.

    So, in my opinion, sex is the beginning of a relationship is always the best sex in terms of arousal (that's not to say that long-term sex isn't awesome, it gets better in other ways). This is mainly due to what is termed NRE or new relationship energy. It's when your lust-levels are at their highest because everything is new and exciting. During this time, my partner just has to look at me in a certain way and my panties are soaked.

    But after some time, you start to get used to sex and very comfortable with your partner. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It feels great to have sex with a partner that you're comfortable with, you know how to please each other better because you've learned exactly how the other person likes to be pleased, you feel more comfortable sharing and trying out fantasies, etc. But, on the other side, it can also mean that you don't get as wet or it takes longer for you to get aroused, and it can take longer to orgasm.

    There are also many other things that affect arousal and ability to orgasm: mood, stress, self-esteem, medications, etc.

    This likely has nothing to do with you, and it doesn't mean that your girlfriend isn't interested in sex, isn't turned or, or doesn't enjoy sex.

    I find that there are often times when how aroused I feel mentally is not reflected by my body's physiological response. I do need to use artificial lubrication more often than I did at the beginning of my relationship. It's frustrating, but it does not mean that I'm not aroused or that I don't actually want sex. And it can make me feel bad or worry that my partner thinks it's his fault, when it really isn't.

    If your girlfriend wasn't horny and interested in sex, she probably wouldn't be doing things like you've said (i.e. waking you up to initiate sex). But, I will say that there's a good chance that your behavior toward her might be having a negative effect on her self-esteem. I know that I'd feel hurt and worry that I was doing something wrong if my partner kept stopping or avoiding sex and telling me that he didn't want sex.

    I think you should just relax and enjoy sex with your girl; I think you're making a big deal out of nothing, and if you already think your sex life is bad because of something minor like this, your behavior is a sure way to make it worse.

    • I would try fingering her maybe in a car without planning I been through similar situations and I finger then penetrate and she loves it for a longer and I live too see her turned on

    • To be perfectly honest I think that sexual attraction Is normal in some ways genetic

  • Hi. I’m sorry to hear about your problem ! Don’t blame yourself 100% for this issue. It take a two. Sometimes us as women cannot get off with a man when our minds are thickened with worries and stress. Is there anything going on in her personal life that could be the root of the issue? Also masterbating the clitoris too much can cause a defect to the feeling or quick arousal touch. Anyway Id say try to have a sit down and actually try to figure it out. Maybe you can do new exciting things. Since it was just 2 months ago she was fine and now things have changed heavy there’s definitely something going on. Maybe she’s not happy with a job/life problems or she might be.. no offense but over the sex factor of your relationship because she’s bored of the same thing. I wouldn’t want to say she could be thinking about someone else but there’s a reason for everyone’s behavior. Sometimes a woman can be turned on by other things that make her appreciate you more. Like a super cute picnic at a nice scenic park or place, flowers, playing an instrument for her, doing things out together. Having a special movie night. Those are simple but could make a deference. Either way Both of you deserve to be happy. Honesty is the best policy hopefully she can be honest with you. Best of luck

Most Helpful Guys

  • Check out the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is likely there are other areas of your relationship that she might not be feeling her needs met. Perhaps you can fix those and get back on track. That said, it is rare that a girl is going to initiate sex if she isn't feeling loved.

    She may also be having some physiological issues that her spirit is willing, but flesh is weak, so to speak. It sounds like you are over analyzing a bit here. Continue to be open with each other, but also be patient with her. Some ladies just take longer to get started and sometimes they want to have sex but their bodies just aren't cooperating.

    Also, masturbating daily could be delaying her responses with you. Could she incorporate that into your foreplay?

    • wow your answer was very helpful. thank you. she does feel loved I kno that and she does initiate sex but there might be something on her mind I guess I just have to talk to her. she went to the gyno last month and everything was fine. see the thing is those for 8 months she didn't take long to get turned on she would get really wet and turned on from just making out. then all the sudden she rarely gets wet prior to sex and does seem turned on. I do realize I am over analyzing this

  • if u want to try and get her back into sex for her birthday at night give her a gift in it with a letter saying go some where in the house and it will be there tell her not to open it say u want to see what she thinks put s£x toys for girls/woman in it she will use them at night and tell her u are hers to do what she want to a fer hours. lke have $ex or tied what ever she want u do to just do it and shw should start to like sex. and if it is hard to cum u should do it your self with your hand for about a week 1or2 times a day for a week it will help make sure not dry your penis it needs to be wet it will help u

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  • you know, she probably thinks the same thing. She wanted to have sex and you turned her down. She might be thinking you are not into her! and the solution: talk to her. tell her you would rather her be honest , and you feel that she is not into sex anymore. and ask her if there are things you can do that she wants to try. And maybe she is still interested in sex, as relationships settle, sex can also change.

  • You're being extremely picky. She was trying hard to do something special for you and she wanted to have sex- otherwise she wouldn't have done any of that. You can't assume that she isn't turned on just because she isn't wet. And if I were her, I would be freaked out enough by your behavior that I'd have trouble feeling turned on too. Don't hold what her body does or doesn't do against her. She can't control whether or not she's wet. You can't expect her to react in certain ways just to make YOU feel good about yourself.

    I would suggest trying to relax and go with the flow more. Try to have fun and stop questioning everything that happens.

    • If you're going to say stuff that will get our attention rather than actually describing the issue, you're not going to get useful help.

  • Oh, you can fantasize on me.

    • He needs a solution not a problem lol!!!

  • First of all your not doing anything wrong you seem perfect , all I can suggest is talking to her and just ask her that’s all you can do , talk to her.

  • Sounds to me like something more is going on. Maybe you accidentally said something that really hurt her and she isn’t comfortable telling you. Women are much more sensitive to things like that. We can completely lose our sex drive and shut down over one unresolved negative interaction.

    My advice would be to sit down. Listen. Ask her how she is doing. Ask her if there’s anything she would like you to do differently. Be open. Be vulnerable. She will appreciate that.

    Then, in bed, ask her what feels good to her. Maybe you are trying too hard when foreplay, maybe too much pressure. Relax. Touch her lightly and ask her what she likes.

  • Just eat her out first... Make her feel special, shoe her she's your sole focus... Things should start becoming a bit more smooth then...

  • Well 1. just because she doesn't get wet doesn't mean she isn't turned on...maybe sometimes her body is just a little out of whack. I find my boyfriend very attractive and sexy but there have been times where I AM turned on but still kind of dry...and 2. I feel like honestly, from a girl's point of view, if she didn't want to have sex with you, she wouldn't be getting upset when you don't have sex after foreplay or she wouldn't have initiated all of that after she gave you the massage. If she wasn't turned on by you and didn't want to fool around, she'd be waaay less enthusiastic and not be upset when you don't want to have sex you know?

  • I wish my sex life was 'bad' like this.

    You are too focused on her having massive orgasms to validate you.

    • You're overanalyzing. she's waking you up with sex. Try to enjoy it. You are worrying about her response, she's worrying about your response, nobody has fun. Guess what, sometimes your job , as the guy, is to be horny as hell and ravish her body and enjoy it, and let her feel sexy, and if she gets into it great, but she doesn't have to perform to make you happy.

  • She could still be turned on. A woman can be dry for many reasons. Medication, dehydration (if she's not drinking enough getting wet can be hard), other things on her mind, befor or after her period. Talk to her more about that.

  • Old post but mostly I think that you're overthinking things. A woman could be 1000% into you but not turned on because she's too stressed about something that isn't your fault. And it could also be that she's not turned on at the start but gets turned on during & she knows that too. It's not like you chained her up and forced her to have sex... she was begging you.

    Her masturbation might be a problem if she's going overboard with vibrators. At some point you then need to have the magic of some electronic device made in Japan.

  • Maybe just cool it on the sex no guy ever gave me orgasm before an my boyfriend did the other day cuz the amount of for play teasing an distance maybe not having sex will make it feel good again cuz having it so much an kinda kill it make it more like a chore

  • I would say 2 things tell her all the things you love about your relationship. Take her on more dates and focus less on sex. Use sex toys and try mutual masturbation. Maybe go to a sex shop with her. Or give her head outside somewhere your unlikely to be caught but it’s still possible.

    The two I especially mean though: Use sex toys and try mutual masturbation.

  • If I masturbate a lot throughout the day, I won't get wet when I need to. Kind of like guys get tired after they cum, our clits can eventually get tired too. Maybe try to tease her, my boyfriend does that when I'm not in the mood, and it works every time.

  • Talk about to her. It's a hard subject to bring up because you both know the problem, but once you sort it out, you'll be better.

  • If you dread having sex with her, you should tell her how you feel and what's bothering you. Otherwise the relationship needs to end.

  • Sit down and talk to her about it I need to sit down and talk with her about it tell her what you like and don’t mind communication is key for any relationship

  • Talk to her. Maybe try introducing new things, making it more interesting. Experiment. Maybe it will bring some new life into it

    • I was gonna say that but looks like you've taken my answer hahahah

  • Nah. You just wanted to post a detailed fantasy online.

    • How do you know it's fake?

  • Some women can’t get wet at all. Even though she in the mood. So getting lube is a needed. There plenty sex lied that’s hot.

  • use the sex toy... i always do and it makes it 10x better lots of people use them to enhance the mood. Just use it correctly and it will

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