Help! I don't know what to do sex has gotten to be so bad with my girlfriend that I dread having sex with her.

[MlleCake]

Then get out the danged sex toy. It's your friend.

A lot of women experience some form of sexual anhedonia, which is inability to really experience the pleasure as full pleasure. It can feel like nerve endings just stopped working for no good reason. (Men can sometimes have it too.)

The thing is she may really want, crave, deeply desire sex with you but sometimes there's just a mental block that makes it hard for the switch to flip on. It might work one day, and try the same thing the next day, it's like - meh - nothing.

But with lube, women can still perform sex even when we're not totally aroused. (Men can too, just, not with the penis.) So, sometimes we get used to having sex when we're not all the way aroused. And then it's sometimes really hard to communicate if we need some other, different kind of stimulation. And sometimes we have partners who get butthurt about taking direction. And then there's other stress, and shit, and probably most of us have been sexually harassed or abused in some way. And some of us have been sex shamed in a million other ways. And your dude is really wanting you to feel pleasure, but then that can be it's OWN pressure.

And believe it or not, all that emotional crap adds up. So just when you want to have one of those fantastic, explosive, massive, neighbors-call-the-cops kind of orgasms your clit fucking goes on strike.

I have literally looked down there and yelled at my crotch "can you work with me here?"

And I am maybe one of the most massively orgasmic women you'll ever talk to and even I have this problem sometimes.

Maybe don't take it as an insult from her. I guarantee, she's not willing her pussy to dry up like the desert. If you're going to by angry about anything, be angry at the internal pressures she feels that are making it hard for her to access her pleasure.

Help create a safe space for her to really talk about how she feels, what she needs, what's working and what is not working.

I'll be honest, my first husband being an actual asshole who didn't love me had a lot to do with why I couldn't enjoy sex. So you may have to hear some hard truths about any way you're contributing.

But it's probably not you at all. Or if it's you, it's just your frustration makes her feel worse and more stressed.

Here's something about opening up to experiencing incredible pleasure that may help.

Tantra Is The Opposite Of Porn – Learning How To Actually Be Intimate ↗

[selfishstars]

Okay.

So, in my opinion, sex is the beginning of a relationship is always the best sex in terms of arousal (that's not to say that long-term sex isn't awesome, it gets better in other ways). This is mainly due to what is termed NRE or new relationship energy. It's when your lust-levels are at their highest because everything is new and exciting. During this time, my partner just has to look at me in a certain way and my panties are soaked.

But after some time, you start to get used to sex and very comfortable with your partner. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It feels great to have sex with a partner that you're comfortable with, you know how to please each other better because you've learned exactly how the other person likes to be pleased, you feel more comfortable sharing and trying out fantasies, etc. But, on the other side, it can also mean that you don't get as wet or it takes longer for you to get aroused, and it can take longer to orgasm.

There are also many other things that affect arousal and ability to orgasm: mood, stress, self-esteem, medications, etc.

This likely has nothing to do with you, and it doesn't mean that your girlfriend isn't interested in sex, isn't turned or, or doesn't enjoy sex.

I find that there are often times when how aroused I feel mentally is not reflected by my body's physiological response. I do need to use artificial lubrication more often than I did at the beginning of my relationship. It's frustrating, but it does not mean that I'm not aroused or that I don't actually want sex. And it can make me feel bad or worry that my partner thinks it's his fault, when it really isn't.

If your girlfriend wasn't horny and interested in sex, she probably wouldn't be doing things like you've said (i.e. waking you up to initiate sex). But, I will say that there's a good chance that your behavior toward her might be having a negative effect on her self-esteem. I know that I'd feel hurt and worry that I was doing something wrong if my partner kept stopping or avoiding sex and telling me that he didn't want sex.

I think you should just relax and enjoy sex with your girl; I think you're making a big deal out of nothing, and if you already think your sex life is bad because of something minor like this, your behavior is a sure way to make it worse.

[TheDooworkkx]

Hi. I’m sorry to hear about your problem ! Don’t blame yourself 100% for this issue. It take a two. Sometimes us as women cannot get off with a man when our minds are thickened with worries and stress. Is there anything going on in her personal life that could be the root of the issue? Also masterbating the clitoris too much can cause a defect to the feeling or quick arousal touch. Anyway Id say try to have a sit down and actually try to figure it out. Maybe you can do new exciting things. Since it was just 2 months ago she was fine and now things have changed heavy there’s definitely something going on. Maybe she’s not happy with a job/life problems or she might be.. no offense but over the sex factor of your relationship because she’s bored of the same thing. I wouldn’t want to say she could be thinking about someone else but there’s a reason for everyone’s behavior. Sometimes a woman can be turned on by other things that make her appreciate you more. Like a super cute picnic at a nice scenic park or place, flowers, playing an instrument for her, doing things out together. Having a special movie night. Those are simple but could make a deference. Either way Both of you deserve to be happy. Honesty is the best policy hopefully she can be honest with you. Best of luck

[MrWizard]

Check out the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is likely there are other areas of your relationship that she might not be feeling her needs met. Perhaps you can fix those and get back on track. That said, it is rare that a girl is going to initiate sex if she isn't feeling loved.

She may also be having some physiological issues that her spirit is willing, but flesh is weak, so to speak. It sounds like you are over analyzing a bit here. Continue to be open with each other, but also be patient with her. Some ladies just take longer to get started and sometimes they want to have sex but their bodies just aren't cooperating.

Also, masturbating daily could be delaying her responses with you. Could she incorporate that into your foreplay?

[dill999]

if u want to try and get her back into sex for her birthday at night give her a gift in it with a letter saying go some where in the house and it will be there tell her not to open it say u want to see what she thinks put s£x toys for girls/woman in it she will use them at night and tell her u are hers to do what she want to a fer hours. lke have $ex or tied what ever she want u do to just do it and shw should start to like sex. and if it is hard to cum u should do it your self with your hand for about a week 1or2 times a day for a week it will help make sure not dry your penis it needs to be wet it will help u

[HalfACharlie123]

Not everyone is turned on by the same things. And maybe she is turned on and isn't reacting to it the same for a number of reasons. If she uses sex toys frequently it could be her getting desensitized the same way a man could masturbating to porn and getting erectile dysfunction. It could also be her wanting to try new and more interesting things, such as dangerous sex, or using kinks. Also, trying to use more or rougher foreplay is not always the answer to these types of situations. You could implement things into daily sex like toys or danger that get her wet, but it's also likely an emotional/mental thing that she's developed. She may think she's horny or even be in the mood but due to a mental block is unable to perform in such a way. It could be wise for you to get some couples therapy or do some research together. Don't just ask how to make it better, explain why you want to make it better. If she doesn't know this problem exists you can't help it. Communication is key with every relationship. I'm not an expert but I hope this provided some assistance.

[hahahmm]

Old post but mostly I think that you're overthinking things. A woman could be 1000% into you but not turned on because she's too stressed about something that isn't your fault. And it could also be that she's not turned on at the start but gets turned on during & she knows that too. It's not like you chained her up and forced her to have sex... she was begging you.

Her masturbation might be a problem if she's going overboard with vibrators. At some point you then need to have the magic of some electronic device made in Japan.

[Ewgies01]

Sounds to me like something more is going on. Maybe you accidentally said something that really hurt her and she isn’t comfortable telling you. Women are much more sensitive to things like that. We can completely lose our sex drive and shut down over one unresolved negative interaction.

My advice would be to sit down. Listen. Ask her how she is doing. Ask her if there’s anything she would like you to do differently. Be open. Be vulnerable. She will appreciate that.

Then, in bed, ask her what feels good to her. Maybe you are trying too hard when foreplay, maybe too much pressure. Relax. Touch her lightly and ask her what she likes.

[greenbeans23]

Well 1. just because she doesn't get wet doesn't mean she isn't turned on...maybe sometimes her body is just a little out of whack. I find my boyfriend very attractive and sexy but there have been times where I AM turned on but still kind of dry...and 2. I feel like honestly, from a girl's point of view, if she didn't want to have sex with you, she wouldn't be getting upset when you don't have sex after foreplay or she wouldn't have initiated all of that after she gave you the massage. If she wasn't turned on by you and didn't want to fool around, she'd be waaay less enthusiastic and not be upset when you don't want to have sex you know?

[saphirasilverwings]

You're being extremely picky. She was trying hard to do something special for you and she wanted to have sex- otherwise she wouldn't have done any of that. You can't assume that she isn't turned on just because she isn't wet. And if I were her, I would be freaked out enough by your behavior that I'd have trouble feeling turned on too. Don't hold what her body does or doesn't do against her. She can't control whether or not she's wet. You can't expect her to react in certain ways just to make YOU feel good about yourself.

I would suggest trying to relax and go with the flow more. Try to have fun and stop questioning everything that happens.

[KatDecarmo]

Oh man dude. It sounds like youve tried what you could on your own already. Your only true option to solve this is by straight up talking to her and mentioning exactly how you feel, your observations, what its doing to you etc. Basically, like how u wrote here. And, if she gives you a uninterested or obv dishonest response then your relationship or she has way bigger probs. Your gonna have to talk to her man even if u dont want to. You guys should still be in your honey moon period, not having sexual probs like this at 4 months together. Things do settle down a bit after a while and not every time is gonna be this hot drawn out encounter. Women do get dry, and, they do very often take a long time to finish, and sometimes... even just can't. It seems like ur trying to turn her on tho but are internalizing and reading into it and blaming your self for it. Best thing is talk to her dude.

[clover26]

Maybe just cool it on the sex no guy ever gave me orgasm before an my boyfriend did the other day cuz the amount of for play teasing an distance maybe not having sex will make it feel good again cuz having it so much an kinda kill it make it more like a chore

[infp_libra_78]

Did you tell her everything you're telling us? Sometimes people need sex as a habit when they are in a relationship. It's hotter sometimes than others. You perhaps are more of a romantic. Maybe get out of your head a bit. Roll with the regular sex, and put energy into making the occasional sex a little crazier or experimental

[19vetteman91]

Slow down make sure you are kissing more on both sets of lips plus use your fingers, as for play is just part of it. if that isn't working then you might need some help with your your technics as I may not be hitting her hot spots ! If not well it's just another thing you can look forward to after menapos! Or just buy some lube

[Lynnae1]

My boyfriend and I are having the same issue. I am completely 100% attracted to him and I'm not interested in having sex with anyone else. I just get the feeling sometimes that he is bored with me and that's because I'm dealing with self-esteem Issues. He makes me feel wanted and all but I still feel very insecure. So it makes me not so into sex. maybe she's having the same issue. Start telling her how sexy she is all the time. Not just when you're having sex. Boost her confidence. That's what I would want

[jeffnevrotski]

Comunication in bed is so important. She may not like the toys and letting you do it because she thinks you like it. This could also be all in your head too with your own insecurities. You need to tell the other what you like as its being done, if your just off her spot tell her to move your head a bit when giving oral and tell you thr things she dont like. Also tell eachother your fantasies and desires every time you have sex should be better than last time

[Blume20]

you know, she probably thinks the same thing. She wanted to have sex and you turned her down. She might be thinking you are not into her! and the solution: talk to her. tell her you would rather her be honest , and you feel that she is not into sex anymore. and ask her if there are things you can do that she wants to try. And maybe she is still interested in sex, as relationships settle, sex can also change.

[Texasgal95]

Sit down and talk to her about it I need to sit down and talk with her about it tell her what you like and don’t mind communication is key for any relationship

[1smcguire1]

Women like a guy who is in control of everything including sex. For my girl and me. I get her worked up in foreplay and intercourse and tell her... no I demand her not to cum. She's not allowed to cum until I tell her she can. She loves it and she has huge multiple orgasms.
When she tries to be in control of the sex she gets anal.
Go caveman on her. I promise you she will like it.

[dillion12]

Well i think she feels intimidated by your stamina which makes her teach herself to hold herself from getting wet cos i take it from the moment she gets wet she is ever ready to cum so many times, just get her to relaxbim taking it she enjoys sex with you, just get her to feel relaxed more sexually with you, adore her more and you might be in for a treat... 😜😜

[Annoymus707]

First of all your not doing anything wrong you seem perfect , all I can suggest is talking to her and just ask her that’s all you can do , talk to her.

[Rockyren89]

I guess you both have gone past the sexual drive zone and entered the let's live life zone. No human being has a permanent goal. I believe that applies for intimacy as well. The way your girl friend says that she enjoys it though means that she likes you more than just the sex. That's a good sign. Keep her happy in other ways apart from sex. All the best

[Rooster420]

Change things up. A lot of time in a relationship we get too comfortable in our routines, and when that happens the spark is gone. Be spontaneous in and out of the bed room. Pin her against the wall and kiss her like you will never get to again. Share a fantasy of yours and ask her if she has any. If all else fails Tease her for a few days or a week until she begs you to finally release her.

[AllieAnswersThings]

If you dread having sex with her, you should tell her how you feel and what's bothering you. Otherwise the relationship needs to end.

[Gomezaddam51]

It sounds like you need a whole new experience. Ask her how she feels about threesomes. Or find a sex group near you that has orgies and join them. Anything to break up the same old same old.