Sexual Health
+1 y

I was raped, now my boyfriend won't talk to me.. what do I DO?

I was in shock and didn't confess it was rape until two weeks after it happened, which made things complicated with doctors and stuff and especially my boyfriend because I didn't tell him it was rape. I know that was stupid, but bear with me this is a hard time and I'm dealing with some tough psychological stuff! (the counselors at the assault clinic said it's normal) I finally told him about a week ago and he said he had to think and would call me... he still hasn't called me and I know that's a lot to think about, but it's making it hard to deal with the rest of the stuff I have going on. Plus, I always respected him and loved his outlook on life so if I had something going on, I'd always go to him about it...now I don't really have anyone...and a big boyfriend hug would make me feel so much better. With the rape I felt like I lost my sense of security, some sanity and now I feel like I've lost my best friend. what can I do?
Updates:
+1 y
not sure that anyone cares about this...but he FINALLY called and demanded to know the guy's name, age, high school, height, weight, hair color, ethnicity, what kind of car he drives, where he goes to school now, if he played sports in high school etc. I guess he wants to kill the guy or something and is angry that I won't do anything about the situation. He said that he feels like there's nothing he can do...and there was lots of choked up man-silence. so yeah.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • To clarify, does your boyfriend think you willingly slept with someone else? If so, I think you need to be honest with him. Simply tell him the truth: you were raped and you have been overwhelmed so you didn't tell anyone.

    Once he knows and has had some time to process, I think it would be worth another chat even if you have to initiate it. See if he would meet you to talk face to face. Once there, just be honest: you miss him and could really use his support.

    I can certainly understand your guy also being confused and overwhelmed, but given the truth of the situation, I think he should at least be there to provide some comfort and support.

    Regardless of what he does, try to find a support group of women to connect with to help your healing.

    • yeah he thought I fooled around with the guy willingly..but I told him eventually what happened...about a week ago actually. He's working in california right now and I don't know when he's coming back, I'd like to talk to him in person..but it's not an option right now.

    • Got it. I hope he comes to see the truth. Sounds like you might just need to give him some time.

  • If he can't be there for you at a time like this, and if he can't understand why it would be difficult for you to say anything for a few weeks, then he is not such a great friend.

    The only thing you can do is say to him: "get your act together and call me, cause I need you now! Or if you can't, don't call me at all."

    • I mean, he originally thought I cheated because I couldn't admit that it wasn't consensual...so two weeks later, me bringing it up would make him think I was lying I guess...but I'm not lying and he won't talk to me about it, so I can't really try to get him to believe me! I tried texting him asking him to call me because not hearing from him was making things worse..but no response.

    • ^ I agree with him as well!

    • I don't like this guy. Let him go.

Most Helpful Girls

  • If I went through the same thing you did...

    My ex lover would hunt the f***er down and make sure the guy ended up at the bottom of the Pacific or something.

    What's there to "think about"? You were raped. It's not "Oh she willingly did this to me", he needs to grow a pair and take care of his lady.

    And if he can't do that, f*** that guy. He's no friend.

    Tell him plain and simple "I am having a difficult time right now and I need you. I need my best friend, I need to feel secure."

    If he can't do that, he's not worth anything.

    • Strongly agree. You need to tell him you need him. If he doesn't coming swooping in like f***ing superman, he isn't worth your time.

    • he thought I had cheated :( and he probably thinks I'm lying...it's my fault I guess.

    • Don't say that. it's far from your fault. He's the one in the wrong here

    • Show All

  • It seems like your boyfriend was in shock about it and/or he didn't know the right things to do or say after you first told him.
    I just read your update. I'm glad your boyfriend opened up communication with you again! Him being angry about the situation is valid-it means he really cares about you. I'm sorry you were raped. :( It's a very awful thing for someone to go through. Counseling is good for you right now-keep going to counseling if you need to.
    The rape was not your fault and whoever thinks it was your fault is dumb and insensitive.

  • I'm so sorry. That happened to me too except I was single. I don't know what to say about the boyfriend but I do know it is easier to say you consented than admit he forced you. I hope you get better. Things will be okay and the right guy will be understanding. Maybe he is just in shock.

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 7

  • 1. I was raped, now my boyfriend won't talk to me.. what do I DO? Accept that you f*cked up and moved on.

    You probably waited too long to correct him that it was rape not cheating so most likely he doesn't believe you.

    Most guys think girls lie about rape & most guys think if a girl is says she was raped it means she had sex or drunk sex and later on regretted it.

    2. what can I do? Get some rape therapy, join a supporter group, and learn some self-defense.

    • I didn't 'f*ck up' I was raped. there's a really big difference.

    • You f*cked up on how you handled it. He thought you cheated, you let him think that, now you correct him, and due to the period of time he probably has doubts. You f*cked up. So rape therapy, assualt clinic counseling, and join a supporter group.

  • If he's not willing to stand by your side through this - he's not worthy of you.

  • I don't know what to tell you Sweetie. Were I in his shoes, a hug would be the first thing I'd want to give you...followed closely by a lot of TLC. I'm guessing that he just doesn't know what to do. Call him and tell him you really need him and to please call you. If he doesn't respond to that, seek solace with someone else...a girlfriend, or a guy who's just a friend. THOSE people won't let you down.

  • He's a creep he's a creep. Sorry to say this but he's a creep.

    From all that has happened to you, your boyfriend should be totally supportive - not distancing himself. That is SO UNFAIR of him because it seems like it's a time when you really could use a friend. I just hope he gets his act together and realizes that his support is important.

    PS He's a creep

    • it does feel really unfair. I didn't ask for this. thank you...I hope so too.

    • I was never raped - but I was jumped at a bank machine one night. The guy tried to rob me. I didn't give any money and the reason I'm alive today is because he had no weapon, only his fist. As I inched my way towards the front door (this was late at night) he fled once I got there. He was never seen, even by me. My family said it was my fault I was attacked because I "wasn't paying attention to my surroundings". So I know how it is to be accused of such nonsense. I wish you well.

  • It's important to tell your counsler about your boyfriend. Most of all don't blame yourself for him leaving. At least now you know what kind of man he is. You need to think about yourself right know. I don't know how old this guy is or how long you've know him, but if he comes back and does anything less than helping you throught this time tell him to leave.

  • Im really sorry about what happened to you , I hope that you will feel better soon .

    I think that you should just tell him that you need him now .

    • is it weird to tell my boyfriend I need him?

    • No and he should be with you , what I was trying to say is that you should just tell him so you can have him by your side .. I can't really understand why he behaves like that .

  • were you a virgin maybe that's why or either you cheated on him

    • nah, and I don't think rape counts as cheating.

    • yea but you waited for so long to tell , and you act like nothing happen

  • what a jerk! I can't decide if this is a turn off for him or if he's just so upset, he doesn't know what to say to you

    maybe you should reach out to him one more time

  • maybe you shouldn't have drank to the point of losing consciousness ?

    • I wasn't unconscious. Also, I didn't know this at the time but being on all my medications while drinking makes even a few drinks really serious.

    • F*** you, and I don't mean that politely either. Rape is NEVER the victim's fault whether she drank anything or not.

    • @Ugliness, you. I like you. thanks.

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