How can I accept that I will never get pregnant?

Question

first I am not trying to have a child but I was told after having surgery at 17 that I won't have children or get pregnant due to multiple hormone/female issues. the more and more I think about it the more hurt I become. I'm OK if I don't think about it but when I see a pregnant women in public I get upset and angry. adoption isn't an option and fertility treatments are FAR too expensive so how can I come to terms with this?

peace-love-couture · Accepted Answer

It really bothers me when I read questions like this only for the question asker to be bombarded with "what about adoption."

Yes, adoption is an option as is in vitriol but many women have a natural, biological desire to carry and birth their children. There's nothing wrong with a woman not wanting to adopt or just wanting her own children. And no, in not infertile. I do want children and I wanna adopt 1-3 children from Japan and/S. Korea.

Anyways, like every other person who intends in getting married or getting into a serious relationship, you will need to find someone you're compatible with. It's easy to say you want children while you're young, but as people get older and the crowd they hang out with changes (married couples with kids or fellow employees etc), people have different wants and needs. But there are many people who DO NOT want kids no matter what and whether they're 20 or 40, their feelings won't change. You simply have to find someone you're compatible with and who will not mind the not having children thing.

For you to accept it, I think it will be a day by day process. Remember, you shouldn't want children because someone else wants children. Having a child and raising a child is no joke, it is something you have to be serious about. If you truly want children then this feeling isn't something that is going to leave overnight. It's OK to feel hurt or to feel perhaps empty or however you feel. It's OK to be upset or angry, that's normal. Let those feelings out. Talk to your partner and tell him how you feel or write in a journal. But don't let it turn into bitterness or hate. You aren't the only woman who can't have children, so just know you aren't the only one going through it.

But regardless of your ability to have children, you will be able to find happiness and content within yourself and life. Don't let it hold you back though. You only get one life and this is something you can't change, so you shouldn't let it stop you from being happy and finding someone who makes you happy.

Good luck

cun7n1nja · Accepted Answer

I wish I knew how to help, but I wanted to let you know that I feel the same way sometimes. My issue isn't as severe as yours, I'm fairly certain, but I have cysts on my ovaries and have NEVER ovulated regularly or had regular periods. Which obviously greatly decreases my chances of conceiving. Of course plenty of girls with ovarian cysts DO eventually end up pregnant, whether accidentally or through years of trying, but it scares the crap out of me that I may be one of those girls who never does. I'm not worried about it right now because I'm not trying to have kids right now, I'm on the pill and I don't think I'm ready. But I get horrible anxiety about the future when I think about it, that I may not be able to have children naturally when I'm ready and trying for kids. It's not NOT having kids that freaks me out so much, it's the idea that I may not have a choice in it, that I might want to conceive so badly but not be able to. That I might have no say just because my hormones are doing things/have done things to my body that I have no control over and can't change.

I feel the same way about IVF, because I don't see how I could ever afford that. And that kills me, because while it may not be done the 'natural' way, I'd still have my genes and the genes of my partner, and I'd still get to experience pregnancy. Using a surrogate [with my own egg and my dude's sperm] wouldn't be affordable either, and while I'd have a piece of me and my partner, I wouldn't get to be pregnant myself. Adoption isn't cheap either. I wouldn't mind adopting and I'd like to give a loving home to a child who needs one, but I also want at least one child of my own, from my own body. It really sucks to think about. =/ Yours might be more of a definite, whereas mine is a maybe, but I just thought I'd let you know that I can relate to what you're saying and I feel for ya.

moniquinha · Accepted Answer

My heart goes out to you because I know that having children and experiencing pregnancy is sort of a birthright for women. I get it...I really do. But I will share this thought with you.

I'm not sure why you think adoption isn't an option. But I've often heard people say that they won't adopt because they don't know what they'll get. Honestly it's the same deal with pregnancy. we all carry unfavorable genes. I had my son at 27...I was perfectly healthy, my husband too, had a great stress-free preganancy and my son was later diagnosed with autism and developmental delay.

What I'm saying is: there are no guarantees in life. The best we can do is to deal with the options and opportunities available to us. Any situation can bring you happiness as long as you alter your perspective. There are plenty of great kids out there that need a loving home. You could be the one to change a child's outcome. Just my thoughts. :)

allan1153 · Accepted Answer

In your original question you stated that adoption was not an option but in comments below you seem open to considering it, so I would just like to point out that adoption is a beautiful and wonderful option for building a family. I've never adopted myself, but I go to church with a family that foster parents and they have adopted several of the children that they have taken in over the years.

Even watching from a distance it is absolutely amazing to see a terrified 3 year old from an abusive or neglected home transform into a happy and joyous kid simply because they've finally experienced the love and compassion of caring parents.

You may have to miss out on the morning sickness, stretch marks, and swollen ankles; but you don't have to miss out on the extraordinary beauty of your sons or daughters playful laughter and adoring smile. I don't intend to make light of the opportunity to experience pregnancy and give birth, but I do want to point out that having a family runs far deeper than the biological process. Feeling a kick in the womb may be amazing, but it can't compare to those little hands reaching up for your embrace.

Adoption may not be your ideal choice, but I believe it is well worth considering.

God bless and know that hope is never lost.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

I understand that this is something that you want and it's important to you, but it's probably not something that anyone can really control. Fortunately, you live in a time where there is a ton of research and technology working on these types of problems, so you never know. Even if you aren't able to carry a child yourself, you may be able to use a serrogate to carry your child (i.e., from your egg), something that's only been possible very recently.

At the end of the day, though, you can love a child that didn't grow inside you just as much as one that did, if you decide to open your mind. You are bigger than this, and you'll be fine.

Phoenix1991 · Answer

You accept by starting thinking about it whenever you decide you can move on.

The right guy will accept you and will understand that you can't have kids and will still desire to be with you regardless. I know when your find the right person, we desire to be with them not because we see their perfect side, but because we see that their little imperfections and help them eventually help them feel perfect by relieving them off their imperfections from their mind.

I'm sure it would be a let down for him not to be a dad but he will understand it will be even more of a let down for you because you won't be able to be a mother. So he will understand and still help you see the positivity of life. I believe if there is a will, there's a way, so I hope you eventually find both, good luck.

gonyr · Answer

while some of the treatments, or a surrogate are expensive, you don't know what yo.ur situation will be like when that time comes, and maybe its something you'd be able to do

but why wouldn't adoption be an option?

i have a friend who's adopted, and they are completely normal, and think of the adoptive parents just as anyone else would think of their biological ones. your also offering a stable home to a kid who under other circumstances may have had a very tough upbringing, hell you could even be saving their life

Shea25 · Answer

well I have harmones problem, there is an chance I can have children but it will be extremely difficult. but somehow I still know what you are going true. there isn't a way to fully come to terms with it but finding a guy who loves you anyway (n there are some out there), considering the possibility for adoption of a baby (its not the same but the mother-child bond would be d same regaldless of the biological factor), praying (miracles can happen and if not it may help you in understanding that God may not want you to have children but maybe he wants to help another child out there who needs you), and saving money for fertility treatments helps. I don't think you will ever fully get over it but with time you will accept.

Habakkuk · Answer

with a guy that loves you and helps you deal with it

6Paul11 · Answer

You will have to find a way to carry on. Find a counselor or a professional that you can talk to. You're not the first, nor will you be the last to have a situation like this.

taster · Answer

What about In Vitro Sabby?

AllDay · Answer

I'm really sorry you have to go through that.

I'm sure you will find a way through it. :)

If I were you I would try to make sense of it. [I'm sure you did something like this already]

But you cannot change the past and not get that surgery or whatever so you have to deal with what you have. You know you can't have kids so we can't fix that. That's a definite.

But what I would do is to try and look for the reason of why me. I know this a dangerous road but possibly you were meant for greater things?

Main thing to remember is to accept it.

Maybe you can be a teacher and view your students as your kids? (Obviously not sexually but some teachers view their students as their kids)

I'm sorry if I didn't help much or if I was all over the place.

If you want I have a bunch of inspirational quotes on my profile that you can read and if you want to vent you can message me.

I wish I could help you out more =/

irykiryk · Answer

My heart goes out to you. It's a terrible thing, but your life ain't over yet. Have courage!

Alpha_1 · Answer

I think you should rethink adoption.  What about a surrogate?  I know adoption isn't what you had in mind but it's a very good alternative.  I am sure life will give you a lot and there is more than enough to do with out children.  With the way the economy is going, having kids is gonna be a burden.  You can work very hard and make so much money so you can get treatments.

Hades · Answer

The artificial womb may be able to help you out when it's completed!

defytraditiongirl · Answer

well having a kid is a big responibility

Anonymous · Answer

I can have kids and I've honestly considered NOT having them and adopting instead. It breaks my heart to think of all of those little people just aching for someone to love and take care of them. I understand the desire to have your own biological children, but just imaginging how a child must feel when there is no one there to care for them and nurture them and how I could help change that stirs a maternal instict in me too. I think about the little girls I read about being the sex trade at age 5 and similar stories, and how much they don't deserve those lives.

I know you might not feel the same way, just pointing out that there is a HUGE emotional aspect to adoption, despite not carrying the child and having the genetic bond.

Anonymous · Answer

I am very sorry to hear, I would speak to someone, I don't think people on GAG are qualified to give you the help and support you deserve, especially that freak who said you weren't meant to pass on your genes. He clearly isn't meant to pass on his, retard.

Anonymous · Answer

maybe you're just not meant to pass on your genes

Anonymous · Answer

why isn't adoption an option? if it's too expensive, then start saving or marry a guy that already  has kids

How can I accept that I will never get pregnant?

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