My husband is a prude, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

So we've been married for a year now and we've always had a healthy sex life compared to most people. But I have a very high sex drive, I'd be happy to do it every night. My husband, however, is the total opposite. He initiates maybe 2 or 3 times a month! The majority of the time I initiate and get turned down. He also doesn't like p*rn, never has. And he won't go down on me. I'm clean, don't smell funny, clean shaven, what's the problem? I go down on him all the time. Now before you ask, yeah he's always had a lower sex drive than me but not this bad. And why did I marry him if the sex isn't phenomenal, well...I love him. So my question is, how can I get him to be a little more kinky? Experiment more and all that without making him feel emasculated or like he's not good? He refuses to just chat casually about sex.

[cavmanier]

That sucks. It seems like it's usually the guy that has this problem. From my experience I'd say the only way you can really try and change this is if you work on your relationship first and make sure both of you are happy and treating each other well. Assuming the relationship is good you just gotta let him know how you want sex more but try and do it in the least aggressive and nonthreatening way. Let him know it makes you happy, cared about or whatever. Try not to make him feel like he's wrong for not having a high drive rather it makes you feel happy. All I can think of is just ask him to try it if your into something kinky. I don't think guys care much about kinky sex as long as they get it. If he loves you he should do what you want sometimes though to compromise or that's pretty selfish obviously. He may just not be the kind of guy that wants to chat casually about sex. You'll probably realize at some point that you can't really change people unless they want to change. If you love him for who he is and he's sees it he may be more inclined to work on himself.

[TheDigitalSaint]

Have you tried talking to him directly about your needs? How about meeting somewhere in the middle?

Here's some of the reasons he may have a lower sex drive:

1. Work

2. Stress in general

3. Exhaustion

4. You put on weight

5. He put on weight

6. Low testosterone

7. Some other medical condition

8. A combination of factors above or perhaps something else

You need to talk to him about why you love your husband inside of you and how manly that makes him feel. Don't be afraid to talk dirty to him outside of the bedroom. He needs to know that you love him and want him, not are scolding him because he isn't fulfilling your nightly desires (hey, many guys would kill for that). Ask him what you can do to help him and be prepared to listen carefully.

[Asker]

Yeah I honestly have. I've tried to sit down and talk to him about it, ask him questions, etc. He just doesn't respond to it. He doesn't want to discuss it. His opinion on it is "this is sex. this is how it is. it's not changing so get used to it". Not in those harsh words but basically, that's what it boils down to. Giving you best answer just because you were so thorough :) Thank you for that.

[TheDigitalSaint]

You are welcome. I suggest you talk to a couples counselor or even write him a letter. If he doesn't want to talk about it, he might feel more comfortable at least hearing you out if he doesn't hear your voice (which he might associate with an argument). I saw in the post below that school might be very stressful for him. How's his grades and course load?

[Asker]

A letter is a great idea! I might try that. Well he's military, in A-school. Leaves at 6am and doesn't get home till 8pm. No homework but does have mandatory study hours. So yeah, he's stressed. But he was like this before he even went to bootcamp.

[TheDigitalSaint]

It could be mental, perhaps something that his XO is asking him to do? That's a high stress profession. Just write that letter and make it as non-judgmental as possible. Focus on how good he makes you feel when he has his way with you and that you love it and would like it more often.

[Asker]

I'll definitely try that. Thanks for your help :)

[MrOracle]

I agree that some couples therapy is needed here.

Also, know that it is VERY common for the following things to reduce a man's libido:

- Stress! Financial issues, family problems, work stuff, whatever.

- Exhaustion. Long work hours, difficult commutes, lack of sleep.

- Medications. MANY medications reduce libido. SSRIs (depression meds) often do this.

If one or more of these is contributing to the problem, then perhaps you can help them in some way, and at least you can understand where at least part of the problem is coming from.

But counselling would probably be very helpful for you both.

[dnately]

You guys are going to have to go see a coupled councilor. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

cuckold him

[Anonymous]

you should be happy that he doesn't need sex to love you.

[Asker]

I know he loves me, that's not the problem. He's just not great at expressing that love physically lol. And like I said, I'm a very sexual person, I DO need that. Sex in a marriage is just as important as love. Once the sex goes, the marriage goes.

[Opinion Owner]

I diagree. sex won't last forever... you'll get too old for it one day. Love can last forever though.

[Asker]

Obviously. I'm not saying that love isn't the foundation for a marriage, I'm saying that sex plays a huge roll in keeping the passion alive.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this too you, but you have a really tough road ahead of you. peoples sex drives don't change much, you are going to have a hard time getting him to want sex more. I think you may consider a divorce.

But to answer your question, watch p*rn with him as for play and do what they are doing. Wear wigs, and dress in a costumes.

[Asker]

I get what you're saying. I'd never divorce him though because, like I said, he's always kind of been this way. It wouldn't be fair for me to leave him for something I knew about going into the marriage. I mean, obviously, I didn't know it'd be this bad but it may just be a rough patch. He does go to a really intense school that drains him a lot. He doesn't like p*rn :(

[Opinion Owner]

I've slept with many married women over the years, and they are always sexually unsatisfied with their husbands, do you feel you can go 40 years without getting laid a fraction of the times you want? Surprisingly sex is a big aspect of a relationship, it can break relationships. Have you ever thought your husband may be gay? because a couple times a month is very, very, low compared to other guys. Has he ever given any indications of being gay?

[Asker]

Haha no, my husband isn't gay. That I'm very sure of. He did endure a testicle injury while wrestling in middle school. Could that have anything to do with it? He doesn't complain of pain but idk.

[Opinion Owner]

I think you just discovered the because of the problem. Seriously, the testicles are responsible for producing testosterone, the male hormone that controles sex drive. If his testicle is damaged, and thus not producing testosterone in less than normal quantities, that would explain his low sex drive. Or it could just be his personality, or a combination of them both. How old is he, and how old are you?

[Asker]

I think it might be a combination. I didn't even know that could be a possibility but it makes sense now. If I even push the issue a little bit like say "please baby?" he gets explosively mad. It's weird. I wonder what we could do to figure out a solution. I'm 20, he's 21.

[Opinion Owner]

Ahhh, you are both so young and in love, that makes me happy. Anyhow, a typcal 21 year old man wants a lot of sex. I hate to say it, but I've read quite extensively about sexual psychology, and unfortunately your man is not going to change, this is just who he is. Think of it this way, could you ever be satisfied getting it one or 2 times a month?...No, because you are genetically wired to want it a lot, he is the opposite. Have you thought about sneaking behind his back if he doesn't change?

[Asker]

Thanks :) lol. We do have a really happy marriage, despite all this. And no, I'd never go behind his back. Like I said, I do absolutely love him. If he stays this way, yeah it'll be an issue. But I rather talk to him about it than just cheat.

[Opinion Owner]

You sound like an honorable woman, good for you, my ex was a run around, glad to know some women don't cheat. Have you ever considered seeing if your husband will let you sleep with other men, since he can't keep up. You never know, some men don't mind.

[Asker]

Thank you so much! I take a lot of pride in being a good, caring, loving wife. And he's a great husband and wants me to be happy. I don't think he'd be too thrilled with the idea at first but if he just didn't want to do it anymore, I think he would consider it. We've also talked about it because when he gets deployed I'll be very lonely. But it was kind of a joke when it got brought up in convo lol.

[Opinion Owner]

I use to sleep with a woman who's husband was in prison. She'd sleep around on him with me and my friends and then visit her husband once a week telling him she's waiting for him. That said, congradulations on being true even while your husband is deployed, that takes a lot of discipline. My ex claimed to love me, but cheated, however you claim to love your husband but don't cheat, why can you not do it, but my ex did, best guess?

[Asker]

Well women have needs to and they don't go away when the husband does lol. You just have to do your best. I think the difference is really loving someone. My husband is truly my best friend and I really really love him. I've never lied to him, well I tried to once but came clean immediately because I felt awful about it. I could never do anything behind his back. You just have to find the right woman who can love you like that.