I think guys only see me in a sexual way, why is that?

[karlinmenot]

i'm 21 and I currently live by myself in a big city. I've had 2 boyfriends in the past, one ended in a sour note while the other one ended due to lack of intensity..im single and I'm dating but I can't seem to find a decent guy. ever since I was in high school I always thought guys are solely attracted to me because I seem to exude "raw sexuality". I don't wear revealing clothes and I don't really tease guys to exude that much sexual appeal and I'm having a hard time because of it. . i can't date without thinking this guy only sees me as an object and to be honest I'm feeling crap about it. its nice for people to seem to want you but when they are more interested in getting into your pants than you as a person, it gets irritating and tiring. case in point, I'm dating this 26 year old guy, he's smart, funny and cute but after we had sex its like things just went south of the border. the sex was great but I think that's the only thing keeping our "relationship" alive. my question is why? are all guys the same? do they only care about sex nowadays. I just want someone to talk to, to hang out with, to share poetry with.. to have fun without taking our clothes off. is that even possible nowadays?

[voodoochild]

I actually think allot of this is in your head: You attract what you think...

If you think all men are pigs that only want sex from you, you will treat them like that (being distant and distrustful) and it will only end up in them losing attraction for you.

Allot of this really seems to be just in your head.

Especially this sentence says it all:

"i can't date without thinking this guy only sees me as an object."

Men notice this as well (unconsciously) and will end up treating you the same distant and distrustful way they will.

if you change your mindset around, you will change your life around...Take a more positive outlook on men.

[l-hedoniste]

This is probably sexist, but probably true: "Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love."

Let your guys know that the sex is conditional on hanging out and sharing poetry, clothes-on. The men who are only interested in sex will shuffle off, the ones who want the whole package will stick around.

[karlinmenot]

I certainly give sex to get love and I think that's my biggest flaw.

[l-hedoniste]

Flaw?

[karlinmenot]

Yah, some girls they use charm or smarts or whatever, I kinda use the sex appeal to get some love but it always backfires on me. one moment he's sweet and he;s caring and he's like the ultimate boyfriend and then after some time and lots of sex, he suddenly transforms into this different kind of person... and most often than not, I end up single and dating again. its like a cycle and I'm getting tired of it.

[l-hedoniste]

Smarts is commonplace, charm just takes practice. Sex appeal, however, is rare, and irresistable. Ask your girlfriends--girls pay a lot of time, money, and effort to fake what you were born with. Hell, *I* spend a lot of time, money, and effort faking what you were born with. Your problem, I'm guessing, is perhaps communication or assertive. It isn't sex appeal--that's a solution.

[Reeses-pieces777]

some guys are just pieces of sh*t, they're lazy and they don't want to work for their girl or work to deserve them..

my ex boyfriends and most guys I've dated have been just after how I look as well. the key is to not dress in a sexual way and be genuine. and hopefully they get the hint. stay away from the creepers or the lazy ass pieces of sh*t who only look at a girl as an object. just say they're not good enough for you. I am sometimes arrogant but I believe I deserve a lot better than all the guys I've been dating, they are all garbage. so find someone better for you. cheers

[going-insane]

It could be that you are putting out too soon. Don't always think sex as a way to keep a relationship together. Think sex as an added bonus to a relationship. Don't give sex away too quickly as you have no other connection besides sex therefore you "exude the so called raw sexuality". If you only connect through sex your relationship won't be what you want it to be and it won't last as long as you hope it would. Guys will just think you are easy.

[checkit88]

i'm in college and I've really only been in long term relationships, with a few hookups in between those relationships. I think you may be hanging out in the wrong places because I feel like there are some very decent guys out there. Are you attracted to musicians or bad boys? (some musicians are OK but the majority are very selfish) I agree with the person who said you could go online. guys on eharmony are looking for more than just sex.

[karlinmenot]

Haha trust me, I've been to so many places to know if I'm hanging out with the wrong group. I'm not into musicians but I think I like this subculture of guy specie; the don juans. haha so yah.. I think I'm just gunning for the wrong guys but I can't help it, some are just plain boring.

[checkit88]

Ahh don juans?! stay away!!!!

[karlinmenot]

Did you have the same experience?

[checkit88]

No, but my friends have.

[karlinmenot]

So are they still together?

[checkit88]

Not at all

[Jolly-Green-Giant]

I would say we are definitely not all the same. I honestly am finding it hard to find a girl who doesn't want to just f***. My roommates are only going for the sex and I would think that the ones like me are few and far between. I have in the past gone on 'adventures' or day trips with some lady friends and have a blast. I enjoy just hanging out. boardgames are a blast as well! and card games too! What kind of poetry do you write? could I get a sample?

[karlinmenot]

Sure, just go to

link

hmm.. so have we become so obsessed with sex we couldn't even hang-out with someone from the opposite without sex crossing our minds? I don't know, I guess, its just me, but its pathetic. sometimes I just wanna lock myself in, not go out and relax!!! haha if only life is that is easy

[Jolly-Green-Giant]

That's what I do. It gets depressing sometimes. But I think it is ridiculous that that is all people think about these days. I mean in a way it is instinct or call it what you will but the society of today has been conditioned to think like this which is sad. I must say to be honest it will cross my mind here or there but most of the time I just push it away and the big difference is not acting on it.

[karlinmenot]

Well most guys I know tend to act on it and most guys I like and would wanna date are on the aggressive side of things. you know what I don't get? I don't wanna be treated as an object but if I happen to like someone, all bets are off, its like I am okay with them treating me as such. its like instant gratification, a self-esteem booster. then after sex, I just feel like crap, like I've been used ot something. does that make me weird???

[Jolly-Green-Giant]

Well I think you could shut them down...which in a way isn't really thought of as a choice. Also once again we are the generation of 'i want something and I want it now.' We don't always look at the end result before we perform an action no matter what it is. I do know what you mean by the fact that having a relationship is a confidence booster and feels good however as you said the end result isn't what you would like. Perhaps you could see if they wouldn't mind going on a date or adventure-sex

[Anonymous]

Most guys are like that. Even if you dress classy and don't talk about sex, that's what 90% of them want. The longer you wait it becomes easier to weed those types out though. Good luck, I know how that sucks

[karlinmenot]

Thing is I'm getting tired of waiting. I just want something substantial to start. I guess, I'm just scared of being alone. I don't know... thanks :)

[Anonymous]

Sure, it's possible. I'm guessing you must have a really rocking body...that is going to distract guys. You say you don't wear revealing clothes, but maybe you should dress to downplay your, ah, assets.

Or meet a guy online, where he can get to know you without seeing you.

[karlinmenot]

Well you can't hide everything, can you? I don't think I have a rocking body, I don't know what people sees in me, I'm starting to wonder if I gave the "easy" vibe. I don't know.