My ex told me I'm boring in bed?

[Anonymous]

We were arguing and he mentioned I'm "boring in bed". It's weird 'cause usually during the act he usually said he loved what I was doing and he also usually told me I had "great skills". And now he tells me I'm boring in bed and it's a huge blow to my ego. It's one of the few things he never criticized me about. He criticized me for everything but sex. I left the relationship with really poor self esteem and now this. Apparently it has to do with the fact I seldom initiated, but I've always feared rejection and I explained that to him often, but when he started, I followed and usually took over. It's not that I didn't want him, I'm just not good at initiating. Anyway, do you think he meant it, do you think he said that out of anger? I don't wanna think of myself as "boring in bed", that's too discouraging... makes me think any other guy will also think that about me.

[MrOracle]

IMO, the majority of that comment came from anger/hurt, but there has to be a bit of truth there too. And I'm sure it has a lot to do with you not initiating; he really wanted/needed that to feel sexually desired by you.

When a guy feels sexually desired, like you can't keep your hands off of him, it boosts his ego and confidence in a HUGE way, and it sounds like in his mind, you initiating sex (or sexual stuff) with him is one of the big ways he feels that.

Imagine how you'd feel if your man never told you that you were beautiful/attractive/desirable. You would always feel insecure and a bit empty inside. That's what he was feeling.

It's GOOD that you were able to communicate to him WHY you had trouble initiating (many can't or won't do that, which makes it even worse), but hopefully he reassured you, and made you understand that not only would he not reject you, but that he is practically BEGGING for you to initiate so that he feels validated and valued and desired. Men place much the same importance on sex, and on feeling sexually desirable, as women place on romance.

I don't really think this has anything to do with your skills or performance in the bedroom, once things were started. He just wanted to feel like you were SO attracted to him that you basically couldn't help but jump him, and because of your insecurities (which he obviously didn't do enough to resolve), you didn't give him that.

Now, not all guys will need you to initiate, or place such importance on you initiating, as long as you don't turn him down too often or whatever. But virtually ALL guys will get an ego boost from their girl initiating, so it's something you probably should do some work on (therapy or just some serious thinking about) for your future relationships. Hopefully understanding WHY it is so important to a man will help you realize why he felt so strongly about it.

[ihaveagirlsname]

Don't let that get to you. At this point it shouldn't matter what your ex thinks because he's...well your ex. Yes, it is nice when a girl initiates. It takes some pressure off of the guy and shows that the girl is into him. However, women generally aren't the initiators.

A lack of confidence is one of the quickest ways to actually be "boring". You become afraid to try anything new and only do what is comfortable. Don't rely on what he said, go with how you feel. If you are a little unsure of yourself, ask your next partner what he likes. If you're feeling adventurous, try something new. If you aren't comfortable just trying it, talk about it first and then plan your move. Either way, with the right person it's never boring.

[DrunkLove]

He sounds like a jerk for even bringing that up with you, chances are he said it out of anger. If he said you had great skills when you were together he is probably just hurt and that's one thing he thought of to lash out at you with. I'm not proud of it but when I broke up with an ex we both said horrible things to each other, we're back together now and we both know nether of us meant those things, we were just hurt. It could also be true (but I do doubt that) but when you met someone your comfortable with they can show you how they like things done. I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend so obviously not very skilled in bed, he showed me how to do things and what he likes and now our sex life is amazing. No one is automatically brilliant in bed, it comes with practice.

[DebiPie]

He just said that as a power trip to get back at you. Most ex's do. Do not let that get to you. Consider the source. He is a mean person. Move on knowing you are better off without him. If he would stoop so low as to keep telling you junk like this after you've broken up, what kind of man is he? Not a very credible one? Like I said, consider the source.

[AshlynGrace]

He's trying to make you feel bad. Go ahead and say it back and act like nothing is wrong and watch him flip his sh*t.

[palek]

Just tell him he's boring "everywhere" and find a fellow human to go out with. trust me, life's too short.

[chiselhead2000]

Yes he could have just said it out of anger but there could some ture to it at the same time.

I don't think it is you I think its more him.

[Anonymous]

he was trying to make you feel bad and it worked. don't let him win!