My boyfriend is considering leaving me because I haven't had an orgasm.....

[Anonymous]

...since we have been together.We have been together for a year and I find oral and regular sex enjoyable, however, i can't seem to orgasm and it is making me feel absolutely awful.He is so frustrated to the point of considering moving on to someone else. Now I feel terribly pressured,and I feel like something is wrong with me unless I figure it out quick. *Also,i do masturbate while alone,(and I thought I knew what coming was)sometimes I get wet a little...and sometimes alot.My boyfriend is expecting me to wet the bed...which has yet to happen.He is the first person I have ever had sex with so there is a lot of learning I have to do...but he is becoming increasingly impatient and he has a toe outside the door so to speak. Has anyone experienced this?What should I do?I told him if he was growing impatient with waiting and figuring it out with me,then maybe it was best for him to move on if that's what he wanted to do... Help? Thanks everyone

[AnonymousGal]

Wow. He sounds really immature.

Listen for girls it is not necessarily that easy to reach orgasm. You need to be in the right state of mind. If you're not, no matter how hard he tries, and how many of the right moves he makes, he right places he stimulates. it won't happen. Simple as that. You have to be relaxed. And trust. And just enjoy the moment, be in the moment. Concentrate solely on the pleasure.

Since he is your first partner and you are new at it, this won't be as easy. Add to that that he is putting you under pressure to perform. You have no chance in hell. You have probably felt from the start that he is expecting you to orgasm. And you are slightly nervous anyway because it is new to you.

His attitude is completely the wrong way of going at it. He either hasn't got a lot of experience himself. And what he knows comes from p*rn or things that people have told him. Specifically his male friends. The yard probably telling him that he is less of a man if he can't make you orgasm. Or the girls he has been with so far have been very experience or were faking it, to get rid of the pressure. His go is probably bruised because he is expecting you to orgasm and you're not. And he probably thinks it's your fault, but lets out his frustration on you. He might have talked to his friends about him, and since most guys wouldn't admit that they can't make their girl orgasm, he thinks something is wrong between you two.

Now you could go down the path and just fake orgasm. But in the end that isn't going to help either of you and you would have to live with a lie for the rest of your life (Guys. And you ask us why girls fake orgasm?). I don't think hat's the best thing to do.

You need to sit hi down. Explain to him that a girl can enjoy sex without having an orgasm. That it isn't the end all of sex. That the pleasure comes from the intimate moment you are sharing with someone. Tell him, that it isn't his fault. That he is doing the right things. Or if he is not, that you are happy to show him what turns you on. And that you would like to explore your body together with him. And that you simply nee to relax to grow less nervous. Tell him that the pressure he is putting on you to perform is not helping things either. If you want to, you can even print out this conversation and show it to him. To prove to him that it is utterly normal not to orgasm and that most guys here think he is immature for expecting it off you. Then you need to put him in front of the choice. Either he swallows down his ego. Starts to enjoy sex for what it is and not simply for the orgasm or a specific aim in mind. Either he has fun with you. Stops putting pressure on you. And just lets you get their naturally. Or he can f*** off. If he decides to leave, he didn't really care anyway, and you're better of with out him. To be honest if he would really leave you for not having an orgasm then he is really immature and needs to learn a few life lessons before he becomes a worthy ma

[AnonymousGal]

Oh and if you plan to have this discussion with him, I would ask him, why he feels that it is so important for you to have an orgasm. Find out what his reasoning is. Try to understand where he is coming from. Then you'll be able to better explain your point of view. or you might realize that he is just a inconsiderate douchebag.

[AnonymousGal]

I have been reading through the other answers and your comments. And it seems to me that your boyfriend is extremely insecure about his own performance and his size, how fast he comes. I'm not sure where this insecurity comes form. It is really sad actually. But he is transmitting that insecurity on to you. And that isn't a good thing. Your first sexual experience really shouldn't be like this. And you should not feel something is wrong with you, because actually you are completely and utterly

[AnonymousGal]

normal. You can't let his insecurity make you insecure about yourself. Another thing is that a girl really should never feel pressured sexually. I any way. I don't like the way he is treating you. The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think that a break up would be the best thing. Although I generally always think that couples need to discuss things, work on their relationship. If you do decide to break-up with, I would maybe have his talk with him anyway. Be the better person.

[AnonymousGal]

Who knows maybe you will have an impact on him and maybe you won't. At least you tried.

[Asker]

Thankyou for your thourough answer.We have been having oral sex from maybe back in September or October,and even then he voiced his concerns about me having an orgasm.That seems to always be his goal.I have expressed the fact that I still find it enjoyable,but for some reason me not having an orgasm seems to keep coming up.So last night we had a discussion on it right BEFORE we had sex...so things were OFF.I wasn't in the mood during it because of this added pressure,so he was disappointed to

[AnonymousGal]

Yeah, never have this type of conversation when you're in the moment. If you want to talk about issues in your sex life do it outside the bedroom in a neutral place and at a neutral time. He probably went into the defensive, even more than he would have than normally. Although he does sound very insecure. If you want to save the relationship (really only you can decide this), invite him other for a drink. Plan what you're going to say, how you will address it. And just talk it through.

[Asker]

to say the least.And at the point he did say,"something is not right between us."He mentioned going our separate ways because of this since he felt like he was beginning to take his frustration out on me.I feel like I need to have one more dicussion with him concerning all this because I don't like the pressure I am feeling in regards to it.If he really does want to end things,then it should end.I personally don't even think that should have been an option if you really care about someone.Or

[AnonymousGal]

Try to keep emotions out of it. And even though clearly is at fault here. Do not accuse him. Because he will go into the defensive and won't listen to you. Instead tell him how you feel. Explain it from you're point of view. Start sentences with I, Me, My feelings are... If he won't listen to you and doesn't try to understand there is no point. Then dump him

[Asker]

telling them that you don't want to waste time being with each other if you are sexually incompatible.I can unestand the latter,however,that does not mean that is what is happening in this situation.Also...just a correction:I didn't bring up the orgasm conversation...HE DID..rright before sex.And he exspected me to be in the mood...in which that killed it.So it wasn't that great,which was likely just another blow to his self esteem.Thats when he said,"Something isn't right between us."

[AnonymousGal]

Ah. That sucks. He's obviously a little socially awkward. Em, you know he just sounds really young and immature. This situation is making you feel bad, it's destroying your self confidence. It might scar you. Is everything else in the relationship worth working on it? Or do you think you can just move on? (I mean it's not going to be easy, but it does sound like if you are in a bit of a stalemate)

[Asker]

Well,we broke up before because there were some communicaton issues.We ended up getting back together because I thought we should talk about everything.So,getting bac together was fine and I thought we were growing and progressing...but I guess not.He is 24 by the way andd he still seems a bit immaure on things for sure.Break ups are terrible,but if I must then... When I told him,"Well,if you're becoming too impatient,thats fine.We can end things so I can find someone with more patience and you can

[Asker]

find someone more sexually compatible with you." After saying this he basically said,that he wanted to try with the situation.To basically try news things and to basically stick around.But I'm not certain of his response,and I am not certain of how I feel either.Because even though he said he wanted to work on it,i feel as though it is still a time sensitive thing in his mind.If it wasn't,the he wouldn't have said anything about leaving.

[AnonymousGal]

I think he was trying to blackmail you. Not even sure he really wanted to leave. But for some reason he thinks that you are holding back on him. I am not sure if cold hard facts will have an impact on him. If he is generally quite rational, you could try and gather some information. And also find some article with advice on female orgasm.You could just try out a couple of things. Make it playful. And fun. But you need to have this discussion with him. And since you went back to him last time,

[AnonymousGal]

because you felt you hadn't said everything, then for your sake , you should have this conversation with him, before breaking up. Then there will be no doubts left in your mind. And you will be able to move on.

[purpleprincess]

Firstly, to start off, I'm 36 and only experianced a real orgasm about 3 months ago! I'd been faking it for years to please my ex partner. Then I met my current guy, multiple orgasms the first time we had sex, my body actually went into shock after the 6th or 7th one! I kid you not. What was different you may ask!? HE Took The Time To Explore MY BODY And Find Out What I Like!

Sex should be fun, banter, play around, explore, be vocal about what feels good and don't be afraid to change positions etc when its not feeling as good as you want it too. Ultimatly, if he wants you to "wet the bed" then he needs to be more willing to explore what turns you on. ITS HIS ISSUE! Which he knows, but probably doesn't know how to address.

Secondly, relationships run deeper than how many times you climax, if that's all his attention is on then he's really not that into you anyway, DITCH HIM!

[Asker]

Thanks for your opinion.I must also state that I have to experiment more and be vocal about what possible works and what doesn't,but now I am seriously contemplating just ending it because after everything that was said,it just seems like a separation is right around the corner.But definitely,relationships are about tons more and if he doesn't realize that,then...we should go our separate ways.

[purpleprincess]

I think as a general rule, sex is about being intimate with your partner, experiancing closeness and enjoying giving each other pleasure. If that's not happening and you're feeling as though that aspect of your relationship is causing a rift, then I'd say you're just not right for each other. It should be fun for both involved, not a chore to perform! Which it sounds like you both mutually feel is happening. If it was me, I'd walk away before both of you lose convidence in your sexual abillities.

[samhradh_leannan]

I have to say I think if he is considering leaving you over this, you may be better off with someone else anyway. He is being immature and very, very demanding. It's natural for him to be a little insecure and frustrated, but he should not be taking it out on you or judging you. Many women have a hard time reaching orgasm and it isn't necessarily even related to his performance. Have you explained this to him? If you have and he still makes you feel bad (which is completely unacceptable) then I think you should say good riddance. Making you feel bad about this is abusive to you emotionally.

[Asker]

Hi,thankyou for responding.Yes,i have told him how I felt about it,and I also told feel as though he is expecting me to "come" a certain way,basing it off of what he has experienced from past girlfriends.He told me that he thinks we are maybe just sexually incompatible because of this and that he didn't want to "waste time" so to speak concerning it.My heart is breaking over it because I do feel like something is wrong with me now,and in every other way I am an absolutely awesome gf...

[Asker]

We almost never argue or anything.But now to me the relationship has become strained because of this...its almost as if I have to prove something to him.And if I don't,fairly soon,then he will leave me...im almost sure of it.

[samhradh_leannan]

If he would leave you because of this then he is not worth your time. Every woman is different. We all need different things to orgasm and some women may never orgasm in their life. He appears to be making no effort at all to understand your side of the situation, and clearly feeling like a stud is more important to him than your actual experience. If he doesn't stop acting this way about it, YOU should leave HIM.

[Asker]

I'm considering leaving him as well because I don't likke how I feel in this situation.

[samhradh_leannan]

You've already stated that you feel awful about it. This is NOT something you should be made to feel awful about. His attitude is selfish. I don't know as much about the situation as you do, but based on this question, I would STRONGLY encourage you to leave him before he takes even more of a toll on you emotionally. He isn't treated the situation in a healthy or reasonable way, and it doesn't seem like he is going to change. I would say try once more to talk to him, and if it doesn't work, go.

[Asker]

Thankyou for your good advice.

[samhradh_leannan]

Good luck!

[samhradh_leannan]

He was the one who made sex difficult by having such wacky and uncompomising expectations. Please don't feel bad or let this effect your self esteem! I'm sorry that you wasted time with him, but life does that to you sometimes. At least now you know and you can find someone who won't treat you that way. It would be hard for ANYONE to orgasm under that type of pressure- the fault is not yours.

[Anonymous]

This is really common for girls. Don't worry. You are normal.

Now. About your boy. He's frustrated because he feels insecure in his own abilities. He feels like he isn't doing enough for you, or else maybe it is just his pride that is hurting (it makes a man quite proud to give a girl an orgasm). Either way, you need to reassure him that you don't need him for the orgasms he can give you. You need him for him. He is important to you even if you never have an orgasm in your life.

You will also need to give him some instructions, probably. What do you do when you masturbate? Encourage him to try doing that. Most girls need direct, external, clitoral stimulation to get an orgasm. Penetration alone usually won't do it, but many guys don't realize that. So, show him how to massage your clit with his hand while you are having sex (if he's not doing that already). That should at least get you closer. Boys don't know what feels good for you; you need to train them.

Whatever else might happen though, one thing is certain: You will never have an orgasm if you feel pressured to have an orgasm. To have an orgasm, you need to be completely comfortable with what you are doing, and completely focused on nothing but the moment. Right now, when you are having sex, you are worrying about it, which means you aren't in the moment. This is just like a guy who DOESN'T want an orgasm: he starts trying to think of anything else, and as long as he stays distracted, he doesn't cum, because he isn't in the moment. So, don't try to orgasm. Just enjoy being with him, and be comfortable with him. Have fun, and allow yourself to be completely open to him, and to whatever experience you have.

Now, if the problem persists, and he is still feeling insecure, and thinking of moving on, then you have a choice: Find someone else who won't be bothered by it, or fake it to buy time. I recommend finding someone else. Faking is never good. Guys absolutely HATE when a girl fakes an orgasm. It wounds their pride, and damages any trust between them. They will never be sure about any other orgasm you ever have. And, if you fake it, it will be much harder to have a real one, because you will always be thinking about faking. So, if you choose to fake, you better be absolutely certain that you can fool your boy, that you can live with NEVER telling him, and that you can keep faking for as long as it takes to start having real ones.

Good luck!

[Opinion Owner]

Hmmm... I seem to be the minority opinion here, thinking that she should give the guy a chance. I suppose this is my bias. If I can't get a girl to orgasm, I usually think of leaving, because I figure she is better off with someone else who can please her. It sounds like that is not the case with this guy, though; for him it is about ego, in which case, leaving him is the best option.

[Asker]

Ha,yes your opinion was slightly in the minority.I however think he should give ME a chance better yet...US a chance. We had this conversation last might and now I am starting to feel lie I should just end things if someone is so quick to end things with me.Relaionships are work and if he is not willing to put in the work,then we should just go our separate ways.

[lz1988]

Great answer. I wish more guys understood this. It makes us girls feel bad if we can't come too. But that doesn't mean we don't enjoy all the other stuff especially if we love the guy we are with.

[animalwithin]

Excuse my forwardness but it's guys like this dam douchebag that you're with that makes me hate guys so much. What you are experiencing is NO WAY your fault! Women are very complex when it comes to there sexuality. It often takes women YEARS to finally understand themselves sexually and what works and what doesn't work with their partners.

You need to spend lots of time on your own to see what will bring you to orgasm. I can understand his frustration but he has absolutely no right to treat you like that and threaten you with leaving you, especially since he's your first. You deserve much better and finding what makes you orgasm is something you discover on your own or with someone who loves you and is willing to take the time to help you find out how.

I think you should get rid of the guy and spend some time discovering yourself sexually. Ask other women, look online, try different things, toys help for a lot of women. You're definetley not alone, many women go through this, and you deserve a better guy.

[Asker]

Thanks for your advice. I've just never been through this before and it makes me feel absolutely awful.I just don't understand how I am awesome in every other way,and yet he thinking about leaving me over THIS.I understand him wanting to please me,but leaving me because of something that is normal is unfair and it definitley hurts my feelings.He said that maybe it's something that's holding me back from having an orgasm,or that maybe it's his "size",even though I have never said anything like

[Asker]

...so I think some of his own insecurities are somehow entering the situation.Im not quite sure how I can enjoy the relationship with the pressure of this now. :/

[animalwithin]

Glad I could be of help! His insecurities could definetely be manifesting themselves. He could feel like he just can't seem to make a girl orgasm, and he doesn't know how to handle that like a man, so he is choosing the easy way out, which is leaving. Like I said, you deserve much better. I hope you work it out, just know that you are not the problem. Find a guy who will enjoy discovering what makes you orgasm.

[ashleynatasha]

simple, I use a vibrator because we have so much more nerve endings in are clitoris then inside are vaginal area .its rare for a woman to reach orgasm without are clitoris Stemulation ..at the same time he obviously is beating himself up over it and putting to much pressure on u..not enjoyable ..it should be fun! I don't know if you have used a vibrator while getting penetration vaginally but its great!but ya he kinda sounds like an ass because he is trying to leave you for that reason.like really you enjoy it so what ever..i mean he bases your guys relationship too much on the sex aspect sounds like its all external !

[Supra9700]

Just dump him like yesterday's garbage if he's going to be so childish about it. If he's leaving you over something so little as this, it means he doesn't have deep feelings for you. Let him walk out that door you said and find a guy who will actually take the time to be considerate about your needs.

[Asker]

Thanks for answering.I told him that if he wanted to leave me for this,then do...because I will find someone else who is more patient and undestanding of the situation.He claimed that he wanted to work on it,but I still feel like he is quick to walk out without understanding of what's happening.I also don't think I should have had to work that hard trying to convince him of anything.The first time we had sex,he was so concerned that I was disappointed (because it was VERY fast),he asks,"Youre

[Asker]

not going to walk out on me".I told him of course I wasn't going to leave him because of that,and yet he is willing to leave me because of this,meanwhile our relationship has virtually no other issues.

[Supra9700]

From his point of view (if everything really IS fine), he might get the idea that you don't find him sexually attractive and that everything he does for you (if he does do things for you), you don't appreciate. But if knew all along that you do appreciate all of that and STILL said he was going to leave you for this, then he's not worth spending your time on if he doesn't want to spend time on you.

[Asker]

I tell him all of the time that I appreciate whatever he does and our relationship is pretty respectful...this situation is taking me back a bit.

[Supra9700]

Well then, now that I know you do tell him, my final opinion is leave him. If he's holding you back, then he's not right for you.

[Asker]

Thanks

[katiesmuff]

I can take some women a long time if ever achieving an orgasm. This isn't something that should bother him this much and if he can't understand that there are women who just can't orgasm and should be OK with it.

[carinabina820]

When it feels good, go harder and harder and harder. Have him suck on your clit and finger you at the same time and tease you a lot lot lot more before.

[Asker]

Been there done that.

[carinabina820]

Do it somewhere more exciting then up the stakes or he sucks at it.

[Asker]

I think it's a bit more complicated thann that,everyones body is different.But thanks for your response.

[DeepBlue]

He should be more patient. If you are feeling stressed and pressured that will only make it more difficult, since sex is as much mental as it is physical. Have you ever experienced an orgasm from anything? Have you tried exploring different fantasies that you have had? If you can't be open with him about these things then he is as much a part of this problem as you are.

[AshBrown]

Tell him to get lost. He is expecting from you what he sees in p*rn which is never natural and never "real". And if he wants to be with you just because he wants to see you "wet" the bed, then you do not need him.

[Asker]

Hi...thanks for responding.He keeps saying that there is suppose to be some type of release,and that my face should be flushed etc.Sounds like a textbook explanation of what an orgasm actually is,thats why he mentioned wetting the bed.He doesn't even really watch p*rn like that.I think he is just comparing me to other girls he has gone out with.I don't think he has had this problem before. :/

[ArrograntWarrior]

Find someone who isn't demanding

[Asker]

Thanks for your response

[Anonymous]

Tell him it's very normal for women. Unlike men we don't usually come from intercourse alone. I've had 5 partners and never had an orgasm through penetration ever. And only one of them has ever made me come and it's still rare. He's done it once orally and only a few times with his fingers. I can make myself come with my fingers or vibrator. It's not something we can help. It just doesn't happen and when I do it takes me a long time and most guys get impatient and after I get yelled at and am crying I've completely lost any mood I had to even try.

[Anonymous]

i thought orgasms for girls takes longer than it does for men. I think your nervous and feeling pressured all the time. so its just not going to happen. if your boyfriend is going to leave you over that, then your better off without him. sorry to say. if it was me I would stay and work it out with you. do not feel useless because you can't. if your that concerned about it then go and see a professional about it, like your doctor.

i have to agree with arrogantwarrior as well.

[Opinion Owner]

i would say most girls have the same problem as you. sounds perverted, but when I watch p*rn sometimes, the girls take up to half an hour to have an orgasm. I have you tried different things in the bedroom, maybe oral sex just doesn't do it for you. maybe you have find other techniques?

[Opinion Owner]

sometimes blowjobs for men, they can't get turned on. a girl gave me a Blowjob once it just didn't do it for me. I have has some friends say the same thing. maybe oral sex isn't for you.

[Asker]

Oral feels good,but so far I haven't come from it.I told him that we could try toys,but he said that he didn't really want to because he doesn't want to feel as though a TOY is superior to HIM.

[Opinion Owner]

well he doesn't what sex is about then, I wonder why your not getting turned on, sorry to be horrible. for me sex is about trying new thing so can get the other partner turned on, toys should not feel superior to him. sounds like your boyfriend is to insecure to me. it also sounds like to me he doesn't care about you having orgasm really, he just wants to have one, to boost his own ego. sorry to say that. and its offend you. but that's how I see it.

[Opinion Owner]

the reason that's how I see it, if cared for you having an orgasm, he would stay, since he wants to leave you cause your not having one. his ego feels damaged, so now feels he must leave, cause of my ego, not the fact cause you can't have one. to me he is just selfish really. I am sorry to be horrible to you.

[Opinion Owner]

until he realizes the relationships and sex are not just about him, he will never have a loving and lasting relationship with anyone, including yourself. if it just about him, well the guy is going to be a very lonely man sooner or later.