I was raped. it was my fault?

[Anonymous]

two nights ago I was raped. It was my birthday and I went to a house party with a few friends I was drinking so I know this is my fault, or at least it feels like it. I went up stairs to use the bathroom because all the ones on the lower level were occupied. anyway, on my way out of the bathroom I was stopped by a guy who was about to go in the bathroom and who I didn't know. he wished me a happy birthday and I said thank you. he then said that we should celebrate and he grabbed my arm and started pulling me towards a bedroom. I fought back as best I could and he then slapped me and grabbed me with both of his hands an pushed me into the room. he let go with one of his hands and he locked the door behind him and pushed me down on the bed. I fought back as best I could but the more I fought the angrier he got and he essentially beat the sh*t out of me. I have a broken wrist, black and blue face, split lip among other abrasions and bruises. that's when he raped me. I was screaming still despite him beating me. and I knew no one could hear me down stairs because of the music.fortunately someone else had come up the stairs to use the bathroom and he heard my cries. by the time he broke down the door I had been beaten, raped and I had blood and come running down my legs. to sum it up someone called the cop and an ambulance and while we were waiting for them to get there some of the other guys at the party beat up the guy who hurt me and a few of the guys stayed by me because at that point I was close to passing out. I went to the hospital did an exam got some stitches and my wrist wrapped I also gave my statement to the police who assured me that I was not at fault even tho I was drinking. I still feel awful and like I did something wrong. What can I do>?

[MrOracle]

People who are raped often feel like it was their fault, but there's not even any gray area here: you were in NO WAY at fault. Even the alcohol wasn't a factor; if you'd been completely sober, it wouldn't have changed a thing. This guy brutally attacked you, despite you clearly saying "no" and even fighting back. The fact that he had to beat you into submission is a clear sign that he absolutely knew you didn't want sex with him and he was going to do it anyway. This guy is an absolute psychopath and there is nothing you could have done differently that would have made a difference. HE did this, and HE alone is responsible.

Your job now is to be the best witness possible and put him in prison for as long as possible. They've already collected evidence, which is good, but they'll need your testimony too, and they'll make you talk about it and may attack your background, but STAY STRONG and put this guy behind bars for a LONG time.

In the meanwhile, you're going to need some professional help to get past this. It's not your fault, and you didn't ask for any of this, but you're going to need some help from others in order to regain what he stole from you. Find a local support group, and GO! Talk about what happened, and don't ever accept anyone telling you that this has made you any less of a person, because it HAS NOT. Just like if you'd gotten into a car accident or something, you have been injured through someone else's actions, but you still need help to recover and heal, so get that help so you can eventually put this all behind you.

[Mavrick00]

YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT! There is something seriously wrong with anyone that would commit sexual assault. It is normal to feel like you did something wrong, but I repeat you are not at fault. You did nothing wrong. As a professional in the field of psychology I highly recommend talking to a therapist. You may want to ask about their experience working through traumatic events and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). There are support groups, check out your local "A Woman's Place". They have a support network.

I can also share with you that you are not alone. Unfortunately sexual assault occurs far too often. I can share from personal experience, I broke up an attempted rape at a party, when I was 19. If I had not heard her screaming kicked in the door it would have been a rape. Several months later, I had the very unpleasant experience of being the responding EMT when my girlfriend (at the time) was raped. She too thought it was somehow her fault. She did not want to go to the police, but intimately did report the rape. (I admire your bravery in filing a police report). With therapy and a lot of support she got past her traumatic event. I wish you strength, much support and success in moving past this horrible event.

[txcos20]

im so sorry that that happened to you, hun, and on your birthday no less! :( I can't say I know exactly how you feel because I dont. I couldn't have put it better than what @MrOracle said. on a personal note, I was at a wedding(about one month ago) and went to the bathroom and when I came out I got cornered by this drunk guy who was trying to feel me up and everything(he was considerably taller and heavier than me). Fortunately enough, I was able to punch him in the balls just as one of my guy friends happened to come out of the bathroom and he and a couple other guys 'escorted' him out of the reception. Even though nothing happened I still felt/feel incredibly guilty sometimes, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't my fault. It was not your fault in any way, shape or form! Don't keep it bottled up, because that is one of the worst things to do! I don't know if you are religious or not, but my thoughts and prayers will be with you that you have a quick recovery! Take care, hun, and I wish you all the best life has to offer in your future! <3 <3 :-)

[Anonymous]

Its absolutely not your fault at all. You put yourself in an unsafe environment and that was a mistake but it in no way means that your responsible for the rape. If you go to a party at someones house and don't know who might be there you need to stay close to a friend that you trust, especially if your drinking, When I go out my best friend never leaves my side, we even wait outside the bathroom for each other. Id advise that you talk to a counselor or if you feel like you can't then talk to a trusted friend.

[05Jueey]

How can you feel like you did something wrong..? Better yet how can I explain to you that you did nothing wrong? You just SIMPLY did NOTHING wrong, you did what most girls would do.. you partied on your birthday. If finding a washroom to use is wrong then... I mean, you are a great girl, don't think you did anything wrong. I truly mean what I'm typing so please believe it ! <3

[Symorg]

You were in no way at fault. There was a time when creatures like him would be dealt with quietly and quickly,. You should not isolate yourself, do whatever you can to keep in touch with others. If all you can manage is to come to this website, then do that, as long as it's cathartic to you. Seek family and friends and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

[heywat]

first off sweety I'm sorry. second I'm leaving this open so you can friend me and then we can talk! I've been through rape so it's easier to give advice over chat than it is over a question! just know that as hard as it is to think this, it isn't your fault hun! hug&&kisses!

[Longshot]

First, it was not your fault! Second, you should seek some help. There are rape hotlines that will guide you to the right kind of help. You need to talk with professionals about what happened. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Third, and this is VERY IMPORTANT to understand -- the fact that you were drinking and perhaps drinking too much does NOT give anyone else the right to rape you. Rape under any and all circumstances is a serious crime in this country.

Please get some professional counseling (even if you do not think you need it). I have 2 family members who were raped. One got counseling and one did not. I will spare you the details of what happened to the one who did not.

here's wishing you the best of luck.

[jessica86]

I have been raped myself. did you get check out? you okay? next this what happen to you is not your fault at all hun. I know you feel like it and you will for a lllloooonnnggg time. if you need to talk or whatever add me as a friend I am here for you I know what you are going through. lots of HUGS

[Frostie]

Explains alot, victims always take the extreme in defense. Never accountable for themselves either. Both people are responsible for their actions, one can't toss the responsibility entirely on the other person. Unless you are immature,and can't take responsibility for your own choices.

[jessica86]

lmao you don't give up don't you. I am accountable for my actions when I got raped I didn't get out soon enough. but this is not about me. this is not about her it about views of different people and how they feel. Trying to understand other people views and how they think. If you cannot see my views and understand them I think we might need to talk more. I understand what you are saying I hear ya and I see what you are saying.but does that make you correct over me or over everyone else here.

[Frostie]

You are only responsible for putting yourself in a bad situation, all the actions done were his fault. It is cause and effect. Parties aren't places you want to be,at least in my opinion, the idea has changed to more serious things. Not to having fun. Getting drunk, drugs(although I know that wasn't involved at your party, it is common), rape, fights, over dosing, alcohol intoxication, and more. People aren't responsible , I wouldn't trust them, and put myself in a situation like that. It has risks that are unnecessary. What can you do? Nothing. You did nothing wrong.

Have you been checked for an STD?

[toulouse]

No. she's not responsible for the rape. the guy who raped her is. you're implying its her fault, because she used the bathroom at the same exact time, they guy felt like raping someone. yeah you know what, you're right. you shouldn't have a house, as it encourages robberies.

[Frostie]

Toulouse you must have a reading disability.

[Frostie]

1) She is responsible for putting herself in a bad situation, the party in general isn't a place to be for any self respecting person who gives a f*** about themselves. It's like saying you shouldn't avoid people with anger problems and are unpredictable and could possible turn on you and kill you. 2) He is responsible for the actions:E.g raping her. 3)Well hey, if you want to flaunt cash around, you'll get robbed. you don't see able to comprehend anything.

[jessica86]

I am shocked and amazed by your answer. We as people put our self at risk every single day. You can walk out on a street and get ran over by a bus. is that your fault or the drivers? I bet your loved ones will say its not your fault the driver should of been looking out and the driver will say it was his fault. She was at a party, she didn't go there and say HEY let me get raped today because its my birthday. Maybe you need to get some help or take some psychology classes. You have issues.

[Frostie]

Jessica, you have to look out for yourself, you can't expect everything to be 'ok' when you walk outside. That is why you avoid things you can't control in the realm of possibilities e.g "risks". If I can't control a risk, I can avoid it. For example I can go outside and cross the street, however, I'm going to do my best to avoid idiots. How do I do this? I look left and right 3 times to make sure no a**hole is going to hit me. If I go to a party, I'm only going to party with those I trust.

[Frostie]

I don't care what they said. I know things happen outside my control, however, what I'm attempting to convey to people of your 'understanding', is that some things you can avoid, somethings you can't. A party is the worst place to be for a girl, especially with alcohol and a bunch of horny guys who are defined by the words "scum bags". Ever wonder why you don't go looking for a date in a bar? That's why. Common sense isn't common I hear. Jessica you have issues.

[Frostie]

When you throw in the other variables of alcohol in particular you are taking a greater risk. Why? Because alcohol limits our judgment, and we do stupid sh*t. Shit like this tends to happen when alcohol is involved. So why put yourself in THAT situation? Seriously? It's like sleeping with a loaded gun under your pillow and not expecting the gun to ever go off while you're sleeping. Foolish.

[jessica86]

As a woman as a mother as a rapped victim. you are not worth it. I understand what your getting at but we will be going in a circle over and over. I am not saying your right or wrong you have your views and I have mine. I am not saying my views are right or yours is correct. But sometimes you have to feel that vulnerable in order to understand it.

[Frostie]

Not at all. Maybe I'm not worth it, but what I'm worth to you isn't really my concern, I didn't ask for a value judgment nor do I take any of them right now to seriously. If you don't believe women should take responsibility for their choices, and that others shouldn't take responsibility's for theirs, we may as well excuse everyone. A feeling doesn't really matter, I'll stick to reasoning. Emotions never lead to anything productive.

[patoot10]

am sorry for you .. this is a lesson for you to take care of yourself in the future .. don't get drunk its not even funny when you had a great time and you can't remember most of it

[05Jueey]

How do you figure being drunk had anything to do with it?

[patoot10]

when you go to parties that people basically attend to get drunk and fool around .. stupid things like that could happen and it could get worse .. sometimes a group of guys just go rogue on a girl

[05Jueey]

That still doesn't have anything to do with her being drunk.. plus she should be able to drink as much as she wants without getting raped.. I don't understand you people. Do you all just think, 'Oh this girl just got raped and she's wondering if it's her fault so I am going to talk about how it WOULDN'T OF HAPPENED IF SHE WASN'T DRINKING AND AT A PARTY' f*** sakes, let's make her feel worse...

[shikari]

Remember, you went upstairs to use the washroom and based on the details under your question, had no intent on sex, before or during the assault. It seems, sex was his initiative regardless of your will - he had to force you into the act.

You're right, you were raped so the fault is clearly his.

[normalice]

sex is an emotional ordeal for women, from what I understand. If you don't feel love then you must feel guilt instead. But there is no reason for you to feel guilt.

I know it sounds simple, or at least easy enough to understand, and you probably do, however there is nothing any of us can use to ward off our emotions with logic, except time. Unfortunately it will probably take a lot of time, and it will be easier if you have the emotional support of others.

[toulouse]

@sex is an emotional ordeal for women, from what I understand r you learning disabled. she didn't have sex. she was raped. rape is an 'ordeal' for anyone. its rape. the 19 guys raped per minute in prison, are not smiling. many of them kill themselves.

[normalice]

i have an idea. let's argue about semantics in the face of someone else's tragedy. I can't think of a more compassionate thing to do...

[normalice]

anyway, just to clarify, if you take an asprin, your blood thins. If, however, someone forces you to take an asprin, your blood still thins. Yes, there are a number of things that are different between the two, but they both have one thing in common: the immediate chemical reaction to the asprin. be it sex or rape, women have at least one chemical reaction that is the same - and that is to manifest the experience emotionally. The emotions available are love and guilt. Love wasn't an option.

[taster]

You DID NOTHING wrong...Who the hell invited that A$$HOLE?...oh..and drinking..how did drinking cause you to be a rape target? Better give up soda pop & orange juice in that case...you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and the wrong bad penny popped up...but this happens to straight girls who are on the way home from the library... I cannot make it for you as though it never happened...I wish I could.../:/:/:..but Not Your Fault...o.O

[heywat]

aww ducky your so sweet! :) this is why I love you and bring all my crap and drama to you!

[lv4lv]

It's not your fault and there's nothing you can do.

[MisBHaved1]

It's not fully your fault but you shouldn't have been drunk

[05Jueey]

STFU, she and any girl can drunk when she wants and not be raped so again STFU

[MisBHaved1]

If you behave trashy and whorish you get what you get and she got raped

[05Jueey]

You are a f***ing bitch. She wasn't acting whorish or trashy... you're a f***ing idiot , haha. She just got raped so you want her to feel even worse by saying it was her fault? ... f***ing useless, honestly

[MisBHaved1]

If you don't like it don't read it.. She shouldn't have acted the way she is

[hugsandkissesxo]

Did you ignorant close-minded self even read the question clearly? SHE WENT UPSTAIRS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. how is having to urinate and finding a bathroom "whoreish" ?

[MisBHaved1]

Getting drunk is... I mean obviously if you get drunk at a party full of guys you should expect something bad to happen

[LozzaPooleisit]

i was raped at my 14th birthday party but after the pain of him first putting it in i started to enjoy it and now when i have sex i like to rediscover that feelin can someone please tell me why?

[TNA89]

Rape=rough sex. You like rough sex, because it supposedly gets you off easier

[TwiztedTD]

You didn't do anything wrong.

Did they catch the guy? Or did the guys beat up the guy and he got away?

Do you know who it is? Or does anyone know who it is?

Im assuming the cops are looking for him and will be pressing chages?

What you need to do is go seek professional help, because nobody on here is going to be able to help you.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

But please, go get profesional help!

[Asker]

They caught him that night, he actually ended up in the hospital longer than I did. He pled guilty and is awaiting sentencing. I'm doing ok Thanks

[Xx_DRE_xX]

Its not necessarily your fault, you just happend to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Hopefully things get brighter for you.

[toulouse]

its not 'not necessarily ' her fault. its not her fault. period.

[TsubasaCorrupted]

Rape is never the victims fault !

[Anonymous]

Rape isnot our fault

[Anonymous]

It is never your fault...

[Anonymous]

was this a legitimate rape?

[Asker]

i have to admit this actually made me giggle, thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

Glad to see you have a sense of humor despite a horrible thing happening to you. that guy is a total piece of sh*t and it wasn't your fault in any way. :)

[Anonymous]

Just because you were drinking

doesn't in any way show that you were consenting or that he could have made a move

Talking to a psychiatrist so you can vent and overcome this problem will surely help

and being close with family, friends is good

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry your birthday ended that way. It is not your fault at all. No means no, doesn't matter how drunk you are. Are there any support groups in your area where you can find someone to talk to about this and help you deal with it?