Sexual Health
+1 y

Why do I become shy and submissive after becoming intimate with a guy?

I have this thing where I date guys and it goes well, in which I'm myself, and then after becoming physical I slowly become shy and submissive, even if it's a kiss. I get very nervous and feel very self-conscious about saying the right thing. And the guys I've dated tend to get annoyed when this happens and the relationships generally last only about 2 months after the fact. I'm technically a virgin and have grown up being coached about marriage more than dating, and that you are with one person your whole life. I've always wished this to be true, but I think it only works in the context that both people have those values. Could my change in personality be because: a) I'm sexually inexperienced and I need time to learn? b) I want to make things perfect considering I have marriage in the back of my mind every time I date? c) I don't want to be deemed as a loose slut after being physical with a guy so I become the opposite of uninhibited, i.e. inhibited? d) Or b & c combined, if I lose this guy then that deems me as a slut and adds to the list of guys I've been with? e) Had a domineering dad I fought with a lot and am afraid of my anger? Or afraid of communicating because my dad always shut down my mom? f) Have been told I'm unintelligent all of my childhood by peers? g) Or just get caught up in the romantic and sexual fantasy of being with the guy? I just don't know. Am I the only girl that experiences this? Why does this happen? What can I do to fix it? Thanks :)
Updates:
+1 y
Such thoughtful answers! Thanks everyone. I wish I could vote for more than one best answer! If I had to, it would be between the girls - canuckfarmgirl and anonymous (whoever you are?). Both very good points to ponder over. If any of you have opinions on best answer, let me know (state it!) and it might help make my decision! :)
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Most Helpful Girls

  • ha I think you may be even more overly analytical than I am. sounds kind of like me. at first I am laid back and talkative but once we even make out and I start to fall for him I become more submissive. in general/at the beginning I am opinionated and not submissive.

    it's hard, because you start falling for him and you just want to keep him and it all makes you nervous and shyer.

    that happened to me in such an extreme manner with the last guy I dated, it was insane. though he was older and manipulative and somewhat controlling that was probably it, I never felt enough respect or trust to be myself and calm down.

    it actually didn't happen so much with my ex boyfriend, around him I felt comfortable even after we fooled around. too bad we weren't right for each other

    i think we become submissive once our emotions get strong because they take over us, but it only happens enough to show if we are with a guy who makes us worried/insecure about something, or that he doesn't truly care for/respect us.

    that's my experience anyway. the only guys who made me feel that way were guys who I was insecure about that they were only using me.

    • That's such a good point! Most of the guys who I've been with who haven't been respectful after being intimate were never really that respectful to me at the beginning, even if we both were quite cheeky to each other. But I feel like I'm under their spell after all of it. Do you ever try to control yourself and be less submissive after you realize you are on your way to becoming like that? If so, does it work, and how do they treat you then?

    • i try but it's hard I ended up walking away from him. we didn't actually go "all the way" but I was scared I would get even more attached to him while I didn't trust him so it was a bad idea. it's not a good position to be in. good relationships shouldn't make you feel powerless and I felt powerless.

  • It's sort of natural. In time you learn to control the emotional aftermath of intimacy. The saying I keep hearing is that "Girls keep a clear head before sex while the guys aren't thinking straight. After sex that flips."

    There is nothing wrong with being submissive, I much prefer it. But you can remain opinionated and yourself while being submissive. It takes time. First, stop over-analyzing. Then remember, they liked you before you had physical contact, you don't have to worry about losing them after.

    • Nicely said. I have heard that phrase. And even though it's a phrase that points to most girls, I thought I was the only one who was like that. Do you think that it's a little weird that I become submissve even after kissing though? Isn't that a little extreme?

    • No, not at all. You should have seen me about two years ago... first relationship, first kiss... OMG. You can learn to manage your reactions, it takes some time but really helps. I still get submissive but there's a kind of subtle power that comes with that. If you want, add me, I have a few suggestions of things you can read to help you out in the future.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Every other girl is like that, that's why most girls are tight up about sex because they know that if a guy f*cks them, they are f*cked, because if the guy is cool now she has become his b*tch.

    So don't feel alienated, this is common and just pure human nature. Girls, evolutionarily speaking, are suppose to be submissive to their men and like it.

    That's why guys that are not dominant rarely get laid if not ever.

    • Huh, good points. So out of curiosity, have you ever dated a girl who ISN'T submissive after sex? And just remains the same, or maybe even more calm than you? And if so, do you like it? Because it seems that if I get in that state of mind, the guys I've dated still get pissy. But maybe because those guys I've been with just wanted ass that that's it.

    • That can happen, but it only means that she doesn't feel attraction for me and sex happened out of coincidence, so most likely it win't happen again because she just doesn't see me that way. I'm the other hand when a girl likes me she will be quiet and attentive, she will feel nervous, not knowing what to do, feel butterfly in her stomach, maybe turn on in her vagina and will have this look in her eyes asking me for what's next, that's when I can go ahead and take her, make her my own.

  • Perhaps because deep down you think that being submissive will help make things work with the guy. Trying not to rock the boat.

    • This is very true. Have you ever dated a girl like this? How did you feel about it and what kind of relationships work with you in the end?

    • I have not dated someone like that. And I haven't had much luck in the past with relationships, I usually torpedo'd any chance of things working, so I can't help you there.

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  • You think and worry too much. Life is short so be free in spirit and have more fun.

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