Sexual Health
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My boyfriend has a rape fantasy, does this mean he is capable of real rape

we've been together a few years and were discussing ways to kink up our sexlife. He knows that I like gangbang and rough sex p*rn. He mentioned wanting to try the rape fantasy. Agreeing before hand then he comes home and "rapes" me as if its all real. It wouldn't be real in that id want it even though I was saying no. I am interested in doing it and I enjoy a similar kind of fantasy in p*rn. Id never want to be raped for real I know that its the worst thing in the world and I truly fear it but the fantasy is different to me because the woman enjoys it, I can't watch it in p*rn if the woman looks like she's actually in real pain. Its weird and I'm ashamed but for me I think its more of a dominance fantasy. I know its probably a sign that I have daddy issues or some other issues with sex, but what does it mean for a guy? I know he'd never hurt me but does the fact that he wants to act out a rape mean he really wants to rape, or that he's capable of it?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • A fantay is just that, a fantasy. It rarely if ever is indicative of a persons true colors. You should have as with any type of role play, have a safe word. Also having it all planned out kind of takes the reality out of it. MY wife wanted to try it once and I agreed. I have also agreed to threesomes and more somes. That does not mean that I am out doing it with out her.

    One night I was really horny and turned on and in a extremely kinky mood and when she came home I was hiding in the garage. After she got out of the car, I attacked her. I made sure that after the inital subduing that she was able to fight me off enough to see my tattoo and my face. Granted this is not for everyone but the realisim added to her fantasy.

    Personally I believe for you it might be more about being dominated over and find myself asking if you have ever tried any bondage? Slave and Master role playing?

    There are in most major cities clubs that cater towards bondage and group sex scenes.

    What are you ashamed about? That rape fantasy is not un-common, it is quite common place and it in no way means that you deserve to or want to be raped.

    (see link for the full article.)

    he most frequently cited hypothesis for why women fantasize of being forced and coerced into some sexual activity is that the fantasy avoids societally induced guilt—the woman does not have to admit responsibility for her sexual desires and behavior. A 1978 study by Moreault and Follingstad was consistent with this hypothesis, and found that women with high levels of sex guilt were more likely to report fantasy themed around being overpowered, dominated, and helpless.

    Link: link

    Play safe and sane and remember if it is something that you consent to then there is nothing wrong with it!

    Hope that I was able to help some or at least set your mind at ease.

    • ive definitely become aware of my own "sex guilt" it makes a lot of sense. I think maybe I just want to sometimes be bad but I still want him to see me as a good girl. Its a way to hide the kinkiness because I don't want him to think that's who I am. Most of us girls just don't want our guy to see us as a freak.

    • Personally I love it when either my partner or my wife let their freak side out. I am kind of out there sexually. I am bi and there is not much that I would not try (scat,blood, testicle torture) I have even tried electric (low voltage and amp). Most men love it when a girl lets the freak out to play. When you do let that side out you will find that it is more fulfilling for both of you.

  • if he were capable of rape he wouldn't ask for your permission. The fact that he even calls it a fantasy is evident enough: No, he isn't capable of rape.

    If you decide to go through with this fantasy of his, then something you must come up with is a "safety word" and a "safety signal." Something like "aardvark" and a peace sign. The idea is that if you say this word or give this signal (in the event you can not speak for whatever reason), the fantasy is over, and he stops immediately. Obviously, it will take a great deal of trust on your part to not say that word when you anticipate something will happen that you will not tolerate, because the nature of the fantasy can exaggerate your anticipations. So, tell him beforehand these rules:

    -'aardvark' (or whatever) is the word. if you say it, he must stop immediately.

    -the Peace Sign (or whatever) is the hand signal. If you do it, he must stop immediately.

    -you have limits and he should know them by now.

    -you are trusting him completely to not exceed those limits so you will not use the word or signal until AFTER he exceeds those limits.

    -you will not use the word or signal because you suspect he is ABOUT TO exceed those limits.

    -if he does anything that prompts you to say the word, he runs the risk of you never allowing this fantasy again.

    there is a odd sort-of caution here, but possibly worth mentioning: With these rules in place, you may feel a lot 'safer' than you probably should for a rape fantasy to have the desired effect, so you are going to have to do a bit of pretending. resist. cry. curse him out. tell him his d*** is small. and so on. Try to forget about the safety word and think of what you would do if it were actually happening to you. That's how you should respond.

    • thanks, now that I'm thinking about what it would actually be like in the moment its hard to even pretend that he's trying to hurt me. Have you done this before?

    • no, but I have a good imagination. oh, also at some point you should pretend to 'give in' like you resigned yourself to accept it and discovered that you, in fact, enjoy it. that might be satisfying to him.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Every man is capable of rape, just as any person is capable of murder.

    We all have it in us at some point - but whom acts it out is what determines the rapist and the murderers.

    I don't get your perspective, because it's okay for you to have this rape fantasy without someone jumping to the conclusion that your some slut who welcomes rape - but your man is suddenly being put in the same light as a rapist for having the same fantasy?

    Pretty contradictive.

    Rape fantasies are extremely common amongst women, and it does have a LOT to do with nothing more than dominance. You clearly enjoy having it rough and being put in a more submissive type of position by him, so it only makes sense you'd want this fantasy.

    Plus look at the circumstance; your not some random stranger he wants enact rape on, your someone he loves and cares about, and if you weren't cool with the idea, he wouldn't try it.

    So why on Earth would he try it with some random woman?

    Men are not these savage, sex hungry, uncontrollable beast - they are still humans with morals and their own personal boundaries. Rape is a very violent and horrendous act that the majority of men understand.

    Anyone can go out and kill another person for the hell of it - but we stop ourselves due to those same personal boundaries that men do in regards to rape.

    Now there are people who do rape and kill - but that's a much smaller portion of the population.

    • Best answer - not much I can add to this.

    • I don't think I said anything that would make me a slut, I'm in a committed relationship. I'm not calling him a rapist just because I'm questioning his reasons. Its different when a guy is into it because he's not the victim, no risk. I never said men were all savage I just don't have much knowledge about men who are into this kind of thing.

    • lol I never said you specifically said those things, but they were definitely implied. Whether the guys the victim or not, the concept of it all still stands. It's a violent act either for the female or male, so that is ultimately irrelevant as far as saying " he's capable of real rape."

  • What you're talking about is consensual nonconsent, agreeing beforehand that "no" doesn't in fact mean "no" and the struggle is for fun (I highly recommend coming up with a safe word if you do try this, otherwise what IS no if you go too far?). It doesn't mean that either of you have issues. You're communicating about it and there's mutual agreement. It's quite a stretch from completely violating someone against their mental, physical, emotional will.

    To be honest, I DON'T blame you for feeling a bit uncomfortable that he's into this even though you are, too. It may be hypocritical but it's... understandable? Women ARE in a different situation than guys are in regards to how cautious we are about being raped. And you're the victim in the rape fantasy, you'd be the one getting hurt if it wasn't just a fantasy to him. But it sounds like it is.

    • Thank you for understanding, I realized how hypocritical it sounds to even question him for something that I'm interested in too but it feels different when a guy is into it. I think I'm gonna just talk to him about it more to understand why were both interested in it, to get his point of view. Then I might try it.

    • Good idea :) Thanks for BA and I hope talking about it helps you feel less concerned!

  • No. I think it's a domination fantasy for both you and your boyfriend. Just as you wouldn't really like to be raped, he wouldn't really rape someone. You know him better though, and if you're considering this with him, then you need to really trust him. I wouldn't do it if you can't be completely sure of him. You guys should definitely spend time talking this out. Have a safe word, for instance. Find out if you both have the same thing in mind. Clearly you don't want to be hurt (some people do), so you should make that known to him. Also, this doesn't have to mean you have daddy issues or something, it's just a fantasy. Based just on that there's nothing wrong with either of you.

    • thanks, I do trust him I just thought automatically that guys who have this fantasy might be a red flag, I'm gonna talk to him and find out why it appeals to him because I think our reasons are different. Thanks for answering.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • No not necessarily. But if he starts liking it too much then he very well could become capable of it.

  • I think it is just the excitement of taking you that he likes in addition to knowing it is a fantasy of yours. I would not worry unless he started pushing you to do it.

  • Nah not really. I think quite a few guys actually have a similar fantasy. It plays into our desire for dominance.

    I know I personally find it kind of hot to take control of a girl almost to the point of her being helpless and having my way with her, obviously in a controlled manner. I would never actually try and hurt her or do this without her consent.

  • As for me, this rare role play cannot seem real in my mind, certainly not with brutality
    What must be present is her obviously acting nonconsentual, bonded or not, perhaps disgusted a bit with a hint of lust in her eyes would be perfect.
    TO now have my way with her body, just to please mine + no consequences
    adds hardness to my already erect member
    and lust coming out my ears

    The last illustration of this lust might be Cinzia Roccaforte raped in La Lena (movie)

  • It does not mean he really wants to any more then it means you really want to be.

    I guess you could say both of you find it -arousing- but that's offset by empathy.

  • capable is such an ... empty word to use. You are capable.

    Having such fantasies is about the same as having fantasies about being raped.

  • It's still beyond me why any sane dude would fantasize about rape, and the fact that it's "not uncommon" is gross.

    • rape is how our species survived for about 10 billion years.. civilization only started 10k years ago, or so, but even then rape was the dominant method of reproduction until, maybe, 100 years ago... In so many words, it's in our instincts to f***.

    • Just because it is in us the desire to reproduce it doesn't give anyone the right to force themselves on another,

  • I think that is pretty disturbing. I mean, I don't know why anyone would want to fantasize about raping a woman, or even being able to get off to it...that's f***ing disgusting.

  • Everything you fantasize you're able to make real.

    • Have to go for that seven titted hottie riding on unicorn then :)

  • When it comes to rape the goalposts are constantly moving. Also, there is rape without violence so not all rapes are violent rapes. Also, there are stories of women achieving orgasm while being raped.

  • Probably. Rape fantasies disgust me.

  • how could you know is" the worst thing in the world" if you never experienced , especially if you like rough sex porn and fantasize about it

  • i feel that way about this as well. I could do it but only with a dildo. I would lose my boner instantly if I heard "no", see a pained expression, or use too much energy pushing down or something. so I'm not capable of it. At the same time, I only watch extremely rough p*rn (the girl doesn't say no though, unless I specifically hate that performer - I read interviews and some people just really piss me off). Maybe he is "capable" of it but he most likely won't ever do it though. Maybe it depends on your facial expressions as well as what you say or instead of what you say. Decide what you are comfortable with.

    It is so weird that I was wondering this same thing today.

  • Yet another clueless girl who doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality...

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