How do you get over a dom (BDSM)?

[Anonymous]

So I've been in vanilla relationships in the past. while getting over those guys was definitely difficult, it's nothing like now. I was in a relationship with a man who introduced me to BDSM. It's something I never really thought about before him. He broke up with me and now it's extremely hard to get over him. Idk, I just feel like I connected with him so much more than with the other guys... the fact that I let him debase me in so many ways sexually speaks to the trust and commitment I had for him. People who have been in BDSM relationship, do you find it harder to get over your dom (or sub?). how do you go about doing that? If it makes any difference, it has been almost a year and I'm not over him yet.

[vice-chix1]

First off - I want to commend you for being so open about your BDSM lifestyle interests and choices! That in itself is a very brave thing - that says to me that you have great inner strength!

For me... my first BDSM relationship was a unique experience... and one whose memories and interactions with my dom at that time have set the stage for a journey... that has lead me to my "true" Dom. Of course - the breakup and the connection with Dom Numero Uno... was difficult... in that it was my first "awakening" to who I was as a person... and what made me truly happy. FOr that I am enternally grateful. IN fact - we both still correspond casually... because he took is commitment to me seriously... as I do hope your had as well. He keeps an eye on me... and he worked very hard to ensure that I "transitioned" out of our relationship... and found myself in my journey.

If you are having troubles why don't you ask him for help. If he refuses - then he truly was a "poser" and you deserve to find someone whom takes his responsiblity and commitment seriously.

That being said -- I also advise that you get "out there" and enjoy yourself. Being a sub is a great "scene" to experiment and meet new people! Just be safe!

I found my current Dom -- who is also one of my best friends and love of my life -- completely as a fluke. Both of us had had this ethereal intense connection for years... but never realized we were a "fit" in terms of lifestyle roles. My Sir saw it long before I did... and our relationship has evolved into the most incredible union of my life. Complete with collar... commitment... and living together as spouses. Believe me - a "fit" from your first experience -- and the "right" fit -- are completely different! He takes his commitment seriously ... and believe it or not -- refused "play" until we were fully committed and tethered to one another.

Best of luck!

And remember - don't mistake mind-blowing sex for truth in action and his responsibility to you as part of that openness and gift that you give.

[noidfome]

It's been almost a year for me too!

I've dated a few guys, in vanilla, but it's not the same, as when I was with my dom. Nothing's going to be. You can't really "turn off" your sub self..do you ever find yourself wearing things He would like, acting like He taught you, etc? I do. And it's made me more aware of myself. I would love to be back in a dom/sub relationship, but there's nobody in my age bracket who is public about that yet.

And, you did connect with him better than everyone else, because he had to learn all your weakness, and fears, and limits and such. Guys don't usually get that deep to learn each element of your personality.

The only advice I can possibly give, is get another dom or find a could-be-dom, if that realtionship really made you happy. Think through it.

Besides that, I can't really give you any advice, other than I'm going thru/been there, and would love to talk more in chat or something. Add me if you would like.

[Messeduppuss]

So this is not very promising or reassuring. I'm only 1 month in getting over my dom and I'm already broken, ruined and messed up. How can I live with this for the next year, as many of you stated that 1 year might not be enough to get over that kind of breakup.
Am I the only one considering if getting into realtionship like this is even worth the hell I'm living in now? Because I think that I would go back and change everything if I could...

[Inkeddom78]

I myself being a Daddy Dom, I can say it's very very difficult to get over a sub/little and have k own littles/Subs that have said the same thing. It has to do with the level of trust, the bond you formed, because you were true to yourself you found something great, and weren't judged... you let your hair down and were you for you and were nurtured for it. Have you tried the site fetlife? At least to make friends in the dynamic and lifestyle, people you can talk to is what helps... that way you can talk and be you, yourself, maybe learn and read cool things too along the way 🙂

[AustinMan]

Vice-chix1 is exactly on the money. You will get past this. Work on making that happen and don't keep replaying those happy time tapes over and over. Get on with your life. When you feel a little grounded, reach out to the BDSM community where you are. Google for BSDSM clubs near you. Maybe find another woman to introduce you around and help you stay safe.

Let us know how you're doing.

[Anpu23]

I haven't really had a serious vanilla relationship so I suppose that it's the norm for me. I would just get back out there, the best cure for breakup is a new relationship.

[Poiuy0000]

I’m still affected by my DD/lg relationship from YEARS ago, when I was just 18 (he was about 25). The relationship lasted several years. He taught me / introduced me to many things that were a “first” for me: deep-throating, swallowing, light choking / asphyxiation, hair / head grabbing, spanking, being ridden from behind like a pony, many contorted positions (always with him in the dominant role, and only those positions that gave him more leverage to thrust or better/deeper entry), pushing the limits of pain (he was well endowed and contact with my cervix, I think, was his goal) and anal (amongst others).

When you a teen and you have a “daddy” taking your hand and walking you through all of that for the first time, it makes a BIG IMPACT. And there must be very strong bond of mutual trust. I soon learned to give myself to him, totally. He decided everything and I was there to be whatever he needed. I learned to receive him whenever he wanted or needed to “take” me. We had an understanding of whose role it was to be in charge (his) and whose role it was to follow and provide pleasure (mine) — and of course, by abiding by these roles, it ultimately resulted in my experience of pleasure, as well. How could a lengthy relationship like that NOT stick with you and change you? The foundation of your sexual identity is being laid down.

In the end, I grew beyond the relationship which was VERY DIFFICULT for him to accept. Unfortunately, it became violent (he tried to get me to stay with him and when he could see that he was not swaying me, he lost his control and raped me). That was the last I ever had contact with him. But the relationship still echoes. These kinds of bonds have lasting affects.
Regular (vanilla) relationships cannot replace them.

[Anonymous]

I can't help you at all, but that's kind of hot. Just saying lol

[Asker]

And that's exactly why I can't get over him...

[Anonymous]

Oh 50 shades...

[Asker]

I read fifty shades. It is like the really mild version of real bdsm