Girls, your boyfriend is inexperienced and bad at sex. Do you dump him or work on it?

[Anonymous]

We've been dating for 5 months. I lost my virginity to her and we've had sex maybe 6-7 times through our relationship. She has never gotten off from us having sex. Although, we each get off EVERY time during oral. I can get her to orgasm. We recently had a fight and she hasn't been happy that the sex hasn't been good. I only have lasted like a minute each time. So I understand why she's frustrated but I'm inexperienced and sometimes nervous. We just had sex last night and I came and she stopped me and went into the bathroom to cry. She was upset that it's not working and she says it lowers her self esteem because she thinks I should get hard right away. I explained to her that's not how it works and I assured her it had nothing to do with her looks. So we're taking a break from sex stuff for a week. I want to keep having sex so it gets better. She does to, BUT she also says she doesn't because she feels like crap that it doesn't work. I don't know what to do. The facts are: -She really likes me and our relationship. -Orally we are perfect together. -The sex is not good right now. I WANT to get better. I care about her and the relationship enough to work on it and get better, but she's so fixated that it's not working and she's getting really frustrated that "it happens EVERY time". Instead of saying she outright wants to work on it, she gets upset instead. What do I do? I am really trying to get better but I fear she is going to dump me for this reason. Everything else is good except intercourse, which I want to work on but we're having a tough time. Help!

[lghulm]

How come it only lasts 45 seconds? You come or you go soft?

I suggest you both practice lots of foreplay and touching and kissing and oral sex to make yourselves feel more comfortable with each other and also remember couple sex is about enjoying yourselves and being intimate, it shouldn't come with a whole lot of expectations or be treated as sex boot camp to improve your performance - if you treat it that way it is bound to get counter-productive.

To finish early and have trouble is quiet normal for less experienced guys (and she should understand/be understanding of this - you can help her by being calm about it too).

To improve stamina practice stopping movement whilst inside her just before you come until the feeling goes away (you may even want to quickly pull it out completely and wait a few moments).

You can also practice strengthening your 'PC' muscle to hold yourself back when the time comes. You strengthen this muscle by using it. It is the same muscle you use to shut off a stream of your pee when you go to the toilet. Try it next time you go (shut off your pee) and then practice stopping and starting your pee. What's you have identified the muscle practice squeezing it and letting go any time you remember to do so. Soon this will give you control so that when you feel you are about to come you can squeeze this muscle and stop yourself.

I had the same problem when I got started mate and have had a great sex life for years so don't worry about it too much, it will pass :)

[Asker]

I come too quickly. I was calm about it and explained it but she was still upset

[lghulm]

Ok. Over-time you are going to last longer and those things I mentioned above will help also. Where she wants to go with things will depend on her maturity level and how she feels about you. If she is reasonably mature and in love she will accept it and work with you. If she is immature or not really committed to you then she might start to look elsewhere. Her idea of having a break might not be a bad idea if she is getting stressed about it also. See how you guys go next time round.

[Anonymous]

Her attitude suggests

being self centered

quitter

not a team player

perhaps not goal oriented

if most of this is true, then she will dump

Practice, research & finding tricks, avoiding the traps is the key to long term sex being tuned into each other.

I won't argue that one night stands might be explosive, memorable but there's more novelty & titillation at play than being tuned into each others' needs

Some things you can do

get rid of some of cum, so it will take longer when inside her

a couple of drinks can make things go better; too many can ruin the deal

you might get her off first (manually, orally)

[Opinion Owner]

So sorry! Was I right? ... or did you dump her. I see this as you are now free to do better with a better match. Whether true or not, think of her as just not as big a turn on as The One you will eventually meet.

[udolipixie]

Girls, your boyfriend is inexperienced and bad at sex. Do you dump him or work on it?

Dump him as I adhere to the seemingly common male mindset that 'her orgasm is her responsibility' and I see it as being irresponsible to work on sex for some guy when there are lots of experienced guys out there.

What do I do?

Perhaps:

- make sure you're hitting the g-spot when f*cking her

- work the cl*t when f*cking her or use a cl*t vibrator (probably suited to get the vibrator as in my opinion guys generally are solely focused on their pleasure so you won't have the ability to work the cl*t and the vibrator would probably do a way better job than you could ever do)

- ask her to show you how she likes being touched so you can work on those erogenous zones when f*cking her

[udolipixie]

Will a girlfriend dump her boyfriend if he is inexperienced and bad in bed right now?

Some will no different than a guy would dump his girlfriend if she's not putting out or putting out as much as he wants since for some sexual satisfaction is important in a relationship.

Will she dump me if it happens again?

Possibly as it seems either she'll dump you due to getting as this affects her self-esteem or out of resentful from enduring you shoving your d*ck inside her and her getting no to little pleasure in return as I'm not seeing any mention of her orgasms.

[Asker]

This isn't me not caring about her getting off. I WANT her to get off. I will gladly eat her out to get her off and every time I give oral she gets off. Sex is something that takes practice to get good at

[udolipixie]

I didn't say this is about you not caring about her getting off. I did say her not getting off during sex can possibly lead to her resenting you for getting all the pleasure while she's a hole for your d*ck to a nut in. In my opinion sex is something that takes knowledge and communication as many have no practice and are great as they have knowledge of the female anatomy so they know the g-spot and cl*t and they communicate with her on what she likes and how she likes it.

[Anonymous]

The only way to get better is to keep "practicing" have you tried giving her oral then going straight into sex? Sometimes giving oral (to a guy) lowers his ejaculation time! Honestly it sounds like she's like me, her self esteem issues are beginning to get in the way of your sex life! One way you can help her with that is make sure she knows she beautiful not just when she wears makeup or when she dresses up, but all the time randomly! One way to help you last longer would be to stop masturbating!

[xxjetaime]

Well..personally I think if she's patient and understands that it's not her fault..she's not going to break up with you, but with her self-esteem..I'm thinking she just blames herself that sex isn't what she expected to be and that she feel insecure cause it takes some time for you to get hard again..

[Asker]

That's what I want! Her to be patient and understand its not about her. She keeps saying she FEELS that way. I'm worried because the sex is bad she'll break up with me

[kheserthorpe]

She's not patient though.

[kheserthorpe]

At some point yes, because she seems to think that if your relationship is good the sex will magically all work out.

It won't.

[Asker]

So what would you suggest? And can you elaborate?

[kheserthorpe]

Check out the premature ejaculation sub forum at Pegym. But ts going to he hard to fully fix as long as you're with her. You need a girlfriend where you know you're going to have tons of sex and of you come fast you can try again.

[kheserthorpe]

Re update: I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. I mean it. She would have wrecked years of your life. You deserve BETTER then that.

[Asker]

It's hard right now, but thank you for the kind words. It does mean a lot.

[kheserthorpe]

I know, and I'm sorry. Work on the exercises at PEGYM - edging, awareness, kegel/reverse kegels, etc. Will it work next time you have sex? Probably not, but it will be -close- to working. Honestly though, don't spend years in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't care about making sex good, and just expects it to BE good. I suspect you two had some other issues - you were a little emotionally needy maybe, rather then maintaining the part of you that made her like you.

[Anonymous]

For a young guy, not getting hard right away isn't the norm. Most girls don't break up with a guy over lack of orgasms ... so my thoughts are that she is feeling some kind of insecurity about your attraction to her or enthusiasm for her. It could be conditioned by her past experiences and her thoughts about male sexuality. A lot of girls feel that men's love is very tied into his sexual desire, attention and performance. If you are having issues with arousal that fall outside of her knowledge of guys, it may freak her out as much as you are freaked out by her response.

You two need to have a conversation about this issue, instead of just trying to solve it through sex. Not about the sex itself, per se, but about the feelings assosicated with it.

[Opinion Owner]

If she's that insecure, she's not much of a girlfriend, anyway. That's the type who ends up going through your text messages and e-mail. Not getting hard right away, still, is not the norm for a guy of your age. Do you have an anxiety disorder or other issue going on? Do you get hard quickly when looking at p*rn, etc?

[Anonymous]

I would leave and find a better guy.

[Opinion Owner]

btw I have left and cheated on exes who had similar issues. She is not happy sexually with you. Either she will leave you or cheat on you

[Opinion Owner]

@update: I knew she was going to leave. She wasn't happy and sex takes time. Time she doesn't want or have. good luck with the next girl

[Anonymous]

She needs to stop being childish about it. Sex is a very distinct feeling and it takes time to be good at/used to it. If she dumps you, it's her loss. But I can understand why she would be frustrated. Personally it is normal for a guy to be hard/horny just by looking at you, so that may be a blow to her self esteem if you don't.

[Anonymous]

My past boyfriend was really bad in bad. I never broke up with him over it, though. And he was even more experienced than me.

Most girls wouldn't break up with you over it since it's your first time and everything, but she's being a bit dramatic and irrational about it. So I don't know. Just try to talk to her about what's going on some more. Sometime whenever she's not freaking out and crying about it, so maybe she'll listen to you.

[Asker]

We've been dating for 5 months and have had sex like 8 times. None of which got her off

[Opinion Owner]

You need more than a few times to get good at it. And if she puts a lot of pressure on you, it certainly won't make it any better for either of you.

[Opinion Owner]

If she broke up with you over that, she's immature. I'm guessing that she's probably just as inexperienced as you are. She sounds like a bitch, so you're probably better off.

[Asker]

I guess it was kind of mutual? I kept asking if this was something she's going to want to break up over. I knew she wasn't happy. But I was willing to work on it. She would've jumped at that if she wanted to be with me

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah. Don't let it make you feel bad about yourself. All guys are bad at sex at first. Getting good at sex requires plenty of practice. Her putting so much pressure on you DEFINITELY won't help you get any better. When guys are stressed over their performance, it only makes things worse.