Apparently I give off the vibe I'm into S&M? How might I do that?

[Anonymous]

I have no idea how this is possible, but the first time my boyfriend and I got sexual he kind of... freaked me out? I've always been with the very sensual guys... and this guy just went in for the whole control scheme. How do I describe it? First all, he's like the NICEST guy in the world on the outside. He's had one girlfriend ever and has only ever kissed that girl. I have no idea where his dark side comes from... but he LOVES control. I finally asked him about it and he said I give off the vibe that I'm into it? I don't know how I did that. I think it's him, really. He always says he's turned on when I roll my eyes or bite my lip... and that he can't even concentrate when we're in the same room trying to study together. The first time we EVER did anything sexual together he fingered me for like an hour and every time I got close he'd slow down and tell me not to get it... and if I got really close he'd just stop. That was the first ever sexual thing we did together. He went from like slow and sensual to that in like 2 seconds... It was a bit shocking. You'd think for the 1st time ever we'd keep it on the more normal side. Idk, I felt like he was trying to exert some kind of power over me by being like ha ha I can give you your orgasm on my time and not yours... Another time he held me down and told me if I didn't close my eyes and keep my hands above my head he'd stop everything he was doing... aka kissing me, touching me, fingering me, licking me everywhere. A couple times I couldn't help but move and he'd reach up and just push me back down and kept saying if I didn't cooperate then he'd stop. Idk how I gave off the vibe I was into this... I'm not sure how I feel about it... I mean, being pushed down and being told when I can get it is kind of a whole new concept to me. It kind of makes me feel powerless. He makes me beg for an orgasm too. Is that weird?

[kholland65]

There are couple things possibly occurring here.

1. He's into BDSM, since this is exactly how it plays out (i.e. guy controlling her orgasm, holding her down, expecting cooperation, etc.) and just didn't feel comfortable showing that side of him right away. As soon as he felt comfortable, he let his true sexual desires show.

2. Some guys will joke and guess that we think a certain girl is a freak in bed. There really isn't much to us making that judgment. It's not a scientific process that makes us think that. It can be a number of things or even just a vibe. Sometimes we just sense the sexual frustration in her and feel like she'd explode in bed. Sometimes we feel she has a feisty/fiery personality that would translate into being freaky in bed. So sometimes its just little clues like that which might give us a vibe that your into kinky stuff or a freak in bed.

3. Similar to #2, he might have just gotten the vibe that you had a very submissive personality which for most women carries into the bedroom. Quite frankly, the majority of women get off on a certain level of dominance from their man in the bedroom. Maybe not always to the degree in which your Boyfriend has taken it, but lots of women do like when a guy gets a little aggressive and does stuff like pulls their hair, spanks them, grabs and move their body around, and overall becomes aggressive in bed.

[Asker]

I know he used handcuffs on his first (and only other) girlfriend. see, the only thing that freaks me out is if he thinks he has this kind of dominance outside of the bedroom... and I'm kind of starting to think that... I don't know how to explain this... that he uses THIS kind of stuff to make me act a certain way outside of the bedroom too. Idk... something about him... it's like if I don't comply with what he likes then we're just "not meant to be." Idk, I'm confused! I don't know if I like this or not!

[kholland65]

yes, It could be an indication of who he is outside of the bedroom, or it could be that his bedroom behavior is influencing his who he is outside of the bedroom. Obviously only you can be the judge of that. He might just have a controlling personality type which is obviously not entirely uncommon in certain men. Some women really like to be completely subordinate, others don't. Every girl and guy is different. You just have to determine if you feel your personalities mesh.

[Asker]

I'm not sure... I think need some space. He's got some major red flags going for him. He pretty much told me he'd prefer a stay at home mom... I said I wasn't sure... then we talked about how great it was that we both had stay at home mom's... I mentioned I have loans and he just kinda shrugged? One time he sat me down and asked if I felt inferior to him... and then explained that I shouldn't because we're equals. It was so random/weird/awkward.

[kholland65]

Well I don't find him as weird as you do based on your last post. First of all, most guys, despite what feminism is promoting, still want a stay at home wife (to a degree). It's not about dominance. It's simply an attractive feminine quality to have a wife who cares for the nest and the children, just like its attractive when a guy can go out financially support you, protect you and the kids, and fix things around the house. Having a talk like that is actually a good one to have, to make sure

[kholland65]

your lifestyles, philosophies, and personalities match. Obviously if he wants a stay at home wife and you want no part of that, then you guys aren't a match, and it would be good to get that out in the open right away. Asking if you felt inferior to him is a strange question to ask I guess, but what he said after that is good. Maybe he correctly got the vibe that you felt he was controlling you too much and wanted to make sure you didn't feel smothered and oppressed by him.

[kholland65]

It sounds to me like you simply have some soul searching to do because your not really sure what you want. You don't know if what he's asking for is bad or good so your hoping I'll give you that answer. In this case, its neither. He's just a normal guy who has his own personality, lifestyle and desires, and its up to you to decide if they are compatible with yours, since his are now out in the open.

[Asker]

You're right, you are absolutely right. He IS smothering me though. He just keeps coming at me with all this THIS is what I want kind of stuff... I've never met someone so... THIS is the way it will be... I've always dated and been with people who are more go with the flow. How do I tell him I need space? Honestly, I don't think he'd give it. I think he'd say we just weren't meant to be and then leave it. That's how he is... certainty certainty certainty and he keeps pushing me to be certain 24/7

[kholland65]

It's funny you say all this and its confirming something I've learned about myself. I was like your BF. Being the mature person that I am, I would approach my relationships to scientifically and have these conversations too early on, instead of going with the flow. I think something can be said for both approaches. There needs to be a little of both. Going with the flow is good, but from time to time, it is a good idea to have serious talks about the relationship and who the two of you are.

[Asker]

Yeah I definitely agree. He actually IS a scientist ha. Fitting. He's just very black and white... and when I don't fit perfectly into a category he seems to like me less? So what do I do with a guy like this? I can't get space, he wants answers asap, if I don't fit into his world he doesn't want me?

[kholland65]

Well there you go. I'm not a scientist but I have the personality of one so I'm not surprised me and your Boyfriend are very similar, and I'll admit it can be a fault at times while being great in others. I think you just need to have the same conversation we are now. Just let him know honestly how you feel, and tell him that you are aware of how he is, and why he thinks the way he does, and that you respect him for that. Just let him know that he needs to try and compromise with you.

[kholland65]

To be a little less calculated and just go with the flow. Tell him that its not a matter of the two of you being incompatible but that the two of you need to have realistic expectations of each other and to learn to compromise on thing, and if that means he gives you some more space or slows down then so be it. Just don't attack him, and approach it with respect. Reiterate that your not telling him what he does is bad, but that its just who he is and you want to work around/with it.

[Asker]

hm okay. wish me luck!

[worzt]

"he's turned on when I roll my eyes or bite my lip" tell him to stop reading 50 shades :P

to each their own, anything can be "normal" if you both agree to it, but if you are just not into it, then don't do it, and if it is his cup of tea, then maybe you both should find other partners

I know a pair of girls that really are into BDSM, and they, well, they are pretty steroetypical of what you think a sub or dom would look like, ofthe wear leather, have bigger-than-average tattoos, piercings and are kind of tomboy-ish, very loud, and highly sexual even if only sitting in ench writing, IF you are like this, maybe you give that vibe. but even then, one should not just make assumptions.

[Asker]

I wear like flowery dresses and like... cardigan sweaters! haha. I do like screamo music. maybe that's why he thinks that. Seriously, he reminds me exactly of the guy from 50 shades. 2nd book. I show up and he always has food for me, he doesn't like to be touched in certain places after getting an orgasm. Idk... this guy's dark! is this much intensity normal? like are most guys like this?

[martyfellow]

A lot of people have hidden power addictions. Some people are calm and pleasant but monsters when they get behind the wheel of their car...others...well, you just told us about one of them!

[Asker]

I've had other bf's... and done stuff with other guys, but I've never been with a guy like this. Are most guys like this?

[FourStar]

He sounds like a freak but maybe your aggessive vibe gives off that feeling

[Asker]

lol like freak in a bad way? oh, he thinks I'm submissive. I feel like he puts it into my head...

[FourStar]

Freak in a kinky way, my girlfriend is an aggressive person in everyday life but when we have sex she loves being submissive I use to choke her and everything till she balcked out once and I told her I'm not doing it again

[Asker]

wow crazy. yeah, I feel like he's opened my world to a whole new world haha. at the same time though... sometimes I feel like he uses sex in order to get what he wants in like... normal day to day stuff. idk, it's really confusing. like if I don't comply with him on what he wants during the day... then I'm just not "the one." It's confusing. He made me ramen once and said I had to eat it his way because he made it. I can't tell if he's kidding. once he made me eat w/o silverware because I usually use them

[FourStar]

HAHA LMFAO that had me laughing umm that kind of stuff sounds pretty weird I like crazy sex in bed but me or my girlfriend aren't controlling towards each other

[Asker]

yeah! I can't tell if he's kidding though. Idk... I really don't know about this guy... he's got some serious quarks. doesn't like when girls wear perfume or makeup. maybe he's just too young to realize that women look great with makeup ha ha as long as it's not a lot!

[FourStar]

Hmmmm what an odd kind of guy lol as long as he keeps you happy have fun with him

[Asker]

hahaha so long as he doesn't get more controlling? idk! I'm so confused. I should talk to him. I did once and then nothing changed... I said I needed to work up to all of this and he was like OK. and then nothing changed... he was like... I can tell you like it, you just might not know it.

[FourStar]

Well IMO he sounds kinda controlling or maybe just selfish worryin about what he wants and not you at all

[Asker]

hm yeah. I can't tell! I feel like it's that way too :/ tbh. Idk, he's just so nice... and then so... I want it that way? but then he lets me choose so much. It's so confusing

[FourStar]

In general he seems like a good guy for you. ;-) I enjoyed this little convo tho

[Asker]

hahaha really?

[FourStar]

Yeah why not? ;-)

[Asker]

idk, he doesn't seem controlling? odd? weird? ha ha idk!

[FourStar]

Making you do things is part of controlling but he is on a minor scale, he doesn't want you to be telling him what to do.

[Asker]

lol no, I don't think he likes being told what to do

[FourStar]

Yeah lol that's part of him being controlling a relationship you should be able to at least have some say to what you guys do.

[Asker]

hm yeah... idk, I just don't know. I don't think I know him well enough to know what's really going on either... or how to ask him. He's not very approachable? Doesn't' like criticism? Idk. It's hard to say. He just kind of doesn't contribute to conversation.

[FourStar]

LOL your hilarious but yeah! Seems like you guys do like each other but have an odd relationship. ;-)

[Asker]

hahahaha feels that way too

[FourStar]

From what you've told me though you guys have pretty crazy sex lol

[Asker]

hahaha are most people like that? have I been living under a rock until him?

[FourStar]

LMFAO who knows, ask to be the dominate in bed next time you guys have sex I can gurantee you he will not want that

[Asker]

hahaha you don't think he'll like it if I dominate? idk. Maybe I'll scare him one day and try it... like what he did to me! out of no where... haha

[FourStar]

He would do one of two things lol like it and let you dominate as a welcome change, or he would turn it around real quick lol

[Asker]

I'm not sure if he likes it or not hahaha. I think he does... hahaha. I started giving him a back massage and he loooveess when I suck on his ear... I did it til he begged for more... :) hahahaha.

[FourStar]

HAHA "begging for more" lol your relationship sounds funny

[Asker]

hahahaha what? are people not all like that? haha

[FourStar]

Yes everybody likes to be bit in the ear and and choked during sex lol

[Asker]

hahahaha OK so I'll take that as a no...

[madhatters4]

It doesn't sund like you give off a vibe it sounds like you just met a guy who is into that stuff and assumed you would.

Although I've often thought that girls that are into the goth or emo style are more likely to be into S&M, but that is the only vibe that I associate with s&m...that said I wouldn't simply assume a girl was into it just because she dressed a certain way.

[Asker]

Yeah, I'm really really not used to any of this. I can't tell if he's trying to like... exert some kind of power over me or what? idk. I just feel kind of weird about it... like I have no control over my own body with him in bed. He REALLY likes it though. Maybe he assumed that I am because we both listen to screamo music... idk, maybe if I worked up to that... but it's kind of weird or feels weird to have to beg for an orgasm when I never did before...? make sense?

[madhatters4]

it is absolutely weird for you. I think you have to communicate with him that you're not into it. If you don't lay down the line on that matter he is going to assume that you are OK with it and you'll find yourself in a corner

[Asker]

oh I've already been thrown up against the wall in a closet. that was kinda cute, but sheesh, he can't keep his hands off or out of my pants!