I feel so bad...my boyfriend can't stay hard

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now. He's a 39 year old ex-smoker of 10 years that drinks occasionally. He has a great physique...played hockey for 20 years and he works out. I'm a 27 year old health nut that loves sex.

Within the last 2 months, we've been trying to have sex but he cannot seem to keep his erection. Even when I give him oral sex, his penis is usually flaccid in my mouth. Otherwise, when we fool around, he's hard as a rock...but the moment clothes come off, he can't stay hard.

I'm kinda concerned that he is turned off by my unusual body type (I'm 5'2", 115lbs wearing a G cup bra...grandma had huge boobs too...lol). He assures me that he likes my body although he NEVER looks at me or any part of my body during sex. I know it's normal to close your eyes during sex, but this erection issue has me thinking lots of crazy things lately.

The other day, he asked if I've ever considered a breast reduction. I've never had surgery before and the thought of anyone cutting my body open freaks me out completely. Plus, I do a lot of back and ab exercises when I go to the gym, so I don't have any back pain...so I've never had to consider surgery before. Was that his subtle way of telling me he doesn't like big breasts? Am I just being too sensitive? I've never had anyone complain about them before.

Sometimes he is hard enough to get it in, but it has NEVER lasted more than 15 mins. This is going to sound terrible, but...I've faked orgasms with him a few times to boost his confidence (in case it was an insecurity issue), but that hasn't seemed to make a difference. Instead, he almost seems relieved that he can stop having sex with me. So, he usually stops and says he needs a break...but we never go at it again. He has only ejaculated twice...I haven't had an orgasm with him at all (although he thinks I have on many occasions).

When he loses his erection during sex and we have to stop, he always says, "I don't know what happened. This has NEVER happened before." It's not very flattering to know that I'm the only girl he can't get hard for. The last time he had sex in his previous relationship was 3 months ago. So, only within the last 3 months of knowing me, he hasn't been able to maintain an erection.

I always tell him that it's okay and we both make excuses for why it happens (he's tired, he had too much to drink, he has a cold)...but the truth is, those excuses don't apply to all 60 days we've been trying to get intimate.

I'm scared of letting him know how insecure this is all making me feel because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. Plus, I don't want to put additional pressure on him.

Now, I'M the one that's becoming insecure...I need help/advice.

What can I do to drive him crazy in bed? Is it possible that my disproportionate body freaks him out?

I was supposed to see him today, but I got crazy anxiety over the situation and I didn't sleep all night. So, I ended up falling asleep at 10:00am and canceling our plans to hang out since I was tired.Well, I'm gonna try talking to him about it tomorrow.
He finally told me the truth. He says that when he puts it in, he's so excited that he wants to ejaculate within the first few minutes. But, he tries to hold off and he ends up losing his erection because he tries thinking about other things.
Man, I was relieved to hear that. I told him to just ejaculate and not hold it in. Eventually, it'll take longer and longer for him to climax. So, that's what we did today. He came twice within 10 mins and once within 30 mins.
And, apparently he inquired about the breast reduction because when he was massaging my back and it felt tight so he assumed that I had back problems. Oh my goodness, I feel so ridiculous! Okay, so apparently the problem wasn't really a BIG problem.
Although the issue was completely different, most people here encouraged me to talk to him about it. If it weren't for you, I'd still be having anxiety over this. We're going to continue to figure out how to effectively communicate with each other.
Thanks everyone for your advice and help.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I feel for you, its quite a difficult problem to tackle.

    I had a similar problem when I first started seeing my current girlfriend of 4 years. It was insane because I found her massively attractive and wanted to have sex with her so much it just didn't seem to make sense. I decided to go see a doctor to try find out if this was physical or just in my head. The doctor took some blood samples and it was confirmed that the issue was not physical, which I guess was a slight relief but then I had to address what psychological issues were causing this.

    To cut a long story short I am pretty sure that the cause was a loss of self confidence that stemmed from a pretty messy breakup from my ex. I also put myself under quite a lot of pressure as I really liked this girl and really wanted to please her, so I think I was struggling to relax in the bedroom.

    Once these problems start to occur it can become a vicious circle as you start to worry about it happening in advance which obviously does not help and you also worry about how your partner is going to feel. This problem did not last long for me as we were able to talk it over which I think is key. Things are great between us now and we have an amazing sex life.

    In your case I think the best thing to do would be to try and get your partner to see a doctor first, just so you can eliminate the possibility of it being a physical problem. Then the next step is to just try and talk about it, try and be as open as possible about things and hopefully things will start to improve.

    Sensitivity is probably the most important issue from both sides here as these kinds of problems can cause so much insecurity for both of you. Him making comments like 'Its never happened to me before' is pretty thoughtless as its almost like blaming you.

    I don't think you need to worry about it being an issue relating to your physical appearance (although the comment he made about breast reduction is pretty crazy). It sounds to me as though this is him struggling to adapt sexually to a new partner.

    • Man, it's great to hear your story. Did you keep trying to have sex with your girlfriend at the time or did you wait until you figured out what was going on. I think that's the most frustrating/hurtful/embarrassing part...he keeps trying to have sex throughout the day, so we both have this embarrassment 2-3 times a day.

      Btw, I'm glad you were able to work through it and things are going well now. Good for you.

    • My boyfriend started having "unreliable" erections a few years ago. This was causing me to feel insecure, thinking maybe he just wasn't turned on by me anymore. Viagra was recommended by a friend, so we tried it and that was the best erection my husband has ever had! I tell him it just helps him meet his best potential. So this has been a part of our lives ever since. The 45 minute wait is actually kind of a turn on because I know what's coming. I love it and I highly recommend.
      If you're curious this is reliable site where we buy the tablets and they sent it to us without a prescription:


      Their customer service was fantastic, price was awesome and we received our order within a few days.

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What Guys Said 4

  • It can happen (I've read posts about under 18 year old guys), but it's more likely to happen when older. It's also more likely to happen to a pot smoker, a drinker or someone who is worried or ill. The problem is rarely with the woman or with the penis. He obviously knew about your cup size when he started dating, it would be difficult to overlook.

    I see lots of questions unanswered:

    Did he tell you the truth concerning his ex(es)? Is the "never happened before" sincere or a way of shifting the "guilt " from him to you?

    How much is he in love with you? Feelings of guilt about a situation?

    Some more talking between you about all this might help to pinpoint the cause. (I know, the subject is a delicate one)

    A penis ring can help.

    Eventually, they write and say lots about Viagra (I didn't try it) but it seems to work only when there's lust. Who initiates sexual play: he or you?

    How's it if he masturbates? Probably as hard as when you fool around.

    Which phantasms does he use masturbating? Skinny flat chested women?


    If you're fair haired and light skinned, tanning your breasts (self tanning in a tube) might change looks as might lip stick on your areoles.


    • What you can do too, (if it's about your body), is to wear nice sexy lingerie when making love.

    • He tells me he loves me all the time and he was very insistent that I meet his mother and his friends because he wanted everyone to know how in love he is. I'm from Venezuela, so I have olive to dark skin (season dependent) and dark brown hair. I know he likes olive skinned girls with short hair.I used to initiate sex but the whole thing has become so embarrassing that I don't anymore. Lately, he always initiates and, he seems to REALLY wanna have sex cause he's always trying to get me in bed.

    • If it's about looks, there's always the possibility of having sex in the dark, just switch of the light, the way your grandmother probably did.

  • Age is a factor here. When men enter their 40s, their sexual energies start to change. This is not saying that everyone man over 40 becomes impotent. But, as if by nature's order, it is time for them to slow down, do reviews of their life, set the tone and plan for the latter half of their life. It is like the intermission between the first and second half of a 90 minutes soccer game. And not only men, women have this phase of life too.

    • Very true. He seems happier talking about home renovations and our future than any dirty talk. Maybe he pretends to want sex all the time because he knows I like it so much...and maybe he's at a point where it isn't important to him anymore. Is that possible? Do some men really reach that point? Or am I pulling this theory outta my butt?

    • Yes, if he hasn't reached that point, he is going to in two to three years time. It is only natural for a human being, man or woman, after spending 40 years on this planet, right at the half-point (taking 80 years as average) mark of his/her life, to sit down, do some contemplations, review his/her life. H/She will need more time, alone. Because no one else can do the thinking for him/her. It is his/her own life. The sexual energies will go into rollar-coaster rides for many.

  • I don't think your body is what the problem is I think he has a problem staying hard. I'm sure for most men with this problem it's hard to admit to. Especially since it sounds like he is the kind of hockey playing, drinking, smoking, type. It may not even be that it's hard to admit to you, he may be struggling to admit to himself that he can't keep it up that's why he always has excuses. I have been with women that don't have the greatest bodies and when it's time to go I have no problem getting it up so I really doubt it's just because you have big boobs. I would maybe try mentioning in a really nice way that he see a doctor, you could even say you're concerned that it could be something more serious wrong down there. Good luck.

  • if he's not staying hard for you, he's not sexually attracted to you, which may be a "deeper problem" probably based in the relationship itself..talk to him about what he feels is going on..see if he explains, if not then see if he'll get help for it


What Girls Said 3

  • If going down on him doesn't even get him hard, then I'm at kind of a loss.

    Serious question, are you sure he's straight? I could see a gay guy who's in denial acting like this. Actually I think it'd be exactly how they would act. Right down to the thinking a girl's breasts were too big (it's just not something that straight guys usually think).

    • Hmmm, I'm not sure. He seems straight. Although, I've never seen him check anyone else out (man OR woman), but he does get upset when guys hit on me or spontaneously start talking to me. How would I know for sure if he's straight?

    • I don't know. I've usually been able to get the gay vibe off of guys. Some of those stereotypes are actually helpful in this regard. Not that all guys prefer theater to sports, but some of them definitely do.

      I guess he could have a physical issue too. Does he jerk off? Is he able to stay hard then?

  • 1. "

    The other day, he asked if I've ever considered a breast reduction. " dump him. he's obviously not happy about you and making you insecure, so he's not worth it.

    2. "

    When he loses his erection during sex and we have to stop, he always says, "I don't know what happened. This has NEVER happened before."" it probably has happened all the time, he just needs to say that so you don't think there's something wrong with him.

    3. "I'm scared of letting him know how insecure this is all making me feel because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does" if he asked you for a boob job, chances are he's only thinking of himself.

    • I'd really like to work things out with him if possible. I was previously in a 5 year relationship (we had amazing sex) and when it ended, I was sure that I wouldn't date again. And I didn't for 2 yrs, until I met this guy. He's everything I've ever wanted in a partner. The only thing holding us back is this issue. So, I'd really like to resolve it. If it were anyone else, it'd probably be easy for me to just dump him.

  • My boyfriend and I have been dating for 20 days 2 times we have had sex. He told me I've never had this problem before. The first night he couldn't keep hard he was drinking so I figured that's what it was. And still the next time we did it he didn't get hard he only stayed hard one time and he came in the condom. He tolde he likes me a lot and I make him so happy but he doesn't think he's sexually attracted to me I have been hurt so many times and I have been having anxiety attacks because I'm so scared I'm going to lose him I like him so much everything is going great until we try to have sex. One time he got hard tried fucking me and then he got soft I said once we get to the bed I want you to eat me out. He said I just want to go to sleep I was crying silently and I fell asleep crying! I just have been so insecure sense because I was at my friends and my friends friend was talking about having a threesome she was kidding but ever sense then my boyfriend was acting like I was not even there and he kept looking at her! I just want to know what's wrong with me and why I always get hurt!! :,( -Megan