Is it really too much to ask to give a guy a hand job if you are not in the mood?

[Anonymous]

I'm single myself but I have heard a lot of complaints of friends (and experienced myself in the past) that girlfriends will withhold sex for longer periods on behalf of "not being in the mood". And it pisses me off. I see guys go shopping, visit family, watch chick flicks, go walk and picknick... Not because they are so into it, but because the girl likes it. As it should be in a relationship, right? Then why can't a girl give a guy a hand if she's not in the mood? Is it really that much to ask to have a quicky or at the very least a hand job?! Sure, not everything is about sex and you don't have to do anything you don't want to but like women will often tell their guy: "I want you to want to do it for me, not because I tell you." It's okay to be grumpy because your guy doesn't want to go do something romantic (and it really is) but if a guy gets grumpy because he hadn't "had any" for a couple of days he's told to "deal with it" or "grow up". I think it's unfair. If you love someone, is it so much to ask for some affection or at least some quick relief? We all need sex you know, your guy just more than you.

[samhradh_leannan]

It really depends. Sometimes I'm interested in just pleasing my boyfriend, sometimes I am totally happy to do it. But if I'm not in the mood BECAUSE I am exhausted or not feeling well (the main reasons why I would not be in the mood), then why should I be obligated to go to the trouble and effort of getting him off? The bottom line is, he can always masturbate. Sure, maybe it's not quite as fun as having someone else do it for you, but it's still going to provide relief. And if he's the one who wants relief, then he can be the one to work for it. I see nothing unfair.

You can't compare sexual favors to visiting family and spending time together. Sex is not what you get in return for acting like you are in a relationship. It is part of the relationship, not something separate to use as a bartering tool, and it is never an obligation. If you don't want to go on a picnic, then don't go on a damn picnic. Maybe a relationship is not really what you want anyway.

I think part of the issue here might be that you seem to be under the impression that girls are constantly just "not in the mood" for absolutely no legitimate reason. But that's not how it works. Not being in the mood to have sex most likely stems from exhaustion, stress, not feeling well, PMS or menstruation, stale sex or problems within the relationship. We are not just flaky nut jobs with no sex drive. So if a girl isn't in the mood for sex, try to cut her a little more slack and see if you can get an understanding of why, before you accuse her of being selfish.

[Asker]

You make it a bartering tool though. Like you said, sex is part of a relationship. Why do you think guys have relationships? I tell you right now, #1 reason is sex and intimacy. If you don't want to have sex regularly, then maybe you don't want to be in a relationship. Because that is what men like. Not visit grandma, not rent "Twilight", not walk go shop for slippers... But sex. We do want to do all those things, for HER. Not because we like them to.

[samhradh_leannan]

Speak for yourself. Not every guy is in a relationship just for the sex. Plus, that's not what I meant by "sex is part of the relationship". I meant that it is something mutual between two people who love each other, which is also what a (real) relationship is all about. Nothing is EVER owed in a relationship, not sex, not picnics, not slipper shopping. You have the power to compromise and to find a relationship that you are happy in with someone who you are compatible with.

[Asker]

Did I say "just for sex"? I said "give a guy a hand every once in a while". I'm not saying a guy shouldn't do "couple stuff" with their girl, I'm saying they should. Do you really want a relationship where your guy does what he feels like, and you do too? Because you will end up ignoring each other.

[samhradh_leannan]

I'm not saying it is unreasonable for a guy to expect a handjob "once in a while". But a girl is not obligated to give one every time she is not in the mood to have sex. Sex is not just for the guy, and "couple stuff" is not just for the girl, so it doesn't make sense for those things to be bartering tools for each other. I am just saying think about the big picture before you automatically place all the blame on the girl or automatically accuse her of selfishness.

[samhradh_leannan]

The bottom line for me is, yes, sex is an important part of a relationship, and I do value my partner's satisfaction and often I AM willing to please him even when I am not in the mood. But that doesn't mean there should be an obligation or something that is owed. The idea that a girl is obligated to satisfy her partner any and every time he wants her to is offensive, to put it simply, and that's why almost every girl is voting B.

[Asker]

I never said that girls are obligated to, I asked if it really is that much trouble. It's not about pressuring women into sex acts, you'll find it that most guys are complaining rather than taking charge. Nobody said "every time", if you go see the original question it says: "after long periods of withholding sex". Why are you trying to convince yourself that I'm being unreasonable? Do or or don't you have problems with relieving your partner if you yourself are not in the mood?

[samhradh_leannan]

Okay, in that case, here is your answer: yes, it can be that much trouble, depending on the reasons why the girl is not in the mood. There is also a big difference between wanting to please him because it makes me happy, versus being accused of selfishness if I opt not to. That is naturally going to put girls on the defensive.

[iPood]

If I'm not in the mood, I'm not in the mood. That being said, I have no problem giving him a bj if he really needs a release (I don't do handjobs often because a) it's not junior high and b) he can give himself a better hj than I can give, whereas he cannot give himself a bj). Girls who ignore the fact that sex is an important part of a relationship and don't realize that the need for sex in a relationship is equally important to emotional connection are going to have a rough time.

[onlyaguy]

You're one of the good ones!

[worzt]

hats off gentelman

[grshprcrk]

I'll do it, but I'm not gonna pretend to like it. I think that it's not a duty though. You don't owe him anything. It's not like a trade. You do things to make the other person in the relationship happy because it makes you happy too stuff like going to chick flicks and walks in the park.

[MrOracle]

I've never had this problem in 25+ years of relationships.

IMO, if you act like a man in the first place, AND you take care of her needs (and not just her sexual ones), I've found that women are ANXIOUS to please you sexually. At least, that's been true of the last dozen or more girls I've dated, and several of them admitted to not having a high sex drive before they were with me.

Make her feel secure in the relationship, pay her some attention when she wants it, and do your part around the house, and it's all good.

Now, to be fair, if she's had a long or especially trying day, then, yeah, expect her to be exhausted and to just go to bed. That happens to everyone, and you have to be able to deal with that sometimes, but if you are understanding during those times, she's probably going to remember that next time you're having sexy time, and she'll make an extra effort.

Remember: your attitude towards her is likely to be reflected back towards you, so if you're positive, she usually will be too. At the same time, if she's being unreasonable, you can't take that crap, and you need to establish that on Day one and never waiver.

[kheserthorpe]

I'd guess if you do what you've said, you're 80% screening out women who don't want that kind of relationship, and 20% directing the remainder to a relationship where things are reasonable.

[MrOracle]

That's exactly right. I definitely screen out a lot of women. I'm not desperate for a relationship or insecure if I don't have one, so I have no problem sending a girl on her way if she's that unreasonable. I also set expectations very early on, and teach the girls that I date that they can get all the attention from me they want if they are reasonable, and NONE if they are unreasonable. I've driven more than one girl straight home because she was being unreasonable. They always call back

[MrOracle]

and apologize, and the next time, they *believe* it if I tell them I'll take them home. They KNOW when they are being overly emotional and unreasonable, and most WANT you, the man, to call them on it, but so few guys do. If you're one who does, they will respect you for it, though. The other thing is that I don't hold a grudge; once she stops being unreasonable, I put it behind me and it's forgotten. They learn that too.

[kheserthorpe]

I don't really think 'unfair' matters.

The reality is, some women deep down think that sexually satisfying their partner is part of being in a relationship, and are happy to do it because its part of being a couple, and part of their self esteem is based on 'i know I please my partner sexually'. Not their entire self worth, but its something that makes them happy. Many like sex with their partner, when they feel like it, and may care about being good at it when they do it (or not!) but don't want to take care of all their partner's needs.

The same is true of most men, from what I understand.

You can complain that its unfair, but you can't guilt someone into doing this long term. They have to -want- to. Men, or women, who feel this way would be -upset- if their partner masturbated because they genuinely WANT to fully satisfy them.

I would never again consider being monogamous with a woman who didn't have that attitude.

And again - don't just blame women. Ask women with a high sex drive how many men are willing to satisfy them whenever they're in the mood.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

A man is tired still expected to do things for their spouse, a woman is tired is expected to have her desires respected and so. Ah double standards live strong in the world. Oye.

[onlyaguy]

True, true...

[normalice]

you've stumbled upon the plight of all men. This is why many of us prefer to stay away from monogamous relationships: no matter how good a new girl is in bed, her enthusiasm will drop off over time. That's when you decide if you prefer to either move on, or stick with her because you don't think you'll find another girl that you like as much for reasons other than sex.

Of course, you could also discuss having an open relationship... Those tend to be volatile conversations, though - however, if you can calm her down she'll probably want sex really badly after it's over. Women seem to need a little disruption here and there to keep them in the mood for sex. Men seem to need sex to keep them from being disruptive. Funny yin-yang..

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Of course, if she's not inthe mood there's no point to it

[Anonymous]

Female counterpart question: "is it really too much to ask for a guy to listen to a girl tell him every thought that pops into her head, even though he's not in the mood to hear it?"

The answer is no to both, and for exactly the same reasons.

[Anonymous]

I don't take him shopping. We don't go to chick flicks. He doesn't visit my family. He's more into walks and picnics than I am. So he can give himself a hand job like a big boy.

[Asker]

Wow, why are you even in a relationship?

[Opinion Owner]

We're both virgins waiting for marriage. So...he gets to take care of himself till then. He knows this.

[Anonymous]

I can't even begin to explain how much I agree with this and don't understand why it stresses women so much.

I had a girlfriend and when she was in the mood our sex life was amazing but we had come to terms that when she wasn't in the mood she would always pick B so I offered to those days do it myself as long as I got to look at a bit of her body while she rested in bed or watched TV or something. By a bit I mean that she could literally have a foot or an hand off the covers for 5 minutes and I'd be set for the night, my imagination is good enough to fill in the missing pieces. I told her I wouldn't touch her at all if she preferred and would be silent, just looking. I wouldn't ejaculate on said body part, either. She wouldn't notice me. I even offered to wait until she was asleep, if she preferred.

Even through all this, asking for that would piss her off since "she's not in the mood and it's a sexual act so it feels awkward and dirty". Mind you, this is a girl who would do absolutely everything if she was in the mood.

As a last resort I asked if I could take a picture of said body part or even print one of the pics she had given me before and just go sort myself in the bathroom. That made her angry because she felt like "she wasn't enough for me". I was borderline begging for a chance to even look at her, if anything that should tell her she's all I need.

I will never understand how a girl can go from doing absolutely everything I can imagine, anywhere, to being this much of a prude over "mood". I mean, I get it in extreme situations like someone died or whatever but if she's just tired because of work? We had a great relationship at this point, too, so it confuses me even more.

Women, why are you so confusing?

[Anonymous]

I agree, it's really not a big deal to give him a hand even if you're not in the mood. You should want your partner to be happy, not miserable.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't get what all the fuss is about. Obviously if you're sick or exhausted those are exceptions, but just "not being in the mood" isn't a reason to tell him to shove it and deal with it himself. Both people in a relationship aren't always going to be horny at the same time, and I think expecting otherwise, especially in marriage and long-term commitments is just unreasonable. Whatever, I'm not going to sex-starve my SO.

[Anonymous]

Definitely B. you can do that yourself.

[Asker]

Would you accept it if your guy said that about going shopping/for romantic dinner/family visit? "You can do that by yourself"

[Opinion Owner]

I don't do that stuff Einstein. Way to generalize.

[Asker]

Don't shoot the messenger