My boyfriend struggles in the bedroom department, would a flashlight help, or make our sex life worse?

[Upstarter]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. I tried to take things slowly as in the past I have been a little easy & things have never worked out. Before we started dating he told me he had some sexual hangups. He feels that he is smaller than average, but also because of a sports injury when he was young he doesn't have much sensitivity down there & doesn't get much pleasure from sex. He confessed early on that he has never managed to come with a girl before, from a handjob/blowjob or from sex. He also told me that most of the girls he'd slept with had not been back in touch afterwards. So this all sounded a little daunting. I am a very sexual person & that part of a relationship is important to me. But he was a nice guy & we got on well so I took most of what he said with a pinch of salt & didn't think it would be so bad, especially if we took it slow. But after our second date he took me by suprize & instigated sex. I was a little resistant at first but thought it had obviously taken a lot of courage for him to go there so it happened. It wasn't as bad as he'd made out. He's pretty much average, but that's not the issue. He really lacks experience & confidence & the sensitivity thing is a real problem. He doesn't get close to orgasm unless he is helping out with his hand. He also finds a lot of normal things weird, like licking or tongue kissing That 1st time is the 1&only time he has instigated anything & when I try I get knocked back 75%of the time. We have sex maybe once every 3weeks if I'm lucky. I understand that he can be tired/stressed from work & just isn't really feeling it, but he seems to have the attitude that since HE doesn't get much out of it its not worth the effort. There is never any sense that he tries please me & I don't know whether its because he feels so bad about it that he thinks he won't be able to, or if he is just being totally selfish. We argue quite a lot about sex & he says I have a one track mind. But I worry that if I stop trying, he will think its all true, that he is no good at it & that I don't want it anymore. Weve talked this weekend & established that he doesn't get real pleasure from sex. As he was single for quite a while prior to dating me, he has 'perfected' his solo technique & this is the only way that he can come. He suggested that I could buy him a fleshlight so that he can try to get used to the feel of a vagina (albeit a fake one) instead of his hand, in the hopes that it can lead on to him being able to finish from different sensations, rather than just the one way he can manage now. Now I honestly want to do anything I can to help him, I can see us being together for a long time, but I really need the sex to improve. Maybe I'm being selfish here, but it means a lot to me. So do you think I should do it & let him practice? Or would this just detract from our sexual intimacy together? I don't want to feel like he is just masturbating more with this, because then I'd get it even less than I do now. What should I do?

[Bloogoo]

Wow... quite a story.

I'm afraid that whatever you do you'll have an uphill battle from now on with this fella.

It seems complicated. He has his injury and doesn't get much out of sex... OK. You do, however- and you want to have more... much more than you are getting. This is very understandable. You do NOT have a one-track-mind. You are perfectly normal and typical.

Usually during the first months of a relationship people are simply all over one another- at least that's been my experience.

He is not being terribly considerate of your needs (and I'm being polite here). He could still do ALL SORTS of things for you/to you with his tongue and fingers- for YOU. This doesn't seem to have occured to him at all, though. He seems pretty attuned to his own needs- but not to yours.

It isn't terribly likely that the situation will change much in the future- though I hate to condemn... it just seems that this is a show of personality. It's also possible he is simply clueless about what to do for a woman. Still- the end result will be the same- for you.

You are not being selfish- on the contrary you seem willing to bend over backwards for the guy. You say that you can see being together with him for a long time- but I wonder just a little bit why...?

What I don't get is why should YOU buy him some toy? Has he lost his own wallet?

It might be best that this guy purchases his OWN fake vagina, some day. Then, once you've moved on for a man more willing to consider your needs and desires (and the simple wish to bring you pleasure- because he WANTS to do that), he can stay home alone with his new little friend.

[kheserthorpe]

I think he should not touch his d*** for 3 weeks.

I'm 100% serious.

Google 'death grip' he's not the only guy like this.

The question is will he work to fix it? If not dump him.

[Upstarter]

There's a site all about death grip and it sound exactly like what his problem is. Theres lots of good advice on there so we'll have to try this out. Thanks!

[noumenon]

Re: the specific question about the fleshlight. Got to be worth a shot, I would have thought.

More generally: if the reason that the only way he can come/get pleasure is through his solo technique, this has got to be purely because of the highly specific way he has developed his technique as a result of the sporting accident, right? So it would seem reasonable to suppose that it will, in the end, prove just as possible for him to get the same or better pleasure from sex with you if only the pair of you find the technique that works for him. How about trying to convince him to try various things with you to see what works?

Accusing you of having a one-track mind sounds to me like a defence-mechanism. He is trying to avoid difficult conversations about his sexual difficulties. So you might have a bit of an uphill struggle trying to get a dialogue going on this one. But once you do get one going it will be worth it. Key thing: however frustrated you get, try not to let it descend into an argument.

Good luck.

[hannibal214]

is he able to come when you give him a blow job?

#1 he should brobably stop using his hand. he may use such a tight grip, that a vagina can never match, that he needs to re-train his penis to be able to come from something looser than his vice-grip, like your vagina or mouth

#2 he should consider using viagra or cialis, which will make him rock-hard