Sexual Health
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Should I be ashamed of my sexuality?

As a man, I'm given a lot of mixed messages about my own sexual drive. On one hand, I'm told it's a horrible thing whose sole purpose is to degrade women. I'm quite strongly given the message that it's something I have to suppress and completely snuff out, either for religious reasons, personal reasons, or for feminist reasons in order to respect women. On the other hand, libido is supposed to be this great sign of youth, a pleasurable experience, a motivating one, and a benefit of masculinity, though I see none of these: A man considered less attractive the younger he is. I find libido is almost entirely a feeling of starvation rather than fulfillment. It's wrought with confusion and stepping on women's toes: I'm supposed to initiate the moment, but the moment I bring it up, I'm a shallow prick? We're spending so many resources trying to ban the word "slut", but calling me a "creep" for the same reasons is just peachy? And for the last one, I don't see much of how men benefit so much from it. I hear girls making all kinds of sexual remarks towards men that would be totally taboo coming from a man's mouth. From my perspective, anyway, it seems WOMEN get most of the freedom of sexual expression, correct me if I'm wrong. So is my sexual side really something I'm supposed to be so ashamed of? Shame is certainly the word I would use to describe how I feel about it. I've just always been fascinated at the vulnerability, the connection, and her giving me permission to satisfy her in ways other people in her life can't. I just wish my own sexuality wasn't so closely attached to the strip-club sexuality of some other guys, and judged on its own merits.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • "for religious reasons"

    Unfortunately, religion makes people feel guilty and ashamed of their sexuality regardless of a person's sex.

    "for feminist reasons in order to respect women."

    You don't have to snuff out your sexuality in order to respect women. Guess what? Women like sex. The vast majority of feminists too.

    "A man considered less attractive the younger he is"

    Says who? You're in the 18-24 age range. Tons of women find 18-24 year old guys very attractive.

    "I'm supposed to initiate the moment, but the moment I bring it up, I'm a shallow prick?"

    Again, women like sex too. Admittedly, some women have weird ideas about men and sex. We're told that men only care about sex or that they'll use us for sex, etc. Obviously that's not true of some men, but it does make some women (particularly young women) wary if a guy brings sex up very early. Others are worried about being seen as "sluts" if they're too eager about sex.

    "We're spending so many resources trying to ban the word "slut", but calling me a "creep" for the same reasons is just peachy?"

    Women are called sluts for simply having sex, for having sex with too many people, for having sex in the "wrong" contexts, for how we dress, or even because of what our bodies look like (e.g. having large breasts). Men aren't called creeps for these reasons. Most women consider a guy a creep if he doesn't respect her boundaries, ignores signs of discomfort, if he's pushy after she says she isn't interested, if he catcalls her, etc.----basically, things that make women feel unsafe/uncomfortable. It has nothing to do with a guy having a healthy sexuality, it has to do with him ignoring a woman's comfort.

    No, guys shouldn't be ashamed of their sexuality. Women shouldn't be ashamed of their sexuality either. It's normal to desire sex---its also possible to have a high libido and still treat women as people.

  • you shouldn't be but you shouldn't say guys have a strip club sexuality either

    • I included the qualifier "some". It's the men with the most shocking ideas of sexuality that wind up representing the whole. More than the actual majority.

Most Helpful Guys

  • I like your thinking. I don't think you're quite on the right track, but I really appreciate how much intellectual thought you've put to this topic - something I've also done a lot of myself.

    This is the key though subtle difference between your line of thinking and mine - "I've just always been fascinated at the vulnerability, the connection, and her giving me permission to satisfy her in ways other people in her life can't."

    I personally believe that to maximize the sexual potential that our respective genders can bring to the table, the men have to realize the fundamental truth that women desire good sex more than men, and that it is only men equipped with the necessary skills that are able to fully satisfy women's sexual desires. Once a women has met a man with the necessary skills, and have experienced what her body's capable of, then it's rarely a case of "her giving you the permission to satisfy her", but rather "her doing her best to continue getting satisfied by you".

    Yes, I think that women's true sexual urges are much stronger than men's. These feelings are only suppressed for the sake of social norms and to avoid slut shaming, but for sure, these feelings are there.

    Back to your initial question - I don't think you should be ashamed by your sexuality. While the male sexuality is often tarnished by the creeps out there who don't care for understanding the female sexual pleasure, it isn't something that is within our control. Instead, focus on the greater goal. Focus on you and on your partners and learn how to fully extract their true sexuality. Only then, will you realize that all these different name calling issues and imbalances out there are really just made by people who have deep seated sexual insecurities or pent up unrealized sexual frustrations, and all these petty sh*t just don't affect or matter to you anymore.

  • No, you shouldn't be ashamed of your sexuality at all. Women get away with far more than men do; that much is certain. It depends on the person, of course, but in general, women want sex just as much as men do. Once you find the right woman, she will WANT you to be sexual with her. As one relationship coach said, women want to be sexual with the right guy, but guys usually try so hard that they inadvertently end up talking the women out of it. If you save your sexual side for the right woman, and if you always keep in mind that she wants it just as much as you do, you'll be fine. :-)

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 5

  • i don't think you should be ashamed unless you legitimately are perhaps being sexually deviant. but as long as you feel good, like without the influence of anyone else, about your sexual decisions than I would say you shouldn't be ashamed

  • "It's wrought with confusion and stepping on women's toes: I'm supposed to initiate the moment, but the moment I bring it up, I'm a shallow prick? We're spending so many resources trying to ban the word "slut", but calling me a "creep" for the same reasons is just peachy?"

    Isn't THAT the truth! Welcome to the world of the 21st century male. We're f***ed no matter what we do.

    Women today are colossal hypocrites.

  • According to Christianity and feminism, yes it is something to be ashamed of.

  • Yes

  • no dont!

  • Religious people are the ones who demanded we feel shame.

    Personally, I ignore them. Sex is great, my libido is a source of pleasure.

  • Welcome to every good man's battle my friend. It's a long road to getting what we want.

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