Sexual Health
+1 y

My boyfriend has bad hygiene but he doesn't think he does; how should I approach this issue

We've been together for 3 years and lived together one 1/2 years. He goes days without brushing his teeth (he claims its because he has gengivitis and his teeth bleed too much) I told him that's all the more reason to take care of them. He skips showers for 2-3 days at a time. Sorry to be graphic but his bum smells so bad that the sheets stink in the spot he sits down, I can smell it on his fingers when he scratches himself. His balls smell...his feet always reek no matter what, so bad you can smell them when you walk in the room, I don't think its normal, I think its a fungus(he doesn't think they smell that bad & says its from being on his feet at work) He doesn't wash clothes too often and wears dirty clothes when he runs out of clean laundry. He eats like a pig, & licks sauce off his plate. He even wants sex when he hasn't showered, I can't even ket him touch my vagina if he hasn't washed his hands cause their likely germy. He gets frustrated when I insist he showers or tell him about his habitats. He's 22, I shouldn't have to tell him these things. He always says he's too tired to showet or that its not a big deal and thinks that I'm overreacting. He says I try to change him but I don't think I'm doing that by asking him to take better care of himself. If he mentioned my hygene id be so embarrassed id fix the problem immediately Its not a deal breaker & I'm not a clean freak, but it really bothers me. I've tried mentioning it jokingly, I've tried seriously talking to him about it, I've tried nagging...the only thing he's done is stop farting around me. I'm frustrated and its making him angry and frustrated with me. how can I help him...any advice?
Updates:
+1 y
Having someone else notice would help but he wears colone so you can't smell him in public. He doesn't stink through his clothing. . Its when we get home and his clothes come off that the odor is evident. I'm going to have a serious talk with him but discussing this with him is very uncomfortable for me, I feel embarrassed even reading all of your responses. I don't want to have to end oir relationship over this because I love him so much.
2 0

Most Helpful Guys

  • That's possibly the most disgusting set of habits I've ever heard a woman put up with.

    His teeth are definitely bleeding because he doesn't brush them enough: that's what's allowing the gingivitis to continue colonizing his mouth.

    Dirty clothes, piggish eating habits, even smelly feet - all those can be overlooked. But sh*t-covered fingers and sheets? What a nightmare.

    You are underreacting, if anything. Hygiene is a deal breaker for most, but if you just want your guy to fix is worst habits, you're going to have to put your foot down.

    Nagging isn't going to fix this. If you are honestly bothered by this and he's getting frustrated by your insistence on basic standards of cleanliness, then you should really consider this as a serious clash of values in your relationship.

    I think that it's worthless to try to force him to be clean if that hasn't happened already. There's other things you can try, like withholding sex (which partially you already have to do because you're so grossed out by his normal state), bringing in other people to bear on the situation, ask him to go to couple's counseling... but all of this will probably seem like more nagging to him. I don't think it will lower his frustration at all because it stems from the fact that you don't accept him at his regular levels of dirtiness, levels which he seems comfortable with.

    You could possibly turn this around with a campaign of positive attitude. Give him crazy sex and other awesome attention immediately after he showers, and ignore him on days he hasn't showered, to the point of not sleeping in the same bed. He has to realize how much you ENJOY it when he's CLEAN and FRESH! Encourage him to take sensual baths with you. Make brushing and all sorts of hygiene habits a part of daily life, and if he resists, you have to move out (yeah, drastic, but if you've let this go on for over a year, you need to take drastic measures to reverse these bad habits you've been enabling. This should have been resolved by you guys much earlier).

    As a last resort, you could try becoming even more disgusting than he is, like not shower or leave the house for two weeks - maybe he has limits and will finally realize what your issue is with him once you give him a taste of his own medicine.

    What's much more likely, however, is that you'll realize that you are largely incompatible. This is a major factor in a relationship - it affects all physical aspects between you, and sometimes it makes living together unbearable. It's embarrassing around other people, too, I'm sure. You have to be willing and ready to walk away. Only then will your partner make lasting, beneficial changes, and only if he truly cares about you enough that he doesn't want to see you go. If you're not committed to walking, though, he'll continue walking all over you with those fungus-encrusted feet of his. Sick.

    If he doesn't care, and you walk for good, then things work themselves out naturally.

    Good luck.

  • 2 things come to mind,

    # depression with a subtle fear of water is something i've encountered before

    the second thing is that dirt (not the same as having a dirty butt or smelly balls) is becoming known to be an anti depressant

    i wonder if playing more outside, i the mud, like the way kids do, in a manner that is more unstructured free play might fulfill something that he would then by virtue of not being depressed

    the being too tried to wash is a dead giveaway if depression.

    if i may be a bit new-agey about this, if his sexual energy off that tells be that his energy flow is not so good below his diaphragm. A yoga teacher once told me that sexual energy is not just sex, but also care of the self; hygiene would definitely be in that category.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Wow... I lived the EXACT same thing. The same habits, same hygiene problems, the same lack of wanting sex, the same discussions on "i dont wanna take a shower cos i'm tired"... we were out for a year and it was discreet. As the months passed it got worse. At 2years i broke up with him JUST FOR THAT. literally. He cried, sobbed, screamed at me, said he didn't deserve it etc. The man was the best person I could have met. I was so dissapointed to have ti break up with him because of a hygiene problem he didn't seem to want to change.
    And now i find myself in the situation where we're broken up 2 months, and he's calling me saying he's changed etc
    I want to believe him... i loved him so much and left him crying. But i think that it's a habit he'd get back into once he's too comfortable... i think...
    What i think too is that there's a real psychological problem behind this. I mean, to be lazy at this point, is no excuse. It's pathological. I should have had the patience to bring him to a therapist. Unfortunately it's hard to live with.
    It's been 3years and a half for you. If the hygiene is the only problem, make him see someone. Couple's therapy or something. Or one day you'll wake up so fed up you won't have the strength to give him a second chance.
    Nagging doesn't help. I've tried. I tried everything too except bring in a third party. My biggest regret because i lost a man I love. He asked for it, he deserved me leaving him. But I feel there was a way out of it, it's my regret. Give the therapy a try :)

  • Do you have sex with him?

    I don't see how you can.

    This is overboard and to another level.

    To answer your question,

    You cannot change someone that has no desire to change.

    You can express your feelings but your words will have little to no effect on that person because

    they aren't ready to be different.

    You need to ask yourself,

    "Can you deal with this any longer?"

    If you can then keep tolerating it until

    he is ready to improve.

    If you cannot then you need to either end your relationship or give him an ultimatum.

  • I would have left a long time ago. He sounds completely disgusting. Bad hygiene, especially bad breath and teeth, is one of the biggest turn offs for me when looking for a relationship. I'm very doubtful you would be able to change his habits without him becoming completely annoyed with you. In my experience, guys will change for a little while... but they always go back to their original state. Perhaps it is time to really think about your relationship with him and if his habits are worth dealing with for many years to come.

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What Girls & Guys Said

10 7

  • I have a question for you. Why are you with this guy?

  • Ummm, my I showed this to my mom and she just said "ewwwwww" and said he's just nasty

    That's gross

    If its not a deal breaker, fine. But I would break up with him. Who wants to touch another person that smells that booty?

  • Bad hygiene is a deal breaker for me. Ew. Having smelly feet I can deal with but not refusing to shower or brush your teeth...what a way to kill a lady boner.

    It sounds like you've had this conversation with him before and you've reached dead ends good luck with getting through to him but it doesn't sound like it's going to change him and he obviously doesn't have respect for himself if he doesn't care to bathe.

    • haha "lady boner"

  • When he's sleeping, attack him with handcuffs and handcuff him to the bed. Then tell him how scrubbing him down with some body wash and and water will get you all hot and bothered. It'll help if you make some naughty facial expressions to this mission. Then scrub him down, but of course you may have to include giving him some oral or something.

  • Your options:

    1: Keep living with it.

    2: Leave him

    3: Do it for/with him...

  • Sexy showers with him. Nothing will get a guy not the shower quicker than his girlfriends mouth. Sounds crude. I know

    But honestly,too tired to shower? I think most people shower when they Are tired, whether I be after work, or A long day. It's relaxing.

    If he can't wash himself near average, he isn't worth keeping

    • I can always shower no matter how tired I am, he says that he doesn't want the shower to wake him up when he's ready to sleep

    • His attitude towards hygiene demonstrates extreme laziness. We are all guilty of bet lazy sometimes but this is a whole new level of it. It will soon start impacting he rest of his life. He will even get lazy with you

  • Get him to a therapist

  • Say to him this: No sex until you wash you pee wee thoroughly and use toilet paper after doing your sh!t. And say to him that brown teeth aren't this season's color.

  • Ew, I could not handle that. I'm sorry, but that would be a deal breaker for me. If he's that gross, there's a problem. I like being with someone who takes care of themselves, takes pride in being clean, takes shower, fixes his hair, brushes his teeth, etc. I mean if you can deal with that, then all power to you. But if he doesn't change, than you have to accept that to be with him.

  • best advise is say him "good bye" because couldn't conitune like that way.. that's right?

  • I'm dealing with the same situation. I love this guy a lot and he's not good with his hygiene. Exactly the same, don't brush his teeth daily and they are staining and he's only 27. He usually at least skip a day to shower but he showers in the morning, so in bed, he's always dirty from work. He don't shower even when he worked out from the gym. I urged him to shower and he decided just to rinsk with water. I'm like, you're already in the shower all you have to do is to squeeze the bottle. I banned him from sleeping in bed and he chose that over taking a second shower with soap. I couldn't sleep all night thinking about his care for hygiene and his reaction to my concerns. But once again, but besides that he's been great and he puts me first in a lot of things. I understand how you feel

  • First question would be has been been this way for all 3.5 years?
    If so then he is a narcissist amd needs therapy but won’t go and will make you feel crazy for bringing it up and if you don’t stop he will get loud and then mean.

    If he has gradually become this way then he is depressed or adult ADHD or adult PTSD or Complex PTSD stemming from childhood trauma and needs therapy.

  • You don't have to jump trough hoops to make someone to Take a shower, brush their teeth, clean their ass if is not a toddler. That is a moms job and if his mom didn't teach him the least basic ways you have nothing to do with this guy. Therapy, sexy showers... forget about all the positive reinforcement he should be support not a burden

  • Be honest, SERIOUSLY. As a man, I'd rather somebody be straight out and blunt with me about my hygiene (If I smell id totally want someone to give me a heads up especially in public) as oppose to beating around the bush. You really need to lay down the lumber of how things should be and what you will and won't accept. If he can't LITERALLY understand your issue then it may be time to reconsider your concerns/ relationship. NOBODY LIKES BAD HYGIENE.

  • Disgusting. If he's not willing to clean himself up, don't waste anymore of your time with him.

  • Umm... why are you with him again? That's disgusting. You need to drop the hammer on him. He's freaking disgusting. You need to tell him straight up if he doesn't clean up you're gonna clean out and leave him. Don't feel like you're trapped because you've invested so much time together. I GUARANTEE there are better guys out there for you. Yuck.

    I kind of want to barf just reading about him.

    • It time you leave him he will never change yuck

  • He sounds like a slob. Has he always been this way?

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