Does my boyfriend have feelings for "ex" "friend" with benefits?

Question

So, I have this long term, serious boyfriend, who's long distance for a while, cause his money is short to visit me.He's in Europe for months now and he used to be a really sexually active guy, so I just gave him permission to have CASUAL sex. He says he doesn't want it. Even though he slept around through all of his relationships (even the 2 long term ones, one of them monogamous) he feels like its different this time(I made him change in many aspects, so I believe. Also, he has no reason for lying about this.)Through all of his relationships, even the monogamous 5 years long one, a certain "f*** buddy" was always a constant. That is, until we two became serious a year ago.He also happens to have business with her, and went meeting last night. I said I would understand if he slept with her, its simply a physical need and she's basically her concubine by now... He said no. No other woman but me.Some hours later  I got home and saw a message saying he'd go black for that night. I figured out he slept with her. Swallowed my pride to keep my word and said "Have fun you two. Use protection. Goodnight, I love you."Some more hours and he saw it. He said he hadn't slept with her, he had actually broken up, and she cried and... -wait, what? HOW DO YOU BREAK UP WITH A f*** BUDDY? - she's more than that, he said. She's the only constant thing in his life for the last 10 years. Do you love her, I asked. "i do, and always will.But as a friend" "she thought of you as more than that.." he said he "asked for a time" when we two got serious, but only now he really broke up. Ridiculously stupid me said "Tell her I'm sorry that I made her heart be broken... And that I love you very much and will make my best to make you happy..." "darling, it had nothing to do with you." "wait, with what then?!" and he went "why don't you just let it go... I love you... chose YOU. One year ago. You won." until I just gave up.I can accept sex, very hardly, but I do. But him having feelings for another, breaks my heart so hard! And he didn't even "break up" with her because of me, but for other reason... If this reason hadn't happened, would he just do as he did with the others? Wasn't I different?! The two had something more than sex, and he hid from me...makes me feel like... She's the girlfriend, and I am the mistress.Does he love her? More than he loves me? I love him so, so very much, you have no idea... Am I over worrying, should I let it go as he says? What does all that stuff EVEN MEAN, after all?!  don't want to, I CAN'T break up with him. I have never been this closely bounded to anyone. But I'm crying non stop for 6 hours now and I need some piece of advise... Even if its from strangers.

AmongTheApples · Accepted Answer

You're welcome, but you're still rationalizing, very poorly at that, and deluding yourself. "Plus, he has no reason to lie." That's a very weak rationalization. He has every reason to lie, and you've caught him several, or, at the very least, will admit that he's told you a number of non sequiturs, which is never good. People like him don't learn from their previous relationships. He lied about sleeping with her, so that you would think and say exactly what you expressed, "I don't see why he'd lie to me if he has permission." Now, I stopped being such a libertine because I learned empathy from a situation unrelated to women whom I dated or in whom I was interested.

I don’t think that you’re just an idiot. Sadly, I know exactly why you got yourself into this situation, and why you refuse to leave. I wish that I had more space in which to reply, but I’ll give a brief synopsis. The truth is that you have low self-esteem, which pervades your entire life. Instead of going for what you want, you go for that with which you are most comfortable. You may tell yourself that you want a great relationship; but deep inside you doubted that you deserve it; and the mere thought of one probably makes you anxious. The truth is that your low self-esteem hindered your ability to pick a good partner, concealing the obvious warning signs from you; and you stay because you refuse to admit it was a mistake and refuse to accept another failure.

What they call sunk costs (loss aversion) has set in. The more you persist and invest in the relationship, the harder it is to walk away because you believe all your efforts, emotions, and sacrifices would be wasted. Even worse, this has caused what self-esteem you had before to plummet, which has unexplainably tied you to him and made him a part of yourself to the point of feeling that this is the best, if not the only, good thing that you have going for you in your life, and you'll be damned if you'll lose it too. This has forced you to rationalize the inexplicable. In other words, you draw to you not those whom you want, but those who confirm in you who you think that you are and who treat you as you believe that you deserve to be treated. Thus, you need to ask yourself and consider not is this what I'm comfortable with or is this what I deserve, but is this truly what I want, do I truly desire this mess?

AmongTheApples · Accepted Answer

You know, while studying psychology, I realized that most people (including myself) generally cause most of, if not all of, our own problems—but this, well, could be a case study in self-defeating behavior.

"a certain f*** buddy was always a constant. That is, until we two became serious a year ago." Don't kid yourself. In my teens and early twenties, I was promiscuous. I finally did change, but it had nothing to do with any of the women that I dated. Anytime that a guy says anything that more less means "I was a cheater until I met you" he's lying.

"So I just gave him permission to have CASUAL sex." Why? That was asking for trouble. Even if he could (and I'll attest that men can), it doesn't mean that the women can. One or the other almost always develops feelings.

Also never tell a guy that you will accept his having sex with other women, and you should never accept it anyway. People often rise or fall to the expectations of others; so, if you don't expect much from the men that you date, you'll get little from them. The entire third paragraph is a lie. He slept with her and probably has been.

No, you weren't different. As I said, if a man actually changes, he'll change for some reason other than a woman whom he's dating. If it makes you feel any better, he doesn't love her either, and he's probably been doing to her what he's been doing to you, probably even telling her similar illogical statements that she somehow rationalizes.

Move on. Believe me, he's a piece of sh*t.

xHoneyxBeex · Accepted Answer

Okay, one question, WHY are you with a man who doesn't respect his own relationships? He seems like he has a lot of issues and it's only hurting you. You said you "can't" break up with him but think about it, do you deserve to be treated like this? No.

From what I've noticed, any time people give "permission" for their significant other to sleep with someone else, it never ends well. Sex and feelings are very closely related. It is extremely difficult for *most* people to have sex with someone repeatedly and not have some sort of feelings for them. Now, does that mean he loves her more than you? I don't know, I don't know exactly how he feels.

But what I do know is that it is extremely disrespectful for him to not have ended his relationship with her BEFORE you and him became monogamous. You said they had something for 10 years, that's not casual, that's serious. He should have ended that a long time before now if you have been with him for a year.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but he does not seem like he truly cares about you. Why would you allow a man like this to continue to be in your life? I think you need to re-evaluate this entire relationship. You deserve someone who will be 100% faithful mentally, emotionally AND physically, to you and only you. Just think about it.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

well I tihink he does have ffeelings for the girl. but to be ure I would spy on him and see if I can find something out.

yopyopyop · Answer

First of all, how old are you, how old is he ? You are talking about a 10 years long relationship with her, so I guess the guy is far older than you. First red flag.

Casual sex is with someone you meet at a pub/club for a one night stand. Anything beyond this isn't casual. If he's been seeing her for 10 years, it wasn't casual, even if on and off, at least for her. Second red flag.

Third red flag, he called her a "f*** buddy". This can happen with people in their early twenties, but he's lying. He's not THAT stupid to think she's just a f*** buddy.

Fourth red flag, he didn't break up with her because of you. He probably doesn't love her much anymore, since he broke up with her.

Fifth red flag, you've been together for one year and told him he could have casual sex. You just realized he didn't wait for your approval.

Sixth red flag, what he did to her, he will probably do it to you, sooner or later.

Well that's quite a few red flags. In my opinion, he uses the word "love" without having a clue about its meaning.

It's up to you, but I think you're being played, and that you should move on and find someone you can trust. As this guy is clearly the opposite of a trustable person.

Bob5555 · Answer

So many things wrong in this story. yopyopyop listed most of them. I can already tell that you don't have the strength to end this so all I can say is, you're in for a lot of heartache and don't even begin to make yourself believe there's actually some kind of hope for this although I'm sure you will anyway.

Does my boyfriend have feelings for "ex" "friend" with benefits?

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