I hate that my boyfriend goes to Tilted Kilt

[Anonymous]

He invited me to go with... this time. Sorry I don't like women being objectified and I thought we agreed on this topic. Many times he's said he wouldn't want a female family member being in that type of industry (scantily clad waitress, stripper, nude model, p*rn, etc.) He says the few times he went to see strippers when he was young the were all ugly, smelly drug addicts. Anyway he really looks down on these women and then I find out he goes to Tilted Kilt almost weekly with friends to watch the fights. He went to a strip club on his last birthday. I generally don't get involved with men with his views but he kind of lied about this. Now that I'm emotionally invested I'm not sure what to do. We are not in love it's only been 4 months. I know I'm not secure enough in myself to deal with this. I know I'm attractive. I get asked out by guys, I have a little weight on my belly, I have large beautiful breasts, I generally feel hot. He always says he loves the way I look and that he can't get enough of talking to me. So why why why must he go to places like this? It's degrading, the women throw themselves at the men (I've been there I know), bend over to show of their junk, flirt, etc. If I had another guy behaving that way towards me he'd be jealous. Why am I expected to just deal with it. I have gone with him once before where I looked hot but it still bothers me.

[jeremy20]

Unlike most men, I agree with the assessment that it's degrading. For men who say it's not, I simply ask, would you be comfortable with your daughter being in that industry?

I have never been to a strip club or any place like it, and have no intention of going. I am perfectly happy with my girlfriend and I'm good with her body and don't need anyone else's to drool over. That being said, the world is what it is and I don't judge other men for going to these establishments.

I have friends who are married, that go to places like this. Their wives know about it and are fine with it. Honesty is what makes a relationship successful, and since they're honest this hasn't been a problem in their marriages.

Your relationship and their marriages are significantly different however. First, you, as the girlfriend, are not okay with it. Second, you mentioned he's lied about it. Lastly, he's being hypocritical. He looks down on these women, yet he's a frequent visitor.

It seems that regardless, you're not okay with his behavior, so the two of you need to communicate about the problem until you better understand why he does this or until he stops going to these places. Either way, it seems you're focused more on this than your happiness.

Communication and honesty is key. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It is only degrading if someone is being forced to do something they don't want to do. They are performers, and nothing more, nothing less. It is unlikely he actually looks down at these women, more likely he is just telling you what you want to hear to avoid an argument. Guys do that all the time.

This has nothing to do with the objectification of women, it has to do with your insecurities. You talk about being hot and attractive yourself, and complain at the same time that you don't like women being objectified. Do you have any idea how hypocritical that is? You need to address the real reason you don't like him going. It sounds more like you are jealous. You even admit he would be jealous if the tables were turned.

I am not going to say that you need to get over your insecurities because it isn't always that easy, but you need to address what is really upsetting you. It isn't the objectification of women, it is jealousy. Tell him it really bothers you. Maybe some agreement can be reached where he would only go on an important event, like his best friends birthday or something. If it becomes a once or twice a year thing maybe that is something you can live with. Or maybe you can convince him not to go at all. If that doesn't work dump him and find a more compatible partner.

[Asker]

I know it's my insecurity. If I'm this hot why isn't it enough? Why does he have to go look at other women? I asked him to go to a male strip joint with me because he wanted to by me a female lap dance and he wouldn't even discuss it. He said absolutely not. I repeat why am I expected to behave a certain way and men get to be hypocrites?

[Opinion Owner]

If he doesn't want to go to a male strip club that is fine. That is his choice. If you don't want to go to a female strip club or get a lap dance from a girl then that is fine as well. That is your choice. You are not expected to act a certain why while men act another way. You are expected to speak your mind and stand up for yourself when someone asks you to do something you are uncomfortable with. Sounds like you are letting him mess with your head. That can effect your self esteem even more.

[Asker]

I feel hot. I just want a guy to want me more than other women. Why do all men want other women if they are happy in their relationships? Would you get a lap dance from another guy if your girlfriend got one from another woman? Be honest. I want to understand why women are expected to behave certain ways but not men. No I don't want a female lap dance it'd be embarrassing and gross. I'd do it if he would do the same for me though. It's about equality to me.

[Opinion Owner]

Would I? No I wouldn't. I also wouldn't ask my girl to get a lap dance from a girl. I love looking at beautiful women, even if I am happy in a relationship, but that doesn't mean I want other women.The fact is women like dominate men.The problem is that dominate people tend to walk all over their partners.This is why women let themselves be placed in this kind of situation more often than men.It has nothing to do with double standard, women just go after the type of guys that do this.

[Asker]

Well I like me and equal and not dominated. I've been perfectly happy being single for 3 years. This guy convinced me after months to give him a few dates, to take a chance. I clearly told him I don't do relationships. I like to be in control of my life and not depend on anyone else. I guess I'm just really hurt now that after I have feelings for him this other side of him is coming out that he basically lied about. Like he also plays baseball for a strip club.

[Asker]

"me and' should've been 'being an' not sure what's up with autocorrect. He knew when we met how I felt about these things. Did he expect me to change? I'm just pissed. I wish I could just not care it would be easier to accept it but I can't. I'm a woman I get jealous if my boyfriend is getting turned on by another woman. If I found out another woman was rubbing on him at work it would be cheating. I don't see why it's different because cash is exchanged. Sorry I'm having a hard time with this.

[Opinion Owner]

You don't have to be okay with your partner going to a place like that. You don't have to change, for him, anymore than he has to change for you. That is why communication and compromise is so important in a relationship. My general rule is that I don't do anything I wouldn't be okay with my girlfriend doing. I wouldn't care if my girl went to a strip club with her girlfriends a couple of times a year, but honestly going all the time would bother me. She would need to be willing to compromise.

[Opinion Owner]

It sounds like one, or both of you aren't willing to compromise on this issue. If that is the case then you either need to learn to live with it, or you need to find a more compatible man. Have you tried compromising and seeing if he is willing to go less often? That might be a compromise that you could both live with.

[Asker]

I haven't even talked to him about any of this. I got on here to vent because I know I'm going crazy.

[lilcress]

If he's going to go to a strip club or etc then you should be able to go to one that has male strippers/dancers/ waiters. Otherwise if he doesn't agree with you going then that's not right. I personally was taught that if you love someone they should be more then enough. You aren't insecure, you just have respect for yourself. It's him that is insecure if he thinks only he can go look at women.

[trouty42]

So you're threatened by some waitress at a casual dining restaurant? Wow. Yeah, I'm sure those girls are so desperate for attention that YOUR boyfriend is the one they'll chase after right? Unbelievable. Newsflash, if your boyfriend wants to cheat on you, and I seriously doubt he does, then nothing is going to stop that from happening. Even if he never steps foot in another tilted kilt or strip club again.

[Asker]

Did I say anywhere in my text I was afraid he'd cheat, no because it isn't about that? I know he's faithful. The point is if I had a guy behave to me the way women behave in these places he'd be mad. I fact I don't know any boyfriend that would be OK with his girlfriend getting that kind of attention.

[trouty42]

BS this is all about you being insecure. What attention? Them asking him if he's ready for another drink? What food is he going to order? Omg how does he resist this unbearable attention?

[Asker]

I believe I said I was insecure to the above response. I know I'm insecure which is why I thought I found a guy where I didn't have to deal with this shit. And I've been there with him and his friends. They lean over as much as the can to show of their cleavage and ass. Watching my boyfriend stare at another woman while I'm there isn't really a turn on to me. Watching men drool over women like they are nothing but sex toys is degrading.

[myspacemybroke]

How is it degrading? I frequent a strip club, and 99% of the women there have a blast. They're in total control of the situation. If anything it's degrading for the men. We sit on the sidelines with wallets in hand, while all they have to do is strut their stuff and move around a bit on stage.

[Asker]

It desensitizes sexuality. Women being objectified is degrading what do I need to explain there. I find the it wrong in advertising to have scantily clad woman eating a cheeseburger. I find that most women that do these things have no self esteem, hence they do these things. They are so starved for attention they will do anything when really they need to get help. A lot of these women, girls in some cases, have run away from home, are taken advantage of, molested, raped, etc.

[Asker]

Selling themselves is the only thing they know. They are not in control of the situation. I don't see how it's degrading to men at all when they choose to throw their money away at, most likely, mentally unstable abused women. If anything these men should step up and help these women. A group of drunk, horny men hooting at a girl taking her clothes off on stage for money is chauvinistic and degrading to women.

[myspacemybroke]

Yep, opinions are just dandy

[Asker]

Love how you have no response to that. So many women abused and used for their bodies in this country. But don't stand up for them just keep looking at them like they're meat. It's the same thing as people who eat meat refusing to go to a slaughterhouse to see what really goes on there.

[myspacemybroke]

I have plenty of responses to that. I just know you're going to a raving dyke about it, and won't have your view changed even if provided with a valid argument, so why waste my Christmas eve? Any stripper I've come across makes a killing, enjoys their job, and has complete control over where and when they work. One was even putting herself through college. I've also worked in the meat industry, and am aware of the conditions. However I also still eat meat, so what the hell.

[Asker]

And because I have a feminist view I'm a dyke. Nice I really see that you understand women. Meat industry and slaughterhouse are very different things. I've never interviewed someone from a slaughterhouse that could still eat meat.

[myspacemybroke]

I've no desire to understand your point of view, just the same as you've no desire to understand mine. Would it not be a matter of inequality if every woman that wants to become a stripper is told "no, you're not allowed to because some people don't like it." Well fancy that. Strip clubs and slaughterhouses and very different things.

[bDizzie]

Tilted Kilt is not like Hooters or the strip club. Besides, the servers only act like they are interested in the guys when they are only interested in their wallets. It sounds like your guy just goes there to watch the fights. What's he going to do, tell his friends he can't go because his girlfriend doesn't like Tilted Kilt? He would be made fun of forever!

There's no scantily clan men next to the scantily clan women because near naked men does not bring in any business.

[TylerDurden9087]

What are you, living in 1950? I'm sorry but you come off as snobby, jealous, and having a serious lack of self confidence. You need to get over it. If he says he's into you, he's into you. But also understand that just because he's into you doesn't mean he will never find another woman attractive. As long as he isn't cheating on you or flirting with these women then what's the problem. I think the issue is with you, not him. Just my opinion.

[Liana101]

Whatever you say. You men are all the same. It's all about what you see on the outside. Never about what's on the inside. Its disgusting too me..

[nate60516]

Sounds like you're insecure and need to address that. As for women being objectified, you need to get over that as well. Guys don't like prudes. Women like being objectified. If you don't, keep it to yourself.

[Asker]

Seriously I want answers to the many points I've brought up. Don't just call me insecure which I've already admitted to. And telling people to be silent about their opinions, especially a woman, isn't really a convincing point of view.