Never wear shorts
Dad thinks that will attract unnecessary attention of random men in public. Apparently... it would be my fault if I were to get raped for wearing "sexy" clothes, not excluding bikinis and singlets etc. (Err hello grown ass boy, this isn't Saudi Arabia) Worse still, I should never wear shorts at home as well. Even if it means the weather is tremendously hot and humid. Even if it means the only men at home are my father and brother. Oh wait.. something's not adding up.
Are they gonna get a boner or something? Gosh, cut out the crap.
Learn to cook
Time and time again, Dad tells me that I'm useless as a woman for not having learnt how to cook the complicated dishes. According to him, all women should COOK, COOK, COOK. I'm expected to cook shit while my brother - um, the sweet precious darling privileged prince - gets the golden treatment and never gets the occasional nag (hell, he doesn't even know how to cook noodles). At least thank God that fucker knows how to fry or boil eggs.
Oh and trust me when I say this, I've literally never ever seen my tyrannical dad cook. Oh my.
Ps: Let's just pretend Kermit in the image above's my dad, alrighty?
Whore for staying out late
Poor mommy went out for a farewell party celebration one time with her girlfriends. She rarely comes home late at night. That was the only time she did and she definitely had a legitimate reason for doing so. It wasn't like she was out clubbing or sketchy shit like that.
Yet, as soon as she came home... guess fucking what?
All hell broke loose.
YOU WOMEN SHOULD NEVER THINK OF STAYING OUT LATE!
I will slap you
If my mom speaks up for herself, Dad takes it as though she's trying to "dominate" him. He hates it and so threatens to slap her and hit her hard all over her body like other men in my community do to their wives. Yes, I live in a fucked up community. He likes being the boss and apparently he's always right as a man. Great!
If I speak up for myself when I feel like I'm being unfairly treated by him, I get the prestigious recognition... of well, being yelled at maliciously. Ouch, my poor baby ego.
Even for tiny matters. Today for instance, my lovely Dad threatened to slap me repeatedly in front of a stranger for literally just about nothing. Well what else can I say? It felt fucking amazing as the stranger was able to watch a dramatic, award winning performance of me weeping away before his eyes. I could win an Oscar's, damn.
This controlling bozo can talk to a bunch of girls on Facebook while he orders my mom to delete an old male classmate of hers. God knows how many girls he has flat out flirted with in real life, right before my eyes and mom's. Ah, the horror. The cringe. The "BRUH WHO TF ARE YOU? You ain't my dad no fucking more".
Waitresses, security guards, random girls at the airport, you name it. This dude never fails to amaze me.
If you meet my dad, he will probably seem like the nicest guy ever. Heck, you'd envy me. He's cheerful, sociable and dare I say, SWEET.
But don't be fooled, buddy. He's putting up a facade. If you want to sign up to be in my shoes for a day, go ahead. I can just guarantee you that you'll be stepping out of my house at the end of the day, heaving a huge sigh of relief and praying that you never come back again. For the life of me, this dude's bonkers.
Anyway, regarding the backstabbing part, he attacks many of my mom's friends behind the scenes.
Did you see Katy drinking so much at the party last night? She's a slut. Her husband was there yet how dare she disrespect him? As a woman, she's not in the right to drink glasses of wine!
Ahem, while this asshole drinks so many bottles and cans of beer. Hypocrite. Or should I say... SEXIST.