How to make a separation work?

the husband and I are having issues again. We also have nothing in common anymore and he doesn't seem to want to try. He hasn't offered to take me on date night, and the only time we ever did go on date night, *i* was the one who planned it all. I'm exhausted I have to plan play dates with the kids, clean up the house, take care of them, make dinner, make my husband's lunch to take to work, and much more, when it comes down to planning a romantic night out, I'm so tired my brain is MUSH. ANYWAY, uh our love making has gotten horribly boring, we ran out of kinky things to do and say and frankly, I can go without it. Yesterday we got into a huge fight our first serious one in months, and he wouldn't work things out he was more like "here we go again F YOU Go to your room" and he took things the completely wrong way! We were fighting because we never talk he usually just plops in front of the tv and if I'M LUCKY we can have a conversation about the tv show (after the kids go to bed). So he slept on the couch and today he was going to find a place to stay and we're doing a separation. I want so badly for our marriage to work and us to be happy again, I think this is our last straw.

So what can I do to make this separation work and not be so PAINFUL?

What am I doing wrong as a wife?

Doesn't it sound like he's unhappy?


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • I am sorry I won't be able to provide very specific information because I don't exactly know your situation, and even if I did, I am not sure what the best thing to do is.

    In order for a relationship to work, BOTH people have to be committed to making it work. From your description it sounds like he is not committed to making it work at the current time. Counseling is a good idea, but again, it only works if both people are committed to making it work.

    Are there any other elements of your marriage or the behavior of one or both of you that are out of line? Does your husband have a porn problem or is he involved in any online relationships or other extra-marital relationships? These are the kinds of things that can make a man very distant from his wife. A few years ago I got involved with some internet porn. My marriage, which had always been great, sort of deteriorated over the course of several months, perhaps a year. I never told my wife, and she didn't know, but she knew something just wasn't right. Eventually I told her. She was very, very depressed for several days. Since then I have worked diligently to stay away from the porn because it makes me darker inside and it creates tacit barriers and tensions in my marriage and in my house--even if I am the only one who knows. The last few years since have been very wonderful, thanks be to God.

    Some how you have to find a way to communicate without accusations and criticisms. I don't know the best way to go about that. Many women, and some men as well, have a tendency to nag or constantly be critical or bring up negative things and deficiencies, and eventually their spouses tune them out.

    Regarding kinky stuff in the bedroom, that is your business, but great sex in a long term relationship is not dependent on creativity and kinkiness--it is dependent on a great relationship. A great relationship makes for better sex, but better sex does not necessarily make for a better relationship. I have never actually found kink to make things any better in my own personal sexual relationship, but a concern for the happiness of my wife sure does.

    My best advice is to regularly get down on your knees and seek the help of a loving Heavenly Father who knows what is wrong and how to help. I would also approach your husband and tell him that you love him and want to make things work. Ask him if he is willing and what he thinks you both need to do. Avoid any blame, even if he starts up with criticisms and the like, try to avoid making the conversation a confrontation or an argument. Just tell him you are willing to work on what you can if he is willing to work on what he can, you're just asking that he be willing to try and make it work. You might ask him if there is anything that is keeping you two apart, or if there is anything wrong with him if you think the timing is appropriate. If he is willing to make it work, then counseling can work.

    • Aww thank you for your response. I am a Christian, unfortunately I haven't turned my issue to Christ like I should, thank you for helping me realize that! No he doesn't have a porn secret he doesn't watch it, I know that for a fact.. I don't usually play the blame game I usually ask for help ask what I did wrong for him to be upset, I am usually very careful with nagging and accusations.. I almost WISH it was a porn thing so at least I'd know what's going on.

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    • Marriage isn't ever 50/50. It has to be 100/100, but very frequently is unbalanced. Do you expect a date night every week? What do you expect from a date night? What about a night in? Or a quick trip to Taco Bell? Keep it simple and the planning to a minimum. I wish I could be of better help. Sorry =(

    • Thanks for your ideas, sadly we've tried everything. but its alright, things will get better for us in the future, God hates divorce, so I know we will try harder because of that, and for our children. I was just curious how to make this seperation less painful.. thank you for your time and thoughts :-)

What Girls Said 1

  • It sounds as though a marriage counselor could really help at this moment. Perhaps he's under a lot of stress and just doesn't know how to handle it? I would highly recommend a counselor to help you communicate better.

    • Thank you for taking your time to respond to my question, but we tried counseling from our pastor, we were given these workbooks to do everyday, I would do mine from the day I was assigned and then do read the next one because I was so excitted my husband however, never even filled out his name in his workbook..And ultimately the counseling didn't work.

    • Perhaps it was the method. No offence but workbooks seem a little tedious to me. I would do it if my fiance felt we needed to but really mediating sessions are better. I don't think this is something that will easily be worked out on it's own. Perhaps find an unbiased counselor to help you.

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