Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Before I begin, let me remind everyone that this is specifically myTake, it's mine. I cannot speak for every single person. I cannot. I cannot say how well this applies to other demographics, like men for instance, because I do not live my life as a male. I have, however, spoken to other fellow victims/survivors. I will keep everything confidential and try to keep identifying details out as much as possible. These people do come from different walks of life. From cousins, daughters, sons, students, employees, etc.
This list is, obviously, not exhaustive nor complete. There are other things (if you have been through sexual abuse, feel free to comment what you do not like reading/hearing). Also, this list is in no particular order of importance.
I am anonymous now, but might change it. Many of you have probably heard these stories or recognize my writing style, my lingo, and will be able to identify me from the get go.
These are common things I read here on GaG, all over the internet, and even in everday life. I will admit, they used to infuriate me yet leave me disheartened and depressed me. But it is not completely people's faults because not much is spoken about with victims of sexual assault/violence. This isn't a cry for help, we're not looking for sympathy 24/7, we just want people to understand a few things. I know it's hard to understand when we try our best to not speak of it, only to very trusted friends and family or our therapists, or even for many, to ourselves. So I want to speak about the elephant in the (chat)room. What exactly do we get frustrated to read/hear?
1. "if s/he dresses a certain way, she was asking for it. What did s/he expect?"
Yes, I'm starting with the classic. I know it will cause a shitsorm in the comments because many of you are adamant to repeat this.
This mostly applies to female victims. Especially females ages 12 (if she's physically developed)- 50s. What was she thinking wearing that bikini to the beach? What was she expecting? I'll answer that. Maybe sand to get everywhere. Perhaps a nice tan, at worst, some unsightly tan lines. Not to be groped, not to wake up with a stranger's fingers inside her, not to be raped.
I cannot even count how many people believe that clothing is an excuse for sexual assault.
I actually had a talk with someone who believed this to be true. I then asked "Well, what of the women in the middle east who are covered head to toe in burkas?"
"Aw but that's different because they don't even respect women."
"Ok, what about the little boys who were molested by priests? Should they have expected it because of their clothing?"
"That's different because they were sick fucks."
"What about elder abuse? There are people who have raped the elderly."
"Again, that's different because they are just crazy sickos."
"How is it different? So you really think that those who rape 'attractive women' are not sick fucks too? Do you not see a pattern here? No, the pattern isn't the victims' clothing. Not their mannerisms if they were 'flirting too much', it's obviously not their age nor gender. The pattern is in the perpetrators. They all do not respect people and think it's ok for whatever reason. They are the ones who's actions should be controlled. Not the victims."
I know many of you will disagree with this picture, but it is true. Not any of these women are asking for it. Not a single one.
2. "Why did s/he wait so long to report it? I don't believe it's real, they're just looking for money."
This one is very difficult for those who've not experienced it to understand. Sexual Assault is not always stranger danger. Many times, it's done by those you once loved, trusted, respected, even looked up to. Also, many times, they threaten to hurt you. They threaten to kill you or your family, and you are left feeling even more helpless because you see they are capable of doing this act, they surely would take it further.
Especially with celebrities or rich people, the victims are afraid that they will have good enough lawyers to just sweep it under the rug. See the Dupont heir case.
It is not always easy to just speak up. There are many factors that keeps victims scared, especially minors, because we do not know what that person will do next. With known pedophiles and rapists getting slap on the wrist, lax sentencing, it is disheartening and frankly discouraging because we know they will be out faster (if they even serve time) than we can heal and regain our sanity and strength. This is why I don't think there should be a statute of limitations for cases of sexual assault.
3. "Damn, that teacher was so hot. Why did he report it? He should be grateful. Any guy who says they wouldn't have sex with her are either lying or fags."
This is such a common and infuriating thing to read. I cannot count how many supposedly grown men posts these comments when a "hot" teacher rapes a teen boy.
Then these are the exact same who will go on and on about how "no one takes male rape seriously!" Hmmm. I wonder why not you fucking hypocrite?
Men have a really hard time reporting their sexual abuse for fear of being seen as weak or gay. So comments like "that fag kid should be grateful" are what helps keep men silent about their abuse. Especially teens and young boys because their reputation affects them more.
And when other guys do speak out against it, "you must be a homo too." Like really? Heavens forbid that a man has self control and not want to be raped by any desperate pedophile, no matter how hot she is, without his sexuality being questioned.
I personally know a man was raped by a woman as a boy. Unfortunately, he was extremely suicidal. He confessed to me that he had told his uncles and they congratulated him and when he said he did not enjoy it, they called him gay, fag, and even hit him. "No brother of mine is raising a fucking sissy boy. You are a real man now, enjoy it." Ugh, this is another reason I do not like machista attitudes.
4. "It happened how long ago? Seriously, you need to get over it. Not every person is going to hurt you."
This is a complicated one because it is very hard to regain trust in people. It is even harder if the abuse happened to you as a child, especially by a relative or someone you once loved/trusted. Is it healthy to not trust people? No of course not. It leads to paranoia and isolation. But do not expect them to give strangers high fives. It is hard to regain trust, it's one of the hardest things to mend once broken. And it is insensitive for others to say "oh get over it already." Yes, people do say this a lot more than they should to victims.
5. "Why is s/he cutting herself? S/he wants to inflict more pain than s/he's been through?"
Personally, I have never cut myself. My dad did enough that lol Sorry, I had to throw in a joke to lighten the mood a bit. No, but he seriously did used to beat me enough to not want to inflict pain on myself.
Other victims, sometimes do. And it all stems down to self hate. Though I did not cut or go through anorexia or bulimia, drug addiction, or other typical methods of pain numbing, I was suicidal. For a very long time. This was back when I was religious, I used to pray every night that I just would not wake up. I would be afraid of the dark not because of monsters like your typical child but because of people, I would cry knowing that I would wake up with my underwear off and someone towering over me in my sleep. Touching me, causing me nightmares for so long that weren't actually nightmares.
I am not suicidal anymore. I have not been for years. But I do still not fully love myself. It is a battle everyday. Not only do you hate people, but you learn to hate yourself. I remember reading in biology books how our body has all these mechanisms to protect us. The body is a wonderful machine that knows how to fend off unwanted threats. Then I remember thinking why the fuck did it not defend me? How could this fleshy meat bag just shut down as this happened to me? How could my brain freeze when my fight or flight response should have kicked in? Where was my burst of adrenaline? Did my body fail me or did I fail it?
I hated myself everyday. I hated how much of a coward I was. I looked for any imperfections I had and just kept adding them up and my self hate grew so much, I even wanted surgery so badly to fix myself. I wanted to be someone else so badly to forget who I was, what had happened to me years ago. I don't hate my small boobs like many would believe. I just hated my body that I was lookig for any scapegoat, anything even surgery to change it.
This is a reason why I think the prison sentences we have now are bullshit. Bullshit. Because "20 minutes of action" or whatever amount lead to so much pain. I have been through therapy and Im still not fully over it. It's been years, over a decade and I still don't have my full sanity back. So while these pedophiles and rapists get 1 month, 6 months, 3 years, even 10 years I don't think it's enough. Many of us struggle daily for so many years. It's not always on our conscious minds, but it is lingering there like a dark cloud just waiting to pour on us when we least expect it.
6. "She slept with 20 boys in the bathroom? What a disgusting whore."
I am in no way shape or form saying that ALL promiscuous people are victims of sexual abuse. I am not saying victims should be promiscuous or whatever. But many who were, do become promiscuous.
With that case of that girl who had sex with all those boys in the bathroom, I was extremely disappointed and disgusted by the comments from ADULTS. Calling her a slut, whore, skank, dirty, every name in the book. But did they know what happened to her prior? She was a victim of forced prostitution since age 13. Her body was used for the pleasure of grown men daily for more than a year. I'm not saying that the boys in the bathroom raped her. But this poor young girl was taught that her body did not belong to her. She was taught that when her legs were open and a person wanted in, she was to oblige. She was taught that "no" was not on option to her anymore because her body did not belong to her anymore.
I have had friends who were not forced into prostitution but raped or molested as children. They grew up to be promiscuous. Is this merely a coincidence? Probably, probably not.
As I have stated, it is very hard to unlearn some things, especially when you were taught them from such a young age.
Not every victim goes through promiscuity, however. Others, like myself, become super reserved. I did not even have my first kiss until I was an adult out of high school. Did not hold a boy's hand, did not even hug. I still do not like to be touched. I do not like pda. I am not a fan of physical contact. I once made a joke that I actually would prefer to be punched than hugged by a stranger. And it holds truth. I remember someone on here asking if we'd rather get beaten or raped, I would take a million beatings before a rape. I have been beaten before. And the blood dries up, bruises heal, bones even heal, scars and scabs are pretty cool tbh, and wounds close up. With rape or sexual assault? It's not that easy.
Regardless of our methods of coping with our bodies, we are learning. Some of us are learning that we can say no and choose who gets to touch us. Some of us, like myself, get overzealous with that and decide to not let anyone touch us ever and even require our significant other to ask for permission because it's a bit strange that they do that instead of just going ahead in your sleep or by force. Others, like the fact that we can say yes to whoever. And that leads to them just being happy being able to say yes and enjoying sexual encounters on their terms, with whatever partners they please.
Whether s/he learns to say yes to everybody or no to everybody is up to him/her. Your judgements only make it harder for him/her, so please keep them to a minimum.
7. "Woah, you are really angry hearing Turner's sentence."
Many of us actually get even angrier to read the injustices others have faced over our own. I spoke to a user here who was also a victim of pedophilia. And he was more bothered to hear the shit I've been through then his own. And I know I can relate to this. It is incredibly infuriating when I read these stories of rapists, pedophiles, etc just get away like nothing. It is so painful to read like the letter of the victim to their rapists, their suicide letters, etc. I cannot fully explain why, but it just bothers some of us more than recounting our own experiences.
8. "Anyone else has rape fantasies?"
You cannot want to be raped. You cannot, that simply goes agaisnt the definition of rape. You want rough sex maybe, you want to be dominated, but you cannot want rape. I know many of you think it is just easier to say it because writing "I have rough, dominated sex fantasies" is a bit longer, but it subconsciously imprints into the minds of people that there are people out there that *want* rape and that it's ok to do so. There is no such thing as "consenting rape", nobody asks for it, see #1.
9. "I was a victim and I still think s/he deserved to be raped."
This one is for you my fellow victims. I will admit that I have been one to say something like "that skirt was so short and she should not have drank that much and be surprised she got felt up."
Again, I know many of us are self hating. I know we are. I can see it even when we claim to have "moved on". But please, do not extend that self hate on to others. Don't make him/her feel as terrible as you do. I get it, misery loves company. And I personally am one to do this.
But we have to support each other. Sometimes other people just do not understand. But we do, we should know better. Remember all those condescending questions you received? Remember how your actions were scrutinized leading to the event, leaving you feeling like the guilty one, leaving you feeling like it was your fault? Remember how it led you to hate yourself even more? Please do not continue this horrible cycle that just ultimately makes it tougher for your fellow victims to overcome this.
10. "At least that pedophile is going to be raped in jail."
This one is a split one. Personally, I do not like to hear it. Because, as I said, nobody asks for rape and no one deserves it. Does that mean that I think s/he should get a pat on the back for hurting a child? No. Of course not, I know this sounds fucked up, but torture that fucker for all I care. But I still don't condone rape in any form. I know these are twisted ethics, but I did mention that I am not fully sane, probably.
This one is split and I know many victims who feel some form of "relief" that they will be put in the same shoes they put us through (I completely understand them as I used to feel this way too), I know others who are indifferent, and others who, like me, do not condone it to anynone (anymore).
11. "Men get raped too!"
I am not bothered that people are concerned about sexual assault against males. I am very glad when people are enthusiastic about it because it raises awareness. I am, however, bothered when alleged activists all of a sudden care when female rape and sexual abuse is being discussed.
I get it, there aren't many articles that discuss male rape, and I agree there should be more that do. Personally, I cannot as I'm not a man. Again, I can tell you experience based on what certain men have told me of their rapists or pedophiles. But it's a very limited perspective. I do encourage it because it's a very necessary discussion.
I do fully agree, support and applaud any genuine efforts to shed light on male rape and sexual abuse. I do not, however, support people interrupting one conversation of trauma with the intent to detract from it. By this I mean, people would have otherwise never mentioned nor cared about it until it's convenient in that it detracts from other conversations. Just like with the all of a sudden worried people about homelessness when speaking of immigration. Stop bringing them up when it's convenient to you. It makes it seem like you're not actually worried about them, just using their misery (that you otherwise would not think about) to silence others.
Unless the author states it or the article is open to it, it is not helpful to bring it up out of spite. I actually had a friend who one week posted about the "hot teacher" who raped a boy and then the next week had the audacity to post a pic about how male rape is not taken seriously. I was just like "wtf? oh hell no. Last week you captioned her photo and said 'these kids should learn to keep their mouths shut. She can rape me anyday.' Yet now you care for male rape? Gtfo with your non genuine concern."
I am open to comments on male rape and pedophilia, I am not a male so I would like to know more about it. Unfortunately I did not state much because I cannot speak as a male.
Again, this list is not exhaustive nor listed by importance. This doesn't even apply to all victims/survivors. But it should help some of you understand why it's so hard for us to speak up (this take was something I wanted to make for a while but a certain users comment helped ignite the gasoline), why many of us are self hating, how we cope, how we feel when we see other victims.
I want to thank y'all for reading this, I hope it was at least a bit helpful, I'm sorry it's so lengthy, please feel free to comment but please be respecfful.
Thank you and #SeeMyWork
Most Helpful Girl