Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
I think this is going to be the beginning of a series I will do on sexuality. It's an interesting subject to me, and I now feel I am accumulating enough information and content to write a series about it. I'm going to try and break it down into more manageable chunks, subject by subject. First up, some particular aspects of male sexuality. A favourite topic of mine. Or shall I call it a 'passion project.' 🌹 Ha.
First, some pretty pictures...
A common, hypothetical lament:
'It starts out great, all hot, but after a while, I lose all interest. I can’t even get it up for her. Why am I interested in solo sex, or sex with anonymous others, but not with my partner?'
(Fyi, this article is not about the man who feels rejected - as the above man has a willing partner who's wondering where he is and why he's not interested in sex with her. For brevity sake, I can't cover all scenarios, so I'm focusing on the man's missing desire here, not hers.)
Okay, take a deep breath here. I'm going to walk you through it.
Yes, men and women have differences (duh), but when it comes to desire, they are more similar than they are different. This article will focus on two aspects of male sexuality. Why? Well for one thing, much of male sexuality has been misrepresented for decades because university studies are almost wholly conducted on male adolescents and young adults which has significantly skewed the results, bringing us to all sorts of erroneous conclusions. And what we are now finding is that male sexuality is, in fact, considerably more nuanced and complex than it has previously been given credit for.
Sure, men are efficient compartmentalizers. Not so, women. Most women. (As my longtime gay male friend recently said to me, "You're the kind of woman who right after sleeping with a guy, says, "So, when am I going to see you again?" hahaha. He's right. I've always been that way.) Relationship or not, men are more likely to soothe and quell their sexual desires by turning to less emotionally complicated forms of sex - those being the solitary and often paid-for pleasures. While macho culture is shrinking, rarely does a day go by where we don't hear the stereotypical refrain 'all men want is sex.' Oh no, not on my watch, you don't!
If we take the unanalyzed behaviour at face value and label them with the old pejorative tags - men as dogs, cheaters, sex addicts, or desperate, lonely and love-starved, we not only unfairly end up piling all men into one unwarranted dogpile, we reinforce this distorted and archaic view of masculinity, while driving their true motivations and longings even deeper underground. And you know what happens with unmet, unresolved desires and needs. They get mighty cranky. And they rear their heads in unexpected, and often unproductive ways. 'That rug over there looks mighty lumpy.'
A Crisis of Identity: The Reductionist View of Male Sexuality
Many have bought into the oversold definition of male sexuality as being biologically driven, uncomplicated, ever ready, and always in search of novelty. The late psychoanalyst Ethel Person captures it perfectly: “This macho view depicts a large, powerful, untiring phallus attached to a very cool male, long on self-control, experienced, competent, and knowledgeable enough to make women crazy with desire.”
Perhaps it should not be surprising at all that in a world where men are receiving such conflicting messages about who they are and who they should be, so many of them prefer porn, paid sex, and anonymous hookups over intimacy. It’s also likely no accident that an increase in emotionally disengaged acts of infidelity has occurred in tandem with the rise of the emotionally engaged man. Sitting in a strip club, hiring a hooker, swiping right, or watching porn, guys take a break from the tightrope that is modern masculinity.
For many men, masculinity is equated with sexual performance, and this carries a whole set of expectations about love, men, and women that can be seemingly impossible to live up to. Meanwhile, his partner may have her own expectations. She wants him to be emotionally vulnerable, tender, communicative, and open about his feelings. This leaves him with a
host of competing ideologies about what it means to be a man.
New definitions of masculinity are fast emerging, and modern men are encouraged to embrace a whole new suite of emotional skills that were not traditionally part of their repertoire. At the same time, the old definitions die hard. Too many men are ensnared in outdated and self-defeating ideals of male sexual prowess, which sire shame and humiliation. Advice columnist
Irma Kurtz sums up this predicament: “Men are finding it ever more difficult to squeeze themselves and their erections into the shrinking manoeuvring space between being a wimp or being a rapist.” Oh, come now, Irma. That's too reductionist. Now you're just causing trouble, stirring up a hornet's nest. There are tons of men who fit comfortably in the middle of the bell curve, and they're doing just fine.
What we should be doing is praising progress and the more fluid, non-rigid gender roles, and appreciate the fact that all of us, both men and women, have so many more options now than ever before. And remember, women having more options, practically, romantically, and economically, means that they are choosing you not for the almost purely pragmatic reasons as were the norm in the past, but for something less about necessity and more genuine - simply put, love.
Some men may be going through a crisis of identity, but no one ever said change and growth was easy. I know plenty of men who are well-adjusted, competent, funny, progressive, intelligent, and... happy. They see no issue, no 'gender war', no unresolvable conflict, or dark looming sickle-wielding figure in our future. So I know these are isolated disturbances, not a mass societal failing. We can get through this, people.
Disassociation Theory
Is the theory that the level of dissasociation men bring to their sexual 'fixes' is a direct response to the often uncomfortable emotional pulls they feel in their key relationships.
In contrast to traditional, monogomous, committed and loving relationships, many will seek separate sexual experiences that are the exact opposite, the antithesis, where they do not have to confront the litany of anxieties, insecurities, and fears that can result in performance issues (note: in the Western world, the #1 sexual performance issue is cuming too fast, not impotency, etc.) Therefore, the degree of freedom and control one seeks in one's solo encounters is often proportional to the depth of their relational entanglements. Or said another way, the greater the emotional intimacy, the greater the sexual reticence. Or another... one's desire becomes alienated from a sense of love. Disavowed emotions stifle sexual desire. Or they make them turn elsewhere, to other sources, away from their most cherished relationship. Outside of that, desire can manifest freely without the fear of hurting a loved one.
Some may relate this to Freud's 'madonna-whore complex', but it should also be noted that it is not only about how the woman is perceived or the sexualizing of her, but also how the man identifies himself, and is able to sexualize himself. In essence, the good, nice guy is the one who loves, is sensitive, has healthy attachment to his partner, and is a responsible, dependable, moral man. The guy who is strong, powerful, in touch with his subversive side, and a sexually selfish, irresponsible womanizer, is the one who f***s... and enjoys it without guilt. This is the plight of the modern man. The solution is bridging the internal gap between the two, and becoming whole. It is then that he is able to express both sides, all aspects, and satisfy both his own carnal and deepest desires, and those of his partner.
Transactional Sex
Why do men often prefer hookups, hookers, strippers, sexting with strangers, online sex workers, erotic gaming, and porn? Why would a man rather go jack off to porn, or get himself a rub and tug at the massage parlour, than be with the wife/girlfriend/SO he loves, and once couldn’t keep his hands off of? What is the appeal? What does it say about him that he would pay for sex or seek it in what is often perceived to be a degraded, inferior form?
Well, the one word answer is 'it's simpler.' The obvious explanations are boredom and that he’s after new or different particular physical attributes - the whole 'fill in what's been missing in his life' idea. But this is not always the case. In fact, it's a common myth. The true draw of 'the other' is not her looks, but her attitude. She is sexually assertive (demanding, even), far from fragile, and above all else, she desires him (at least, it appears that way, with his cash in hand.)
Paid-for sex is the promise that, at least for the [sixty minutes] on the clock, she’ll take away the typical emotionally-heavy complexities that he is so often faced with. ('You don’t pay the hooker to come - you pay her to leave.') And the girl on the screen is irresistible because he never has to seduce her, and she never rejects him. Neither does she make him feel inadequate, and her moans assure him that she is fully satisfied, and he is the one accomplishing that.
Porn entices with a momentary promise to shield men from their basic sexual vulnerabilities. Much can be said about the differences between prostitutes, strip clubs, full body massages, and porn, but they do all yield common emotional dividends. They put men at the centre of the woman’s attention, relieved of any pressure to perform, and in a position where they can fully receive. (An interesting concept, and inconsistency, considering the current fixation on the male: female dom:sub roles, don't you think?)
Compared to the emotionally-charged differing desires and conflicts involved in committed relationships, the relatively simple equation of some cash for a fixed amount of time and a guaranteed pay-off, the latter can start to seem like the sometimes more appealing option. When he prefers to 'pay to play' or opts for a solo session, he buys simplicity and a seemingly uncomplicated identity. He purchases the right to be selfish -a brief hour of psychological freedom.
Even so, can we really call it “just sex” when the entire enterprise is set up to avoid certain emotional pitfalls and fulfill a host of unspoken emotional needs? When a man feels lonely or unloved, when he’s depressed, stressed, or disabled, when he’s caged by intimacy or unable to
connect, is it sex he buys, or is it kindness, warmth, friendship, escape, control, and validation all delivered in a sexual transaction?
Sexuality is the sanctioned language through which men can access a range of less socially acceptable, even forbidden, emotions. Tenderness, softness, vulnerability have not traditionally been encouraged for men (though there is a large, growing body of women for whom these traits are ideal and appreciated.) Until quite recently, the body is 'the' place where they have sought to satisfy these needs, disguised in a sexualized language. When we say about men that all they want is sex, well, maybe we shouldn’t. Sex is really just the entrancehall, the doorway, to a deeper portal.
Post scriptum (yes, that is being ironic): If you think it's too long, don't read it. It's your choice. If you're thinking about adding nothing to the discussion and simply saying, "too long, didn't read it' or 'too long, what did you say?" , just don't. It will be deleted. I believe in lifelong learning. Reading is a necessary part of learning and engaging with the world, and this is not Twitter. The internet is divided into people who read, and people who want to be told in the shortest number of words. I didn't write this question, a year ago shortly after joining, for no reason: The 'dumbening' of society... are you worried? Dunning-Krüger Effect:
A phenomenon observed in the 1930s by English philosopher Bertrand Russell whereby the worst performers tend to overestimate their performance, and top performers tend to underestimate. Or said another way, fools and fanatics are often so certain of themselves, while the wiser are full of doubts. Those are my people.
Some excerpts and concepts by the esteemed Esther Perel.
Most Helpful Girl