Sexual addiction can come in many forms. For me, it was like... a new year, a new addiction. And well, you know its bad when you set aside other activities. You know its bad when you dont care who you hurt. You know its bad when you dont care if you even hurt your damn self. You know its bad when you want to do risky things in risky places. You know its #ALowDownDirtyShame when you just like it straight raw... if you know what i mean...
I hate giving in to sexual temptation because its so hard to resist once the addiction has started. I guess fighting sexual tension for so long (by simply not thinking about it and doing nonsexual things to occupy myself) just makes it that much worse once finally giving into something sexual. It’s like... whats the healing factor ya know? Well, below are a few of the sexual addictions I’ve dealt with.
SOFT PORN ADDICTION
In late 2006, i had a softporn addiction after being introduced to the late night shows on HBO/Cinemax/Showtime. I’d stay up late nights on school nights, just watching the romantic scenes. Yes softporn films on those channels were quite romantic but dont show shit lol. I didn't know what “flicking the bean” was til like 3 years later when a friend taught me what touch. Anyways, I would accidentally buy PPV porn and then blame other family members in the house. I never got caught but finally told my mom the truth in 2020. Meanwhile, I forced myself to stop watching softporn after those 2 months of addiction.
PUBLIC SEX ADDICTION
In late 2009, I had a bit of an exhibitionist addiction. That year I was pressured into losing my virginity to my ex. After so many times of hating sex, I eventually learned to like it. Even worse, he kept making us do it in public places. We got caught by so many classmates, family, friends and enemies. Yet i’d deny deny deny. As a result, I got bullied at school because of it. But afterwhile, I started to like this new me... and so i started to own up to it. I wanted to get caught even more than before. I think part of it had to do with having to hear my mom get laid. It fcked me up in the head as I cried myself to sleep because i didn't want to hear her moans. I didn't want anyone touching my mom. I thought he was hurting her and when i tried to cockblock, she’d snap at me and put me out. So as a revenge plot, i wanted her to catch me having sex so she could understand how I felt. Instead, it was Her boyfriend who kept catching me around town. He’d tell my mom but she never believed him. Funny she believed me when i told him he bought the PPV softporn. But til this day, she has never caught me...
In late 2015, I grew addicted to masturbation. My first ex had always fingered me, but never teased my [SHUT THE FRONT DOOR] nor taught me to touch myself. So when i started watching hardcore porn, it helped me in terms of experimenting. Once i started to play with myself, I couldnt stop. I was addicted for I’d say 3 months straight. I couldnt stop no matter where i went. I was skipping meals, not sleeping, dodging family time. Even if i hung out with someone, i’d sit far away from them and throw something over my lap to cover me, then I’d go at it. I never even had to think about anything. I just enjoyed the feeling of being penetrated until it hurt. I don't know what came over me, but I was happy once i forced myself to stop. However, i then turned to nipple play and it was an addiction for about a good year. Now I've trained myself to have mentalgasms in which i orgasm just from seeing/hearing something really hot and dont even have to touch myself. Its much better than physical addiction and more easy to control.
In late 2016, i had a sexting addiction. No i didn't send nudes but i still made things worthwhile just using my words and a few seductive pics and gifs. It became about getting off to those who got off. Yet, After satisfying one, i couldnt just go on about my day. I had to go for another and another. I was just never satisfied. I forced myself to stop after i started to get caught up. It felt like cheating although it wasn't. But still, That “one crush” would feel hurt after realizing he wasn't the only. I just felt like an awful person and wanted to be better so I made myself stop.
HARDCORE PORN ADDICTION
In 2018, I had a hardcore porn addiction. No matter how good my ex gave it to me, i wanted to keep going and well, when he went to sleep, I’d sneak and watch porn. The one time i didn't was when I nearly killed us both by going at it from 10am that morning til 2am the next morning. I couldnt part my legs for a good 24 hours after and neither of us could hardly walk. I guess sometimes you just gotta tapout to not need porn after.
PHONE SEX ADDICTION
In 2019, I had a phone sex addiction. Saying those things were 10 times more powerful than texting them. At first, i was fine just making that one guy go nuts. When we ended, i was fine making another go crazy. It was good longterm stuff with people i thought i’d end up with forreal. But other problems started to overpower the sexual pleasure. So once i decided to just remain single that year, the sexual addiction came back. Once again, I just wanted to make as many bust a nut as possible. And i’d just never take a break. It was call Ted. Hangup. Call Ned. Hangup. Call Fred. Hangup. Call Ed. Hangup. No matter how much I came... #NeverSatisfied
I realized these addictions came about partially from not truly loving myself. Once i did, it became so much easier to resist temptation and sexual addiction. As of 2020 i was very proud of myself. I fought off all of these addictions and just stuck to being a minor tease. As of 2021, I nearly caved but thanks to rejection, I was knocked back into focus and will keep holding back until i feel i’ve met the right one. Sometimes you just gotta be turned down by a man of God to get it together. Lesson Learned: DO BETTER.
Now a lot of you will realize, when i turn down your PM’s, its for my own good. See, porn, sexting and phone sex are things that can mess with you mentally but i just wouldn't be able to live with myself if i had gotten physical and had actual sex with so many men. Anyways, if you’re dealing with a sexual addiction, try and fight it. Some need therapy, some need prayer. I think most just need time. It’ll die down on its own.