Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
A very thoughtful question from a young GaG user about how to (or even whether or not to) ask her boyfriend to get tested for STDs triggered some bad memories for me that I need to share, hoping that others can learn from my mistake and look after themselves starting with Lover #1.
My Story
At sixteen, I lost my virginity to my (first) boyfriend. He was “experienced” – and the reason I put that in quotes is because you just never know how experienced someone is. They might have had a number of partners and had been safe, or maybe they had one or two partners and were not safe. Perhaps their own partners in the past were also not safe. The point is – you just don’t know, and often times, someone isn’t prepared to be honest about it. Perhaps fear of feeling shameful, or maybe fear of being rejected if there are indeed STDs to be found out. Your health trumps their feelings.
Someone’s sexual past is their current partner’s sexual present.
My boyfriend and I loved each other madly. I lost my virginity and now I loved the sex, and didn’t care how and when we had it. I wasn’t thinking any further about my sexual health other than taking his word that he was free of STDs. If he said so, I believed it. After all, we loved each other. Why would he intentionally hurt me?
Two months into our sex life, I had a burning sensation in the vaginal area, and again when I urinated. I was scared. When I asked him if I could have had anything passed to me, he got defensive and angry. He insisted nothing was wrong with him. I went to the doctor, and learned I had in fact contracted chlamydia. Chlamydia cannot be passed any other way than through sexual contact, therefore I knew – my one and only lover thus far had given it to me. I was symptom free up to that point, but this was two months later. I likely contracted it right away.
My doctor urged me to tell my boyfriend to get treated, otherwise the disease will continue to pass to me. He agreed. We took a two-week sex break during our treatment period, then hopped right back in to action after that.
One morning while taking a shower, I felt strange, small bumps on the opening of my vagina. I took a mirror to have a look. They were tiny, light-coloured, hard, and growing in clusters. I couldn’t pop or pick them off, so again I went to my doctor. “Genital warts,” I was told, then cryotherapy was used to remove them. The pain was so bad, I nearly cried as the liquid nitrogen fried them off. (I had to get this done periodically for five more years, as genital warts still lives until the underlying infection is treated.)
I recalled seeing a bump or two at the base of my boyfriend’s penis, but it was flesh-coloured and there weren’t as many. Being a virgin and obviously not so experienced, I assumed it was part of his skin and never thought to question it. (Didn't want to be rude.) Back then I had no internet to refer to.
My boyfriend too was treated, but about six months later, we broke up for other reasons.
By the time I was eighteen I had been tested for every STD and finally came clean (aside from the genital warts recurrence). The one test I was too scared to get was the HIV test. I was terrified to do it. Back then, the results took weeks, and I knew my stomach would be crawling that entire time.
A few safe-sex lovers later, and one boyfriend who tested clean, I met the man who I thought I’d marry when I was 28. He was everything I wanted at first, and I wanted sex with him to badly. It was him who insisted I get tested for everything, including HIV. I felt faint. But I did it. I guess I had to know, and I wanted to please him. By then the testing produced immediate results.
My results were negative. (Take a big breath!)
Then I told him, “Okay, I’ve done it.. now you.”
“No,” he said matter-of-factly, “I don’t need to. I know I’m clean.”
“But I just went through all of this anguish for you, why can’t you prove to me the same?”
He told me he had been tested regularly and recently. He said was negative and to just believe it. I suppose that was enough for me. I wanted him. He was gorgeous. We jumped in to a sex life.
After breaking up three years later, I did some reflecting on my choices of men. I needed to spend a lot of time alone, and it wasn’t until I was 34, choosing to be a recluse, that I met a man online in the US and we began a long-distance relationship. All seemed well from afar. After six months, we met and couldn’t wait to meet (and have sex). I actually presumed his own sexually history. He was a big, goofy, happy-go-lucky guy who wasn’t typically attractive to most women. I just assumed he hadn't had many women because he wasn't so high-strung for sex. He wanted love. Always did. His personal drawbacks were his quick fuse and boorishness.
Two weeks in to our time at his place, I used the washroom one day and again felt this excruciating burn when I urinated. I told him about it. He started raging, accusing me of cheating. I was already feeling horrible with flu-like symptoms coming on, and he had been my only lover after three years of celibacy. He verbally abused me over it, but I pleaded for him to just tell me the truth. He refused to admit he carried anything. The night I returned home, a painful first-time genital herpes breakout occurred. I read that it could take 2-20 days for the virus to incubate, and it seemed that after our first night, I had already begun to receive it – from him. He had been to the doctor and had it confirmed that he indeed carried the virus. He tried hard to deny it, insisting it might have been folliculitis, but it was clearly not the case – not with the classic symptoms of herpes included. It was possible to have had contracted it from a lover many years earlier - but in my case I was tested up to that point. I knew it was from him.
After breaking up with him (for other reasons), I was celibate for a few more years. Had all my testing done again while single, including HIV. I was relieved to be clean from everything, but I still live with having the herpes virus for the rest of my life, and though the genital warts has subsided, there is always a chance it might recur in the future because I'll never know if that underlying infection is absolutely gone.
When I met my husband, we both knew we carried herpes so we were understanding about that, and we both agreed to testing TOGETHER for all STDs before having sex including HIV. Funny how it took nearly half of my life to learn that getting tested and insisting your partner be tested is a sign of respect for both people involved, and that it should be a sign of responsibility and care for the other person’s sexual health. It should be no reason to feel threatened. This is your health we're talking about.
Instead, the two men who kicked and screamed about being tested, were the two men who in fact, passed their previous lovers’ problems on to me.
Don’t let someone bully you in to sex, making you feel as though it’s your fault you are asking them to be tested. Don’t believe anyone who just says they are clean. Find out for sure. Go to a clinic together and be one unit getting the tests done. Because even people who carry STDs silently hope to believe it themselves. If someone becomes irate or defensive about the notion of being tested: yes, be afraid…
The person you’re having sex with may or may not be around your entire life, but your body will be. Please take care of it, as no one else will.
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