He has something to say about your clothes, your hair, the way that you do things...I say it is insecurity, but that is just my opinion. What are your thoughts?
I must say, this is a surprising question to me . Usually I hear girls complaining about their boyfriend not saying anything at all . For the occasional guy that does have too much to say - that may be just his personality type . Some people have an alpha type where they always need to be in control . It is more common in men, but occasionally it is in women . There is also a personality type that wants someone to lead them, and wants all decisions to be made by someone else . This, as you may guess, is more common with women than with men . Neither personality can be called correct or wrong - just different . Both will feel more complete, or as you put it, secure, if allowed to manifest completely . Both also have weaknesses . One must seek to make more decisions, the other must allow that and follow those decisions .
I think that there is a difference between a strong personality and a controlling personality . I am not even this guys girlfriend and he has something 2 say about what I have on or what my hair looks like . He says it with a smile, but I know he means every word of it . He is trying to control me and we aren't even in a relationship . I like it if he notices that I smell good or likes my outfit (which is rare) . Maybe he is doing this 2 drive me away instead of telling me that not 2 come around anymore . - 9 months ago
Answerer
I thought that you were referring to your boyfriend. Is this guy saying that something looks good or not, or is he saying that he doesn't like something and that you should therefore change it to how HE wants it? If he is doing it to how he thinks you should be rather than how you feel you want or are comfortable with, he needs to learn that he has no right to control you. Tell him gently (and repeatedly) that you prefer how you have it, and he'll catch your drift soon. Doubt its to drive you away - 9 months ago
Question Asker
He is saying that he finds displeasure with something. If I want to "please" him I will change what he doesn't like? I don't know He will have something 2 say. My outfit is too casual for work (or too dressy) or not liking my hair. He used to do that when he "loved me", pay more attention to what I had on. And then he gets this weird grin on his face and gage me for my reaction. He has a girlfriend and says that he wants to be friends. He has a weird way of showing it by putting me down. - 9 months ago
Answerer
Then like I said, tell him repeatedly and calmly that you prefer it the way you put it. It isn't nice when people can't trust you to make your own decisions about what you wear and how you wear it. It shouldn't be up to them, unless you're their daughter and are dressing inappropriately (skimpy for a formal occasion or prison). Make him see this and he should back off. - 9 months ago
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I just wonder why he does it in the first place. Maybe I am the one who doesn't get it, but he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He has a girlfriend and he still wants to keep his finger on my life trying to stir up things. - 9 months ago
Answerer
It sounds like you've pretty well described it. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Normally if someone is controlling, it is someone directly in their life (like work or boyfriend/girlfriend), not outside. Tell him off if telling him nicely doesn't stop him. He has NO right to tell you what he wants and basically demand it over what you want. It does sound as though you like his compliments, though. Why the difference? Does he give them differently, or do you feel differently about hair etc? - 9 months ago
Question Asker
Have been friends for a long time. If he gives me a compliment of course I like it, who wouldn't? Sometimes he is reacting 2 what I say or has unsolicited comments. Is this some type of flirting on his part? He only does it a few times. He knew that I valued his opinion before. He is very matter of fact with a compliment. If it is something I consider negative he is kind of sly with it and then looks for my reaction. If I'm upset, "it was just a joke." Like he is testing me. - 9 months ago
Answerer
I can't say that I've ever come across flirting like that before. Compliments, sure, but compliments interspersed with insulting 'jokes', never. I think that if something offends you, and he sees it and then passes it off as a joke, he needs to redefine his idea of joking. I joke, and I know how a good sense of humor tells a good joke. Doing something that offends, and doing so repeatedly is Not a joke. That's just weird and wrong. Some jokes offend, sure, but they grow old quickly. - 9 months ago
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I know that I don't appreciate him nit picking what I wear and have a girlfriend at the same time. I really think that it is a way for him to look at me and get away with it. He might say that my pants are too tight, I will ask why he is looking @ my ass. I would say that he gets a kick out of it because of the way that he smiles at me. Trying to push my buttons. He likes it when I fuss at him. I really think that it is a turn on for him. WEIRD HUH?!? - 9 months ago
Answerer
Its weird. I do know that some people show their attraction in weird ways, like arguing because they get a kick out of it, and they can talk and talk to the person they like. I don't know if this is the case here as I don't know the guy well enough to make an informed decision. Maybe he's teasing, but it can go too far, and he needs to know when to back off. The bigger the rise he gets out of you, the more he'll go for it. Try telling him calmly to stop. Don't retort at him - he wants you to do so. - 9 months ago
I usually don't respond 2 him and am calm. He knows when to stop. I just wonder what would make someone act like that in the first place? Someone told me that it is intimacy between a man and a woman when they argue or fuss with each other. That he is trying to connect with me on an intimate level (like we had in the past). I am not sure that I believe that. I just know that he gets a kick out of making sly comments to me. People said that we used to act like and old married couple. - 9 months ago
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Answerer
Why would he act like that in the first place? Maybe he wants to feel the same way he felt when you were closer. Teasing can be an affectionate thing. I know I do it a lot with people I love. It isn't critical teasing, but the teasing is there. If he just wants you to listen to him, he needs to back off as you obviously don't want it. That's taking teasing too far. That you 'acted like an old married couple' says that you're used to goading each other and maybe enjoyed it. Does he know you don't? - 9 months ago
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I do enjoy goading him just a little bit, my problem is with him having a girlfriend and trying to have the same relationship with me that he had when he was single.
I saw him over the weekend and he complimented me on my outfit and noticed that I had lost weight. He then went on to tell me that he was breaking up with his girlfriend and wanted me to stop by after work today so that we can "talk." Can you believe that? - 9 months ago
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Sorry for the lateness of my reply - time differences between USA and South Africa can make things difficult. I was just wondering what his girlfriend was saying about all of this. I suppose that's a moot point now. It does sound a little strange that he's doing this now. What did he want to say? Not ask you out, did he? That would be weird. For him to be annoying and then turn around and ask you out isn't cool. What would you say? I take it he's not marrying her? Seen the comment to Belleza. - 9 months ago
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I did not go by there. He called me to see where I was. We had a good conversation and he let me in on some things, but no he did not ask me out. If he did I really don't know what I would say. Part of me would be jumping up and down and part of me would be untrusting. Look at my other question "am I his rebound or did he realize. That will give you the gist of my situation. - 9 months ago
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Answerer
He kissed you? Peck on cheek or was it something that friends don't normally do? Okay, that's beside the point. So you actually do like him, or love him as you say in your other Q. It's a hard thing to deal with. It now makes me think that he's been flirting with you all this time, rather than dominating. That you haven't seen him in two months, and now twice, makes it sound as if he's going to want something more now. Be careful with him. In your other Q he sounds like a playa, but it's up 2 u. - 9 months ago
Some girls appreciate that kind of aggressive treatment, maybe to balance out their own passivity, which might explain why they allow it to happen . Some psychologists believe that a person has a tendency to seek out someone who matches their opposite-sex parent . If a girl had a father who told her what to do all the time and she didn't mind blindly following his orders, she may seek out that kind of person for a relationship .
Historically, men are taught to be dominant and women submissive . Even in the contemporary climate of equal opportunity, some people still prefer it that way . It's not necessarily "right" or "wrong," just a preference . I imagine many girls don't like it that way, and would gladly ditch guys who tried to tell them what to do .
I do have a slightly passive personality, and when I act that way it seems to cause problems . When I act more aggressive, he is fine with that . He does have a strong personality, but he is not in a place to tell me what to wear or how to fix my hair, I am not his girlfriend . He has done this b4 when he "liked" me . He starts to pay attention to what I am wearing and what I am doing . Sometimes it is a compliment and sometimes it is what I consider to be a put down . All said with a smile . - 9 months ago
Answerer
It sounds like he likes to voice his opinion, even when it's unwanted. Maybe he's just trying to be honest, even if it's blunt and tactless, or he might have a high self-opinion. If it's the latter, he may feel like he's doing you a favor by telling you exactly how he feels. - 9 months ago
Question Asker
He is just exercising his ego. I think he does it to keep me off my game. He does it because he thinks that it might cause a fight or argument. He likes it when we fuss. It gets his juices flowing, but if he has a girlfriend there is no need to try and start an argument with me. I think it is how he releases his pent up frustrations. I really think that it is insecurity. - 9 months ago
I think you are right . Who knows why we allow it . We have all been there once in our lives . Some of us get out of it and are happy . Others stay with them and are so unhappy they don't realize its bad . But, you are right . Its an insecure man .
He used to be insecure, and unsure of himself somewhat . So he is trying to make himself better by putting me in my place (in the submissive role) . He does it because I won't do what he wants . He has a girlfriend, but I don't know how he treats her . I am not around them . He is dominate in everything else, but I am the one thing that he can't control and I think that it bothers him even though he says that he doesn't want me . Is that your thinking on the matter ? - 9 months ago
I think he's trying to control me - I mean its my hair, my clothes, my body and the way I do things is my thing I don't let anybody else tell me differently ! And we let them control us because we're idiots (no offense) but that's how it is - if girls take guys remarks of how a girl should look or dress all she's doing is being an idiot not herself !
I agree . I just let it roll off of me because in the end it is my decision whether to let his comments get to me . We are not even in a relationship and he has these remarks . Just enough out to get me off of my toes, but always with a sly grin or smirk and then he looks at me for my reaction . I usually have no reaction to it or kind of throw it back at him and that usually shuts him up . It is just the thrill of getting my goat and seeing what I am going to say back to him . I don't know - 9 months ago
Answerer
How about this simple as anything drop him you don't need that kinda crap on you 24/7 so just drop him! - 9 months ago
Question Asker
Amen!!!! I kinda feel sorry for his girlfriend. He will probably end up marrying her. - 9 months ago
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